smitten with date and wondering what to do

newtothis2010

hi all,

new to this (as username suggests).. I'm in my early 30s, been single about 18 months after 2 back to back relationships over previous 9 years...

finally met someone last week, got on like house on fire from the get go, have seen/spoken to each other every day since we met, its grrreat, obviously didn't think this would happen (nearly married ex) and especially so quickly but am completely into her and just really really really enjoy spending time with her..

but, am fully aware that its been an 'ell of a long time since i did this dating lark.. bar a few failed ones in the last year,

I actually can see myself spending plenty of time with this girl in the future already, (trying not to see too far into the distance!) and nope am not following her around like a puppy, am acting normally and not pushing to see her all the time, but its great when I do..

BUT, I have a family occasion or 2 coming up within the next couple of weeks... and I wanna ask this girl to accompany me a. as I want to share the days with her and b. because I wanna include her in some my life now as I am so comfortable with her..

On the intimacy front, things are moving slow as I think we both are not in a rush to do that and are just enjoying getting to know each other in more public settings...

would this question of asking her to a family function after what will be maybe 2-3 weeks be considered far too much too soon? or indeed are there opinions here on when introductions to family should be made?

or am I just mad and should just do what feels right in a grown up way??!

really don't wanna fk this one up by not following any new 'rules' that have been written in the last decade!!!

oh, she's been single maybe 6-8 months after a few years too....

thanks for input/opinions/head slaps..

barbiegirl

maybe a bit soon for family days out. Give it a bit more time. Or maybe mention it to her, see what she thinks. If it's a wedding maybe just bring her to the evening, anything else, birthday's, christenings etc., defo too soon imo.
Best of luck though, I was similar, met my hubbie at 29, having been single for 3.5 years, after 7 years of 2 back to relationships. Sometimes it just feels right :-)

Beruthiel

newtothis2010 wrote: »

am I just mad and should just do what feels right in a grown up way??!

If someone I just met two weeks ago asked me to a family function, I believe I'd be rather freaked out by the request. Waaaay too soon imo.

LegacyUser

way too soon to be asking someone to meet friends let alone go to a family occasion. OP sounds like you're met someone you really like, and from what you say she really likes you.

So what's the rush? Take your time, go and enjoy the family occasion but I would strongly advise against bringing her. Maybe she'd be flattered, but she could just as easily feel uncomfortable being put in a position where if she says no she might feel she's insulting you, and if she says yes she has to meet all your family and friends before she's gotten to know you.

Personally I've been put in a position where I had to meet really close friends very early in a relationship. Felt very uncomfortable as I was only getting to know the person I was seeing and thought it far too early for that. At the same time I really liked her so didn't want to be rude and say no. In hindsight I should have as even though I didn't make a tit of myself I was not myself at all, really quiet all night and just wanted it to be over.

All you'd be doing by inviting her is putting a lot of pressure on her and what could be but is not yet a relationship.

Take your time, enjoy meeting up but for now I'd keep it to just the two of you.

Fittle

See I'm the opposite.

If a bloke I liked (certainly, if I was feeling the way the OP is feeling), asked me to a family day thing, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. You're both in your early 30's, not teenagers. It's not like bringing her home to meet the folks when you're 17. Meeting the family at this age, is not a biggie - you're still just 'friends' with the possibility it might go somewhere...

I'd gently broach the subject with her...see her initial reaction. Tell her it's entirely up to her, no pressure etc. If she begins to run like the hills, then forget about it. If she's a bit like me, she'll be flattered and delighted you asked.

mood

I think it's too soon for meeting the family etc. Maybe after 6 months but not now.

LegacyUser

Depends on how much she likes you.

I wouldn't be freaked if a girl I really really liked asked me to an event with family there. I might decline depends on what type of event it was.

But, if a girl I wasn't sure about asked me, I'd be hesitant - that would be me being introduced as the boyfriend (which I wouldn't be sure I wanted to be). In fact, it'd probably help me make up my mind about them.

Beware though: some people just aren't comfortable at those types of events and it might be too much pressure on her.

I once turned up with a gf at her ma's house- the mother was meant to be out. She came back along with some brothers, sisters, husbands and wives and kids!!! I took it in my stride but had I been invited to a family lunch like that, I'd have been a bit anxious about it.

Monkey61

I don't buy into all this "too soon" to be meeting friends and family stuff. I don't see a problem with asking her at all. Personally I'd love something like that,a bit of craic, something interesting to do - and I'm not even the world's most sociable person.

It obviously depends on the individual relationship and the people involved, but in my current relationship, I met the parents after a month and it didn't seem the slightest bit weird.

You're both in your thirties, it's old enough to not be freaked out by adult social occasions.

mood

Monkey61 wrote: »

I don't buy into all this "too soon" to be meeting friends and family stuff. I don't see a problem with asking her at all. Personally I'd love something like that,a bit of craic, something interesting to do - and I'm not even the world's most sociable person.

It obviously depends on the individual relationship and the people involved, but in my current relationship, I met the parents after a month and it didn't seem the slightest bit weird.

You're both in your thirties, it's old enough to not be freaked out by adult social occasions.

Meeting friends is totally different from meeting the whole family. My family would assume it was a very serious relationship so I would feel it too soon after two weeks.

Miss Fluff

Fittle wrote: »

If a bloke I liked (certainly, if I was feeling the way the OP is feeling), asked me to a family day thing, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. You're both in your early 30's, not teenagers. It's not like bringing her home to meet the folks when you're 17. Meeting the family at this age, is not a biggie - you're still just 'friends' with the possibility it might go somewhere...

I would take a totally opposite view. Bringing someone home to Meet the Fockers in you 30s is a WAYYYYY different proposition to bringing a bf home as a kid. You are at a settling down age, it is fraught with expectation whether anyone cares to admit that or not.

I'd normally be an advocate of do what feels right, I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. BUT if you do see a future with her and you are serious about her then personally I think you would actually have to be insane to put such unnecessary and slightly freaky pressure on her at such an early stage.

RELAX ALREADY!!!!!:eek:

Miss Fluff

newtothis2010 wrote: »

finally met someone last week

Jeebus. Just read your post again. No no no no no no no no no no, on so many levels. No! Do not ask her!:eek:

Ickle Magoo

I think it depends entirely on the relationship. In some relationships three months would have been too soon in others a couple of weeks wouldn't have been an issue. I think it also depends on the kind of function, if it's your parents golden wedding anniversary then you are a star player and whom you bring and stands next to you in photos is very important. If you are going to ask her as your partner to a second-cousin twice removed wedding and a few other family member will be there, not so much of an issue...

LegacyUser

I would mention to her that you have the events in a non pressured way. I've got so and so's wedding/christening/birthday party on such and such dates. You can also mention she is welcome to come with you if she wants or you can hang out before/after the events etc... I think it can all just be a casual conversation. Personally I'd want to know and be able to make my own decision.

Millie

I'd have had a panic attack if I had to meet my boys friends and family so early but that's just me maybe.

You could causally mention you have these family events coming up and that she is welcome along but no pressure either way.

mood

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think it depends entirely on the relationship. In some relationships three months would have been too soon in others a couple of weeks wouldn't have been an issue. I think it also depends on the kind of function, if it's your parents golden wedding anniversary then you are a star player and whom you bring and stands next to you in photos is very important. If you are going to ask her as your partner to a second-cousin twice removed wedding and a few other family member will be there, not so much of an issue...

It's been a week... I would call it a relationship at this early stage!

mood

newtothis2010 wrote: »

On the intimacy front, things are moving slow as I think we both are not in a rush to do that and are just enjoying getting to know each other in more public settings...

Here you are say you both want to take it slow yet you want her to meet your entire family. That's a total contradiction. Why risk scaring her off at this early stage?

Ickle Magoo

mood wrote: »

It's been a week... I would call it a relationship at this early stage!

I moved in with my husband after a few weeks, I don't think you can judge all relationships on your own experience.

tbh

totally up to you, but for me, tooSoon ++

SarahSassy

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't think you can judge all relationships on your own experience.

No but we were here to give advice based on our won experiences.

OP, its probably too soon. Why rush everything? It would say to me you feel you need to prove soemthing to your family?

Ickle Magoo

SarahSassy wrote: »

No but we were here to give advice based on our won experiences.

I was replying to a post that commented specifically on the post I'd made, not the OP.

newtothis2010

OP here

first off, thanks everyone for your comments and opinions, this is all so totally new to me now that its nice to get peoples insights..

age wise, yep, we're in the 30s so we do have heads on our shoulders, but I don't believe that puts an expectation on anyone that this is, will be or could be, serious, the family have asked if i'd have a date for the events (as one is a sit down event with family and friends, whilst the other is a celebration in a hotel bar!).. it'll be all quite casual (even the dinner) and no pressure.. in saying that I don't feel that i HAVE to have a date, I am quite happy to go on my own as I have done so for the last 18 months (and indeed prior to that when in rel's!) and they understand that....

its not that I want to rush the whole thing and get her ingrained in my life asap, its more that I enjoy spending time with her so much that I'd just really like to have her there to enjoy the occasion with, yeah theres an element of seeing how both she and family interact, but that shouldn't be a problem either as both sides are personalities that I know will get on.

As to the intimacy comment I made, I was speaking more from the point of view that we have not gone down that route yet so in essence that 'emotional' side hasn't been explored yet.... and I think asking someone to something like this when you've slept with them may be construed as a bigger deal than if you haven't slept together....? I'm happy to wait on that side too til it feels right as I can see something with this girl for the future rather than just being in it for some instant gratification...

I guess I had it in my head before posting that a casual conversation a week before the events, as some have suggested here, would've been the way to go and I'm kinda glad to see I'm not mental in thinking that!

On the flip side, I totally understand how some people would view it as too much too soon, I would probably have been in your camp a while ago.. and I know all can only post based on info given, we're all different, but the general mix of yes and no's are good and helpful...

I guess I might just go with the 'gut' after a few more meets but at the mo I am leaning towards 'if one does't ask, one does't receive'...

thanks again all for your time in reading and replying... this is really quite a useful place to come...

I'll let ye know how I gets on!!

magneticimpulse

yeah very freaky to ask someone you met a week ago to a family function...if i was the girl, it would really freak me out. I mean id still be thinking about where we go for dinner, if we have sex etc...definitely not meeting the family and in laws. (its like a girl suggesting marriage on the 1st date...alarm bells)

I mean yeah you might like this person. but id be more worried about your family might get attached to her and not realise you only met her last week. I think your family would think your having them on, or that you are really desperate.

You seem to be getting on great, but just let things flow. There will be plenty of time to meet family. Id say 3 months dating at the earliest....even longer to make sure your getting on with her. Nothing worse after 2 long relationships, to be introduced to someones family, like them, and then end up breaking up with the person.

Give it time. Im sure you can manage by yourself at the family function.

Sarahon

That's just me, but:

1. I hate family stuff. You have to worry about what you wear, what you say, what impression you cause, etc. Can't drink much, have to do small talk. Especially if it’s a new date. Lots of pressure. I would hate being invited to one.

2. I would freak out, imh is really too soon… "is he going to propose to me on the next date or what?"

I had it happening to me a while ago, a sort-of-bf (date for one month) started to invite me for dinner at his sister's house, christening of his nephew, his parents' country house… I totally freaked out and felt extremely uncomfortable, and ended up avoiding him.

As another person said, at this point I'm looking forward to the excitement of the new relationship, dinner, party together, sex. Not his auntie, nephews and conversations about world politics and the price of properties…

Sorry…

katie99

Don't be stupid. It is definately NOT a relationship yet.
You are smitten. Give it at least three months. Then you can consider a relationship. Get to know her first, at a slow pace. Don't rush or crowd her space.
As regards family occasions, it is way too soon to be introducing her.
You DON't know her at all yet. So, just get to know her in a fun, relaxed way.
But definately DO NOT invite her to family doos. Nor introduce her to your friends.
I think you sound very pushy and if you push too much she will dump you.

AngryBadger

Think of it like this, if you feel so comfortable with this woman, and you're so sure there's a future in the relationship, then why the rush?

Meeting the family is often like the male equivalent of when women say "I love you" too soon and get really badly burned as a result.

It's been a week, you obviously want this to go somewhere, but I think you're desire is blinding you. The adult decision is to not make a move that will in all likelihood only introduce pressures that will cause this relationship to implode.

Softly, softly, catchee monkey...I've always wanted an excuse to use that phrase