Can't get over him :(

LegacyUser

My man left me last weekend. The relationship wasn't easy and was gradually getting worse. He had a drink problem, I found myself drinking more. We both know it is for the best but I can't move on, he said he isn't sleeping and thinks of me all of the time, we do love each other a lot, we just weren't right for each other.

We were together for 3 years, engaged and was living together.

A lot of his stuff is still here, he is lending me the sofa and TV until he finds somewhere so I will have to see him in weeks/months, everytime I do, I break down, I love him so much. I have been pathetic sending texts when drunk. He has kept his distance apart from the sorting bills and clothes out.

When he came, I burst into tears and he got upset although didn't show it as much as me, he hugged me and said he won't get with anyone yet, he isn't ready. That is what is worrying me, thinking of him with someone else, makes me sick. Him doing things with/to someone else that he did with me.

I am crying now writing this down.

How long will it take to get over him? I know it has only been a week but I am all over the place. Family and friends are visiting lots but it is making me more sad, I don't want to cry in front of them, I feel like I am emotionally pushing people away inside and feel so bad because they are the ones who care.

I am 28, this is my first serious relationship so it has hit me hard, I don't know what to expect. What emotions will I go through and how long will it take?

I want to fast forward time. I can't even imagine being with anyone else. Since the split, I have been chatted up by 3 different men, this just makes me want him more.

Please help.

carmel27

devastatedgirl wrote: »

I am 28, this is my first serious relationship so it has hit me hard, I don't know what to expect. What emotions will I go through and how long will it take?

I want to fast forward time. I can't even imagine being with anyone else. Since the split, I have been chatted up by 3 different men, this just makes me want him more.

Please help.

You broke up a week ago OP. Of course your bound to feel like this. It will take time. But being chatted up by 3 different men in the space of a week is good going, if I may say so.

dellas1979

There is no exact time as to how long it takes to get over a break-up.

From my experience, it takes a little longer to get over the more serious ones - or ones that ended with a lot of problems (his alcoholism etc) as you need to process what happened (you'll blame yourself but it wasnt really your fault) and sometimes we never really get oversome one, we just learn to cope or used to not being with them.

Ok, I sound like Miss doom and gloom but once you've hit the bottom i.e. right now, the only way it up. You need to look after yourself. Now is the most important time. And if you need to cry, you need to cry. Dont block it in.

Micahelxcx

You poor thing.
Well, let's see. You were with each other for three years and you became engaged and moved in together. So, you probably saw each other as a compatible couple that would spend the rest of your lives together.

When did his drinking become a problem? Or did he always drink and just seemed to drink more? Did he drink to overcome emotional problems?

Is he prepared to see a doctor about his drinking and thereby find out the underlying cause for his unhappiness? Because the break up is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility that he has become a heavy drinker.

Don't beat yourself up over what has happened. U have only broken up a week. And you say you had three guys chat you up. Where did this happen? Seems odd. But take the positives from that. You are obviously a very attractive girl to be chatted up by three different men in a week.

Take each day as it comes. Ensure you have equal amounts of time alone and with family and friends. Talk about your feelings to trusted family members and friends. Cry. Don't bottle it up.

I think perhaps a short holiday would be in order if you have the time and the money. Just get away from the house or apartment you shared.
You are better off not having any contact with him. I know it sounds hard for you but it is for the best. You are very young, still in your 20s.
You are going through your first real 'break up' and it is very hard on you.
Most of us have gone through what you're going through and have come out the other side, in one piece. You will too. Trust me. But more importantly trust your own feelings.

So, may I suggest that you busy yourself everyday. Go walking, call to friends, suggest lunch, buy a bike and go cycling. Just keep busy. Go to the cinema, have coffee with friends or your sister (s).

Clear out everything that reminds you of your bf. Photos, momentoes, CDS, jewellery. Bin the lot.

Every time you think of him, make yourself think of something else. Focus on other issues, items.

Do not text him nor ring him nor email him.

There is no exact timeframe for getting over an ex. Some people say it happens when you meet another person you fancy. So, if a guy invites you for a drink or coffee, accept if you find him nice, handsome and attractive. Don't reject him 'cos you're not ready. You might regret it.

It does get easier as time goes by. But you have to help yourself in the healing process. It could be a few months, maybe a year, maybe even longer. It all depends on you.

Liam Byrne

devastatedgirl wrote: »

My man left me last weekend.

devastatedgirl wrote: »

We were together for 3 years, engaged and was living together.

devastatedgirl wrote: »

I am 28, this is my first serious relationship

Give yourself a break. If it was only the flu you wouldn't be recovered by now.

Tormenting yourself - unfairly - for not being "over" it so quickly will only drag it out.

If you were over it after a week, then you'd probably come across as completely heartless and not worth knowing.

You're human. That gives you the highs and the lows.

How long it takes depends on lots of factors, so no-one can tell you.

But stop beating yourself up.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. The guys in question chatted me up on facebook when they found out I was single. I am willing to date but not these guys.

I had a nice day yesterday, 2 lots of friends came round and my mum and dad. It was nice to have company. I just don't like it when everyone goes and I am left to my own devices.

He has always had a drink problem but he was getting worse, he did have the cheek to say it was because I made him unhappy but that is not true. All my friends have said they wondered why I was with him as I am gorgeous (in their words) and can do better.

My friend is after pairing me up with someone I used to work with, not sure about him but she said I need a bit of fun, there are a lot of men out there who would love to take me out and treat me how I deserve to be treated. My ex was so distant with me, I think he was over me before he even left, yet other times he was telling me how much he loves me. He has messed my head up.

dellas1979

Girl, will you save some bloke some possible heartache, and yourself a favour, and not go near anyone for a while.

The saying "the best way to get over someone else is to get under someone else" only applies in certain breakup situations, and this is not one of them.

You need to get your head sorted - its not a race you know.

merlie

Hello Op,

I really feel for you and some of what you said has echoed what I went through in the recent past with my ex. It is nearly a year to the date since he left me. I remember crying to, writing out my feelings about our relationship on here and feeling completely lost.

I know it is devastating, because you are mourning the loss of the love you shared with him and the close companionship you had with him. You are most certainly not ready to date other guys just yet as you are emotionally sensitive at the moment. You need to take things one step at a time, don't be to hard on yourself. You need to let this all out and the way to do it, is to let your family and friends know what you are going through. They will be there to support you.

I know he was very much a big part of your life and most likely you were his too. But as you said you were not exactly right for each other. You both have respect enough to know this and to make the right choices for each others future. Yes, I also totally get when you say " thinking of him with someone else, makes me sick. Him doing things with/to someone else that he did with me." I know as I felt the same thing to when my ex left me, especially when I had given him so much of me and only did because I felt we would spend the rest of our lives together. Even now I cringe when I think of how much I gave him, when I should have held back.

As to your ex dating again, well that is to be expected since you are no longer together as you will in time. I will say this that it is always easier for the one who breaks the relationship, they have a better sense of closure than the one they left behind.

Life will get better for you, you will have to take each day as it comes for time being. See friends, go out and do something to occupy yourself instead of going over and over your relationship in your mind, I know cos I did this too.

Why not join a club and learn something new. Go out with friends and family and enjoy yourself. I know it is hard but it does get better slowly but surely.

Take care of yourself

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Today I am feeling slightly better - although last night I had a missed call from him but ignored it, I am not getting back to him. I know he was drunk too because it was straight after football. I think he decided to ring and thought better because it stopped really quick.

A few guys have been chatting to me on POF but nothing serious, I just want to get attention. I have also been asked out again on facebook! He has dragged me down so much I don't even realise how attractive I must come across to others. Knowing there are men out there who like me and want to get to know me, does help in me getting over him, it really does although I won't rush into anything. I will particularly look for men who are looking for dates, not FUN, just dates. I don't want to regret rushing into bed with someone.

Thanks again for your replies.