moving in

LegacyUser

With my girlfriend over 4 years. We were just chatting about our future etc. I asked if maybe she had thought about us moveing in together. She said she didn't want to do that, she lives with her parents and didn't want to leave them alone. Her parents are both 59 and very independant.

Anyhow the conversation moved along to marriage. She then said that if we got married she would hope i would move in with her and her parents.I rent my own apartment. Her parents house is a large 2 storey 5 bedroom house. She said we would hav more space there and could turn a bedroom into a living room. Her parents are ok for the most part. Her mother can be a bit much at times and doesn't like to have her opion challenged. When i stay there i never really feel 100% comfortable.Its one of those houses where you would be afraid to leave anything out of place.
Her sister also drops her kids off ther when ever she feels like it which is about 3 days a week. And the pair of them are little brats. My GF words not mine.

I said that ther were some lovely houses close by to rent and buy and they might be worth a look. When i said about our own house and not feeling comfortable there she got really upset. The conversation ended very quickly but i know its goin to come up again.


I really would like to marry this girl and have kids, but i really want to do it in our home.


Any advice appreciated

Victor

Has she ever lived away from home?

Ickle Magoo

I think it's completely unreasonable to expect a partner to moving into your familial home and live there as if another child of her parents. You need to make sure she knows how you feel and if need be, that moving in with her parents just isn't an option. If you are at all unsure or wary of moving in now and the problems that may bring, imagine living it and it will then be much harder to move out again without causing insult.

She's got to know that the average couple don't put off moving in together so they can stay at home nor expect one party to throw away all privacy and independence and move in with their parents. Is there any reason she doesn't want to move out of home? Leaving her parents alone is hardly a valid reason seen as they have each other and children and grandchildren...

ManOfMystery

She is totally out of order, not just with you but also with her parents.

1) It sounds like she would be content never to leave home. Has it never entered her head that her parents would actually like to have the place to themselves? I know most parents love having their children around, but there comes a time when we all have to fly the nest and let our parents get on with the rest of their lives.

2) Expecting you to potentially enter a marriage down the line where you have to live in her parent's house is ridiculous. The whole point of a marriage is to forge a relationship of your own, your own place, your own family, etc. She should at least recognise this (if not accept it) because her own parents obviously did it.

3) She sounds very dependent on her parents. Is she spoilt? Can she make decisions on her own without consulting them? Just asking as may find she'll only get worse down the line, not better.

I moved out when I was 19 and haven't lived at home since. Love my parents and see them at least once every couple of weeks and usually stay over for a night, they love having me too but it would never enter my head to be living at home again and imposing on them. I just can't my head around someone who is content to live with her parents for the rest of her days, even through her own marriage.

What age are you both?

sexdwarf

That is completely out of line of her OP and a HUGE ask on her part. I'd be sitting down asap and explaining that it would put you in an intolerable position.

As nice as her parents may be no one should expect their partner to move in with the in-laws as adult people. I wouldn't dream of it.

It seems odd that she is getting so upset at the idea of moving near by. Her parents are in their fifties, they're young yet. I think despite her upset when you discuss it, she as an adult person needs to discuss this with you in a mature fashion, and if she's not capable of that, I'd be considering my options.

seamus

redrebel1001 wrote: »

With my girlfriend over 4 years. We were just chatting about our future etc. I asked if maybe she had thought about us moveing in together. She said she didn't want to do that, she lives with her parents and didn't want to leave them alone. Her parents are both 59 and very independant.

I have seen it happen plenty of times in the past where the last child living at home feels some responsibility to their parents, and they feel that if they were to move out, leaving their parents rattling around a big empty house together, that it would be devastating to the parents.

Sometimes parents can subconsciously guilt their children into it - comments about, "it'll be awful lonely when you move out" - but it's often just an assumed responsibility by the child, especially if the child helps out a lot around the house. At 59 her parents aren't over the hill yet and are presumably well able to look after themselves.

Rest assured that this is not normal behaviour. She is the one who is making unusual and frankly unreasonable assumptions/requests, so it's up to her to justify them.

She's obviously missing the fact that they are her parents, not yours. People often forget this - to her, they are the greatest people in the world; Sure why would you not want to live with them? They may be the nicest people in the world, but you will never love them as much as she does, and sharing a home with them is, for you, no more appealing than moving in with your Auntie Mary - you could handle it for a short while, but you will eventually need your own space.

I remember my own wife had suggested this at one point (before we got married, and I think it was for a short term thing) and I said no f-in way in no uncertain terms. My primary objection to it was that I would like to feel relaxed in my own home and I would like to have the option of wandering around in my boxer shorts for half the day if I so please. You cannot have that if you're living with your in-laws; triply so if they own the property.

Anyhow the conversation moved along to marriage. She then said that if we got married she would hope i would move in with her and her parents.

This has to be a big alarm here. If you are in any way considering marrying or moving in with this girl, then the rules and expectations need to be set now.

When you marry a person, you don't become part of their family. You create your own brand new family, and both sets of parents then become the extended family. As such, your new family needs its own family home unless there's a pressing reason why you would permanently move in with your extended family.

At this stage, you need to be clear to her about what you expect. There willl be tears, don't let them sway you.

The easiest way to try get her to see reason is to ask her how she'd feel if you asked her to move into your parents' house after you get married.

trio

Move in with them and you will still be living there 20 years down the line. It will become your full marital home.

Because once you move in, there's never gonna be a good time to get your own place. The parents are only going to get older and more clingy. She's only going to feel guiltier.

And you will be the live-in carer when inevitably they become infirm.

Beruthiel

redrebel1001 wrote: »

she lives with her parents and didn't want to leave them alone.

I'm a parent of a 22 year old, I'll be quite happy to see her leave.
I can walk around the house naked again.
As for having my daughter and her bloke living with me, lol, not a hope in hell!
He's a nice lad an' all, but I want my house to myself and my fella. I don't want to take anyone else into consideration when I'm doing whatever in my gaff. I like my privacy.

I really would like to marry this girl and have kids, but i really want to do it in our home.

Stick to your guns on this.
Having a relationship with anyone is not all plain sailing. Having a relationship within ear shot of someone's parents = extra stress.

I can tell you, if you are this uncomfortable about the idea now, then you will crack up if you give in. It won't work. It can't work.
There is a reason why children fly the nest. They are supposed to.
It is the only way you can grow as an adult.
Being under the rules of someone elses house will not work for you. Why put yourself under that extra pressure?
If your g/f doesn't get this, then she still has a lot of growing up to do!