Devastated :(

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

first time posting in here but long time reader. I broke up with my gf of just a year during the week. Or should i say she broke up with me the past year has been fantastic for me, id never met somone like her before.Sure she drove me crazy from time to time but i loved her totally. however she never once said that she loved me which got me thinking something is not right. Friends wernt too keen on her as they thought she acted like a spoilt brat alll the time. Anything she wanted i got for her, hair chlothers, car repairs money, paying her rent food etc.Paid off her visa bill.God when i think of it i was such a fool!

Sex was almost non exisitant as she always had an excuse. she told me she had a big problem trusting men and had her heart broken many times in the past, i understood that so i thought by giving her the space she needed she could figure things out. Then she said i never get physical with her which is not true, id try it on from time to time but she would have none of it then she says that to me? regardless of this we did get on amazingly well together. i done evrything for her though and i mean every single thing!

this week though she asked if i was happy with her. i said that i was happy with her but baffled over the sex thing why she is so cold over it. She said she didnt know the reason and that maybe she was not ready to be with anyone. i asked her if we both need to take a little time to think things out she said she wasnt sure but maybe yes. So that was fine.
The following day my friend texted me to say she told his gf we split up and that he was sorry to hear. This was news to me that we split up. Its the way i found out that it was so final. im gutted.Its like such a waste of a year, after everything i done for her she just cast me aside without telling me to my face.

I took her off my facebook right away, then received a text from her 10 min later to say oh nice you erased me, see you around. i said what did you expect? I can bear to see who she is with or what she is doing. i feel just numb inside now i dont know how to rebuild my life without her. I know everyone will say get over i, shes no good etc etc....but i truelly loved her Really am gutted. Feel sick to the point of vomitting thinking about her with other guys if i meet her out.I just couldnt handle it

Sorry everyone for the long post i just need to vent a little, thanks for taking the time to read this.

Ickle Magoo

She sounds like a total user - getting you to pay her rent, food, car repairs and visa bill but no action because she can't trust guys?

You may not feel like it now, but trust me, you are well rid. She sounds like a right prima donna who is perfectly happy to take, take, take but suddenly it's an issue when she has to give.

Get yourself out with your friends and ask them what they really thought of her, as you get over the initial sting I think you'll start to realise what she was really like.

Best of luck.

wirelessdude01

sounds like you are well rid of her. little user with no regard for what you think or feel. let her move onto the next sucker.

Cheap Thrills!

Oh God, what a nasty, selfish parasite your ex is, I think she saw you as nothing but an ATM OP, sorry to say. You really are well shot of the horrible thing.

OP, I will say to you for the future. DONT ever go so overboard with kindness to anyone again until you get to know them and the kindness is returned.

You did everything for her, you gave away your love, money and kindness too easily and gave too much to someone who was not worthy.

I hope you feel better soon and please don't go back for more no matter what the manipulative little loser says or does. She is BAD NEWS OP, steer clear.

You deserve so much better.

bronte

You paid her rent and visa bill? Are you serious?
I know you're in pain right now, but I think in time you'll realise that this girl was not a particularly nice individual. There's a reason your friends weren't keen on her...they hated seeing you get taken advantage of.
You did the right thing in deleting her off facebook...erase her number and ask for no contact. It will help in the long run.
You sound like a nice guy, just don't give too much of yourself to people in future...only give what you can afford...and I don't just mean in monetary terms.

G-Money

I guess it's possible she had issues trusting men but to be honest, I don't believe that for 1 second. Sounds to me like she just completely used you and I guess for all her "lack of trust in guys" she had no lack of trust in your ability to pay for everything for her while she gave you nothing in return.

You've said you love her and that's fair enough, but I think you're in love with someone or something that doesn't exist. I think you're imagining she's not how she really is but once you have some time to yourself, that crazy fog will lift and you'll see her for what she really is.

Regarding her texting you and getting in a huff as you deleted her from FB, I'm not surprised she did that. Although you should expect her to throw some guilt your way and pressure you into "just being friends". If she does, reject that completely, don't even consider it for a second. It's just a flat out refusal and don't capitulate no matter how much she guilts, complains, cries, or whatever other emotional weapons she tries to use.

I always seem to notice a pattern when relationships go south like this and it's usually the case that the friends are right about the girl/guy but the person going out with them is so besotted, they can't see it. Or don't want to see it. Your friends have the benefit of not being head over heels for this girl, plus they only have your best interest's at heart. So those times when you're sitting there thinking you'd like to get back with her and feel yourself reaching for the phone to call/text her, or the computer to email her. STOP. If you need reminding, just tell your friends and they will most likely shake it out of you (not physically I hope ).

Also delete any other emails addresses you have for her and her number. If you see her calling/texting, don't answer or reply. I'd even go as far as to say if she calls and leaves you a voicemail, don't listen to it. Or if you do check your voicemail, only let it run until it plays the first millisecond of the message then delete it. I think sometimes voicemails get deleted after a while if they're not listened to, but I'm just thinking it's best to delete it straight away as that way you don't forget about her message and then hear it the next time you check for a message from someone else.

Don't make up any silly reasons in your head for staying in touch either. Unless you have children together (which is pretty much impossible seeing she refused sex) or a house or some other major financial ties, you've no reason to see her again. Small trinkets and the like can be returned without meeting up if required.

And one last point. For all her talk about not trusting men, I'm going to bet she f***s some other guy within 4-6 weeks. Or at the very least is scoring/seeing someone by then.

So in those moments when you're doubting whether cutting contact was the right thing to do, remember that she most likely is off out with some other guy , not giving you a 2nd thought (despite all your time together and everything you did for her, charming isn't it?) and she probably has no qualms about going to bed with him.

We've all been heartbroken. We all think that this girl/guy was the one, was different from the rest and everyone you'd met before, or how it had been ages since you last met someone like that. The list of statements goes on.

The fact of the matter is that she was just out for herself, no matter what she says. Actions speak louder than words and while the words might have said "I like you" the actions said "I like you buying me stuff much more".

Also, don't let this nasty piece of work taint your opinion of women. She was one selfish piece of work but for every one of her, there's a million much nicer girls so keep that in mind.

Good luck and here's to a speedy recovery.

Miss Fluff

It may not seem like it now, but you will learn a valuable lesson from this. She is a total parasite and you allowed her to be. Any healthy relationship consists of give and take and she just took. She actually has done you a favour.

AngryBadger

Hi OP,

You're definitely better off without someone like this. To me it it sounds like she was a manipulative little so-and-so. Getting you to pay her bills/everything else, refusing to be intimate with you, (I mean I understand some people have intimacy issues but wtf??? You have to work through that sort of thing if you're going to survive as a couple not keep rolling out BS excuses), and then the break-up.

Here's my take on the break-up; she initiates a conversation about the relationship asking you if you're happy, you say you're not because of the sex issues, she then suggests that maybe she's not ready to be with someone, you suggest a break, she agrees, and next thing she's telling people ye've broken up.

I think the whole "maybe I'm not ready to be with someone" line was a bluff, and you called her on it by suggesting a break. She then upped the stakes by agreeing, (most likely not believing you'd really go for it but would capitulate which would hand her the controlling stake in the relationship), but in fact you went for it, (and well done to you IMO). Then either in a bid to save face, or to put more pressure on she starts telling people ye've broken up. Also getting bitchy because you took her off facebook, (again the right move in my view since this is just another way she can mess with your head), is just more of the same, her attempting to make you out to be the bad guy, when in fact she's completely in the wrong here.

I think you've made the right moves getting away from this woman. It sucks right now, it feels like you've been used of by this clown for the last year, and you're asking yourself "was any of it real?", "how did I not see what was going on?".

I've been there OP, many of us have at one time or another. In my case it took me a while to get my head around it, it's simply mind-boggling the lengths some people will go to manipulate and control the people around them.

Don't beat yourself up OP, you've made the right choice, and you've made it before things passed the point of no return, (i.e. there are no kids, you've no mortgage, you're not married to this ass-clown etc.).

For my money you've handled this 100 % correctly. Keep that in mind when you're feeling low about it.

LegacyUser

Hi I have just been in something similar, I did all the running making sure as much as possible in het life was sorted, I was there always when she wanted. She left me and a rented place together and went back home leaving me with the rent and bills. She had serious issues so me being the fool remained in contact as a friend and she eventually moved in with a friend and others. In the meantime I had to find somewhere cheaper to live and was finding it difficult. In the meantime 3 days after we broke up her ex who she still had contact with rang her the same night I was talking to her she drove into the city and brought him back to her parents place and did everything u could think of in bed (she told me) but said she was not really there etc and then next morning brougt him to the airport to catch a flight to meet up with another girl. Anyway she moved into the new place was not happy and knew I was finding it hard to get another place and offered to house share as friends which suited me. Found a place, signed lease I moved in and then she decides not to move in, leaving me in the **** again. I lost the plot and said and done some horrible things by text and on the net as she just did not see the damage she was doing to me. I bought het things and looked after her etc and just got treated like dirt. Hope she's happy on the air

Devastated

Devastated wrote: »

Its like such a waste of a year, after everything i done for her she just cast me aside without telling me to my face.

No relationship is a waste. We are not all born knowing what we want from a partner, what people are like, or what warning signs to look out for that a relationship is a bad one.

It sounds like this girl used you a lot, but you enjoyed a lot of it at the same time. You now know the warning signs of a girl that is just out to use you and you also know a lot more about what you want in future relationships by what made you happy in this one and what did not.

All in all you have had a year of good useful experience. This will stand to you when the next girl comes along.

LegacyUser

OP here

Many thanks for all the comments, all excellent advise there. Still hurting but ill get there in the end hopefully!

yermandan

Deleted User wrote: »

No relationship is a waste. We are not all born knowing what we want from a partner, what people are like, or what warning signs to look out for that a relationship is a bad one.

It sounds like this girl used you a lot, but you enjoyed a lot of it at the same time. You now know the warning signs of a girl that is just out to use you and you also know a lot more about what you want in future relationships by what made you happy in this one and what did not.

All in all you have had a year of good useful experience. This will stand to you when the next girl comes along.

+1 ,Super post.

Op focus all of your energies as much as possible on what you have learned from this process. About yourself, what you want out of life and perhaps most importantly, how you will act in future relationships.

Best of luck

G-Money

Deleted User wrote: »

No relationship is a waste. We are not all born knowing what we want from a partner, what people are like, or what warning signs to look out for that a relationship is a bad one.

It sounds like this girl used you a lot, but you enjoyed a lot of it at the same time. You now know the warning signs of a girl that is just out to use you and you also know a lot more about what you want in future relationships by what made you happy in this one and what did not.

All in all you have had a year of good useful experience. This will stand to you when the next girl comes along.

I have to say I kind of agree with this.

It's crappy when a relationship ends and you get hurt, especially if you feel the other person messed you around. And while I personally can still think certain relationships are a waste when they don't work out, the experience you from them is usually invaluable. It's just a shame that you have to go through all the pain and heartbreak first.

There was a girl I liked one time and while we never really became a couple officially, it was sort of heading in that direction. Anyway it didn't work out and it messed up my head quite a bit and while I hate how everything happened and how I reacted, I feel like it has made me so much smarter and clued into relationships and warning signs. That's not to say that I know everything and can't get hurt again, but I think I'm a bit wiser to certain signs and I know when to pursue something and when to just cut my losses and move on.

As I say the experience is essential, it's just a shame it's so painful to gain.

The way I see it in my head, I divide these things in two, straight down the middle. On one side is the relationship part and all the good and bad stuff and how it eventually ended. Quite often I can see that part as a waste. But on the other side of the line I see the experience that you gain from it all. Unfortunately while I can divide those things in my head, you can't get one without the other usually.

Anyway just learn from the experience so that next time if something similar is happening, you can just pull the plug and move on.

LegacyUser

OP here again

where to begin? All great advise i was given on this post last year thanks to all, its just a shame i didnt pay more attension to it! A few weeks after i wrote this i met her and basically after a very long chat and her promising to change her ways we decided to give it another go.
This time round things were much better, although i did slip back into the old ways of paying some of not all of her bills. Relationship improved and we got along unbelieveably well, its true to say i totally loved her. Almost every third or 4th day she said she loved me and was happy out now with thing, last week her dad told me she has finally found happiness:)
3 days later totally and i mean totally out of the blue i got the dreaded we need to talk text So i went and met het....basically all i heard her say was she is not happy and that she is bored with her life, she loves me to bits but just wants to be friends... i was numb on hearing the news and still am to be honest. I just dont know what to do with my life any more, i really thought she was the one for me.

and now as i sit and write this she's all i think of

thoughts??

Taltos

Well OK - so you went back despite what all thought - but you know - so what - at least you tried - and now you definitely know 100%.

So - what now?
Pick up your phone - delete her number
Log into Facebook etc - delete her
All traces in your life - remove
Calls/texts that you will get - don't answer or return - cause can guarantee once she sees you moving on she will be sniffing back around again...

Try not to sit in and dwell on what went wrong - because nothing did - she is just a headwrecker looking for an easy ride through life. As bad as she is now she will get worse as she is older - so god help the poor blighter that gets lumbered with her - chances are the kids will be worse.

Call up a mate and go celebrate your utter freedom and the lucky escape from her drama...

(Seriously mate - you are dead lucky to get away now).

Neyite

Take comfort in the fact that you are a really nice guy who gave somebody a second chance that they wasted. Then walk away with your head held high.

Like others have said here, this time is not wasted. In fact, it will stand to you not only in your own future relationships but in relationships of those around you - you will spot a user of either sex at ten paces.

Delete/block all contact with her. Dont waste any more of your future on her - and that includes moping over her.

Reconnect with friends and kick start your social life - just dont do the drinking-to-forget stuff. If you cant drink without getting upset for a few weeks, dont drink until you are emotionally stronger.

Take up a new hobby - it could be a sport, the gym, a language, a practical skill, music, whatever. Put your efforts into you. You deserve it.

Firetrap

From this distance, it does look like you were/are besotted with her and not in a healthy way. You got all sorts of great advice in this thread and I think you should re-read it a few times because it makes a lot of sense. Try to remove the love goggles and read the advice objectively.

The thing to bear in mind here is that you now have been dumped twice by her. You gave it your best shot and you must now accept that it was not meant to be. The one thing I'd say to you is please do not go back to her again for round three. I've an inkling that even though she has dumped you, she'll be back again when it suits her.

You sound like a really lovely person with a big big heart but you must not let this girl stomp on it. You really need to cut her out of your life and get out of the unhealthy rut of infatuation that you're stuck in. Reconnect with your friends and do your best to move on. Really, you are much better being single than being with her again. The longer you stick with her, the more uncertain you will be about the day when she decides - again - that she's bored of you and wants to break up. If you keep repeating this cycle, you will damage yourself.

Smashhits

I'm not going to tell you you'll get over her or you're well rid, we can't help who we love. I know i've recently split with the love of my life after nearly 19 years. If i can carry on so can you. Believe in yourself and i know it sounds like a cliche but time does heal all wounds.
As said already not your fault you tried. Good luck, it's the start of the rest of your life.

LegacyUser

thanks to all of you for again, good advise, i hope im strong enough to act through on it, i know what needs to be done im just not sure if im able to do it.

Thanks again

greenprincess

Just try your very hardest to stay totally away from her for as long as you can. I dont think she is a good influence in your life.
Best of luck

Firetrap

Have you any friends you can turn to for moral support. You need to tear yourself away from this girl because it will destroy you. And I think you know this.

LegacyUser

op here again, well my heart is still well and truely broken, less than 2 weeks after we broke up we were back talking etc.I caught her in the pub snogging another guy, and all my friends saw it too. it broke me up inside.

she got hysterical when she saw i saw her and begged me to forgive blaming a drugs and drink filled binge.she has admitted she has major problems all in her head, and is deeply unhappy with herself and her life. I still love her and im torn if i should help her. My heart says help her my heads says run, run away....im still so confused and upset about it

thefeatheredcat

sorry to hear that OP

you need to put yourself and your emotional and mental health first. You were decent, actually brilliant in giving her a second chance, and she has not given you what you deserve, happiness.

she needs to take responsibility for her actions and behaviour... blaming it on drink/drugs is silly, as I assume she makes those choices herself, and is aware of the consequences of her actions and behaviour.

Walk away OP before you get any more hurt by this girl and her actions. She has to want to help herself and get herself into a better place in life, and dealing with her problems and acknowledging them head on.

You will be better off yourself to walk away, heal yourself up and meet better women who will treat you in a much better way and that is something you really, truly deserve.

Taltos

OP - here is my advice for what it's worth - blunt as always.
Next time you talk just tell her to go fop the hell off and never ever ever contact you again.

Otherwise OP in say 10yrs we will be reading a thread from you doubting that you are the father to her brood of whiney gits. I mean seriously - walk away - do you really have such a low opinion of yourself that the best you think you can do is this user?
She will spin whatever lies she needs to in order to keep you onside - stop listening.
<sigh>

Firetrap

The more I hear about this woman you love, the worse she sounds. She has an unhealthy hold over you and she knows it. She's manipulative and will crush you again and again and again. Perhaps it is better that you saw her snogging the other bloke and will show how little she cares about you.

You HAVE to stop talking to her. NOW. There is no other sensible answer to this. You continue contacting her and you will be fooling yourself on some level into thinking you'll get back together. That's what you want deep down and it is the worst thing in the world for you.

Have you considered going to see a counsellor about this by any chance?

chicken fingers

Shes about the same as a common prostitute.
Pay her bills then 3 days later she leaves you again?
My god man, do yourself a favour and never contact her again you sound like a nice guy you can do better.

seamus

Firetrap wrote: »

The more I hear about this woman you love, the worse she sounds. She has an unhealthy hold over you and she knows it. She's manipulative and will crush you again and again and again.

+1

You can't be "just friends" with this girl. The minute she finds herself in trouble she'll be running crying to you about her problems and you will be incapable of slinging her out on her ear. You'll find yourself picking up the pieces whenever she's down, then left devastated again when she decides that she's "bored" and wants to do something else.

Listen to your head. Delete her number from your phone, cut off all points of contact with her and spend your time having fun with your friends. It takes time, all heartbreak does. But it takes ten times longer if you're in continual contact with her. If she texts you, don't give in. You can text her back politely to tell her that you're not able to talk to her, but don't get dragged into a conversation.

You're not her counsellor or her father or her brother or her ATM. You're her ex-boyfriend, and exes rarely talk to eachother, if at all.

Wagon

Cut contact. You don't owe her a thing. If anything she owes you and what you can ask for is space. As in permanently, but you don't have to let on that last part to her.

Delete all contact details, all phone numbers, facebook accounts, email etc... Do it now, right after you finish reading this post.

She wants to stay in touch because you're the only bloke who probably had the decency to care about her and she knows this. A girl like that will often attract arseholes. So she wants to keep you around to listen to her problems and tell her everything will be okay. More than that though, she wants to keep you around so she knows in her mind, that there is someone out there pining for her. This will boost her ego. So when she's feeling down, she can say "well, at least he loves me" referring to you.

This won't last forever, because what normally happens next is that she gets herself sorted out and meets someone new. And then contact will suddenly cease. She'll feed you lines about how she needs space and that you are distracting her. She wont want that because it's a distraction to her new relationship. And where will that leave you? Bottom of a bottle, depressed, and feeling like a total waste. She won't just use you to solve her problems, but essentially offload them to you.

You've already been sent through the fúcking mill with this one mate. So get out of it now. You've been given some solid advice here by everyone. Use it. It's pretty much correct. Women like her can change but in your case, the only one who will benefit from it is her. Not you. So cut contact forever. Won't be easy but once you do it and get over the initial few weeks, you will be a better man for it. Then you'll be well on your way to getting life sorted.

purplefighter

You sound like a loving,caring, forgiving guy. You deserve to be truly loved for who you are. What was it exactly that you loved about her? I'm just baffled because she seems to be very selfish, you've done an awful lot of kind things for her and she hasn't treated you with much respect or niceness in return. She has messed you around big time yet she's all you can think about. Think of all the bad things... she took you back just to chew you up and spit you out again, nobody deserves that. Use anger to get over her!!! It can be useful. Remember you deserve WAY BETTER and you'll find someone who will treat you right and really love you, trust me

Zebra3

OP,

If you lost any good friends you had over her, maybe you need to chat with them. Especially if some were really speaking their mind to explain to you what you couldn't see.

And if you have the cash, book yourself a nice holiday away somewhere with a couple of mates where there'll be plenty of girls.

talkin

forget about her. put her out of your mind. she'l never change she'l keep the on off on off thing going with you!

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
My take on the situation is that the relationship was much more serious for you than it ever was to her. You said yourself, that the whole year ye were together she never once said she loved you- there are worse people who will lie and say "I love you" even when they don't mean it, she didn't do this.
She shouldn't have got you to pay her bills, but then again you completely allowed this. Did she ask you to pay for these things, or was it you who kept offering?
Did you think that if you were the nicest, most generous boyfriend ever, and offered her anything she needed that she would eventually grow to love you the same way that you loved her? If so, then that is something you have to take ownership for yourself for behaving in this way, even though she had never said she loved you.

I completely believe that she was in the wrong for accepting your money, but you do share some responsibility too. I don't mean to sound preachy, because I have gotten used by 'friends' for money too, and even today I wonder if I am too generous to another loved person in my life. I'm just as guilty of similar, but whereas before I would just think some people are horrible,and feel so hard done by, now I acknowledge that I allow it to happen sometimes and it's up to me to put a stop to it.

In my opinion, to this girl you are the safe, reliable guy who would never hurt her and who would do anything for her. The only problem is that this doesn't excite her. I think it's a myth that girl's don't like nice guys, but I think it's true that they aren't into people who are TOO nice. There was a thread about this in the ladies lounge, and some points there were that girls do want a nice guy, but they don't want someone to absolutely worship them, or someone who never disagrees with them, or someone who doesn't stand up for themselves.

I'd say she got the shock of her life when you suggested the break. She probably thought you didn't have it in you. It was probably out of shock and annoyance that she went around saying that ye were broke up--probably thinking that as soon as you heard that that you'd ring her and try to talk her out of the break up. When you didn't cave to her drama seeking, and just deleted her of Facebook, she must have been really surprised and annoyed that you weren't pandering to what she wanted which was more attention. I mean you got a text 10 mins later, she was obviously waiting on FB to see what you did next.

This unexpected behavior from you more than likely made her see you in a new light, and earned yourself more respect in her eyes. This is why she went back to you. I think she wants to like you more, and after the break up convinced herself that yes this guy is the best for me, and I miss him so much so I must love him[she suddenly started saying she did after a year of never saying it]
However things were great for awhile, but slipped back to the old ways again, you started paying some of her bills again too.
All of a sudden she is bored again as the drama of the split/getting back together has died down, and she's thinking 'maybe this was a bad idea'
I believe her when she says she is very confused. Her head is probably telling her to stay with the nice guy who treats her so well, but her heart is saying that ye are just not right for each other.

While I do condemn her actions regarding money, I can't fault the girl for her honesty. She didn't pretend to ever love you the first year [when she did say it after the break, she had probably convinced herself that maybe she did.]
Again, she has come straight out and told you that she just wants to be friends.
If she was just using you for your money then she would string you along like other con people do, but she seems fairly upfront about her feelings.

So yeah, I do believe she is a confused girl. Whenever things get rough for her, she will automatically think of you, as you are someone she knows will always be there.
You have to put a stop to this for good. Do not allow her to treat you like an emotional yo yo.Let her know this is the end that you are moving on with your life. I wouldn't advise staying friends because you still have strong feelings for her.
This is going to be hard for you OP, but you can't afford to be waiting around whilst she tries to make her mind up about what type of boyfriend she wants.
Bear in mind that you rejecting her from your life will probably make her want you more than ever, and she will cry and promise to change etc.....but it will all end up the same again like a vicious circle. In a few months she would just be confused about what she wants again, and your heart will get broken again.


Learn from this experience. You WILL find a girl who loves and appreciates your kind nature, but your ex is just one of them girl's who doesn't know what she wants. Don't waste your time waiting for her to change, because you will waste your life away.
Stay strong OP and stick to your guns on this one. No going backwards. Good Luck. :-)