Not being asked to family events

LegacyUser

Not wanting to hijack the OP's thread but on the other side of the coin what are people's opinions on being in a 6 month relationship with someone who is refusing to bring you to a relative's wedding because he/she does not want their family to get to know you for fear of hurt it might cause the family later?

Beruthiel

What hurt would that be?

LittleBook

If someone I'd been in a relationship with for 6 months told me he didn't want his family to get to know me in case they'd be "hurt" later ... I'd think he was thinking about breaking up with me.

LegacyUser

I was in this exact scenario a few months ago and was ready to end it with him as it seemed he was never going to introduce me to his family and I just couldn't get my head around what the problem was with me. The final straw was when he was invited alone to his cousin's wedding because the family didn't know of my existence.

I told him how unhappy this made me and it eventually got through to him (I think men don't tend to see the importance of stuff like this to a woman) and it turned out he'd been holding back because his family were very fond of and attached to his ex. They were extremely upset and hurt when he ended the relationship, while he was just relieved to be out of it. He had to deal with his family's "trauma" for quite a while, and their endless questions when it really shouldn't have been any of their business.

I think he was afraid of them 'not being ready' to meet a new woman, and I think he had a fear of them judging me badly because of that, or comparing me to the ex. I imagine there's also a fear of them getting very attached to me and it not working out and resulting in further 'hurt' to his family.

I don't get it myself as this would never be an issue in my family, but everyone's different and sometimes we have to just accept others as they are, flaws and all.

Colonel_McCoy

If it was me I would walk away......are you being used as a FB?

LegacyUser

simgirl78 wrote: »

I was in this exact scenario a few months ago and was ready to end it with him as it seemed he was never going to introduce me to his family and I just couldn't get my head around what the problem was with me. The final straw was when he was invited alone to his cousin's wedding because the family didn't know of my existence.

I told him how unhappy this made me and it eventually got through to him (I think men don't tend to see the importance of stuff like this to a woman) and it turned out he'd been holding back because his family were very fond of and attached to his ex. They were extremely upset and hurt when he ended the relationship, while he was just relieved to be out of it. He had to deal with his family's "trauma" for quite a while, and their endless questions when it really shouldn't have been any of their business.

I think he was afraid of them 'not being ready' to meet a new woman, and I think he had a fear of them judging me badly because of that, or comparing me to the ex. I imagine there's also a fear of them getting very attached to me and it not working out and resulting in further 'hurt' to his family.

I don't get it myself as this would never be an issue in my family, but everyone's different and sometimes we have to just accept others as they are, flaws and all.

simgirl here again..

I should also add to this that after discussing it with him, he introduced me to his family the following week (we were 6 months in at this point) and since then I've spent every weekend socialising with his parents and family and have got to know everyone really well. He regretted not introducing us all much sooner but after many sad days for me stressing about the situation, that is now far in our past and our relationship has moved to a totally new level.

My advice; talk to him! Tell him what you feel, how it upsets you, how you don't understand why he won't just invite you along.

carmel27

guestttttt wrote: »

Not wanting to hijack the OP's thread but on the other side of the coin what are people's opinions on being in a 6 month relationship with someone who is refusing to bring you to a relative's wedding because he/she does not want their family to get to know you for fear of hurt it might cause the family later?

Hey OP,
That sounds rough. You've been together 6 months. Its probably time that you met them. You've obviously tried talking to him, as you say he has refused to bring you. It all sounds very peculiar.

How is meeting you/finding out you are in his life going to "hurt" them?

What was his sutuation before? He wasnt married? Or has he kids from a previous relationship? I know some families can be so old fashioned about such things, and maybe if this was his situation, then hes concerned about how they'll react towards you.

If, however, he has no baggage from a previous relationship, then Id be inclined to ask what it is he has to hide....

TitoPuente

Glad things worked out in the end. I've made the mistake before of sticking around with a girl for longer than I should when it was blatantly obvious that she had no intention of introducing me to her family. If, after 6 months, you raise the issue with a partner and they're still hesitant a month or two later - walk.

cinderella2010

If my bf of 6 months was carrying on like that I would be freaked....my mind would be going into overdrive...thinking is he ashamed, is he hiding me, who is he hiding me from and I would be left wondering does he have a double life,

SheRa

I can see it from the OP's partner's side to be honest. Ive had two long term relationships where i grew really fond of my ex's families. Its was hard enough breaking up with my ex's but not seeing their families again is another crappy dimension of breakups (but obivously appropriate that I dont), and Id imagine that it was tough for my family as well, having gotten to know my ex's.

I am far far far from even contemplating about ever wanting to be in another realtionship, but if I ever am, honestly I could imagine that I would be very reluctant to meet families at 6 months or even a year. Kinda sad but true:(.

TitoPuente

SheRa wrote: »

I can see it from the OP's partner's side to be honest. Ive had two long term relationships where i grew really fond of my ex's families. Its was hard enough breaking up with my ex's but not seeing their families again is another crappy dimension of breakups (but obivously appropriate that I dont), and Id imagine that it was tough for my family as well, having gotten to know my ex's.

I am far far far from even contemplating about ever wanting to be in another realtionship, but if I ever am, honestly I could imagine that I would be very reluctant to meet families at 6 months or even a year. Kinda sad but true:(.

I suppose the downside of that is the insecurity of your other half wonder why you don't want to meet them. If it feels right and you think things are going to last, I don't see the harm. Some relationships end and that's a fact of life... but no relationship will last if there's not a bit of commitment.

SheRa

TitoPuente wrote: »

I suppose the downside of that is the insecurity of your other half wonder why you don't want to meet them. If it feels right and you think things are going to last, I don't see the harm. Some relationships end and that's a fact of life... but no relationship will last if there's not a bit of commitment.

Ah thats true too:). At the very least OP's partner should try and explain why (if there is a particular why).

Stheno

TitoPuente wrote: »

I suppose the downside of that is the insecurity of your other half wonder why you don't want to meet them. If it feels right and you think things are going to last, I don't see the harm. Some relationships end and that's a fact of life... but no relationship will last if there's not a bit of commitment.

I've no real interest in meeting my current bf's family, we are together 1.5 years. I met his parents for about 10 minutes six months ago, but that aside have never met any of them.

Now I'm 36 and he's 47 so that may make a difference, but honestly I'd not be bothered if I never met them, it's irrelevant to me.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all who have replied... OP here, and despite what some people assumed I am referring to my girlfriend! I should have given more details. She has said to me a lot of what simgirl has said, she has had to deal with losing contact with her ex's family before as have her family had to deal with getting to know her ex then never see him again and she says she doesnt want to go through that hurt (for both sides) again so for the meanwhile she only wants to see me on my own, and "not make things complicated". Her mother has told her that she doesnt want to go through that again either, pretty much unless we're going to get married! I have met her family once at another event and got on fine with them but that wasn't "as official" as going to a wedding together. She tells me she doesnt mind going to any of my family events but at the same has no real interest in getting to know to the family for the reasons I outlined above. In every other way she seems to be crazy about me, as am I about her but this has caused me so much confusion/pain recently, yet she seems to think I'm making a big deal about nothing.

LegacyUser

OP again...
I have no intention of walking away and in every other way the relationship is going very very well and people have commented on us being such a suited couple etc etc. I have no previous longterm relationship experience to compare with what she has gone through so I dont know how to best approach the subject without sounding selfish/clueless. When I bring it up it results in me feeling like I've made myself seem an emotional mess who cares too much about what she regards as minor things

TitoPuente

Listen, I have to be honest with you. It sounds to me like she's making excuses not to get ingrained in a serious relationship. She can't drag previous bagage into a new relationship and if she really wants to be with you and share a relationship with you then she has to s**t or get off the pot. Be patient with her but if it's a case where you really think she should be meeting and getting on with your family and vice versa, then you need to address the issue.

carmel27

guestttttt wrote: »

OP here, and despite what some people assumed I am referring to my girlfriend!

Apologies OP. That was me:rolleyes:. Been a long week!
Glad you got an explanation, even if it does sound a bit mad.

Beruthiel

guestttttt wrote: »

she has had to deal with losing contact with her ex's family before as have her family had to deal with getting to know her ex then never see him again and she says she doesnt want to go through that hurt (for both sides) again

So what? I actually don't get this. She was in a relationship with him, not the whole family. I find it strange that she would be that upset.

Her mother has told her that she doesnt want to go through that again either, pretty much unless we're going to get married!

Her mother's a nutjob if she actually said something that extreme and you maybe should be thanking your lucky stars that you don't have to spend anytime with the woman.

yet she seems to think I'm making a big deal about nothing.

If she seems to think you are making a big deal out of nothing then how come she's making such a big deal out of you meeting her parents?
Double standards there.

LegacyUser

thanks all for the replies and despite what people are posting here I'm not going to break up with her over this and am finding great comfort in what Shera said:

"I can see it from the OP's partner's side to be honest. Ive had two long term relationships where i grew really fond of my ex's families. Its was hard enough breaking up with my ex's but not seeing their families again is another crappy dimension of breakups (but obivously appropriate that I dont), and Id imagine that it was tough for my family as well, having gotten to know my ex's.

I am far far far from even contemplating about ever wanting to be in another realtionship, but if I ever am, honestly I could imagine that I would be very reluctant to meet families at 6 months or even a year. Kinda sad but true."

This is pretty much exactly what my gf has said to me and I find it comforting to know that she's not the only one to feel like this. My gf felt very hurt after her last breakup and I assume she just wants to take this a bit slowly and I suppose doesnt want the possibility of the hurt/embarassment of telling her family in a few months that the new bf you got to know is no longer on the scene... (I await people's responses to say she's making an idiot of me :P ) On the other hand I realise that going to a wedding should be no major thing and shouldnt be seen as such, it's not like I'm asking to go home to hang out with her family when she visits home. She has no problem telling her friends about me and the majority of them had heard lots about me from her before ever meeting me so it's not like she's trying to keep me a secret.
In every other way we are getting on fantastically and I dont want this to ruin things so have just put up with it.
Regarding her mother, yes it may seem she's a nutjob going on what I said but she treated me with nothing but courtesy and respect the one time I met her. Her request may seem a little extreme alright but all I can do is hope to one day be seen as "longterm enough material" for my gf to be comfortable with me around her family.