Love Triangle

Hiddenuser

Note: All names are made up but the facts are real.

I'm best friends with a girl called Kate who is dating john for the past 9 months. I got last minute tickets to Oxygen and asked kate would she would like to go. She said yes and I taught nothing else about it.

I then get a text abruptly from kate the next day saying she cant go. I expressed my disappointment to her and left it at that. I get a call from Kate sobbing on the phone, telling me she lied earlier and the real reason she could go was John asked if she didn't go with me.

I find out from Kate, John does not like me spending time with her.

John probably has good reason because Kate told John that I admitted I liked her more than a friend when they started to date. I only found out John knew about this now.

The attention has now turned on me because the question of whether I still have feeling for her has come up. The next conversation I will have with Kate will be about this.

I cant decide what to tell her and need help to figure it out. When the two of them starting dating anytime I heard his name or saw him I got a horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I dont get that anymore and I'm happy to let her talk away about the boyfriend, I've accepted their together. But at some level I'm always going to have some feelings for her whether its because were so close or I still want to be with her?.

At the moment Kate doesn't know what to do with the boyfriend or me and I get the impression she might have to choose between her best friend (me) or the boyfriend.

I feel so guilty because they might breakup but I havent done anything. My gut tells me I going loss my best friend.

I'm in an awkward position and not sure what should I do next.

Glenshane Pass

I'm sorry to hear all of this. There are plenty of experts here and I'm not one of them, but I'll give my opinion - here is what I would do.

Tell her your feelings and call off the whole thing, friendship, until she is single. I think she a playing you both here a tiny bit, she may be genuinely confused as to what to do, but she should do the right thing and be single.

I say this because you are hurt, obviously, and you will get further hurt watching a girl you have feelings for be with another man. Give her an ultimatum, no hard feelings. Cut contact until she decides. This has the potential to drag on and everyone will be hurt.

Thats my opinion. Good luck.

if they break up,thats his loss and his insecurity not yours so don't fret about that.

Hiddenuser

Im so tempted to text her now and give in and tell her she should see less of me as its causing issues with the Bf. But should I just rid it out. If they do break up, I will always feel guilty abt it and it may mess up any chance between to two of us ever getting together in the future

Ave Sodalis

Please, please, please don't make her decide.!

Have you talked seriously to both of them, telling them that you have accepted that they are together and you would do nothing to change that status and that you don't want to loss her as a friend.

Again, as said above, if they break-up, it's not your fault. He clearly has issues and a lack of trust in his girlfriend.

Hiddenuser

I see your point sup-dude, at the moment i've explicitly told her im not asking her to choose and i fully accept their together which is true. Should I go a step further and say we should see less of each other.

Hiddenuser

looks like she beat me too it, just got a text are you around for a chat. looks like im getting the boot:(

LighterGuy

"like most things in life, its all about what side of the coin you fall on"

Your side:
You are her friend. You want to continue the friendship. And you dont want her to break up with her bf over you. But yet you have feelings for her. Thats ok.

BF's side:
he knows that you fancy her. And if given a moment you would go with his girl. drunken mistakes do happen.


*Its all about what side you are on. If I was the Bf I wouldnt be too comfortable with you. After all, I imagine you were to be camping together at Oxygen. Probably drinking. Thats a no.

*If I was in your shoes... I'd want to continue the friendship as she would be my friend.

LegacyUser

As a guy, id agree with the BF on this one.

You ain't platonic friends. The three of you's know that much. One of yous, particular her should have distanced yourselves before this.

The spare Oxegen ticket, well I doubt the BF was invited..

Can't blame the guy for calling on the shannigans!

Hiddenuser

Im f**k either way, I can't deny I have feelings for her at the same time if I tell her bye bye the friendship as it wont be the same. Im truly going nuts here as I've realized Im wasting my time. I just cant understand her though no matter what happens she f**kin knew it was more than just friends for me but she had no issue stringing me along.

I am raging inside and heart broken, why the hell cant I just let go. Her boyfriend doesn't get her the way I do and she confides in me not him, its bull****, he shouts at her and talks down.

Moral of the story is if you sit of the fence prepared to the burnt, watching someone you care about from a distance is self mutualization. I know this now.

LegacyUser

sup_dude wrote:

He clearly has issues and a lack of trust in his girlfriend.

I don't think so tbh, sounds to me like Kate is the one who is the problem here & her bf has just called her on it.

Wibbs

Hiddenuser wrote: »

Im f**k either way, I can't deny I have feelings for her at the same time if I tell her bye bye the friendship as it wont be the same. Im truly going nuts here as I've realized Im wasting my time. I just cant understand her though no matter what happens she f**kin knew it was more than just friends for me but she had no issue stringing me along.

Harsh I agree, but its not all her side. My humble? You strung yourself along too. Hoping that one day she would see what she was missing out on and be with you. Big mistake that too many men(as a general rule it's men) make.

I am raging inside and heart broken, why the hell cant I just let go. Her boyfriend doesn't get her the way I do and she confides in me not him, its bull****, he shouts at her and talks down.

What you've written there could have been written by countless men in this position. It's very bloody common. "I get her more than he ever will. I'm better for her. Why is she not with me?" etc etc. Again in my humble and it may sound harsh, though its not meant to be, the reason she isnt with you and is with him is that she simply fancies him or at best fancies him more. I've had women leave me for gobshítes and I've had women leave much better men than me to be with me. And it boiled down to that. They felt the sexual/romantic buzz for the guy they were leaving for.

What Ive also learned is that it's pretty easy to turn a sexual/romantic relationship into a friendship or semblance of one. To turn a male female freindship into a sexual/romantic one is significantly less likely though too many men try this route as a default. You simply cant be true mates with a woman you have feelings for. You're basically lying to yourself and to her. She's also likely to keep you around when she knows this. Either because she genuinely cares for you, likes you as a friend and desnt want to hurt you, or for selfish ego reasons, or to make up a combined male figure in her life from two men. Add in that you won't leave and this ends up happening.

I've said it before, but the word girlfriend is the best clue. The girl part comes before the friend part and that's how men should generally approach it. Or as a mate used to say when guys in your position would ask him advice: The guy would generally kick off with "But I love her and she says she loves me and he's bad for her etc" My mates response? "Who's she f**king? If its not you then why stick around? That's all you need to know.". Crass and harsh I agree, but not far off the truth. (Women can often make the same mistake from a different angle. IE sleeping with a guy that has no intention of making it official)

Moral of the story is if you sit of the fence prepared to the burnt, watching someone you care about from a distance is self mutualization. I know this now.

Nail on the head and fair play to you for spotting it. Many dont and go on to repeat this pattern ad nauseum. Hard lesson, but a good one.

Hiddenuser

Wibbs wrote: »

"Who's she f**king? If its not you then why stick around? That's all you need to know.".

Wibbs your spot on, unfortunately for me.

I am meeting up with her is the next hour, I've no idea what should I say or what should I ask her. I feel like im about to go into the principals office :eek: Any advice?

MistyCheese

Just in my opinion, I think it would be healthy if you backed off a bit. It could be that Kate takes for granted that you will always be around. If you guys don't see as much of each other, if you're not always there when she wants you to be then she might realise how much she does want you. She might not of course. But some time apart could show you that you don't need her as much as you thought either.

This could be why "nice guys finish last" and why girls seem to leave decent men for asses. Because there's no danger, no risk. If Kate wants to have a thing with John, or Pat, or Ted, she can and she doesn't risk losing you because she knows you'll still be there if/when these relationships break up.

I'm not suggesting you never see Kate, especially if you regard her as a good friend, just don't see her as often. Say "no" to her sometimes. If you and her are "meant to be" then she will prioritize you.

Cheap Thrills!

Wibbs said it all.

Never wait in the wings hoping to be de-relegated from the friend zone. Girls in their 20's will often have several male 'friends' orbiting around them. The girl wont usually explicitly put these guys in the picture for reasons of guilt/vanity.

These orbiting guys are seen by girls as 'bottom feeders' not Alphas. Pleasurable for women to have around on several levels;

the woman doesn't have to have sex with them but still controls them.
these guys listen and understand and 'get her'
they are valuable in reminding the Alpha that she is desirable to other men
they provide a narcissistic frisson for her

After all that it would be funny if she reveals she's dumped him!

But if not OP, don't ever be a bottom feeder again.

Hiddenuser

Its all over and done with now:cool:.

The conversation from her pretty much went as expected, I knew I was beat and she clearly stated she ain't interested in us being anything else but friends. She wants me to become friends with the BF now as she thinks I will get to like him and we'll all get on! :pac:

Kate said, she taught my feelings had passed for her but when I pressed her on this she did add she didn't want the confrontation and liked the friendship we had. So she did know about the big elephant in the room but out of self interest she let it grow its only because John intervened (and rightly so) its all come out.

I have also noticed she purposely kept her distance physical and emotional where before she most certainly didn't. The usual bye bye hug was gone, in her eyes I'm history.

As she put it, for my benefit we have to see each other less and in particular less on our own. I agree with seeing her less but its not just for my benefit.

I now feel like a old chewed up toy thrown to one side, I've lost so much today.

I've deleted all her texts taken her off my favorites contact list and dont intend on initiating any contact with her.

I dont know why I did this but I got the idea in my head I wanted to bring over flowers so I did. Not in an attempt for a last minute reprieve but I knew she had a rough week and I wanted to show her I care regardless of the outcome plus it was probably the last chance to give her flowers. I suspect they could be in the bin by now!!!

What else should to do?

I would just like to add a big Thank You to Wibbs, Glenshane Pass, sup_dude, LighterGuy, MistyCheese and Cheap Thrills!, reading someone elses perspectives have really help me understand.

LighterGuy

Hiddenuser wrote: »

Its all over and done with now:cool:.

The conversation from her pretty much went as expected, I knew I was beat and she clearly stated she ain't interested in us being anything else but friends. She wants me to become friends with the BF now as she thinks I will get to like him and we'll all get on! :pac: .....

....What else should to do?.......

Sorry mate. But learn from this.
IMO, You were just being strung along as "the friend who I know likes me, who I am not interested in, but I can use him when ever I need to" ...

Never talk to her again. Even if you stop talking for 6 months, then talk again, you'll always be the "friend" who likes her. Dont be that guy.

TBH, I suspect your "friendship" has suited her more than it has suited you.

Glenshane Pass

Well done for updating us boy. And even more so if you can not initiate contact with her. Onwards and upwards from now on, don't dwell.

amdublin

"Kate" sounds like a head melter who enjoys the attention of both you and the boyfriend.

Steer clear would be my advice.

MistyCheese

Hiddenuser, I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. It's never easy to realise that you don't mean a lot to someone who means everything to you.

I think Kate liked having you there as her safety blanket, but when John challenged her and called her on her unreasonable behaviour she chose to keep him happy, even if that meant hurting you.

The best thing to come out of this (although I know it doesn't feel like it now) is that Kate has set you free to get over her. If she calls you up next week to say "John's gone for a few days, let's do something!" please tell her no.

LegacyUser

If it helps, the whole thing does not say much about her character. Your probably better off in the longterm then the BF.

Ps. If/when they break up, she will be in contact again.

sickofwaiting

Hiddenuser wrote: »

I dont know why I did this but I got the idea in my head I wanted to bring over flowers so I did. Not in an attempt for a last minute reprieve but I knew she had a rough week and I wanted to show her I care regardless of the outcome plus it was probably the last chance to give her flowers. I suspect they could be in the bin by now!!!

What else should to do?

A tip for the future mate. This girl tells you she wants youse to see each other less and made you 'feel like a old chewed up toy thrown to one side'. Then you go and bring her over flowers....:rolleyes: It's this kind of pussy (can't think of a better word sorry) behaviour that marks you out as a candidate for the friend zone. I'm sorry but doing overy 'nice' stuff like this is off-putting for girls, that is why she is with the dude who 'shouts at her and talks her down'. Women have always preferred a bit of a bastard to a bit of a pussy.

You 'knew she had a rough week and I wanted to show her I care'....man you just said she used you and you are not even going out with her, what in the name of god are you bringing her flowers for?

Don't be such lapdog in future when it comes to women, have some respect for yourself.