Moved back to Ireland, now depressed

LegacyUser

Hi folks.

What to do!?

I lived abroad for a few years with my wife. I am from Ireland, she is from there (I don't want to be specific..) and recently we moved back to Ireland.

While away, I thought that I'd/we'd be happy here, but it really hasn't turned out that way for me. She really doesn't want to go back but I would be delighted to get the next flight back.

At the moment I don't have a job but she does, but that isn't the reason for my current depression, I am sure of it.

It's so frustrating. If I even mention something about going back, she flips, and says she is happy here....but I was happier there.

It's a bit of a mess. I feel like she convinced me in to coming back to Ireland, but now she won't even consider going back.

So bacically, I was happier in her country, she is happier in mine!

Beruthiel

Can I ask, how long have you been back and what efforts you have made to settle back in to the country?

Trashbat

stuckinireland wrote: »

It's a bit of a mess. I feel like she convinced me in to coming back to Ireland, but now she won't even consider going back.

sunflower27 wrote: »

So you decided you wanted to move back to Ireland and convinced her to leave her family and friends behind and now you want to go back and she's expected to just follow along again.

Ah, that's a bit rich IMO. She has obviously made a good stab at a life here. Of course she is going to flip, God love her.

Thats not the case at all. Read the OPs post.

To be honest, I find that it always takes time and hard work for both people to find happiness. I moved abroad with my OH and it took her a good six months to actually start settling down, finding the right work and developing a social life. To be honest, I was really guilty for having settled in so well, and i imagine your wife will feel the same if she see's the difficulty you're having.

I reckong giving it time to settle, but of course you must communicate properly with your wife, so she can understand the difficulty your going through. If she's reacting how you say she is, its probably that she just thinks your being flaky or something and hasn't considered the real unhappiness your feeling. Work together, communicate, and find a solution.

Good Luck, and remember, it'll pass.

LittleBook

stuckinireland wrote: »

I feel like she convinced me in to coming back to Ireland, but now she won't even consider going back

There's your problem. In my experience if one partner wants to move and the other one isn't keen, it's extremely difficult to work it out. Add to that the luxury of being able to blame the persuasive partner if things don't work out and you can get a quite toxic mix.

It's difficult to know what to do without more information, but if your wife refuses to go back to where you lived before and you absolutely want to, you're at a bit of an impasse I'm afraid. You'll need to figure out if being with your wife is more important than being in your preferred country, decide if you can make the best of a bad situation.

As a matter of interest, do you have children?

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

So you decided you wanted to move back to Ireland and convinced her to leave her family and friends behind and now you want to go back and she's expected to just follow along again.

Ah, that's a bit rich IMO. She has obviously made a good stab at a life here. Of course she is going to flip, God love her...

No. In truth it's more like me always following her.

We both talked about coming back to ireland, but actually it was her who wanted it more. I miss her family too...really do. I certainly didn't drag her here, away from her family and friends.

The thing is, she knows I'm not happy here, but won't even talk about the possibility of going back.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

So why did she need to convince you if you thought, as you say above, that you'd be happy in Ireland?

After we talked about it, and decided to go back (with quite some persuasion), I thought I'd/we'd be happy in Ireland.

I suppose the reason I thought we'd be happy, is that I am a quite optimistic person who focuses on positives....but shortly after we got here, the reality of Ireland kicked in, and I realised I was a lot happier where I was.

Beruthiel

stuckinireland wrote: »

but shortly after we got here, the reality of Ireland kicked in, and I realised I was a lot happier where I was.

So basically, you haven't given it a go at all?

George Orwell 1982

You can't turn back the clock now. Talk to a psychologist to get a professional opinion on how to procede. If you can't afford a psychologist talk to your GP. When people are depressed far away hills are always greener. Its unlikely you would be any happier if you moved again IMO.

Also you committed to you wife to move to Ireland, and she has obviously made the move and found a job. Its not really fair to say "Hey actually I wouldn't mind moving back now".

wylo

sunflower27 wrote: »

So you decided you wanted to move back to Ireland and convinced her to leave her family and friends behind and now you want to go back and she's expected to just follow along again.

Ah, that's a bit rich IMO. She has obviously made a good stab at a life here. Of course she is going to flip, God love her.

Seriously, read the original post again.

tenchi-fan

Didn't you know Ireland is the emerald isle... and faraway hills are greener? There's a correlation between those two phrases.

Personally, I was in australia and got homesick. Landed home to a crap job and no money in my bank account - my last penny went on the flight. 3 WEEKS LATER I was kicking myself.

Ireland really isn't a great country to live in at the best of times.

If you're out of work, why not suggest to your gf that you go back to whereeverLand to get a job short-term, and she can continue working here. When things pick up in Ireland you can come back to her.

LegacyUser

Try volunteering. www.volunteer.ie not only would this give you something to do while you are unemployed, but it will offer you a chance to learn something about your local community or charity that might give you the motivation to see what is going on in Ireland.

Do you have any useful skills? There is some organisation that probably could do with your time and and experience.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry if I'm being nosy, buy why did your OH want to move to Ireland so badly? Did she get a good job offer here before moving or something?

I guess that if you were actually set against it and it was clear from the begining that she was the only one benefiting from moving, her attitude is very unfair to you. But if, on the other hand, she simply had better luck at finding a job and adapting while you haven't, you really have no right to blame her. Maybe go back to the other country to visit, as some other posters have said, "the grass is always greener...". Maybe you'll get there and realise you can have some of the things you miss in Ireland too, just try and think constructively rather than blaming you partner.

If you are truly depressed (I used to move A LOT when I was younger and living with my parents, so I know it might get very difficult some times) do not hesitate so seek help.

irishh_bob

George Orwell 1982 wrote: »

You can't turn back the clock now. Talk to a psychologist to get a professional opinion on how to procede. If you can't afford a psychologist talk to your GP. When people are depressed far away hills are always greener. Its unlikely you would be any happier if you moved again IMO.

Also you committed to you wife to move to Ireland, and she has obviously made the move and found a job. Its not really fair to say "Hey actually I wouldn't mind moving back now".

never mind that oul ****e , talking to someone results in too much reflection and perpetual deliberation , a descision is required quickly to resolve this problem , all a shrink or doctor will do is tell him the same thing he ( or she ) tells everyone who is faced with a dillema , be it finding yourself unsettled due to having moved back home or finding it hard to cope with a bereavement , the docs give you the same spiel

syklops

Some of the replies and so called advice on this thread is shocking!

irishh_bob wrote: »

never mind that oul ****e , talking to someone results in too much reflection and perpetual deliberation , a descision is required quickly to resolve this problem , all a shrink or doctor will do is tell him the same thing he ( or she ) tells everyone who is faced with a dillema , be it finding yourself unsettled due to having moved back home or finding it hard to cope with a bereavement , the docs give you the same spiel

Agreed. I dont mean to sound too cynical, but all a shrink will do is book you for more sessions, and the doctor once he hears the magical word depression, will give you a prescription for anti-depressants and say 'Fifty euro please. Next Please!'.

OP, I was in a similar situation about a year ago. I moved somewhere with my missus, she had a job, I didnt, didn't have much hope of getting one, was very homesick and wanted to go home. It all changed once I got a job. I had purpose in my life, I met new people, and started to relax and enjoy life. I know they say money doesn't make you happy, but its a lot easier to be merry when you have some money in the bank, and you can go out with work colleagues or friends on a Friday night with out asking your OH for a loan. You also start to really appreciate weekends.

I know you say not having the job is not the source of your depression, but i would say its a contributing factor. Put it like this, yesterday you posted on here at 10.30 in the morning looking for advice, which suggests to me you have been brooding and worrying about the situation. If you were employed for 8 hours a day in a vaguely enjoyable job you would not have the time to over-analyse your current situation.

I was home for a week a few weeks ago, and have to say I found it depressing alright. Many of my friends have no work, many of the shops and pubs I knew well were either closed down or in serious difficulty, and the cost of everything hit home to me for the first time. I was delighted to get back to my new adopted home.

I know you said your OH flips out if you even mention returning home, would you consider raising the issue of going elsewhere? Somewhere with a similar culture/climate but is not her home? Not everyone misses their home, and not everyone has rosy memories of it. Maybe its not so much the case that she does not want to leave Ireland, maybe its more a case that she does not want to go home, which based on the number of threads we get on PI with problems with mothers/fathers/siblings/aunts/uncles etc, is plausible enough.

While you think about the idea of possibly moving elsewhere, I would say try to get busy with something until you find a job. What industry were you working in and what are your hobbies. Not all hobbies require money, and there are lots of things you can do if your short on the green stuff. Volunteering is another idea.

How long have you been here? I have found it takes 6 months minimum to get used to a place, even if its your own hometown after being away, and to be honest I would say a year until you feel comfortable again. Give yourself 6 months anyway, and at the end of the 6 months if your still no happier, and have no job lined up, I think you need to sit down and have an open and frank discussion with your other half.

stuckinireland

stuckinireland wrote: »

she is happy here....but I was happier there.

Have you sat down and talked with her about a country that is NEITHER hers or yours? There is not only two options here.