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Why do I attract 'bad boys'?
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07-07-2010 11:26pm#1
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IMHO? Because "bad boys" are emotionally exciting. Bad boys usually have other women who want them. Big plus point there. They're usually outgoing and more social and carry more social cache and a hint of danger. That's attractive to many women. That and the feeling in the background that you can "tame" them. Big mojo that one. You also say you've rarely been without a man. Thats not a good bet as you rarely get the chance to process one relationship before hopping straight into another. A sure fire recipe for ending up with one type. In my experience anyway, I've never and I mean never known someone who was never without a guy end up with someone right for her, unless she took time out for herself. Even if they got lucky and found a good guy they tended to sabotage it.
IMHO, take time and dont go out with someone for a while. Like a year even. The next time someone really floats your boat chances are very high he's gonna be just another one of these guys that fits your internal template. So you need to work on yourself and that template will change.
My 2 cents anyway
Thank f**k a you posted this in a sensible, intelligent manner before the PUA heads come out of the woodwork!
His/Her (?
) answer is absolutely spot on OP. But as you've admitted yourself you're atteacted to these guys-the only person who can stop you going out with them is yourself-its kind of difficult to have much sympathy for ya! 0 -
HavingCrack wrote: »Thank f**k a you posted this in a sensible, intelligent manner before the PUA heads come out of the woodwork!
His/Her (?) answer is absolutely spot on OP. But as you've admitted yourself you're atteacted to these guys-the only person who can stop you going out with them is yourself-its kind of difficult to have much sympathy for ya!
Hi,
OP here again. Eh I'm not looking for any pity or sympathy so I don't know why you feel the need to make that comment, it doesn't help.
I am aware that I am choosing to go out with these men, I've said that. I was actually looking for advice from other women who were the same and also are men able to pick up on vibes from women such as low self-esteem etc I posted this because as my username suggests I want to break this cycle of picking the wrong men! If I knew why I do this or what it is about me that attracts them I wouldn't be looking for advice
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breakthecycle wrote: »Hi,
OP here again. Eh I'm not looking for any pity or sympathy so I don't know why you feel the need to make that comment, it doesn't help.
I am aware that I am choosing to go out with these men, I've said that. I was actually looking for advice from other women who were the same and also are men able to pick up on vibes from women such as low self-esteem etc I posted this because as my username suggests I want to break this cycle of picking the wrong men! If I knew why I do this or what it is about me that attracts them I wouldn't be looking for advice
Sorry I didn't intend any offence
. But as I said Wibbs has given you the reaons why you're attracted to these type of men-its only natural as they display the qualities (excitement, mystery etc) that excite women. Difficult as they can be to find there are ltos of decent guys out there. I;m not referring to the 'nice guys' (who aren't really that nice anyway) but confident, funny, outgoing, honest all roudn general good guys if you get me. A womans advice is probably better for weeding these guys out though 0 -
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OP, I am where you are. I have been single over a year now, and before that I was rarely single, but kept falling for people who would treat me like siht for a long, long time. A drastic event in my life has forced me to re-evaluate how I approached relationships, and now I am in a phase where I am practically relationship-phobic. It is a lonely place to be, not least because the more I keep working on my issues around myself and my relationships with men, the more unpleasantness I discover; my subconscious is turning out to be something of a treasure trove for my therapist. I would not change it for the world though; this part of my life was a long time coming, and I tell you, even if I never have another relationship in my life, it will have been so worth it.
Love for yourself IS the best love there is; some of us are more fortunate than others and have it instilled from an early age, and some of us just have to learn it as we go.
I wholeheartedly recommend some good therapy, self-esteem does need to be learned a lot of the time.
The best of luck to you.
Steddyeddy, I just feel the whole tone of your post, as well as the fact that you are repeating stuff that has been well established AND repeated, is not constructive at best and patronising and heavy-handed at worst. I don't think it is "a reportable offence", though, it is just my opinion. I will grant you that I may be over-reacting as well, because the OP's post feels very personal to me. Still, a bit of sensitivity goes a long way.0 -
OP, I am where you are. I have been single over a year now, and before that I was rarely single, but kept falling for people who would treat me like siht for a long, long time. A drastic event in my life has forced me to re-evaluate how I approached relationships, and now I am in a phase where I am practically relationship-phobic. It is a lonely place to be, not least because the more I keep working on my issues around myself and my relationships with men, the more unpleasantness I discover; my subconscious is turning out to be something of a treasure trove for my therapist. I would not change it for the world though; this part of my life was a long time coming, and I tell you, even if I never have another relationship in my life, it will have been so worth it. Love for yourself IS the best love there is; some of us are more fortunate than others and have it instilled from an early age, and some of us just have to learn it as we go.
I wholeheartedly recommend some good therapy, self-esteem does need to be learned a lot of the time.
The best of luck to you.
Steddyeddy, I just feel the whole tone of your post, as well as the fact that you are repeating stuff that has been well established AND repeated, is not constructive at best and patronising and heavy-handed at worst. I don't think it is "a reportable offence", though, it is just my opinion. I will grant you that I may be over-reacting as well, because the OP's post feels very personal to me. Still, a bit of sensitivity goes a long way.
Well seenitall i do feel you were a bit over reactive there as i had nothing but good wishes for the op, the post is personal to me also i used to have low self esteem but i beat it and in all the time i had it i never did myself justice, its a nasty thing. I apologise if i offended you seenitall aswell if a post sounds uncaring about a topic close to your heart it can cut to the bone. but that is the style of my caring just the facts as i see them, maybe i wrote the post that way because thats how i would have addressed myself in the past maybe i was projecting part of my self onto the op.
And seenitall you wrote about your own experiences beautifully there i know how a lot of that feels.0 -
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I think its also more complex than that. Its easy to say "Oh she's choosing these guys", but obviously its not a conscious decision. You're not walking around going "I think I need to find a real bastard, the last bastard didnt have enough bastard in him for me"breakthecycle wrote: »I am aware that I am choosing to go out with these men, I've said that. Its gonna be a lot more subtle than that.
Some men are. Unfortunately the very man you're trying to avoid is the very man who is more likely than the average man to pick this stuff up. Like schoolyard bullies who have an innate knack of spotting which kid to bully and which kid to avoid. Which kid will take it and even come back for more.are men able to pick up on vibes from women such as low self-esteem etc
OK my 2 cents? IMHO Women are way more likely to pick the wrong partner as a long standing pattern than men. Oh men will go out with right wagons, but tend to grow out of it more quickly. Why? In general women have lower self esteem, or place more of that self esteem on social values and relationships and their ability to get into a relationship and their ability to sustain them. This esteem thing goes double when starting out in adult life. If they're unlucky with the first few guys they fall for, they equate bastard with love*.I posted this because as my username suggests I want to break this cycle of picking the wrong men! If I knew why I do this or what it is about me that attracts them I wouldn't be looking for advice
The other aspect is what is attractive to women about good men is also found to some degree in the bastard. Well its good enough of a facade to fool you. Good men are confident, in control of themselves, interesting and emotionally exciting, attractive to other women, liked by other men and have boundaries. Bastards more than "nice" guys look like they have the above. Very easy to confuse the two, especially if you've not met the "real deal". That real deal is not that common either, especially when you're young and starting out, so again its easy to get confused and be attracted to the fake.
The good news is that most women grow out of this. There are a load of women at 20 who dig the bad boy, there are precious few of the same women at 35 who do and those that do are the ones who've never been single for any length of time.
Why? Mostly through experience and finding more confidence in themselves. I would say to speed up the process, you need to take time out. You need to be single, on your own for a while. I know that's a prospect that deep down really doesnt appeal at the moment, but it will stand to you long term. If you feel you have self esteem issues beyond this one to the degree where it limits your life choices then a bit of counseling wouldnt hurt. Start to build a better you and you're internal template will change. It can't not change.
*similar can happen with young men. If their first few women reject them that sets up the notion of rejection in themRejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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I think its also more complex than that. Its easy to say "Oh she's choosing these guys", but obviously its not a conscious decision. You're not walking around going "I think I need to find a real bastard, the last bastard didnt have enough bastard in him for me" Its gonna be a lot more subtle than that. Some men are. Unfortunately the very man you're trying to avoid is the very man who is more likely than the average man to pick this stuff up. Like schoolyard bullies who have an innate knack of spotting which kid to bully and which kid to avoid. Which kid will take it and even come back for more. OK my 2 cents? IMHO Women are way more likely to pick the wrong partner as a long standing pattern than men. Oh men will go out with right wagons, but tend to grow out of it more quickly. Why? In general women have lower self esteem, or place more of that self esteem on social values and relationships and their ability to get into a relationship and their ability to sustain them. This esteem thing goes double when starting out in adult life. If they're unlucky with the first few guys they fall for, they equate bastard with love*.
The other aspect is what is attractive to women about good men is also found to some degree in the bastard. Well its good enough of a facade to fool you. Good men are confident, in control of themselves, interesting and emotionally exciting, attractive to other women, liked by other men and have boundaries. Bastards more than "nice" guys look like they have the above. Very easy to confuse the two, especially if you've not met the "real deal". That real deal is not that common either, especially when you're young and starting out, so again its easy to get confused and be attracted to the fake.
The good news is that most women grow out of this. There are a load of women at 20 who dig the bad boy, there are precious few of the same women at 35 who do and those that do are the ones who've never been single for any length of time.
Why? Mostly through experience and finding more confidence in themselves. I would say to speed up the process, you need to take time out. You need to be single, on your own for a while. I know that's a prospect that deep down really doesnt appeal at the moment, but it will stand to you long term. If you feel you have self esteem issues beyond this one to the degree where it limits your life choices then a bit of counseling wouldnt hurt. Start to build a better you and you're internal template will change. It can't not change.
*similar can happen with young men. If their first few women reject them that sets up the notion of rejection in them
Best answer you'll get I'd imagine OP. Wibbs seems to knwo their stuff. Best of luck in furture by the way
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Again thank you all for your advice, it really has been helpful and has led me to make some decisions. A special thanks to those of you who shared your similar experiences, it's good to know that this pattern can change.
I've realised that whatever my issues are, are not just affecting this part of my life, they affect everything and I am not willing to waste one more day being like this. I'm going to take time out and focus on myself, however long that make take. I'm scared at this too as I'm not sure what I'll discover and indeed if I'll like what I discover but I feel it has to be done. I'm going to go for some self-esteem counselling as well, this is something that needs to be worked on right away. I have a good career and good friends and family and a good life in general to be honest and I want to be able to appreciate it. Somebody, think it might have been Wibbs, said that women are judged in society by their ability to get and keep a boyfriend. I really do agree with this and really have felt this pressure but no more. Enough. Yes the thought of not being with someone is scary but I need to focus on me or nothing else will fall into place....
I feel more hopeful today and look forward to the future, whatever that may bring.
Thank you all for your advice and kindness 0 -
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