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Friends with benefits

  • 08-07-2010 10:11pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, I'm in the whole friends with benefits thing with my best friend but there's one problem, I've fallen for him and he doesn't feel the same about me, I'm heartbroken. I'd just like to hear other ppl's stories of going through similar situations and how you coped with the pain of it all. thanks.


Comments

  • #2
    cinderella2010
    Closed Accounts Posts: 133 ✭✭cinderella2010


    yeah just walk walk away.....dont do it to yourself...woman cannot seperate sex from emotion...I know I am a woman
    Men have no problem with this area


  • #3
    TitoPuente
    Closed Accounts Posts: 549 ✭✭✭TitoPuente


    Definitely best to walk away ASAP. Nothing good can come from this if he doesn't feel the same way. The sooner you move on, the better.


  • #4
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    unregistered wrote: »
    Hi, I'm in the whole friends with benefits thing with my best friend

    You can't be friends with them anymore. Not best friends or friends with benefits - not friends in any capacity. You need to distance yourself and sever contact with him/her so you can move on....


  • #5
    Denimgirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 392 ✭✭Denimgirl


    I don't think this " friends with benefits" thing really works, 1 person always developes stronger feelings and i think that 1 person only agrees with the friends with benefits thing coz they would like a piece of the person they desire than nothing at all! but it rarely works out, stay away and be with somebody that gives a 100% to you.


  • #6
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    Denimgirl wrote: »
    I don't think this " friends with benefits" thing really works, 1 person always developes stronger feelings and i think that 1 person only agrees with the friends with benefits thing coz they would like a piece of the person they desire than nothing at all! but it rarely works out, stay away and be with somebody that gives a 100% to you.

    I disagree to be honest. Although I am probably a little more self-contained than most people and can separate feelings and sex no problem if I am not crazy about the person. Doesn't mean you can't have a great time. You can still have a crush on the guy! It suits me really well as I don't like one-night stands at all tbh and haven't met anyone of late I want to get into a relationship with. So any time I have been single there is always a "lover" in my life who I find totally hot, is good in bed, is discreet so nobody is under any illusions, have good fun with them and can have a laugh with but am just not interested in having a relationship with them. In my experience they have ranged in duration from 3 months to 2 years and it means I can get to know someone sexually. It's not for everyone granted but it can most very definitely work!!


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  • #7
    Denimgirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 392 ✭✭Denimgirl


    Miss Fluff wrote: »
    I disagree to be honest. Although I am probably a little more self-contained than most people and can separate feelings and sex no problem if I am not crazy about the person. Doesn't mean you can't have a great time. You can still have a crush on the guy! It suits me really well as I don't like one-night stands at all tbh and haven't met anyone of late I want to get into a relationship with. So any time I have been single there is always a "lover" in my life who I find totally hot, is good in bed, is discreet so nobody is under any illusions, have good fun with them and can have a laugh with but am just not interested in having a relationship with them. In my experience they have ranged in duration from 3 months to 2 years and it means I can get to know someone sexually. It's not for everyone granted but it can most very definitely work!!
    yeah, you may have been happy to have it like that but the guys may have liked you more and maybe was hoping for more than casual?, i think human beings get attached and when they become too familiar with someone especially as being so close to eachother as to be sharing eachothers bodies with eachother.if your not that attracted or have a chemistry with someone it's so easy to switch on and off ,but when you like someone it's becomes very difficult.personally i've never experienced the friends with benefits thing! i think it's a waste of time,i can't have meaningless sex with someone i don't love , but thats just me! i would'nt get anything out of it what so ever, but I always wanted to know about these set ups would the 2 parties be faithful to eachother? or if they see someone they like out they will have sex with them too?i personally could'nt be dealing with a set up like that if thats the case.


  • #8
    sam34
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,073 ✭✭✭sam34


    cinderella2010 wrote: »
    yeah just walk walk away.....dont do it to yourself...woman cannot seperate sex from emotion...I know I am a woman
    Men have no problem with this area

    wow, sweeping generalisation there.

    i'm a woman and i can quite easily separate sex from emotions, as can many of my female friends. some cant,some can.

    similarly, i have seen men get into the FB scene and get emotionally involved.

    as with women, some men can, some men cant.

    its a tad ridiculous to write off either gender as can/cant.


  • #9
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    Denimgirl wrote: »
    but I always wanted to know about these set ups would the 2 parties be faithful to eachother?

    :confused:No, because it's not a relationship.


  • #10
    kjl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,127 ✭✭✭kjl


    Well, he is your best friend, and he sleeps with you? he sounds like he is already you bf, has he told you he is not interested in you? He might just have commitment issues.

    Talk to him, you can't just walk without getting closure.


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I sugegst go with teh flow. My "Friend" freaked out many times when I suggested more often we should be FBuddies.....
    Afetr a wile of regular times he no longer freaks out, infact I think we are falling for eachother.

    I assure you, when we started teh FB thing he was nearly against that too....I stuck around cause I love him already, had no plan to be with him as GF/BF....Now times are kinda changing....
    in sayign that, this is not the case for all, I'm lucky, so lucky that something might happen with me and my best friend...

    Dpot loose a friend over this, that would be so silly and such a waste.....

    He's your friend, he loves you, you tripped and feel on top of each other a few times.....Thats what best friends are far...

    Dont let it ruin your friendship though. Your rejection wounds will heal....adn you enevr know he might stop freaking out and see things clear....

    Good luck...


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  • #12
    G-Money
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,199 ✭✭✭G-Money


    I think we need to start a sticky on RI about FB and FWB situations as there seems to be a lot of threads where one of the people got attached and the other didn't and just stuck to the original arrangement.

    You need distance from this guy, that's the only way I know to get past someone. You can't get past a person if you're constantly around them and always having to deal with them. Thankfully, unless you live or work together, you will be able to think of ways of staying away from him.

    I think a lot of people reckon FWB situations or FB situations are cool and trendy and they try to convince themselves they are ok with them but I think in reality, deep down, they want a normal relationship. Sure there are some people and it's a situation that works out well for both involved. However that seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Normally one of the people get attached and end up hurt. My question is why they don't just go for a normal relationship to begin with. The fact that they get attached and are hurt that the other person doesn't want anything more, suggests that they do want a relationship. Otherwise they wouldn't care.

    Anyway OP, get some distance, put it out of your mind and perhaps next time, if it's a bf you are after, perhaps just go the conventional route, rather than trying to turn a FB or FWB into a boyfriend.

    Good luck.


  • #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi there OP,

    I was in exactly the same postion as you a few years ago and it nearly ripped my heart out. I was friends with this guy, we got along great, got into a sexual no-strings arrangemnt because he didn`t want a relationship he said, and at the time I had no feelings for him beyond freindship and just wanted sex myself. So it suited us both. Or so it seemed.
    See he actually had a really close female friend he was in love with himself and after they got together and we sleeping together , he turned into a monster. So much for "freind". He called me a slut, said he had no respect for me and that all I was was easy sex. He became so nasty that I cut off all contact. A toattly different man. To make it worse, I had fallen for him during this time (never told him as he never wanted a relationship with me anyway) and it broke my heart to have him turn against me like that and tell me what a slut I was and how great she was in comparison. Its sad in this day and age that such a double standard still exists but sadly it does. I wish I had never slept with him because it changed his opinion of me, made me feel cheap and worthless and the freindship was ruined.
    Stop the sex right now. If you allow it to continue, you will regret in in the long run when he gets a proper girlfreind and you feel used and rejected. If you have told him you have deeper feeling for him and he says he does not feel the same but continues to sleep with you, he is having his cake and eating it and probably has no respect for you as a person. I cannot say if your friendship can be saved, but my advice to you is stop allowing him to use you for a good time, and put some distance between you until you can look at it all with a clear head and decide if you can stay friends on a "normal" basis. In my own opinion, if you want to have NSA sex, it is best reserved for men you have no feelings for either as a freind or anything more. The minute you get attached, get out!! Men dont tend to repect women they have casual sex with and dissapear afterwards even if he WAS a freind before. It should not be this way, but that is the reality.
    So look after yourself op, and work on moving on from this man.


  • #14
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    GrayMagik wrote: »
    Hi there OP,

    I was in exactly the same postion as you a few years ago and it nearly ripped my heart out. I was friends with this guy, we got along great, got into a sexual no-strings arrangemnt because he didn`t want a relationship he said, and at the time I had no feelings for him beyond freindship and just wanted sex myself. So it suited us both. Or so it seemed.
    See he actually had a really close female friend he was in love with himself and after they got together and we sleeping together , he turned into a monster. So much for "freind". He called me a slut, said he had no respect for me and that all I was was easy sex. He became so nasty that I cut off all contact. A toattly different man. To make it worse, I had fallen for him during this time (never told him as he never wanted a relationship with me anyway) and it broke my heart to have him turn against me like that and tell me what a slut I was and how great she was in comparison. Its sad in this day and age that such a double standard still exists but sadly it does. I wish I had never slept with him because it changed his opinion of me, made me feel cheap and worthless and the freindship was ruined.Stop the sex right now. If you allow it to continue, you will regret in in the long run when he gets a proper girlfreind and you feel used and rejected. If you have told him you have deeper feeling for him and he says he does not feel the same but continues to sleep with you, he is having his cake and eating it and probably has no respect for you as a person. I cannot say if your friendship can be saved, but my advice to you is stop allowing him to use you for a good time, and put some distance between you until you can look at it all with a clear head and decide if you can stay friends on a "normal" basis. In my own opinion, if you want to have NSA sex, it is best reserved for men you have no feelings for either as a freind or anything more. The minute you get attached, get out!! Men dont tend to repect women they have casual sex with and dissapear afterwards even if he WAS a freind before. It should not be this way, but that is the reality.
    So look after yourself op, and work on moving on from this man.

    He was never your friend in the first place. What a pr1ck....


  • #15
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    GrayMagik wrote: »
    In my own opinion, if you want to have NSA sex, it is best reserved for men you have no feelings for either as a freind or anything more.

    Never a truer word spoken - bravo! This should be the title of a sticky in PI.


  • #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    kjl wrote: »
    Well, he is your best friend, and he sleeps with you? he sounds like he is already you bf, has he told you he is not interested in you? He might just have commitment issues.

    Talk to him, you can't just walk without getting closure.

    Oh i've talked to him alright, I told him I love him more than just a friend and got the whole just want to be friends thing back and how of it didn't work out then he'd be awfully upset as he loves having me in his life. When we do spent time alone together we are very close and a bit flirty which is nice but I'm chasing something which just isn't going to happen. He does have commitment issues definetely as he said he isn't a relationship type person at all, he just likes the whole sex thing every now and again. He saind he never sees himself in a relationship with anyone at all. I just could not get my head around this, how can you feel like you never want to love someone and never want someone to love you romantically. Cutting him out of my life is not an option at all as we are just so close and support each other to a certain extent. I know i'm doing myself harm being with him and it's also very annoying when were out and ppl comment on "oh are you two a couple?" and that sort of thing. My heart is truely shattered......


  • #17
    seenitall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,724 ✭✭✭seenitall


    unregistered wrote: »
    Oh i've talked to him alright, I told him I love him more than just a friend and got the whole just want to be friends thing back and how of it didn't work out then he'd be awfully upset as he loves having me in his life. When we do spent time alone together we are very close and a bit flirty which is nice but I'm chasing something which just isn't going to happen. He does have commitment issues definetely as he said he isn't a relationship type person at all, he just likes the whole sex thing every now and again. He saind he never sees himself in a relationship with anyone at all. I just could not get my head around this, how can you feel like you never want to love someone and never want someone to love you romantically. Cutting him out of my life is not an option at all as we are just so close and support each other to a certain extent. I know i'm doing myself harm being with him and it's also very annoying when were out and ppl comment on "oh are you two a couple?" and that sort of thing. My heart is truely shattered......

    Well, OP, despite all the good advice you have received on here so far, it seems you are not ready to change things; I sympathize with you, because now you will have to learn this lesson the hard way. In the meantime, enjoy the bitter-sweet agony of being in the Bonkzone(tmWibbs) and living with the "shattered heart".


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