Finding it really hard not contacting ex

cinderella2010

My self and my ex-fiancée' relationship fell apart late last year after he announced he couldn't see us getting married and it wasn't something he every wanted.

Although we did fight a lot in the aftermath he didn't want to end the relationship...but the final straw for me was when his family got involved and when I found an email from his sister telling him to dump me and that she didn't want me at a family function despite the fact I never did anything...I confronted my ex and he told me he was relaying information back to them, such things as words being said in a heated argument etc....

although I still loved him and I found it hard to let go of the idea of getting married I didn't want to walk away...but when he started going on all night benders and taking drugs I knew I had to go.....I left a number of months ago and at first was fine about it and felt it was the right thing to do I now am starting to rethink things.....I feel like there was no problem we couldn't fix, he said he regretted telling his family anything and it was very wrong of him and that he felt under their influence and found it hard to go up against them....we had 8 years together in suddenly things went pear shape when we got engaged.....I miss him terrible and I am not finding time the healer everyone told me it would be...I miss talking to him and I have realised I can live without getting marred but I cannot live without him...

I know now he is the one for me and I accept 50% responsibility for the problems in our relationship.

I dont care what his family think be I feel he fears getting back together because he will face the roth of his family he are very opinionated and I have never seen him go against anything they say or view...I dont understand this as I know no matter what happens my family will support me and I am such a loyal person I would never let anyone talk down about him..but I guess this all boils down to family origin...I am a second child and was independent and always had to stand up for myself etc however he is the youngest and seems to just want to keep them happy all the time.

Can anyone tell me will this feeling go away and how would I broach a reconnection. Has anyone experienced this???

My heart is breaking now more then ever

carmel27

Hi OP,

Sorry to be blunt about it but your ex sounds pretty immature. I think anyone in a relationship that has to run back to Mammy, Daddy, and the siblings with stories about their OH is just immature. We all encounter relationship issues and its so much easier to discuss them with somebody. However, I think theres a huge difference between discussing things with your friends and with your family.
My last relationship ended last Nov.There were a number of factors that led to us breaking up, but his interfering family was a big one. He was 33, and came from a large and very close family.
However, he ran back to them with every detail of our relationship. Initially, when things were going good, it was small things, such "Oh Jim (not real name) was saying you booked a holiday" or "Oh, we heard you might be changing the car" etc. These were only minor, but I couldnt understand why he'd have to tell them.
Then it came to a point where I couldnt buy a pint of milk, but it was discussed. In 2008, I decided I wanted to buy my own place. Applied for my mortgage and told nobody only him. Low and behold, on my next visit to the house, they were all questions. I was ripping. I hadnt even told my own family. I spoke to him about it and he couldnt see any harm in it.
It escalated as he was running back with everything, and I was getting madder and madder.
Then the rows started, and I knew they were being well informed. If we went a few days without seeing each other, Id get texts from his sisters asking was all ok. Then we had a major bust up a few months before we finished (which, ironically, was all caused by his aunt, who completely misread a situation, confronted me there & then, and caused me a huge amount of embarrassment and upset) and when things calmed down, I was at a family function with him, and everyone of them approached me throughout the day, with their little pearls of wisdom. I ws actually fit to be tied. That was, more or less, the final straw. I had had enough.

OP, I think the expression "Blood is thicker than water" holds an awful lot of weight. If you two were to get back together, you need to be happy with the fact that they will always be there, in the background, and sadly, id the going gets tough, he will probably run back again with tales of woe. And, they will, naturally, see it from his point of view.

It also sounds, from his sisters email, like they already have a problem with you, and could you handle this in the long run? Would you want them judging you?

Maybe Im completely wrong, but why should you settle for this? I think you're well rid. With the best will in the world, theres nearly always a bit of tension/friction between in-laws. What sort of life would you have with him if they already have formed a negitive opinion of you? And if hes going back to them with his relationship problems before, he, more than likely, will again.

Good Luck OP.

cinderella2010

Yeah it sure is not easy having family in law like that....I dont get it my family are just not like that and they always tell me there are two sides to every story etc....all of this did however appreciate my parents more for the way the brought me up and thought me values,integrity and loyalty all of which I am very very grateful for....
But for him I would over look his family's lack of compassion even to make the point....

I cant imagine for a second sending a sibling an email telling them to dump their partner or telling them they weren't allowed to a family event, I dont have that right and I would never hurt a family member like that....I think it shows such a lack of respect for my ex that his family would talk to him like that and i wish he would see that

carmel27

cinderella2010 wrote: »

I think it shows such a lack of respect for my ex that his family would talk to him like that and i wish he would see that

Im afraid he will probably never see that. He is obviously still very much holding onto the apron strings, and probably thinks they're right in all their views and opinions. And if you were to say anything, you'd be seen as the "baddie".
I know from my own situation that I bit my tongue for as long as possible, to spare his feelings, and also because I knew it'd make no difference. In the months before we split, I did my best to avoid going to family gatherings,(they used to throw a party everytime someone coughed) sometimes even telling lies, to him, that I had to work. This, of course, was unfair on him, but because, like you, I came from a different kind of family where we were actually allowed to think for ourselves, I just couldnt cope with the constant meddling.
When we did split, he did his best to try and mend things, but it was too late. As i said in my earlier post, there had been other issues as well, but I really let him have it about his family's, especially his mothers, interference in our relationship. He was outraged. But we were definitely finished, so I just didnt care. I needed to get it off my chest.
Im sorry OP, but I still think that you're fighting a losing battle. The way I used look at it was what kind of life would I have had if Id married my ex and had kids? Id never get a minutes peace. I could imagine constant phonecalls, unannounced visits, interference in our relationship, criticisms of how I did things, and plenty of talking/bitching about me behind my back. Id be constantly competing against them for his attention. And I wouldnt be able to cope with that. Would you?

merlie

Hi Op,

I had a somewhat similar experience, in where my ex relayed our problems with his mother and his step dad. I found it completely embarrassing and felt humiliated. He involved his own mother and step dad but not his brother but I am sure something got back to him to. The reason he told me was that he had no one else to talk to with regards to it and basically his mum knew all of what we were going through.

My friends told me he was a 'mama's boy,' and at the time I didn't see it that way. He was always close to his family and he is the youngest to. I did love his family and got on great with them, but it really bothered me that he involved them in our disagreements

I understand your situation Op, but the fact is he got his family involved in your relationship and his sister really had no business involving herself in it. Your relationship should not be all about getting married, it is not the be all and end all of life. I know though, you miss him badly, but really you are remembering the good times with him and not the bad stuff. I know cos I did this too. I have had to get over a mountain when we broke up, so I know everything you are going through. Yea time does not heal all wounds as I still think of my ex but it is now time for you to move on and get on with your life. You do not need complications in your life, even from his family. There were just too many cooks in the mix.

Go out with friends, join a club, there are some interesting meetup groups on something you might enjoy doing.

http://www.meetup.com/find/ie/dublin/

If you don't live in Dublin just change the city/town to which ever you live in.

Kind regards,

Merlie

Firetrap

OP, you broke up with him for plenty of very good reasons. I think because you've been finding it hard to get over him, you've gotten a bit desperate and are starting to see things with a rose-tinted haze. He doesn't sound like much of a catch seeing as he's told you he can't see ye getting married, he's been telling tales to his family and went off taking drugs and drinking.

If you did go back to him, would anything change? You're the one who's coming second in this. You'd still be less important than his family and you'd be coming back on his terms. In other words, you'd be back with him not as half of a couple intending to get married but as someone who's that desperate to stay with him that you're willing to forego what you'd previously agreed on. Why did he decide he didn't want to marry you? A fear of commitment? Or a fear of what his family would say?