Was she pregnant?

agrostar

Hey there wondering if anyone here could offer me some advice. Im not sure whether this is the correct forum or not but we'll give it a go anyway. This has been killing me with years:(:(

Went out with a girl in college six years ago it was an on and off kinda casual relationship but was going out with her for over 10 months all the same. Shortly before we broke up she told me her period was late and was afraid she was pregnant:eek::eek::eek:. We stuck together anyway and after about a week r so of sleepless nights she told me it was a false alarm.

However after this very very long week of debating it out in my head as to what the best course of action would be if she was or wasnt pregnant, i came to the conclusion that if she was id do my best to stick by her besides our differences and if she wasnt i would break it off as we were not an ideal match and it wouldnt be fair to her to string it out any further. So after finding out she wasnt pregnant i called a halt to the relationship it didnt end nicely regrettably things were said by both of us and we didnt part on speaking terms, something just didnt feel right......

About 2-3yrs ago one Sunday evening i started getting text msgs from someone claiming to be this girls friend i had a relationship with asking if i was ever going to visit my little girl????:eek::eek: My heart nearly stopped, we swapped several text msgs and i played dumb not knowing who was sending the msgs, they confimed who i was and were certain it was mine afraid it was one of the lads taking the piss i didnt want to say too much.

Long story short went to the pub that night in dispair, got drunk lost the phone have never heard from this unknown number again. Know all the other girls i have been in a relationship with and none of them are with child. There are not alot of women for me to check out and its only this girl left. This girl was from a different part of the country and as i worked at home every wkend i dont no where she lives exactly, went to her hometown afew times but we stayed at her friends house as she shared a room with her younger sister.

This is eating me up i have myself convinced i have a daughter out there is there anyway i can find out ??? Tried ringing the Public information office but they wouldnt release any information about births and christenings,,,, Have friended two of her old friends on facebook but she isnt on there,,,,I probably havent a child out there but it just the not knowing is killing me:(:( Its just the person sending the msgs was so sincere and something just didnt seem right when we broke up. Sorry for this rant but even writing about it might help thanks

Miss Fluff

That's a bit of a head fcuk alright. You're not to be carrying all this guilt with you though, it's not like you abandoned a pregnant girlfriend.

You can find out pretty easily if you want to find out. This is Ireland after all. I'd say it would take you all of an hour or so. Do you want to get to the bottom of this without her knowing or do you actually want to track her down?

LegacyUser

any chance you could ring your phone operator and explain you lost your phone and ask them to give you a list of numbers you called/texted, i think they can do this, although its prob too late now, if this happened 3 years ago...

Have friended two of her old friends on facebook

any chance you could make up some excuse about needing to talk to the girl, and ask her old friends if they might be able to give you an address/phone number for her??

mikemac

Ireland is a small place, it's not difficult to find someone.

Can you go the college and the administration department for your school.

They will have her details or more likely her parents home address.
It's the only way I can think of tracing her but realy, they probably won't give out information to you. You can try

You know her surname and whereabouts she is from.
Phone book that you get every year with the golden pages?
Tell her parents you know her from college and ask for a mobile number.
Or even leave a name and number, ball in her court then

LegacyUser

Somebody mentioned a phonebook. Do not for the love of god go cold calling people from the phonebook with her surname. More than likely it wont achieve anything. People have mobiles now and a lot of households dont have a landline. You could be phoning an elderly person and scare the bejayus out of him/her.

Is she on bebo? Myspace?

Do you know the name of the school she went to. What year she left? Go over to bebo, have a good root around and join the group for her school and write a message in the forums - no need to give too much info there - maybe ask - does anyone know so and so and how would you get in touch with her. Tell them how you met and how you know her and want to get in contact.

mikemac

Bebobebobebo wrote: »

Somebody mentioned a phonebook. Do not for the love of god go cold calling people from the phonebook with her surname. More than likely it wont achieve anything. People have mobiles now and a lot of households dont have a landline. You could be phoning an elderly person and scare the bejayus out of him/her.
.

Someone? my post was right above yours, is it hard to read?

The OP knows her name, you call the house and ask for her.
If she's not there and she probably isn't leave your name and number, old college friend.
That's it.

And her parents probably do have a landline

I don't see how Bebo for someone in their mid twenties is a better option then phoning a landline.
I thought Bebo was getting shut down anyway

agrostar

Miss Fluff wrote: »

That's a bit of a head fcuk alright. You're not to be carrying all this guilt with you though, it's not like you abandoned a pregnant girlfriend.

You can find out pretty easily if you want to find out. This is Ireland after all. I'd say it would take you all of an hour or so. Do you want to get to the bottom of this without her knowing or do you actually want to track her down?

I know i shouldnt be carrying this guilt but i do if things would of ended better we would of been on talking terms. I didnt include this in the original post but she tried to ring me afew times a month or so after breaking up but i didnt answer her calls:(:( What did she want to talk about??? I was afraid she wanted to give things another go but after the last scare i thought the best thing to do would be not to answer the calls and as we were finishing college i would probably never see her again .

I would rather get to the bottom of this without going directly to this girl to be honest. Was thinking about ringing her but what could i say

"Hey how are things? By the way did you have a child there 5yrs ago??

I have an awful feeling if she wanted me to know she probably would of told me but I know the same girl probably wouldnt tell me. If she wasnt after having a child it would be selfish of me to ask her just to get closure for myself. I would like to be back on talking terms with this girl as she is a nice girl and i dont like not to be talking to anyone.

mood

agrostar wrote: »

Have friended two of her old friends on facebook but she isnt on there,,,,I probably havent a child out there but it just the not knowing is killing me:(:( Its just the person sending the msgs was so sincere and something just didnt seem right when we broke up. Sorry for this rant but even writing about it might help thanks

Could you not ask these friends? After being with her for 10 months you must know a lot about her. You should be able to contact some of her friends/family who you must have know well. You need to find out for sure.

2Scoops

agrostar wrote: »

I would rather get to the bottom of this without going directly to this girl to be honest. Was thinking about ringing her but what could i say

You had her number the whole time? Just call her. I think any initial awkwardness is worth finding out whether you have a child or not.

agrostar

2Scoops wrote: »

You had her number the whole time? Just call her. I think any initial awkwardness is worth finding out whether you have a child or not.

Dont have a current number for her anymore her old number must be disconnected or something. Asked my friends on Facebook for her number but they were only her college friends and not from her locality, asked them about her and they said they hadnt seen her since she left college.........
Still i would prefer to find out without her knowing........... I know it is a cowardly way but I cant see any easy way around this............

If i do have daughter i would like to be involved in her life but i suppose alot of this would have to depend on the mothers choice as to whether she would want me too have anything to do with them. She could be in another relationship with someone else bringin them up as their own

LegacyUser

Still i would prefer to find out without her knowing........... I know it is a cowardly way but I cant see any easy way around this............

If i do have daughter i would like to be involved in her life

this is gonna sound harsh but - you can't have your cake and eat it too, either you want to find out if you have a daughter or you don't, i don't really see how you're going to find this out without her knowing tbh, and if i was her i don't think i'd appreciate you "going behind her back" so to speak. Being brutal with you for a minute..it doesn't sound like you've treated this girl very well in the past (dumping her as soon as you found out she wasn't pregnant, not answering her calls, not being on speaking terms), this is whats gotten you into this situation in the first place, don't you think maybe nows the time to "man up" and just try and contact the girl directly..??

Miss Fluff

You're in a bit of a tough situation. I don't think you will have a problem finding out if the girl has a child but how then do you know if it is even yours or not?

How big is her hometown? Would you take a spin there? If it's not a city and you have some recollection of the area you stayed in, a local post office should give you that information if you're cunning about it.

If you have a bit of money (and it need not cost you the earth), you can hire a PI (private investigator) and that way you will find out for definite. Maybe someone on Boards can recommend one to you? There are lots in the yellow pages but I'd have no idea where to start.

To be honest, most people are on some social networking site these days so if you dig deep enough you will definitely be able to find someone connected to her if not her herself. If you went out with her for ten months, surely you remember the names of her siblings or best mates?

agrostar

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You're in a bit of a tough situation. I don't think you will have a problem finding out if the girl has a child but how then do you know if it is even yours or not?

How big is her hometown? Would you take a spin there? If it's not a city and you have some recollection of the area you stayed in, a local post office should give you that information if you're cunning about it.

If you have a bit of money (and it need not cost you the earth), you can hire a PI (private investigator) and that way you will find out for definite. Maybe someone on Boards can recommend one to you? There are lots in the yellow pages but I'd have no idea where to start.

To be honest, most people are on some social networking site these days so if you dig deep enough you will definitely be able to find someone connected to her if not her herself. If you went out with her for ten months, surely you remember the names of her siblings or best mates?

The only way i might know if its mine is if the dates match up if she had the child less than nine months after the breakup. Her hometown is not very big might be the best way of tracking her down. Only problem is she was from the surrounding countryside but im sure someone would probably know her. She is not on any of the social networking sites tried Bebo and Facebook no luck at all. Was thinking about hiring the likes of a private investigator but dont even know where to find one of these........ Would they be able to get this kind of information???
To be honest the cost at wouldnt bother me too much at this stage as it would give some closure at least............

Miss Fluff

Well then a PI is your best best. Would take them a matter of hours I should imagine, it's what they specialise in. Be very clear on expectations and to get a comprehensive outline of anticipated costs and "expenses" and then take it from there. Just Google "Private Investigators Ireland" and you will get a pretty comprehensive list. I still think you should probably start a thread asking for a recommendation (not sure what category that falls in to) as at least then you know the PI is legit. Think it probably best go this route to put your mind at ease. They will take photographs and everything if you so require.

Miss Fluff

agrostar wrote: »

Was thinking about hiring the likes of a private investigator but dont even know where to find one of these........ Would they be able to get this kind of information???

Yes. PI's are often engaged for litigation cases or where there is a need to "prove" something, so a company might engage a PI to prove that their employee on extended sick leave with a "bad back" is actually lifting his own bodyweight in the gym for example. They can find out anything. You just need to tell them name, where to look, and they will do everything else for you.

sporina

can you not just contact her and tell her you received the text etc? there would be no harm in that?

belongtojazz

I have no suggestions for you in how to find your ex, but I just wanted to say I'm very pleased you're concerned enough about this to try and do something to have a relationship with your daughter (if it turns out you are a father)
My daughters father left us when she was first born and it has been very tough on her not knowing who he is. He has no interest in her at all.

So well done, it shows you in a very positive light

Longerview

Birth certs are public. You know her surname and could look for a birth registration for around the "due" date....then you'd know one way or another !

Chinafoot

OP while I feel for your situation, I have to question why its taken you 2-3 years since those messages to actually even think about finding out. If you want to be involved in your childs life then surely you would have done absolutely everything in your power to find this girl and find out if you actually have a kid?

You need to decide if you actually want to be involved. Your lack of action and making excuses would make me have my doubts tbh.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

On first reading this, I was thinking the same as belongtojazz, as I too was dumped by my ex when I was pregnant. And I was thinking, well, fair play to him for at least trying to find out.

Then I had a re-read and realised you got those texts 2/3years ago! Firstly, was it 2 or 3 years...?
You can't be that bothered in finding out whether you have or have not got a child if it's taken you a minimum of 2.5yrs to even post a thread here, trying to figure out how you'd find out about it.

I'm not judging you. But I think you should have a re-think about the comittment you'd be prepared to give to this (possible) child, should you are indeed be a parent.

It's one thing to decide to contact this girl...but think about the level of comittment you might have to give to a child and the fact that it's taken you almost 3yrs to even try to find out if she exists.

agrostar

beingblunt wrote: »

this is gonna sound harsh but - you can't have your cake and eat it too, either you want to find out if you have a daughter or you don't, i don't really see how you're going to find this out without her knowing tbh, and if i was her i don't think i'd appreciate you "going behind her back" so to speak. Being brutal with you for a minute..it doesn't sound like you've treated this girl very well in the past (dumping her as soon as you found out she wasn't pregnant, not answering her calls, not being on speaking terms), this is whats gotten you into this situation in the first place, don't you think maybe nows the time to "man up" and just try and contact the girl directly..??

Thanks alot of what you say is right i cant have my cake and eat it but i really do want to find out if i have a child out there or not...........
TBH the way i treated her after finding out she wasnt pregnant was very bad if i'm honest. But I only called off the relationship because i realised i didnt want to live the rest of my life with this girl, maybe get married, have kids, argue, split up and divorce. Which would not be fair on either of us or any kids in the equation.:(:( We were only twenty when she had the pregnancy scare and it just made me realise that i would have to be there for these people for the next 15-20yrs if she said she had of been pregnant. When she said she wasnt i saw my way out and i took it..... Which was unfair now i know as she was just after going through (or still going through) as much of a scare as i was...........

agrostar

Longerview wrote: »

Birth certs are public. You know her surname and could look for a birth registration for around the "due" date....then you'd know one way or another !

Thanks,
Would i have to go to her local Public Information Office to find out about birth registration? Or would they be in a nationwide database that could be accessed from my local PIO?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If you have a bit of money (and it need not cost you the earth), you can hire a PI (private investigator) and that way you will find out for definite. Maybe someone on Boards can recommend one to you? There are lots in the yellow pages but I'd have no idea where to start.

Dont hire a pi this will be a big invasion of property just phone her up and ask her r ask one of her friends

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

You can't be that bothered in finding out whether you have or have not got a child if it's taken you a minimum of 2.5yrs to even post a thread here, trying to figure out how you'd find out about it.

I'm not judging you. But I think you should have a re-think about the comittment you'd be prepared to give to this (possible) child, should you are indeed be a parent.

It's one thing to decide to contact this girl...but think about the level of comittment you might have to give to a child and the fact that it's taken you almost 3yrs to even try to find out if she exists.

I agree with the above. You conveniently lost your phone after a drunken night out. You've waited a few years to decide you want to know.

I don't think you should bother to do anything unless your fully prepared for the commitment it will entail. Who wants a dad who doesn't really give a crap about them - No thanks, I'd rather I didn't know.

Madame Razz

If you go to her home town, especially as it's not so big, you'll find out where she lives pretty sharpish. Why bother wasting money on PIs when you can find out what you need to know pretty readily. All you need to do is call into the local bar/post office and they can give you the world of info. What you do beyond that is up to you.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree 100% with Spagellian, if it's a small town, she will be known. Even if she's from the surrounding countryside.

To be honest, I think you want to make it look like you're doing something, and then have something to blame when you can't find her, rather than actually doing something to find her! That way your conscience is sort of clear, and you don't have the worry of being a father.

As others have said.. it is a very very small country. You could find her in a matter of minutes if you really wanted to.

The best thing to do is contact her directly if possible and ask her straight out. I'm also guessing she asked the friend to text you years ago. That's not the sort of thing a friend undertakes without first ok-ing it with the person involved.

You're bveing very cowardly.. trying to make it look like you're doing your best, but in fact doing very little. Find her.. contact her directly, ask her, and if it's true apologise unreservedly for your immature actions.

And then try to be a proper dad for your daughter. If you're not prepared to take it seriously, then I say stop your "half search" now.

mood

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And then try to be a proper dad for your daughter. If you're not prepared to take it seriously, then I say stop your "half search" now.

+1.

Your ex or possible daughter are better left alone unless you are committed to being fulling involved in the child's life.

If you want to find her you will find her. But if you don't you will find excuses.

rere

You said you stayed in her friends house, so presumably she live close to there. The local shop in most country towns would have an idea where if not her, her parents live.
Or you could knock into the friends house and ask where she is, that is if you genuinely want to find her her and not just appease your conscience.

agrostar

mood wrote: »

+1.

Your ex or possible daughter are better left alone unless you are committed to being fulling involved in the child's life.

If you want to find her you will find her. But if you don't you will find excuses.

Im not here trying to make excuses for my actions now or in the past. I dont know why i never tried looking for her before but i always convinced myself it was someone taking the mick, if a girl out there had of had a child of mine she surely would of contacted me to at least get maintaince r something.
What are the likely chances that she would choose not to tell me?????
And before anyone says i probably didnt treat her right r something. I did treat her right, i never did the dirt on her and i never hit her or any form of assault(verbal or physical) I broke it off when she said she wasnt pregnant, i took her at her word, the reason we were not talking afterward was because she didnt want to end it, i did.
I just thought someone on here might be able to give some helpful advice rather than judging me. Either way i will have an answer sometime shortly and if i have a child out there i hope to be involved in their life the best i can which is alot more than can be said for alot of losers out there who have kids and have nothing to do with them.
Plus even if i do find out i have a child everyone knows the rights unmarried fathers have to their children so its all in the air as of now.
Thanks for ye're help and advice

LegacyUser

I broke it off when she said she wasnt pregnant

if a girl out there had of had a child of mine she surely would of contacted me to at least get maintaince r something.
What are the likely chances that she would choose not to tell me?????

maybe she didn't tell you because as soon as you found out she wasn't pregnant you dumped her! surely you can understand how that would make a woman feel? That you were so relieved she wasn't pregnant with your child, that you dumped her to make sure it wouldn't happen again. I mean you do understand how that reflected on you, in the eyes of your ex..Honestly i can completely understand why she would chose not to tell you, the poor girl probably felt that you would not want anything to do with the child, so she made the best decision for the child, having no father is better than having a father who doesn't want you.

I'm not saying that you are/would be a bad father, and i'm not saying this to slate you, but you can understand how your actions would have looked to this girl...

mood

Well, there are loads of ideas here to make your search easier.

Bear in mind that your ex might not be too happy to see/hear from you considering it has taken so long for you to start looking so be prepared and be patent (if you do have a child).