can great sex become something more?

lolo62

Hi...would appreciate some advice here.......met a guy a few weeks ago at a party and we slept together that night (not something either of us had done before) we have been dating ever since and get on really well...we enjoy eachothers company and have great fun together..
heres the problem...
every time we meet up we have lots of sex and I am starting to feel insecure about where its going...this is unfamiliar territory and it feels like theres an imbalance and like the sex part of things is way ahead of everything else...we have amazing chemistry and i have just thrown caution to the wind and went with it up to this point but now I'm wondering can this go anywhere healthy or is it just a recipe for disaster?
I've brought it up a couple of times but he just says I think too much and shouldn't worry when theres nothing to worry about...he does make a big effort to contact me regularly and give little reassurances that he likes me/is thinking about me...
maybe i'm just in over my head...any advice?

LegacyUser

Yes definitely! This is exactly how me and my OP began, we had such a good connection from the outset and it just blossomed from there! Now three years on we're living together and v. happy. He sounds sweet, I'd say just go with it and see what happens. If you're uncomfortable with it just being about sex be straightforward, suggest a few nights out, instead of staying at home, where it will probably lead to one thing!

SheRa

Do you go on dates, have you met his friends? If you don't feel comfortable that it seems all about sex, stop having sex everytime you see him. His reaction will tell you a lot.

lolo62

We do go on dates and he's introduced me to some of his friends, he cooks me dinner, takes me out...offers to help me with projects I'm working on...

lolo62

thanks that makes sense...how do you go about putting the breaks on at this stage though...can't it seem like a power trip?

Why not just arrange to do a few things together where sex is not an option. Find some places to go, or things to do with each other where it just can not or will not happen. Then see how you enjoy the time together when the sex thing is not on the cards.

LegacyUser

Does he meet you during the day or is it just late at night? How often do you go on "dates." These are the questions i'd be asking myself.

Miss Fluff

lolo62 wrote: »

We do go on dates and he's introduced me to some of his friends, he cooks me dinner, takes me out...offers to help me with projects I'm working on...

He sounds like a really nice guy, and a bonus that you are mad to rip the clothes off one another. Try and relax, all sounds perfectly lovely to me.

Do not stop sleeping with him. That's just warped and fcuking with his head. You can arrange day-long dates where having s8x is impossible until you get home by all means but if you are going on dates, spending quality time together, meeting each other's friends etc then it is not a f8ck buddy situation and seems to be developing quite nicely by the sounds of it. Relax!

SheRa

+1 to msfluff's post. Just to clarify i wasn't suggesting stopping the sex altogether, that wouldn't be fair to either of you, just not having it each time that ye meet, but the last few posts put it better than i did:)

lolo62

thanks guys i really appreciate all the advice! he is a lovely guy and i think i definitely owe it to myself to explore it further...

i suppose i just feel like we should be talking more considering the intensity of things elsewhere, but we're actually both kind of shy when we're not pulling eachothers clothes off...maybe we've just been relying on great sex to do everything when thats not really how it works...

i'll try a different approach to our next date and hopefully that will help sort out my busy head!

thanks again!

LegacyUser

Does he meet with you during the day? Is it always at his house? Does he phone you late at night? They're the questions i'd be asking myself.

AngryBadger

I have to play devils advocate here;

Clearly you want some kind of assurance from this guy, which he's not forthcoming with. Things are great between ye, but you obviously want some kind of "clarity" from him.

If he's not willing to discuss this, or he keeps fobbing you off telling you not to worry "when there's nothing to worry about", well is he saying that you are a couple and so you should stop worrying, or is he in fact just fobbing you off because he doesn't want to discuss it and change the dynamic between ye?

Playing devils advocate here purely because people are saying that if you've met his friends, cooks you dinner etc. that if means you're a couple, which I feel is not the case.

If the two of you agree that you're a couple, then you're a couple, if having that conversation is an obstacle of some kind, well then at the very least there's a problem.

Liam Byrne

AngryBadger wrote: »

If the two of you agree that you're a couple, then you're a couple, if having that conversation is an obstacle of some kind, well then at the very least there's a problem.

I can never understand the need to have "that conversation"; if it comes naturally, then great.....but if you need to "discuss" it, it implies to me that there's an imbalance or a doubt somewhere.

AngryBadger

Liam Byrne wrote: »

I can never understand the need to have "that conversation"; if it comes naturally, then great.....but if you need to "discuss" it, it implies to me that there's an imbalance or a doubt somewhere.

I think the OP obviously has some doubts, so clearly "that conversation" needs to happen.

In a more general sense, I can't read minds, so I tend to prefer people to use their words around me

If people are happy to base their relationships on what "feels" right then I wish them the best of luck, but that doesn't work for me.

Then again I'm the cynical type

jurgenscarl

You are being way too hard on this guy.

A man expresses his emotions about a women through sex.

This guy can't get enough of you.

You both hit it off, the two of you had sex right away, he has kept in touch, taking you on dates, cooking for you, helping you with projects etc etc.

What are you complaining about?

Other women complain that their men never have sex with her, never treat her right, never this and never that.

Surely this man is doing everything right?

Trust me on this.

Men don't want to talk about it. They want to do it.

You are a couple and this guy is obviously serious about you.

If you start finding fault with him, trying to second guess what's happening and trying to 'talk' to him, you will scare him away.

AngryBadger

jurgenscarl wrote: »

You are being way too hard on this guy.
A man expresses his emotions about a women through sex.
This guy can't get enough of you.
You both hit it off, the two of you had sex right away, he has kept in touch, taking you on dates, cooking for you, helping you with projects etc etc.
What are you complaining about?
Other women complain that their men never have sex with her, never treat her right, never this and never that.
Surely this man is doing everything right?
Trust me on this.
Men don't want to talk about it. They want to do it.
You are a couple and this guy is obviously serious about you.
If you start finding fault with him, trying to second guess what's happening and trying to 'talk' to him, you will scare him away.

This is all complete garbage.

The OP clearly has doubts about the current situation, if she doesn't address them and instead follows this advice the relationship will fall on its arse.

Suggesting that men can't talk, or won't talk about their feelings is claptrap. men have feelings, we're not generally encouraged to talk about them, and so we're not usually very good at it, but they do exist and they need to be considered as much as any womans.

Seriously man, I've noticed your "advice" in several different threads, where are you getting this stuff from? The 1960s???

jurgenscarl

This is all complete garbage.

The OP clearly has doubts about the current situation, if she doesn't address them and instead follows this advice the relationship will fall on its arse.

Suggesting that men can't talk, or won't talk about their feelings is claptrap. men have feelings, we're not generally encouraged to talk about them, and so we're not usually very good at it, but they do exist and they need to be considered as much as any womans.

Seriously man, I've noticed your "advice" in several different threads, where are you getting this stuff from? The 1960s???

Was the OP attracted to this guy because he told her his feelings or because he swept her off her feet?
He swept her off her feet. He is treating her like a million dollars.
She doesn't need to know his feelings when it is clear he can't get enough of her. She should enjoy the good times and stop second guessing.

AngryBadger

jurgenscarl wrote: »

Was the OP attracted to this guy because he told her his feelings or because he swept her off her feet?
He swept her off her feet.
He is treating her like a million dollars.
She doesn't need to know his feelings when it is clear he can't get enough of her.
She should enjoy the good times and stop second guessing.

IF that's what's happening you're describing the relationship as completely one-sided with the OP reduced to an object for this guy a pleasure himself with.

Some people are into that, and if that's what the OP wants then huzzah! But I think she aspires to more than being this guys scratching post.

That said only the OP knows, and it's obviously her call when all's said and done.

miec

Hi Op

I'll throw in a past experience that was somewhat similar to yours and see what you make of it. Many moons ago, I was with a man whom I had amazing sex with. We were together for nine months. Looking back I know now I was a glorified **** buddy. He was an interesting intelligent man but we never had that conversation. I let things go their way and this is what occurred. Initially we went out for drinks then went back to my place and tore each others clothes of. Neither he nor I were the type to sleep around and whilst in bed he was open and intimate, out of the bed we had nothing to say to each other. This was not evident in the beginning, I had a lot of feelings for him, he cared for me but not as much so he had more of the power. I don't regret the experience but I wish now I had taken more action and had the talk. This may or may not be the case for you as every relationship and situation is unique but it is worth bearing in mind. I would consider having dates and the great sex but put your own feelings first, I guess that is all that any of us can do. If something does not feel right then trust your gut but at the same time be open to a wonderful experience. I guess what I'm rambling on about is to mind yourself first. Ask what do you want from this and act accordingly.

Ronin247

Not trying to be flippant but this question brings to mind the joke about the department store for husbands..

A department store opened in New York City that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.
At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.
The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
You cannot visit a floor more than once other than to leave the building.
The woman visits the first floor.
The sign reads:
· Men with jobs.
She moves on to the second floor:
· Men with jobs that adore children.
She moves on the the third floor where the sign reads:
· Wealthy men that adore children and are very handsome.
She thinks to herself, "that's a very good deal" yet moves on to the fourth floor:
· Wealthy men that adore children, are very handsome and help with the household chores.
She decides to move on as things are constantly improving:
· Wealthy men that adore childern, are very handsome, help with the household chores and are very romantic.
The woman is about to make her purchase but can't resist moving on to the sixth floor.
There the sign reads:
· You are visitor number 31,456,012 on this floor.
· There are no men here.
· This floor exists as proof that it is impossible to please women.

Opposite this department store, another department store opened that sold women. The sign on the first floor reads:
· Women that love sex.
On the second floor the sign reads:
· Women that love sex and are wealthy.
On the third floor the sign reads:
· Women that love sex, are wealthy and have large breasts.

Not a single man has visited the fourth floor.



The point I am trying to make is similar to Jurgenscarl in that he has done everything you could ask for except profess undying love, if he did that after a few weeks you should worry then.
I think you have possibly found the perfect one for you and should just enjoy it as it is.
Stop worrying and enjoy the now.

Best of luck with it

lolo62

Hi guys, thanks so much for all your advice...thought I would give you an update on the situation.....

'angry badger' I acted on the advice you gave in your first post and decided to come clean about how I was feeling. We've had 'the conversation' and I've ended it and think it was the right thing to do.

It turns out my instincts were right, he admitted he was aware he was holding back despite feeling close and this is clearly why I was feeling so insecure. He got out of a relationship 9 months ago and wanted to 'take things slow'. This is where we hit a wall...I didn't think it was moving slow considering the intensity of the physical side of things.

'jurgenscarl' you are right too in that he was trying to show me how he felt and that's lovely but there was a disconnection between the sex and everything else.

the conclusion i have come to is that its not possible for me to have a physical relationship without putting in the work and laying down the foundations first which must include open and honest communication

in hindsight i didn't actually have anything to worry about so to speak but it could never work for me without the talking...power-struggling and game-playing would just take its place. 'miec' what you described is exactly what i didn't want to happen here!

thanks again....it was particularly helpful to get the male perspectives on this...really appreciate it!

SheRa

I so wasn't expecting that response OP:eek:.

Fair play that took guts to have the conversation and also to end it:). Your gut was right. Mind yourself. xxx

AngryBadger

Fair dews OP, not an easy thing to do, well done for being able to make up your mind and walk away because the situation wasn't what you wanted.

Sounds like you have a very clear picture of what you want moving forward, best of luck!