I just don't get what I'm doing wrong.

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm a 29 year old guy. Over the last year, I've been doing what I can to try and get myself back in the game with the opposite sex. I was in a relationship before that for a year, but myself and the girl weren't compatible at all, so I ended it. Since I've been trying to get back in the game, I've found that I am failing miserabely. And I really just don't get where I'm going wrong. Everything I've tried, has ended up in failure. Not spectacular failure. But failure none the less.

My friends have been great for the most part. One of my best friends has been encouraging me as much as he can, but I fear my confidence has taken one blow too many and I may be at the point of giving up completely. Now, I've had a few relationships. Two marginally successful ones. Some not so much. But they're spaced very far apart. I've lost my hair, and do my best to keep fit. But I've always had a small, kinda dumpy frame, so I'm never skinny nor ripped. No matter what I try. Like most people, I am image self-consious, but I wouldn't say I'm too down on myself. I battled with weight as a kid, and after work, I've managed to keep myself relatively healthy. I've what I'd consider a pretty good personality. I try to teach others with respect. I'm friendly, and apparently a funny, smart guy. I try my best not to be shy, although I am a bit when it comes to breaking the ice.

I just don't get any interest from any women. To the point where I think I may have done something in a previous life that's resulted in me being a universal repellant to women! Obviously, that's not completely true, or else I'd still be a virigin with no relationship experience at all! But I really cant understand where I'm going wrong. Part of me thinks it's how I look. I'm no painting. I've never been the stand-out, being one of my best friend's DUFF while he got all the attention. Mind you, he did have a girl break up with him for me, (I know, bad move, but we were younger and sillier), so personality counts for something, I guess. But I honestly don't get where my problem lies.

I've even tried the internet-dating route. That was just one embarassing failure after another. In a year and a bit of trying it, I've gotten one or two replies, but mostly ignored. I've studied what I should lead with. Made sure I've been funny, individual to the person and curious without being pushy. And yet, nothing. I really don't get it. I've seen other people mention on boards that they've had success, and that just makes me feel worse about myself.

And so at this stage, I just feel a bit lonely, unattractive, and destined to be alone. I enjoy my own company, I really do. I can be confident in my group of friends. But when it comes to women, my confidence is just shot. I'm also currently trying to start my own business, so my weekday evenings tend to be too busy for clubs and what not. Pubs seem to be a dead end as the women I meet seem to be very wary of guys approaching them. Which doesn't make things any easier. I will keep persevering. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but that may just be what I'm feeling right now. I'll keep doing my best, despite little more than marginal interest and then ignorance. But am I destined to be alone?

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

My first thought when i read your post is that maybe you are trying to hard?? Maybe coming across as too intense? Instead of regarding each girl you meet as a potential girlfriend maybe you need to first become comfortable with being single, and then you will give off a totally different air, and girls will be more willing to stay and chat and have a laugh if they think you're just being friendly rather than looking for more. Then as they get to know you better things may develop if they're meant to be.

You don't come across as having a lot of confidence about your looks, speaking as a girl mens looks are certainly not the be all and end all. You mentioned a guy friend encouraging you but have you any female friends who could suggest what they think is the problem? We understand other women a bit better so might be able to give you a better insight. Maybe a female friend could give you a boost by reassuring you about your looks.

You mentioned you've had previous relationships in the past so I don't think you are destined to be alone! Its just a matter of finding the right girl in time Chin up and good luck.

UglyOrWhat

UglyOrWhat wrote: »

I've been doing what I can to try and get myself back in the game with the opposite sex.

I've always had a small, kinda dumpy frame, so I'm never skinny nor ripped. I am image self-consious

I've studied what I should lead with.

I edited your post down to the lines that stood out for me and before I write I would ask you to read what I posted to another user here because I am about to say pretty much the same to you:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showp...5&postcount=11

The advice I am going to give is STOP trying so hard. There is no “formula” you follow with people. You say “I've studied what I should lead with. Made sure I've been funny,“ as if this is like baking a cake and there is one correct recipe and formula to follow. There is not and never will be.

Instead, like I said to the user in that link, forget about women entirely and just live for finding yourself, what you love to do and be and engage in that.

If you start “studying” how to “be” with women then that IS who you will be. You will be the person who tries to get women and that is all that will define your character. If you sit with a girl to talk to her, how do you turn THAT into something interesting to talk to her about? You can not. You will bore the pants off her, or in this case bore them right on to her so they wont come off (sic).

Go out and do what you love, and do what you love as often as you can and with as many people as you can. The “women” thing will sort itself out. Put a boring but stunning “looker” up against a “plain” guy who is loving his life, can talk about his life interestingly and with passion, and clearly has a taste for living… and the latter will “get the girl” every time.

Looks are nothing to do with it. I am even plainer, dumpier, wimpier and more than what you describe here and I’m happily living with 2 girls and we have a daughter on the way. What was my secret to pull them? Nothing. I was just heavily involved in stuff I loved doing and I met them in the process and it evolved from there naturally.

And dont be down on the shyness. I am the shyest person I know. Many girls LIKE it ya know [/COLOR]

LegacyUser

Hey guys, thank you for the insightful replies. They really have given me something to think about.

I guess at times, I tend to over-think things a bit. One of my exes told me matter-of-factly that 'the first time she met me, she didn't think I was attractive.' Add that to the lack of ability to even score an internet date, and I think I start to get a bit paranoid about things. I'd love to just be able to dismiss things and get on with my life. A lot of the time I do. It's just some times I see a great deal of my friends in relationships and I feel a pang of jealousy, and panic since I don't have the same. Silly, I know, but your mind can run away with you sometimes.

TaxAHcruel, you make some very good points (although the link is broken, unfortunately), and I definately will take them on board. I know I just need to relax and get on with my life, and I will try to make that my priority. And not make everything about the opposite sex.

Once again, thank you for replying. I feel better already!

You are right, a lot of people are not attractive to women on first sight. This is natural.

Us guys think differently. If you show a photo of a girl to a guy he will likely judge right away if she is “hot” or not. Very often that opinion will not change. Go into a chat room and watch guys asking girls all the time for a photo. It is the first thing I want.

However go into a chat room and offer photos of you to girls, most of them wont have that much interest. Photos do not tell them what they want to know about your attractiveness and this “first look” is not that important.

It is down to how you carry yourself, how you hold yourself, and how you bring yourself across. If you get a measure of “lust for life” across in your character your attractiveness will become x1000. The problem is you can not fake it, you actually HAVE to be enjoying YOUR life and the rest comes across naturally.

So get out there and live it, do not worry about women… it will come naturally and normally when you least expect it and it is the furthest thing from your mind at the time.

LegacyUser

a lot of what taxahcruel says is true, most of us aren't really blessed with amazing looks! but that doesn't mean that we don't find each other attractive. confidence is what is most attractive to a lot of people, and i don't mean being cocky or having an inflated ego about yourself, it's simply about being sure about yourself and engaging whoever you're attracted to.

you've had relationships in the past so you know you're not ugly and you definitely appeal to women.

but it's possible now trying to get back into the game that you just need a confidence boost in order to appeal more to the ladies

i know it might sound ridiculous to you, but go to a bookshop and pick up a couple of titles about communicating with others from the self help section. it might surprise you what you'll learn about how to interact with people naturally and what mistakes you've been making all this time. to some of us it doesn't come easily as we're shy, but it is possible to learn from people who've observed charismatic people or who are great communicators themselves. i've learned a lot this way about how conversation flows and how not to turn people off instatly! you might find it helps you to communicate properly and helps people to open up to you (and not just the ladies, but it can be handy!).