I can't do this any more

Ginja Ninja

I need some opinons on what to do.

My father is slowly killing me with the way he treats me.I'm an 18 year old guy and for as long as I can remember Dad has called me an idiot on an almost daily basis with intermittent bouts of "A failure" "A disappointment" and has taken to blaming me for making his life hard because I'm "such a thick c*nt" and how I'll never accomplish anything in life.

As far as I can see this is totally unjustified,I work hard around the farm[about 10/11 hours a day] when I'm at home,I did pretty well in my leaving cert and Just finished first year in college,I failed some classes and have to repeat them[he had a field day when I told him my results].I don't drink much/often as both my parents are really against and my brother was an alchoholic before he died,so I know it would bother them.I don't smoke.I make all my plans around the work for the farm and I do what I'm told most of the time[and give a good reason when I don't].

the hardest part of it all is, I really don't want to confront him about it[I don't have confrontation issues with other people] but My brothers have commited suicide over a few years and now it's just myself and my sister[who's much older and has her own family in dublin].So the last thing I want to do is have my parents left with no one.I will admit that I blame him somewhat for my brothers deaths,he treated them exatly the same way,useless-waste of space etc. nothing was ever good enough.
He's treating exactly the same and as much as I hate to say it,I can sort of see where they were coming from[I'm not thinking of suicide,but I can rationalise theirs].

I'm sorry that's so long and block-ish but my heads a bit messed up right now and I just need to know if I'm being soft[as he says] this can''t be normal,right? I'm not just making this up.Life isn't meant to be so much like a bad tv drama,is it?

Penn

I know you said you didn't want to move out of home because you'd be leaving your folks with no one as you're the only one still there (sorry to hear about your brothers), but at the end of the day, you'd be moving out eventually. I'm the youngest of my family and I've just moved out of home. I also felt a bit bad about leaving my parents by themselves, but you have to do what is best for you first and foremost. You're being treated horribly, so why keep enabling him?

You've made sacrifices to help with the farm, and I can understand that. But if he's going to keep complaining about it and not show appreciation, then why bother? You have to take care of yourself. Is there any way you can move out. Or even if you could stick it for another few months and then move up to college

Either way, good luck

Ginja Ninja

sunflower27 wrote: »

Is there any way you can move out of home? This 'father' has been eroding your self worth for so long now it's not surprising you would question if you are soft - you're not.

S
Well yes and no,the only way I could move out is to drop out of college and get a job[very unlikely in this area] especially with no transport and no previous experience].But I want more than anything to have a decent career and make something of myself,which I can't do without their financial backing for college.

in my mind the decision comes down to :Get out now and ruin my possibilities for a good long time or put up with a horrible existance for as long as I can to get ahead in life, a catch 22

Emme

Ginja Ninja wrote: »

S
Well yes and no,the only way I could move out is to drop out of college and get a job[very unlikely in this area] especially with no transport and no previous experience].But I want more than anything to have a decent career and make something of myself,which I can't do without their financial backing for college.

in my mind the decision comes down to :Get out now and ruin my possibilities for a good long time or put up with a horrible existance for as long as I can to get ahead in life, a catch 22

Is there a student counselling service in college? The abuse from your family will continue as long as you stay there and it will probably get worse. I would hazard a guess that they won't want you to leave home when you qualify and might use underhand methods and guilt trips to make you stay - who's going to take over the farm when I die, you won't get as good a deal anywhere else blah blah blah. You will have to be very strong if you want to be in control of your life.

It takes a very strong person to survive the abuse you're getting and you've done great so far - are you strong enough to stick it until you get your degree? If you don't make some sort of stand you'll still be there in your 40s getting the same cr*p. The thing about your kind of family environment is that you don't realise how toxic it is until you spend time in a more supportive family environment.

Kidchameleon

OP,

Don't end up 40 years old and still like this. This man is a bully, the best way to deal with this bully is to STAND UP TO HIM. Don't take anymore crap, tell him how you feel. Don't be dominated any more. You know deep down this is unacceptable so why put up with it anymore?

Good Luck

doubtfir3

I can only hope that some of my experience in life can be of a little use to you OP.

I argued with my dad (also a huge bully) pretty much constantly from the age of 13 or so. I was the only one who would stand up to him and saw him for what he was.

When I was 17 I left home, not knowing what rent was, "how" to do shopping, laundry, etc etc etc. At the time, were it not for a friend of mine I don't know what I could have done. Now, 13 years later, I know that I would have been entitled to a lot of assistance from health boards etc but at the time not a clue.

I went to college and tried to work and keep down a college place but it just didn't work. So after that I worked in for poor wages, but learned and learned, and got myself into a position where I knew a lot of contacts and was able to create websites.

So I went back to college in 2001 and was a "rich student".. I had a business, and worked in college (in a different course as it happens), and also had money for rent, food, going out etc. I graduated in 2005 and even though I sorted things out with my parents I never once asked for money from my dad.

My college experience and degree was my achievement and I know that it broke my dad in two that I did it all on my own.

My advice to you - try to get a job (elsewhere if you need to, perhaps your sister can help put you up for a few weeks while you decide what/where you want to go). Work for a few years in an industry that is in some what related to your college course, and then try to go back after a few years as a mature student.

With luck you should be able to rejoin the course you are in now and you will as far as I know be entitled to BTEA (back to education allowance). If you decide that the course is no longer for you you can try something else (you won't get BTEA for first year I think) and move on with your life.

Don't worry about your dad - you can't change him.. just move on with your life.

Indubitable

I lived one the farm like you and my dad did the same kind of thing. I don't think it was to the same extreme as you though. Every few days or so he would say I was good for nothing. etc. Then one day he just stopped. I don't know what the purpose behind it was. He always asks for my opinion (and values it highly) and praises me. It is strange

tenchi-fan

My dad's similar. I made the mistake of staying at home until I was 24 -partly bullied into it too.

I think aged 18 was when it really started going downhill because I wasn't just a child he was treating like sh-t, I was an adult.. at some stage I just stopped trying for little victories.. like my own personal space... and he walked all over me.

Last year he started a row with me the day before I moved house and started a new job and I didn't think i'd be able to get through it. A month later, the half-assed apology came. Then a few months after that I just moved into a new house, he called around and started on me again. Followed by another half-assed apology a month later.

Now, I keep him at such a distance he literally isn't able to cause any more damage. I have too many regrets already without inviting more. Plus, I'm not stupid... I'm learning from my mistakes and trying to move on.

I don't know what to advise you really. If you get a grant and a few part-time hours there is no reason you can't leave home.

Handsome Bob

Jesus GN that's horrific. I have experienced what you have the odd time, mainly when my dad would be out of his head on drink. Personally, I think bitter old men relay their own anger over how their life worked out onto their children. They compare how they grew up to how their sons grew up, and inevitably come to the conclusion that their sons had it easy and are freeloading their way through life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have to do what you need to do to prove this wanker wrong (I'm sorry to call your dad that but that's what he is). If you enjoy uni then stay there, and give it your all to do well. Use the anger as motivation to make sure you do well. Do whatever you feel you need to do to prove him wrong.

daithimac

OP your dad sounds like a horrible little prik.

your situation reminds me of a play that i cant remember the name of where an old cripple has a young lad living with him who he treats no better than an ox and constantly treats like idiot because he is afraid that he will leave and leave him isolated and stranded on his farm.

Your very lucky in one way op because you are eighteen and an adult. if you were 13 and 14 it would be horrible and there is very little about it that anyone could do.

as an adult though you are fortunate in that you are able to leave and in fact I would go so far as to say that any further abuse you tollerate is your own fault as you have the capicity to leave and protect yourself from it.

if i were you I would make it my sole purpose to be ready to move out in time for college. talk to friends about sharing, save like crazy because I don't imagine your father will give you much in way of a helping hand.

one thing you could also do is drop into your local pub and ask if they need a hand. They may not be hiring but tell them that your looking to get trained to get bar work for when you go back to college and you and would do a few nights fee in return for training and a reference.

I know that you don't particually want to but you have a choice coming up that cannot be avoided. stay at home and be daddies whipping boy or spread your wings and try to make it yourself.

PS. If you want to get an idea of how valuable your father actually thinks you are try telling him that your moving out. I mean every conversation you have make sure to bring it up. betcha he goes from sur you wont even get back to college to well good man your self while laughing to whining sur what will your mother do without you in no time and him becoming an altoghther nicer chap.

seenitall

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Now, I keep him at such a distance he literally isn't able to cause any more damage.

^^^^^This, OP. The key to stepping onto that long road toward long life, contentment and happiness. For your sake, I hope you don't delay.

Beruthiel

Ginja, so sorry about your brothers.

Ginja Ninja wrote: »

My father is slowly killing me with the way he treats me.I'm an 18 year old guy and for as long as I can remember Dad has called me an idiot on an almost daily basis with intermittent bouts of "A failure" "A disappointment" and has taken to blaming me for making his life hard because I'm "such a thick c*nt" and how I'll never accomplish anything in life.

Your father is a small minded, weak, cowardly excuse for a parent.
I've always said, you need a licence for a dog but anyone can have a child.
He does not deserve you.
He is a waste of space as a parent and human being.
I'm sorry if that upsets you.
It probably brings mixed emotions with it.
He's your parent after all and is supposed to love you and treat you right.
Well guess what, not every human being on this planet is automatically born to be a good parent.

Do not under estimate the effect of telling a child from day one that they are useless.
To mess with a small childs mind like that is criminal imo. It's child abuse and no matter how strong you think you are, that sh!t can still seap into your mind and cause you great distress.

Firs off, know this.
You are not a failure.
The fact that you have had to endure this man your whole life and have still managed to get yourself to college instead of giving up, says a lot about you as a person. You are strong.
You are not a failure, but your father surely is. He has totally failed as a parent.

So the last thing I want to do is have my parents left with no one.

Tell me, why do you feel oblidged to stay with them. Your father treats you like a piece of sh!t and your mother allowes it. What is it that makes you want to stay and help out on the farm of such a man?

I am a parent of a 22 year old. I do not expect her to help me out with how I run my life. I did not have her so she could become my slave and be at my beck and call in my old age.

Your parents are adults, you are the child, you were not brought into this world to serve them.
If he needs help on the farm let him get it else where. There are plenty of unemployed people out there.

You get on with your college education and if it is in Dublin, see if you can go live with your sister instead.

Honestly, for your own mental health, tell him to find help elsewhere as you will no longer be coming home on a regular basis.
I'd bet money that he sees you as someone with no back bone, show it to him.
Leave and start leading your life as you see fit.

tbh

getting to college with a dad like that?


respect, man. respect.

Jagera

OP, it would be interesting to explore what kind of upbringing your father had. He may have had extremely cruel parents, or he may just be suffering from issues making him feel his children are not successful.

But for now, the buck stops with him. He's passing his issues onto his own children, and the result is (let's say possibly & allegedly) what happened to your brothers, and what else may happen in the future.

You have choices: to confront him, move away and distance him, get him professional help, talk to someone yourself, and more. However something has to change, or else your life will be forever affected by this.

jessiejam

op

so sorry to hear about your awful situation. Also sincere condolences about your brothers. You sound like a strong young man, head screwed on and so much courage to remain in this awful situation.

My OH had a father a bit like that, he was treated like that by his own father etc etc.

The majority of bullies are cowards underneath, don't forget that. He probably feels so much guilt over your brothers and is probably angry with himself over his carry on. He is obviously taking out his anger on you, he probably doesn't know how to deal with all those negative emotions so you are an easy target for him.

I will say this. My OH's brothers were treated just like that, for years and years. Beatings, verbal abuse and emotional abuse. they took it for a long time. One day the father started again, one of the brothers couldn't take anymore and litterally floored the father to the extent the mother had to pull him off. Beat the living daylights out of him. Never again was a finger raised to either son. Thing is the same son had so many issues over the abuse he suffered as a child, he drank to numb the pain. Drank so much in fact in the end it killed him. Aged 38. He should have done it sooner.

I am not suggesting that you beat up your dad, but I am suggesting you try and get the courage from somewhere to stand up to him and refuse to take anymore.

I assume he wants you to take over the farm, when he goes?. Tell him to shove it.
Where is your mother in all of this, is she seeing whats going on?

jessiejam

an idiot on an almost daily basis with intermittent bouts of "A failure" "A disappointment" and has taken to blaming me for making his life hard because I'm "such a thick c*nt" and how I'll never accomplish anything in life.


By the way OP, this is your father describing himself, not you. Its either call someone else this or look at himself in the mirror and say it. Cowards always blame others for their own problems

Emme

jessiejam wrote: »

I assume he wants you to take over the farm, when he goes?. Tell him to shove it.
Where is your mother in all of this, is she seeing whats going on?

I would imagine the OP's mother is scared stiff of her husband and lets him away with everything for a quiet life. Her son (the OP) is probably her life on account of what happened his brothers. Does the OP's sister have any contact with the family at all? If she's amenable to helping him maybe he could move to Dublin to go to college there.

If this isn't an option then the OP can do any of the following:

1) Stay at home, continue in college, take the abuse. A very tough option and may not work - the OP would have to be exceptionally strong to do this but he has shown that he's strong already.

2) Get out of home, get a job, find some other way of getting an education. If the OP is strong enough to take the pressure at home he should be able to do this.

3) Stay at home and crack up under the pressure leading to a tragic situation like John B Keane's The Field.

Sorry to put it in such blunt terms but that's pretty much how it is.

Novella

GN, you do not deserve to be treated like this at all. You're not being 'soft', not one little bit. I've said it before, you're one of the strongest people I know. If there is absolutely anything I can do to help you, don't be afraid to give me a shout, seriously. You've been there for me, let me be there for you too. If you need to get out of there to sort your head out, even for a few days, I could always help you out if you needed a place to stay.

Stay strong, you're doing so well. Not too long until you can get back to college. Hang on in there.

Ginja Ninja

There's a few too many to quote but:

What started this was I moved out to go to college[I made a point of getting out on my own from about when I was ~15] and not to over romanticise this but I was happy for the first time.I know that's sounds like a cheezy romcom but it's true,I didn't know how amazing things could be[little things like being able to have what I liked for dinner,it's always his choice at home and seeing friends] when I came home for the summer,it opened my eyes to just how bad things are,I sort of assumed it was the done thing to your kids.

as for his childhood; his father died when he was 3 and he left school when he was 12 [this was in the 50's btw] and has worked since in the area/on the farm.My grandmother lived with us until she died about 12 years ago and from what I remember was a lovely lady,practically raising my older siblings[mam worked on the farm,dad went to work].I can't help but feel pity for him,he has had a hard life and 3 sons lost to suicide can't have been part of the plan.I guess I don't want to make it any harder.He makes a point of letting me know it was hard when he grew up and let's me know "I've never known real hardship" quite a lot

@beruthiel:The reason I feel obliged is that for all the crap i live with and has happened,he's given me a lot.I never was too short of money for college,he's paying for my fees.And although he's a crappy parent,he's still my father and that matters for something to me,even if he doesn't feel the same.

My mother was never a strong willed person[she moved from home to live with him] and from what I've heard didn't mix with the locals for quite a while after she came down.Honestly,she's the majority of the reason I stay quiet.She honestly means the world to me and I know she can't take any more in life,she's a broken woman.

@Emme;you're being practical,the way i see this is:
1) suck it up and run the risk of snapping one day and doing something to him that I'd hate myself for,but having the chance at a better life than my folks and a chance to have a career that serves as a giant F*CK YOU to him.

2)Maybe I'm naive about this,but moving out of home won't be cheap;I have ~€5,000 in the world,no experience,no transport and very slim odds of getting a job with the country the way it is[in fairness who am I compared to graduates who can't get a job] I can work,I can live of almost nothing[I would only get money if I came home every weekend in college,if I didn't it was up to me to survive] but I don't think I can live with ruining what little my parents have left,both are in their 60's.

3)This is why I need to change something,I refuse to let this get to me[I always have] I know that if and when I lose it,I'll do soemthing terrible before I can stop myself.

washiskin

Sorry OP but he sounds like a blinkered fool who blames the world for all his woes while having more than a pretty big hand in causing them himself. I would have thought he'd tresure his two remaining children but clearly he's a selfish bully.
The best way to shut him up is to succed at all costs - I know there are logistical problems but grab your courage in both hands and go for it.

My old man had a huge chip on his shoulder too and took it out on two of us and my mother until one day we had enough and I landed him on his ass with a tasty left hook. I wouldn't condone it but it felt good seeing the look of "oh **** they're not afraid of me anymore" on his face.

For the love of god find a caring soul to vent to - he's not worth letting him ruin your life and the lives of those who love you.

Beruthiel

Ginja Ninja wrote: »

I didn't know how amazing things could be little things like being able to have what I liked for dinner

That's how life should be GN.

as for his childhood; his father died when he was 3 and he left school when he was 12 [this was in the 50's btw] and has worked since in the area/on the farm.

Much like my own father. He became the head of the household at a young age, left school at 13 and worked to keep the family together.
We were never rich as children, he scraped enough to put food on the table but that was about it. Yet he turned out to be the most wonderful man you could ever hope to have as a father. He had flaws no doubt, but on the whole a good man. You can only go so far when blaming a childhood.

I can't help but feel pity for him,he has had a hard life and 3 sons lost to suicide can't have been part of the plan.I guess I don't want to make it any harder.He makes a point of letting me know it was hard when he grew up and let's me know "I've never known real hardship" quite a lot

And how does any of that give him the right to treat you like he does?
I am also well aware of how life was for my parents. It was dead tough. It made them what they are, tough people with an inner strength you can only look at with awe.

I cannot even begin to comprehend what it would be like to loose three sons in the manner he did. It would kill you inside.
But shouldn't such a thing make you want to keep the one you still have close to you and treated well?
He would need to talk to a professional, but of course a man from his era would never take that road.

The reason I feel obliged is that for all the crap i live with and has happened,he's given me a lot.I never was too short of money for college, he's paying for my fees.And although he's a crappy parent,he's still my father and that matters for something to me,even if he doesn't feel the same.

You are a better son than he deserves.
Would there be any point in you just telling him that his constant negative comments are killing you inside and you want him to stop it?
Just come right out and say it and leave him to think on it.

She honestly means the world to me and I know she can't take any more in life, she's a broken woman.

Totally understandable. At the very least though, you could approach her and ask her to have a word with your Da.

I don't think I can live with ruining what little my parents have left,both are in their 60's.

Mine are both in their 70's and are still able to manage. My father sold his little business and they live a frugle life with the bit of money he made on it.
They do not expect their 4 daughters to take on the responsibility of looking after them.
Your parents have been through a lot, but, again, you cannot take that on your young shoulders. It will break you.
They will manage. They have for this long.

Might I also point out, if you do not take care of yourself first, you cannot take care of anyone else.

Find a way GN. Does your sister live in the same place you go to college?
Have you tried to get a part time job to keep you going?
As I said earlier, your Da can find someone to help on the farm.

Emme

Beruthiel wrote: »

As I said earlier, your Da can find someone to help on the farm.

He can, but it would be cost money and he might not be able to pay the OPs fees. If times were better economically I would advise the OP to get out and find a job and let his father pay somebody to help on the farm but that might not be a good option these days unless the OP has some work experience off the farm.

It's a tricky one, and I would be afraid that the OP would feel guilted into staying at home to look after the farm for one or both parents once he has finished college.