how to get closure when the other person refuses to meet up?!

LegacyUser

myself and my boyfriend broke up a month ago, he wanted "a break" so i left him alone. i contacted him the other day asking if its over or whats going on - to which he replied i'm a psycho for asking and if i hadn't have asked, he was going to get in touch next week to see if we could work things out....

after his behaviour, i really dont want to get back together, i do however, want to meet up for some closure - which clearly isn't going to happen, so how do you get closure without "closing it?" i know people will say "just move on, leave it be, he's not worth it, etc," but i'm SO angry with the way he's treated me and really want him to say it all to my face, like a grown adult (he's 32, i'm 28) and so that i can have my say too, surely i'm entitled to that?!

Kiera

How long were you going out? If it was me i'd leave him be. You know he's not worth it. He sounds like a total idiot.

cheesey1

bloodboiling wrote: »

myself and my boyfriend broke up a month ago, he wanted "a break" so i left him alone. i contacted him the other day asking if its over or whats going on - to which he replied i'm a psycho for asking and if i hadn't have asked, he was going to get in touch next week to see if we could work things out....

If he was going to get in contact with a week what different did it make that you had contacted him - sounds like you deserve a lot better. Unfortunately don't think you will get the closure you want, so dust yourself off and get back out there and enjoy yourself and he's not worth it.

Ickle Magoo

Is someone asking for a break and calling you a psycho when you try to find out if your relationship is still on hold not closure enough? He sounds really horrible, be glad you got an out and move on.

Best of luck

LeahK

Ahhhh people and their "breaks", I have been the unfortunate reciever of that one this year too.

I find his argument hilarious, that if you had left him for another week, he would know for definate that he wanted to work things out? if he was so sure, what was wrong with doing it there and then?

TBH I wouldnt take someone your supposed to love calling you a psycho. Total lack of respect IMO and totally uneccessary. Unless you rang him like a mad woman ranting down the phone

Keep your distance and let him contact you. Under no circumstances should you go running to meet him after him talking to you like that without an apology. I understand your frustrated and hes making you out to be the baddy but you must be strong! Sounds like an 12 year old not a 32 year old!

MistyCheese

"Having your say" can be very much overrated. Sometimes all it entails is him yelling insults at you and then storming off. And if anyone is likely to do this, your ex sounds like a prime candidate.

The whole "you're a psycho, if you'd left it for a fifth week then I would have contacted you!" thing sounds like a way for him to try to put the blame for the break-up onto you.

Miss Fluff

bloodboiling wrote: »

myself and my boyfriend broke up a month ago, he wanted "a break" so i left him alone. i contacted him the other day asking if its over or whats going on - to which he replied i'm a psycho for asking and if i hadn't have asked, he was going to get in touch next week to see if we could work things out....

That actually makes him a psycho. Name-calling on his part is closure enough, there is honestly no point in meeting him as it will only prolong the agony. Why put yourself through it? It's time to rip off the plaster once and for all, any contact from hereonin is slowly peeling it away and it's not good for you. You deserve better.

LighterGuy

Basically here is a translation of what really went down:


- "boyfriend asked for a break"
He was breaking up with you. Just didnt want to come out and say its over.

- "....i contacted him the other day asking if its over or whats going on - to which he replied i'm a psycho for asking and if i hadn't have asked, he was going to get in touch next week to see if we could work things out...."
Can anyone say "smoke screen?" ... he pretends to flip off the handle just to tell you to get lost. Also using the "if you didnt" line. Bs Bs Bs. He again, just didnt want to say its over. But this time used something to act upset over.



Op, im sorry. You've been dating a di*khead. This relationship has been over for a month. But in reality, I reckon its been over (on his side) for longer than that.

As for closure you dont need any. In fact, with alot of bad ending relationships. You should never ask for any. What that guy did is a classic example of not wanting to be the bad guy ... rather than coming out and breaking up he would lie and say "break" then flip over something.
Op, you would never get any closure from a person like that. And if you thought you were getting some... it would be "all your fault" from such a person.

Redpunto

You could "write" a letter venting all your emotions but just not send it. Might help get some of the feelings out of your system. Trying to meet up with him will not meet your expectations. What do you expect his response to be, "I'm sorry, i acted like an idiot". If your expressing your negative feelings to him hes going to be on the defensive and you're not going to get the response you want and chances are you'll feel sh*tier after. Try and keep telling yourself you're better off without

kiwi123

Have been in that position myself and when someone you've been going out with so long can disrespect you for so much it makes you insane. After a while though i realised that the very fact he wouldn't meet up was closure enough and i REFUSED to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he could still have such an effect on me and that he could have such an effect on my emotions. Rather, i went on nights out as usual with a smile on my face, looking like i had the time of my life and was nice and civil when he drunkenly approached me one night saying he really didn't expect i'd handle it so well and that upset him. It may sound silly but for me that was the best two fingered salute i could possible have given him.

Also for me, in some ways wanting to meet up for closure was an excuse to see him cos he would always a hug me and wed end up kissing.

LegacyUser

wow, thanks for all the replies guys, i feel much better after reading them all and you're all right - total spineless cowardly d*ickhead who doesn't deserve me!

anytime i feel down or even angry at not being able to vent at him i'll have a read thru this thread and will cop on and remember exactly what he is - a nothing!

really appreciate it, thanks again!

carmel27

bloodboiling wrote: »

myself and my boyfriend broke up a month ago, he wanted "a break" so i left him alone. i contacted him the other day asking if its over or whats going on - to which he replied i'm a psycho for asking and if i hadn't have asked, he was going to get in touch next week to see if we could work things out....

after his behaviour, i really dont want to get back together, i do however, want to meet up for some closure - which clearly isn't going to happen, so how do you get closure without "closing it?" i know people will say "just move on, leave it be, he's not worth it, etc," but i'm SO angry with the way he's treated me and really want him to say it all to my face, like a grown adult (he's 32, i'm 28) and so that i can have my say too, surely i'm entitled to that?!

Hey OP
I was in a similar position a few years back. He ended it very abruptly, over the phone, after a really silly argument. I initially thought nothing of it, because the row had been so petty and ridiculous, and expected he'd be texting before long to make up. I was wrong.

Left it a few days, which I found very difficult to do, as I really was mad about this fella. I eventually text him and asked him what the story was. He ignored that. So in the next few days, I pretty much plagued him, which was such a stupid thing to do (hindsight is wonderful), but I was so upset and no amount of advice from anyone was going to make any difference. Not only was I absolutely besotted by him, but I didnt know why he had finished things, (Still dont, although have reason to believe there was somebody else on the scene, but was never 100% sure) or why he couldnt at least have done it to my face. The last day that we'd been together, everything was rosy in the garden, and thats the way I kept picturing us.

He ignored me for a long time, and then came the "you're a psycho" texts back, which, as much as I hate to admit it, I probably fully deserved, because I had nearly lost the plot (along with nearly 2 stone in the space of a few wks). I eventually just backed off (and it was so hard) and low and behold, a few days later, I got a text apologising for the name calling. I was thrilled and asked if we could meet. He said no. He initiated a textual conversation a few more times in the coming weeks, and I always asked if he'd just meet me for an hour.
Eventually he did. We talked and it was like old times. I was delighted. We were getting on great. He couldnt, however, provide a reason for breaking it off, but I was so glad we were getting on well, so i didnt push my luck.

He knew how upset I was in general, and in the middle of our conversation, he hugged me. He then kissed me and of course this led to more, which I went along with, like a fool, thinking everything would be fine. Afterwards, he was cold and said he'd no interest in sorting things out.

I went home that night absolutely devastated. It was much worse than how Id felt all along. Id gotten no explanation and Id been stupid enough to let him use me. To this day, I wish Id never met up with him. But I did learn a valuable lesson from it all, and I went home that night in tears, but hating him instead of loving him.

OP, you may be as well off not having your say. Hes probably not worth wasting your breathe over. And I wouldnt be sure about writing to him or emailing him or even texting him to get it off your chest. If you do, you're giving him written proof that hes hurt you, and you dont know who else he could show them to or might come across them. Some people, both male and female, who walk away from a relationship as the uninjured party, might find it amusing to show their friends this sort of material.

Good luck OP. (Sorry for the long reply, but I still get so cross thinking about how I was treated and then allowed myself to be treated/used.)

washiskin

He's a gutless wonder who wants things his way - simple as that.

If he knows you need closure he'll just string it out to watch you squirm and play all wounded and stalked to all and sundry.

He'll get a fit of the sorries soon enough. Don't give him the satisfaction.

G-Money

I have to admit I'm not really sure what the point is in meeting up. If he doesn't want to be with you, do you really want to go meet up with him just so he can tell you to your face? How will that make you feel any better or make things any better?

I think sometimes people want to meet up in these situations as they think the person won't go through with it if they have to say it direct to their face. To be honest, if a girl didn't want to be with me, the last thing I'd want to do is have to talk to her face to face and let her see how it's hurting and stuff. In my mind, once I know they want to end it, I just start the process of moving on. No point dragging it out and meeting up. It just makes things worse and I don't think it's going to make things any different. You already know the outcome now, nothing will change if you go meet him and you have to face the hurt and pain of him telling you direct to your face.

Minfrit

Closure comes from within IMO, sure there are probably things you want to get off your chest/vent but given his response to your text, it's pretty clear it's over so regardless of what you would say.

Peggypeg

Sorry, never read all the replies so apologies if this is redundant.

Wow, so you get punished for asking where you stand too soon? Seriously better off outta that relationship, he's the one that sounds psycho!!! I'll tell you what I do when I can't get a situation such as yours out of my head and it's driving me nuts. I write the person who has driven my insane a very long and very detailed letter in which I basically release my fury. It's usually full of vicious drivel and stuff I would never be cruel enough to actually say out loud. Then.... I burn it. Simple as, honest to god it just makes me feel so much better. You're offloading it outta your head onto paper and then burning it. Don't know why, but it does make me feel better. Sure give it a go anyways. I'm sure once this crap is out of your head you'll realise that you've escaped from a total loser/weirdo, we can all see that from here and we don't even know him or you!!!

Best of luck,
Honest to god, you're way better off without that one.

Peg.

LegacyUser

I thought I needed to meet with the ex who broke up with me in order to get "closure". I'm not even sure what that, i.e. closure, means anymore. Much like Carmel's situation in her post earlier, going back looking for that made the situation worse. For me anyway.

With the benefit of hindsight, I know now I should have just girded my loins, grinned and bared it, etc and ...walked away.

This closure business is surely over-rated. When you've been given a blow to the solar plexus, why go back for more?

vicecreamsundae

i do think closure is important, but you cant force someone to meet up so if you really want to have your say, i would write him a long email saying everything you want to.
i agree you're better off without him!