Advice on how to deal with parents ?

AmyMaria

Okay, so I'm 17 at the moment, so completely understand that my dad has the right to put a curfew on me, to make sure I'm safe or whatever.

But I seriously believe he imposes these curfews and rules because he likes to control things. I recently finished my leaving cert, and during the day, he calls me twice to find out where I am, and usually it's at home, helping my mam with the house. and when I go to a friend's house, I have to text him when I'm there and tell him who's there.

He also told when I'm 18, he won't care, if I still live with him I'll still have a curfew, and not be allowed go to oxegen (which he wouldn't let me go to this year :P) and do other things that I want to do like go on holidays abroad with my friends

I dunno if I should post these things, cos it's quite public, but I'm not sure who to ask for advice, I don't really want to talk to my friend's about it. His mam used to live with us, but she died and every since he's been drinking really heavily and everytime we say it, he just walks out of the room or goes to the pub.

He's never abusive, and he's a really good dad but I'm worried about him, I'm already getting kinda "wtf?" questions from people when I go to a party or whatever and have to leave earlier than them. I wouldn't mind having a curfew only most of my friends who are 17 have a looser rule on curfews. It's slightly embarassing when people ask me and would be even more embarassing once I'm 18.

Has anyone ever had a problem like this with their parents? Do you think maybe he's just saying that about me being 18 and not having any more freedom than I do now?

Thanks

squeakyduck

Well IMO you're only 17 and daddies are very protective of their little girls! His mum could also have something to do with it. Maybe he is afraid you will get hurt? The fact that he is unwilling to talk and deals with it through alcohol is not a good sign for his health or his sanity but I guess everyone deals with things in their own way. He may come to you or your mum when he is ready or he may not deal with it at all....

I think every father takes a very different stance to curfews. I was allowed out to the pub/gigs since I was like 15/16 and my dad used to set a curfew of closing time to be at an exact spot. (OR ELSE!!) At least you have permission to go to parties, and you're not cooped up but I do agree that it's hard when you're young and you see all your friends having fun after you've gone but sooner or later you'll be allowed. It's only because your father worries about you. Every father is the same, daddies and daughters have a very close bond!

Now this whole 18 thing and you're not allowed to do this that and the other is quite unfair. I am of the opinion that when you're 18 you're an adult. I had the oxygen talk with my dad and after a few hours of begging he let me go (I was 17) and my boyfriend at the time had to sign a form to get me in. He rang every so often and after a few calls he was happy I was safe he just stopped but he wanted to know all the goss when I got home!!

When you manage to spread your wings and go to college your father will have no choice but to let you fly. It's a part of life. In a way I think every dad is afraid of loosing his daughter to some extent. He is only doing that because he loves you and more than likely worries about you!

Maybe you could talk to your mum about how this frustrates you and maybe ye can sort it out together? Maybe make new rules for curfew? I'll be home at a later time, I'll stay at X's house and send you a text when I'm leaving and get back?

Extrasupervery

The whole texting constantly during the day thing sounds a bit excessive. Unless you've given him reason to not trust you there is no reason for him to know exactly who you're with at all times of the day. He needs to trust you more.

up for anything

My mother was forever on my back when I was your age and older (when I was 24 and living at home for a time she still gave me curfews ) about coming home on time and where and what I was doing. Before I went out I always got the Who, Where, What, How, When cross examination. I swore I would never be like that but now find myself laying down the law with my teenage daughter. I remember well what it was like to be her age and how I thought I could cope with anything that life threw at me, and I did mostly but now I worry over how much harder things are for you lot nowadays and how much more serious the situations can be that you might find yourself in that an adult would find difficult to cope with let alone a teen.

Ignore your friends' wtf attitude. Tell them that this is how it is and wtf themselves.

Your father has obviously been hit hard by his mother's death. It doesn't matter what age you are when your mother dies - it means the one person on earth that you can rely on to stand in your corner is gone. It's hard to accept. Maybe he feels that he has lost his mother and he doesn't want to lose his daughter in any way. Your mother is the one who should sit him down and speak to him about his drinking. Random comments from family members are not going to do the trick and will just exacerbate the situation as you have said.

I would wait till you are 18 to make any large waves about staying out later or going to Oxegen. Next year is a relatively long time away - save all your pleading and promising till it's time to book the tickets.

niceoneted

I am in my late 30's .
I have always looked back and wished my parents took more of an interest in my nights out when I was your age. I wish they had a curfew on me and that they would challenge me on drinking and smoking and the rest.

Apart from the possibly excessive texts I would say you should count yourself lucky that your father takes such an interest - there is a fairly dangerous world out there.

all going well you will be off to college from sept so not long to go.

AmyMaria

Thanks for the advice everyone. I suppose he's not the worst...mam told me he was really wild when he was younger so...he might be just trying to stop me doing the same as him :P

He says he trusts me, but hard to believe that with what goes on lol. Might try to have a sit down with him. but thanks everyone, I was feeling a bit upset about it earlier cos he kept going on about how "your my child, my rules" blah blah blah.

Heckler

AmyMaria wrote: »

Okay, so I'm 17 at the moment, so completely understand that my dad has the right to put a curfew on me, to make sure I'm safe or whatever.

But I seriously believe he imposes these curfews and rules because he likes to control things. I recently finished my leaving cert, and during the day, he calls me twice to find out where I am, and usually it's at home, helping my mam with the house. and when I go to a friend's house, I have to text him when I'm there and tell him who's there.

He also told when I'm 18, he won't care, if I still live with him I'll still have a curfew, and not be allowed go to oxegen (which he wouldn't let me go to this year :P) and do other things that I want to do like go on holidays abroad with my friends

I dunno if I should post these things, cos it's quite public, but I'm not sure who to ask for advice, I don't really want to talk to my friend's about it. His mam used to live with us, but she died and every since he's been drinking really heavily and everytime we say it, he just walks out of the room or goes to the pub.

He's never abusive, and he's a really good dad but I'm worried about him, I'm already getting kinda "wtf?" questions from people when I go to a party or whatever and have to leave earlier than them. I wouldn't mind having a curfew only most of my friends who are 17 have a looser rule on curfews. It's slightly embarassing when people ask me and would be even more embarassing once I'm 18.

Has anyone ever had a problem like this with their parents? Do you think maybe he's just saying that about me being 18 and not having any more freedom than I do now?

Thanks

It will prob sound trite now but enjoy every day you have with your parents. I know at your age its hard to imagine them not embarassing you etc. but the day will come when they are not around and i hope you're not like me, regretting the things never said or done for the most precious people in my life. You're folks sound like regular concerned parents. Ten times worse if they didn't give a ****e. Give your Da a hug and tell him you appreciate his concern. Go on.....Just do it.....

Zen65

AmyMaria wrote: »

Okay, so I'm 17 at the moment, so completely understand that my dad has the right to put a curfew on me, to make sure I'm safe or whatever.

But I seriously believe he imposes these curfews and rules because he likes to control things.

I like the sound of your Dad, to be perfectly honest (though I would be worried about the drinking thing). He is taking a strong stand now because he knows that this is the only point in your life where his influence might keep you from going astray. He knows that in a very short time you will be old enough, wise enough, to make your own way. Before that, he is doing the best he can to ensure that your scope for serious life-changing mistakes is limited.

My own daughter is a little younger that you, but I have already told her this is how it will be. Of course I say it in good humour, and we both know I expect a little defiance from her. Frankly if she didn't defy me a little I would worry more. Her older brothers are going through those years now, and while I cannot claim full credit by any means, I can see that they have matured enough to trust them not to drink/do drugs, or "get themselves into trouble" (a wonderful Irish expression covering a range of possible problems).

Your Dad will "lighten up" as you get older, though not at the pace you want. Having a chat with him will reassure him, and that's important. He needs to know you understand his rules; I don't think it is about controlling as you suggest, but rather about protecting. The best protection he can give you is a good start, then it's up to you to enjoy your life safely. Those friends who think it's weird for you having those rules may yet come to regret that their folks did not take the same interest in their lives.



Be at peace,

Z

PS: In case I'm wrong about this and your Dad does not lighten up as you mature, make a plan to leave home when you're 23!

Micahelxcx

My Mam and Dad had a curfew on me till I was 23. As long as I was living at home they wrote the rules!!!
I was only allowed out till 1pm. My Dad insisted on me calling home to say where I was and who I was with. He would tell me to be at a certain place after a disco and he would collect me. A few times I was late and he was waiting in the car. I got a few spankings when I got home after those episodes. And I was too embarrassed to tell my friends my mam was spanking me.
Now I look back an realise how much they both loved me and how they were protecting me as best they could. They genuinely worried about me getting into drugs etc.
Even the thoughts of those spankings and being sent to bed at 8pm for being in breach of my curfew pale into insignificance compared to their love for me.
They are both dead now. Died within a year of each other and I miss them so much.
Give your dad a break.

kjl

OK, without meaning to sound crued, but your dad is scared of young 17 year old boys and what intentions they have for you.

You need to show him that you can look after yourself and that he can trust you. Show him how you are grown up now.

Fox McCloud

Sorry, but that would drive me totally loopy. I think your dad is being way over protective, treating you more like 13 than 17! At 17 your supposed to be old enough to go off to college and look after youself. Fair enough with a curfew, but calling you during the day, asking who your with etc. not letting you go to oxegen even if your 18.. I would not have been ok with that when i was 17 a few short years ago!

If your ok with that level of control and its just your friends weird looks that made you post this then I would say ignore your friends, its between you and your parents. But do be careful about missing out on opportunities because your dad is worried.
You sound like a sensible 17 year old, talk to both of your parents and explain that they can trust you but to back off a bit with the texting and whatnot. Your nearly a grown up now and they have to accept that you'll be doing your own thing and making your own mistakes. How do they expect you to learn personal responsability if they monitor your every move and association?!

Miss Fluff

The wildest of kids make the strictest of parents. He is being excessively strict because he knows what that the intentions of most randy 17 years old boys are. He is just trying to protect you. It's actually quite sweet although admittedly very annoying.

I think the constant texting is excessive. Have a chat with adult to adult and tell him while you are happy to abide by his rules while living in his house, but he should cut you some slack and show he trusts you by not going OTT.

Has he met your friends? If they are a nice friendly bunch might be no harm having a few of the more sensible ones around to the house some evening for vino and pizza and let him get chatting to them. If he knows who you are with and that they have your best interests at heart it might make it a little bit easier for him.

Ickle Magoo

Have you spoken to your mother about it? How does she feel? Have you tried talking to your Dad about why you think it excessive?

I think having to let him know who is in attendance when you go to friends houses and calling you multiple times a day is completely over the top. Having a curfew I can understand, depending on what time it is but overall it seems to be less about trust and care and more about control.

In saying that, if you are living in his house then he has the right to impose restrictions and conditions to that. You are 17, do well in school and look forward to the day you get out on your own but try to bear in mind that your dad isn't acting out of malice, even though it's stifling and annoying, he does have your best interests at heart.

Best of luck.

Sophsxxx

Hey!
I actually could have written this post too! My dad and mam were also wild in their youth and dad is worried that I am waaaay too much like him and will make a mess of my life!
I used to hate him for it, especially last year when I finished the LC for the first first time at 16. I thought because I was going to college I was no longer a kid but I realised that my father was right. I was way too immature to be allowed near drink and got into a few situations.
This year though I sat down and discussed things with him and he agreed that I had really matured over the year and he doesn't bat an eyelid when I tell him I'm going out.
You really need to sit down and talk to your dad and make him see that if he keeps suffocating you, it's only going to push you away (I discreetly left books about englsh universities arounf the house! :P)
Good luck! xx

jos28

OP I am probably about the same age as your Dad and I really feel sorry for him. He is at a very difficult stage of his life. His mother has died, he realises that you have grown up and are preparing to flee the nest. He has a lot going on and could be very unsure of his role in life. He seems like a very caring man and although his methods are excessive, I imagine that his intentions are good.
Basically he is terrified of losing you or of any harm coming to you.
Talk to him, pick your moment carefully. Reassure him that he is a good Dad, tell him that you appreciate his concern, value his opinion etc. Tell him that you miss his Mum too and reassure him that wherever life takes you, he will always be your Dad. Point out instances where you have been responsible, show him that you can be trusted and that you have good friends around you. Most importantly, try to remain calm, don't be argumentative. Let him see that you appreciate all he has done for you but that it is time to loosen the reins a bit.
Best of luck

NerfNerder

Hey OP. I'm in my twenties now, but growing up my parents were insanely strict. I wasn't even allowed to go to any parties, date guys etc until I was finished school, and even at that when I was finished they were still on my case, imposing curfews etc. I can see now it's because they love me, but I honestly still think it's a bad approach to take to parenting because it holds you back in a way, from growing up, and developing as your own person. I'd say in your situation it's a case that your dad loves you very much, and maybe loosing his mam has made him insecure and scared about loosing anyone else close to him. I think maybe you need to sit down with your parents and talk to them about how you feel about how they treat you. Talking to them in such a way will show them that you are an adult and willing to discuss things in a calm and reasonable manner. Good luck.

Beruthiel

AmyMaria wrote: »

He says he trusts me.

He does trust you. It's the rest of the world that he has a problem with.

It can be a scarey thing to let your child through the door on their own without your protection and there are times when you will worry like hell until you hear the key in the door.
It is a natural, parental instinct of a parent who cares.
You must sit him down and come to an agreement. Once you agree to X, Y & Z, stick to the agreement. That way he can perhaps relax a little and know you are being smart while out.

HavingCrack

Hey Op I'm 19 nearly 20 (a lad mind you so it might be a tad different ) now and I definatley had rules simialr to yours growing up. I had a curfew at 17, the usual where are you going, who you with etc et etc. Granted it wasn't as over the top as yours. However I'm pretty much free to do as I want now I'm in college but the parents still worry about me on nights out-that won't change;). But I'm actually glad they took an interest in me growing up, lots of mates had less strict parents and coudl do what they liked but coincidentally or not most of them have really struggled in getting into college, holding down part time jobs (basically anything with rules and deadlines) these days. So have a word with your Dad and see will he loosen up a bit, maybe invited your friends aroudn so he can meet them and hopefulyl thigns will be better

PS I wouldn't be in a hurry to camp at Oxegen at any age-a lot of rough rough individuals down there who will rob anything that moves.