The Hardest thing about a breakup

magicwok

Recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years(it was mutual as we where just arguing so much) and have had no contact in the last month, its so hard and i miss her so much, I have no more tears left to cry, but the hardest thing for me now is waking up on a saturday and sunday morning thinking about her in bed with another man, its makes me get sick and i just cant get my mind away from it, anyone know a good way to deal with this? its breaking my heart

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

The only way to get that image out of your head is to move on. Not just pretend to move on but actually move on, if you were over her at all this wouldn't even be an issue. You need to throw yourself into your hobbies and get back out socializing, time seems to be the thing that heals in the end but you need to fill that time with hobbies, friends and socialising. Try not to mope and sulk and think about this stuff coz it will just hold you back, when those thoughts come into your head that's the time to get busy.

You will feel better, it just takes time,
Best of luck.

shoes34

Get the book its called a breakup because its broken - its not just for women. Take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

I feel for you OP. I went through something similar a few years ago. I was planning to move country to be with a girl that I was in love with and then found out that she was seeing someone over there and neglected to tell me.

It drove me crazy. All I could think about was her being with him, I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat. I started drinking heavily. It all got so much on top of me that I nearly lost my job over it and practically broke down in tears during a meeting with my boss.

I was in bits but I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because all my friends had advised me to get rid of her ages beforehand.

So my advice is to talk about it with good friends. Not all the time obviously but just to get it out of your system. You will cry and make a fool of yourself but friends are there to allow you to do that sometimes - you can return the favour some day.

And don't start f*cking anybody you can because believe me you'll only regret it. I ended up doing some seriously stupid things in the months after my break-up (a period now only half-jokingly referred to as my 'dark time') and I wish I could take a lot of it back.

It takes a lot of time but you will get through it. When I got through the worst of it I threw myself into work/socialising/hobbies and found that I could channel some of the sadness and anger into creating things myself.

Everybody gets their heart broken at some point and, without wanting to sound too cliched, I believe I've got a more balanced and mature view of relationships having gone through what I did.

LegacyUser

Is this the one Its a Breakup, Not a Breakdown?

shoes34

Atmywitsend wrote: »

Is this the one Its a Breakup, Not a Breakdown?

the same guy wrote "He's Just not that into You" - don't normally read selfhelp books but in the middle of Its called a breakup - and we broke up in January and are still messing around, going to try my hardest to stick to this book cause at the end of the day he's getting what he wants out of it and I'm not and worse is I know it!!

newtothis2010

feel for ya Op.. went through similar beginning of last year..

terrible dark thoughts take over, but ya know what I found out? She wasn't doing half the stuff I thought she was!!!..

breakups are hard esp after 3 years.. (mine was longer).. it took me a long time to come to terms with it, few books helped me:

How to survive the loss of a love... simple and effective to the point explanation of the loss process, be it breakups, losing your keys or a death.

The other is, Paul mcKennas change your life in 7 days... my god what a a difference it made to me, the hypnosis cd with it worked wonders, was 4 months after breakup and I listened to it one night, woke up the next day at peace with the world.. and have never looked back..

Also helped to write a lot, be it a letter that I posted into the fire, or a journal, that I kept and reread to see how I was doing..

talking to friends and family, it DOES help.. I picked one friend, told her she would have to listen to me til she was sick of it, but she did, and my god but we became better friends for it and I could talk to her anytime, her number went in under ex's name (until I forgot ex's number) and she used to get great joys in the drunken texts I would send...

there are many platitudes we can say to you, 'time heals' 'move on' 'forget bout her'... but its not easy.. you will take the time you need, be that 30 days or 3 years.. its good you are not in contact, you don't need nor can you handle any info regarding her right now.

and after 3 years, its possible she is experiencing similar...

just immerse yourself in your work, your hobbies, other people, pick up the phone to those friends who have disappeared over the 3 years, get out and do the things you always wanted to... spend time with family (no matter how much they might wreck your head)

the hardest times are night, morning and weekends.. but you know what.. mornings, get up and get out, doesn't matter where, 7 days a week, be it work, the shops, a walk, the park, the zoo, get up and get out, do not lie in bed... you need to give your mind other stimuli to stop thinking bout her..

night time, exercise in the evening til you're dead tired... it does work..

weekends.. plan plan plan.. plan them on a monday so you have stuff to look forward to, your mates will understand!

other things.. Do not go into facebook /other social site profiles of her or her friends, you do not need to see what is being posted, as they will only post good things btw and you can't handle that right now...

Do not go near where she lives/work if you can avoid it...

Be careful if frequenting social locations she uses, you need to be sure you can handle seeing her out enjoying herself, flirting etc...

I had a great time exploring new places, new faces and new towns, nothing like waking up on a saturday and thinking.. hmmmm... west coast today and heading off in the car for a weekend on my own...

the peace will come.. it just takes how ever long it takes for you... but you'll get there, believe us you will!!!

and then..... life begins again...

remember, for every beginning there is an end..

best of luck friend..

LegacyUser

shoes34 wrote: »

the same guy wrote "He's Just not that into You" - don't normally read selfhelp books but in the middle of Its called a breakup - and we broke up in January and are still messing around, going to try my hardest to stick to this book cause at the end of the day he's getting what he wants out of it and I'm not and worse is I know it!!

I hear you xxxx

LegacyUser

newtothis2010 wrote: »

feel for ya Op.. went through similar beginning of last year..

terrible dark thoughts take over, but ya know what I found out? She wasn't doing half the stuff I thought she was!!!..

breakups are hard esp after 3 years.. (mine was longer).. it took me a long time to come to terms with it, few books helped me:

How to survive the loss of a love... simple and effective to the point explanation of the loss process, be it breakups, losing your keys or a death.

The other is, Paul mcKennas change your life in 7 days... my god what a a difference it made to me, the hypnosis cd with it worked wonders, was 4 months after breakup and I listened to it one night, woke up the next day at peace with the world.. and have never looked back..

Also helped to write a lot, be it a letter that I posted into the fire, or a journal, that I kept and reread to see how I was doing..

talking to friends and family, it DOES help.. I picked one friend, told her she would have to listen to me til she was sick of it, but she did, and my god but we became better friends for it and I could talk to her anytime, her number went in under ex's name (until I forgot ex's number) and she used to get great joys in the drunken texts I would send...

there are many platitudes we can say to you, 'time heals' 'move on' 'forget bout her'... but its not easy.. you will take the time you need, be that 30 days or 3 years.. its good you are not in contact, you don't need nor can you handle any info regarding her right now.

and after 3 years, its possible she is experiencing similar...

just immerse yourself in your work, your hobbies, other people, pick up the phone to those friends who have disappeared over the 3 years, get out and do the things you always wanted to... spend time with family (no matter how much they might wreck your head)

the hardest times are night, morning and weekends.. but you know what.. mornings, get up and get out, doesn't matter where, 7 days a week, be it work, the shops, a walk, the park, the zoo, get up and get out, do not lie in bed... you need to give your mind other stimuli to stop thinking bout her..

night time, exercise in the evening til you're dead tired... it does work..

weekends.. plan plan plan.. plan them on a monday so you have stuff to look forward to, your mates will understand!

other things.. Do not go into facebook /other social site profiles of her or her friends, you do not need to see what is being posted, as they will only post good things btw and you can't handle that right now...

Do not go near where she lives/work if you can avoid it...

Be careful if frequenting social locations she uses, you need to be sure you can handle seeing her out enjoying herself, flirting etc...

I had a great time exploring new places, new faces and new towns, nothing like waking up on a saturday and thinking.. hmmmm... west coast today and heading off in the car for a weekend on my own...

the peace will come.. it just takes how ever long it takes for you... but you'll get there, believe us you will!!!

and then..... life begins again...

remember, for every beginning there is an end..

best of luck friend..

this nearly made me cry Breakups suck, I think i'd throw up if a fella tried to approach me now.

shoes34

newtothis2010 - I am definately going to take your advice on board, think it might be better than any book.

Aine5

I know how you feel OP.

Heartbreak is the worst feeling ever. You really do need to keep yourself busy and do all the things you like and enjoy, hopefuuly as times goes on you will find yourself thinking less and less about her and your feeling will slowly fade.

I broke up with my bf back in Oct lst year as I found out he was cheating on me. It completely broke my heart. I'm seeing a new guy since March and if I'm honest I still find myself thinking about my ex at times. I know everyone keeps saying this but it really does take time.

Take care and remember boards is a great place to find comfort.

wadk

newtothis2010 wrote: »

feel for ya Op.. went through similar beginning of last year..

terrible dark thoughts take over, but ya know what I found out? She wasn't doing half the stuff I thought she was!!!..

breakups are hard esp after 3 years.. (mine was longer).. it took me a long time to come to terms with it, few books helped me:

How to survive the loss of a love... simple and effective to the point explanation of the loss process, be it breakups, losing your keys or a death.

The other is, Paul mcKennas change your life in 7 days... my god what a a difference it made to me, the hypnosis cd with it worked wonders, was 4 months after breakup and I listened to it one night, woke up the next day at peace with the world.. and have never looked back..

Also helped to write a lot, be it a letter that I posted into the fire, or a journal, that I kept and reread to see how I was doing..

talking to friends and family, it DOES help.. I picked one friend, told her she would have to listen to me til she was sick of it, but she did, and my god but we became better friends for it and I could talk to her anytime, her number went in under ex's name (until I forgot ex's number) and she used to get great joys in the drunken texts I would send...

there are many platitudes we can say to you, 'time heals' 'move on' 'forget bout her'... but its not easy.. you will take the time you need, be that 30 days or 3 years.. its good you are not in contact, you don't need nor can you handle any info regarding her right now.

and after 3 years, its possible she is experiencing similar...

just immerse yourself in your work, your hobbies, other people, pick up the phone to those friends who have disappeared over the 3 years, get out and do the things you always wanted to... spend time with family (no matter how much they might wreck your head)

the hardest times are night, morning and weekends.. but you know what.. mornings, get up and get out, doesn't matter where, 7 days a week, be it work, the shops, a walk, the park, the zoo, get up and get out, do not lie in bed... you need to give your mind other stimuli to stop thinking bout her..

night time, exercise in the evening til you're dead tired... it does work..

weekends.. plan plan plan.. plan them on a monday so you have stuff to look forward to, your mates will understand!

other things.. Do not go into facebook /other social site profiles of her or her friends, you do not need to see what is being posted, as they will only post good things btw and you can't handle that right now...

Do not go near where she lives/work if you can avoid it...

Be careful if frequenting social locations she uses, you need to be sure you can handle seeing her out enjoying herself, flirting etc...

I had a great time exploring new places, new faces and new towns, nothing like waking up on a saturday and thinking.. hmmmm... west coast today and heading off in the car for a weekend on my own...

the peace will come.. it just takes how ever long it takes for you... but you'll get there, believe us you will!!!

and then..... life begins again...

remember, for every beginning there is an end..

best of luck friend..

Here here!,nothing but the truth,well put and great advice for the op.

Dowdy20

newtothis2010 wrote: »

feel for ya Op.. went through similar beginning of last year..

terrible dark thoughts take over, but ya know what I found out? She wasn't doing half the stuff I thought she was!!!..

breakups are hard esp after 3 years.. (mine was longer).. it took me a long time to come to terms with it, few books helped me:

How to survive the loss of a love... simple and effective to the point explanation of the loss process, be it breakups, losing your keys or a death.

The other is, Paul mcKennas change your life in 7 days... my god what a a difference it made to me, the hypnosis cd with it worked wonders, was 4 months after breakup and I listened to it one night, woke up the next day at peace with the world.. and have never looked back..

Also helped to write a lot, be it a letter that I posted into the fire, or a journal, that I kept and reread to see how I was doing..

talking to friends and family, it DOES help.. I picked one friend, told her she would have to listen to me til she was sick of it, but she did, and my god but we became better friends for it and I could talk to her anytime, her number went in under ex's name (until I forgot ex's number) and she used to get great joys in the drunken texts I would send...

there are many platitudes we can say to you, 'time heals' 'move on' 'forget bout her'... but its not easy.. you will take the time you need, be that 30 days or 3 years.. its good you are not in contact, you don't need nor can you handle any info regarding her right now.

and after 3 years, its possible she is experiencing similar...

just immerse yourself in your work, your hobbies, other people, pick up the phone to those friends who have disappeared over the 3 years, get out and do the things you always wanted to... spend time with family (no matter how much they might wreck your head)

the hardest times are night, morning and weekends.. but you know what.. mornings, get up and get out, doesn't matter where, 7 days a week, be it work, the shops, a walk, the park, the zoo, get up and get out, do not lie in bed... you need to give your mind other stimuli to stop thinking bout her..

night time, exercise in the evening til you're dead tired... it does work..

weekends.. plan plan plan.. plan them on a monday so you have stuff to look forward to, your mates will understand!

other things.. Do not go into facebook /other social site profiles of her or her friends, you do not need to see what is being posted, as they will only post good things btw and you can't handle that right now...

Do not go near where she lives/work if you can avoid it...

Be careful if frequenting social locations she uses, you need to be sure you can handle seeing her out enjoying herself, flirting etc...

I had a great time exploring new places, new faces and new towns, nothing like waking up on a saturday and thinking.. hmmmm... west coast today and heading off in the car for a weekend on my own...

the peace will come.. it just takes how ever long it takes for you... but you'll get there, believe us you will!!!

and then..... life begins again...

remember, for every beginning there is an end..

best of luck friend..

thats the best advice anyone can give. i'm going through a break-up at the moment too....year and a half with her. and was struggling but having read that i already feel better.

might read it a few more times and really take it in.

thanks.

newtothis2010

folks.. thanks for appreciating my opinion...

It took me a long time to realise all of that was true, I got sick of people telling me it would be better, I spent a fortune on 'ex back' books and such like, they all say the same, go live your life for you, become the person ex fell in love with and then go seek a chance, but I turned it around eventually, and sought out another chance to find the right (different) person and I am there now... am having trouble trying to understand what to do and when but its FUN...

a few other pointers...

you will feel like the ex is the only person to make you happy... they're not.. they just complemented the happiness you had in you, thats what you need to find again now, how to be happy with you first and foremost...

you have to learn to respect yourself again...

you have to learn what makes you tick as an individual, rather than remember how you acted in a couple....

an important lesson is also, WHY did the relationship go wrong.. to the OP, you say you had an amicable breakup because you argued a lot.
Well, you need to understand what those arguments were REALLY about and WHY you argued about them... the only way you can move forward into a relationship again is to understand this and see how you can fix it within yourself and learn the lesson...
This will come in time, you don't need to sit down and do it straight away but it certainly helps with the healing process.

There are a few other things too which are very important for moving on...

Forgiveness.... its bandied about all the time in my case I never really understood it, because I hated her for making me feel/think certain things after the breakup, I hated the way she acted/ignored me/strung me along when I tried to reach out... then one day and believe me this was maybe 6-8 months after the fact, I was out walking and I realised I didn't feel that anymore and then and there I silently forgave her... but also, I forgave myself, for how I acted in and out of the Relationship and also for how I judged her actions...

18 months later, I still avoid where she lives and works, why? well because I changed my routine and I don't need to go anywhere near there...

I think of her from time to time, but more in a 'I hope she's happy' kind of way, a long while ago I stopped wondering what she was doing on a saturday night, who she was with, where she was...

she cropped up recently in conversation and I had to actually ask who they were talking about!! (SUCCESS!)..

but it took many many dark months, then some lighter months, then the time between thoughts of her went from seconds to hours to days...

what else can I tell you... deal with the sadness, those moments will happen, if you feel like crying, do so, then wipe the tears and continue on, don't hold it in you, it makes things worse..

cars parked in a remote location make a great screaming chamber!! ha ha.. seriously, try it!!!

empty them out of your life, box all the stuff up, I did, ended up with 2 large chests full of her belongings, and presents she bought me and stuff I had bought with her, I locked em, and put em in the attic... before xmas I was up there and I felt it was time, took them down, emptied them.. its funny, stuff that I had cried over as I put them away had no emotional value to me, but it was great, I felt like I'd been on a shopping trip and ended up with a whole gaggle of new things for me and my house.

course, every one of HER possessions went.. clothes and shoes to goodwill, photos to the god of fire and other assorted items to the bin... they held no value to me.

Breakups absolutely 100% suck.. but you are not alone Op, there are 1000s of people everyday who go through it... no comfort, just something worth holding in the back of the head...

remember love is all about chemicals, you just need to readjust the chemicals in your head to put this chapter behind you.

And yes, in months to come you will find yourself realising that you missed her far far better than you ever loved her!!

The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference.... thats the end goal in all of this...

good luck to all, if anyone wants to PM me please do...

LegacyUser

I'm going through something similar, been crying constantly for the last week, can barely get out of bed, drinking and can't even bring myself to talk about it with friends.

Myself and my ex broke up recently in much the same manner as the OP. She has been on holiday now for the last week and left some of her stuff in my place. And being the idiot that I am, I went through the internet history on her laptop, scouring emails, facebook and things she has been looking up. Since we've broken up (1month) she's had 2 rendezvous with blokes from her homeplace and from where she used to attend college. I've felt sick ever since and don't know what to do. I've also seen weird google searches for (i'm not joking) "big penis, small balls" and traced these searches to the day after she met up with this guy, I feel sick just typing it. I can't believe she went off and had a one night stand like that and this obsession with his 'big' dick.

Help!

magicwok

Thanks alot for all your help with this, It actually is getting easier with time and i'm not thinking of her as much as i was, I suppose the main thing is to have stuff to look forward to, going on holidays with a few lads in a couple of weeks which is taking my mind of it a bit, Ive also found out she is seeing some guy so i looked him up on facebook and jesus he is one of these guys who tells everyone all about his life through his facebook page and this has also relieved the pain because i know i'm 100 times the bloke he is

LegacyUser

magicwok wrote: »

Thanks alot for all your help with this, It actually is getting easier with time and i'm not thinking of her as much as i was, I suppose the main thing is to have stuff to look forward to, going on holidays with a few lads in a couple of weeks which is taking my mind of it a bit, Ive also found out she is seeing some guy so i looked him up on facebook and jesus he is one of these guys who tells everyone all about his life through his facebook page and this has also relieved the pain because i know i'm 100 times the bloke he is

Well done man, good to hear you being so positive. You're giving me hope!