What's wrong with me?

LegacyUser

Ok, so I've been single for a couple of years. No biggie really. Life is good and busy. Great friends and family, working etc.
But yes, I would like to meet someone.

And I do make the effort to do that.
In the last couple of years I've met dozens of men. Some never took off the ground, some dragged out for a while. But none ever get to the relationship stage. Or if they veer in that direction the bloke panics and dumps me. And then comes back. And then I dump him because he treats me badly. And then he tries coming back again.

This has happened a few times, with a few different guys.

It's like they want me, and then decide they don't. And then they do but they think i'll put up with all sorts. And when I won't they get annoyed.

I wouldn't think I portray myself as a doormat but I must. Because these guys seem to think after a while that I'll put up with anything. And then when I won't they get really annoyed and try to make out like they were the good guy and I should want to be friends or take the scraps they throw me.

This has been really highlighted for me this week. A guy I've been dating ended things and then asked for another shot. And I gave it to him. But it wasn't the same. So he ended it again and I was relieved in a way. And then he was really angry because I was ok with it.

And a guy I was seeing last year (who did the same, dumped me, asked me back, treated me badly and I dumped him), has been contacting me for another shot.

How do I break this pattern because the problem has to lie with me!

shebango

Well the one thing i've learned is to not ignore the 'red flags'.

Relationships that turn unhealthy or nasty usually have a history of red flags on either side that were ignored.

So the thing to do is, if you see a major red flag or lots of little one's - walk away. Cos believe me, they are not worth sticking around for.

Reesy

Are any of these recent past relationships with people with whom you can talk through (after a decent interval) what worked & why it failed? Have you any close friends who've seen you in these relationships & could offer some insights? Are there any particular phrases that these men tend to use when describing the relationship (not saying these things are true, just that they might show up a pattern)?

Did you ever try writing the story of one of the relationships, looking for the point (and maybe it's right at the beginning) where it went wrong & rewriting the script? That sometimes works for me, to get me to imagine it differently.

AngryBadger

OP I'd be interested in hearing some more specific details of your experiences with guys just to try and maybe tease out some things that maybe aren't obvious from your own perspective.

From your post, well clearly you're attractive to guys if you're able to meet them, and clearly they find you desirable beyond just the initial encounter.

You seem like someone who's very confident, and knows what she wants, a lot of people have problems with this, and a lot of women ARE WILLING to put up with the kind of behavior you describe, hence the guys you meet carry on the way they do.

It may simply be that you're in a minority group who know what they want and are unwilling to compromise to get it. Which I think deserves applause. If the guys you meet can't handle that well then sod them!

I firmly believe people can find someone they can have a healthy relationship with, unfortunately I also believe that requires incredible tenacity, and that a lot of people wind up settling.

LegacyUser

In all aspects of my life I am confident. Except with men.

In work, with family, with friends......I don't take crap, I speak up for myself etc. But I never fall out with people so I do have tact even when disagreeing.

I think if I had to pinpoint it, it's either that I get too invested too early, or that I'm too open about what I want from a relationship.

Basically when I start seeing someone I'm really nice. I don't quite put my life on hold, but I am available to them. Then a few weeks/couple of months in, I start to look at where it's going. And this sends them running. The one line I hear a LOT from guys is that they don't want committment, aren't ready to settle down yadda yadda ya.

At this point, things start to disintegrate and it becomes a "casual" relationship. Which I settle for but I'm not cut out for at all.
And then, upon realising that this isn't enough for me I dump them. Or they sense my unhappiness and dump me. But they ALWAYS come back.

I guess I need to change my approach.

I generally find that talk of commitment scares many people off. It gives off this impression like “Today our relationship is like this and if we have a talk tomorrow it will be something else” and that fear that it will all be different after “the talk” is what scares them, not the actual commitment itself.

Relationships evolve, slowly, you can not just go with it for months and then say “right from today it is long term”.

Next time take it slow, and talk about little things that are PART of a long term commitment, but not the whole thing. Start finding out about the guys impression of certain things like “What do you want in your life” or “When do you see children in your life” and so on. Not talking about those things WITH YOU, but just their general impression of the future over all.

Or mention things like “I like when you are here, do ya wanna leave some of your stuff here and see what living together would be like… ya could stay over a few nights during the week and stuff so ya don’t have to always be away”.

Tiny changes rarely scare anyone.

LegacyUser

Fair point. I probably am a bit gung ho about the whole thing.
I was in a very LTR which ended when we reached our mid 20s and wanted different things. I wanted to get married and start a family. He wanted to continue as we were, partying, travelling etc. It was a very painful realisation that we were no longer compatible and the break up was very very hard.

But it had to happen as I know what I want and he couldn't give it to me. And I guess I'm afraid that I'll end up in the same position again. So right off I make it clear what I want. And it is the wrong approach (clearly).


And I guess they come back because when I say that stuff they are thinking "intense, stalker, baby making woman. Run away!!!" but when they run, I don't follow. i just get on with my life. So they start thinking maybe I'm not a freak. And they come back. But they keep their distance too. Just in case. And neither party can be happy when he's one foot in and one foot out I guess.