The honeymoon period.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this so I will make it short, basically the relationship with my GF has gone stale(Im not sure if this is even the right word) and I am not sure exactly why. We have known each other for 3 years and have been going out for about 8 months and recently in the last few weeks things have just been getting more and more stressful on me and here is why.

She is gorgeous, I love her and to say I am not an affectionate person would be a huge understatement so For me we are still in the honeymoon period and I always basically want to be all over her. The problem I've been having of late is that I have to work so hard just to get a kiss from her. A moment of passion like what I have for her would be non existent on her end and she just doesn't seem bothered. Having said all this we are great. I know she loves me and she is not the type to cheat but I have no clue why she is like this.

We don't live together but we see each other a fair amount and when we do sex is the last thing on her mind and when we do have sex it has been initiated by me id say 99% percent of the time. When it happens its great.

I am or was a very secure confident dude and nothing could get me down but these issues have killed my confidence and now I don't even want to have sex because it feels like a one way street at the moment. I am now a little insecure about my looks/appearance something which has never bothered me. I don't know how to even approach her with this because she gets in a huff when I engage any kind of serious conversation. Am I being a tool and imagining things here? Apart from the "You need to talk to her" advice is there anything I can do to try intice her or even get some indication of what she feels?

Miss Fluff

I really hate to say this to you OP but after a super-short relationship of 8 months you should still be jumping the bones off one another at every single opportunity. If one party is not into it anymore, it would suggest that THEY may not be into YOU anymore. Loss of libido can manifest itself as a result of depression or anxiety etc but after eight months, unless there is a good psychological or physiological reason (pain through intercourse for example), then to my mind you are probably fighting a lost battle and she has quite simply gone off you. This is no reflection on your looks or your manhood or who you are, she was obviously in to you at one stage. It's just sometimes, people just "go off" the other person in the relationship and sex is usually one of the first things to suffer.

That maybe jumping the gun though. Ho often were you having sex and how often do you have it now? I mean is it a case that it's simply gone from five times a day or twice or what is the level of frequency?

There is the possibility too that you are smothering her by "wanting to be all over her all of the time" - this is potentially really suffocating so if you are constantly trying to stick your tongue down her throat or touching her up then she may find it really annoying.

At the end of the day though, nobody here is a mind-reader. If you're old enough to have sex, then you sure as hell should be old enough to talk about it with her openly. Show her this thread to get the ball rolling if needs be but you won't know unless she tells you. You mightn't necessarily like the answer though....

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

Has she always been reluctant to have sex or is it a recent thing?

If she's always been this way then she may just not like sex or like Miss Fluff said she could find it painful.

However, if it's a recent thing then maybe try control the touchy feely stuff and see if she gets a bit more amorous. Maybe she's become complacent about it because you always initiate it. She could be used to that and likes the fact that you ask her.
If you lay off the affection for a while (not totally! Kisses and cuddles are still necessary! ) she may begin to miss your touch and come on to you instead.

Not saying this will work but it's worth a shot. If it doesn't then you will have to just speak to her about it. We can only speculate as to why she's like this.

Good luck!

CR

Ickle Magoo

What kind of relationship do you really have if you are loosing self-confidence and esteem and she just huffs if you try to discuss it like adults? Never mind the fact that 8 months is a short relationship, not even touching honeymoon periods, ime.

If it's just been for the last couple of weeks then I think you have a right to know what is going on. Is she going off you? Does she want to break up? Is there something wrong? Is she feeling pressured or annoyed about you wanting sex or kisses all the time? I know you said you didn't want the "talk to her" advice - but that's what healthy relationships are built on. If you were able to talk to her you wouldn't be worried and stressed about this - I think she's being very unfair.

moco

Is she on the pill? It can really effect your sex drive.

LegacyUser

OP, I have been with my OH for a few years and feel like we are in the same situation as you. We are a young couple. He works and is always tired when he gets home so sex has gone from 2-3 times a week to maybe once every ten days. I have talked to him about it but he wants me to make allowances and understand how tired he is from working and how much pressure he is under and he doesn't need to be put under any more from me. Which I do understand but wheras I would see making love as one of those nice-way-to-relax-after-a-hard-day's-work activities like having a bath or a few drinks, he seems to see it as more work which he simply hasn't got anymore energy for.

Also I am an affectionate person and love my kisses and cuddles. While we do still have these I feel it's become a bit friendly as opposed to lovers. Without sounding too silly, the only time he kisses me properly (I mean with tongues) is when we are having sex and seeing as that's gotten more infrequent then the kissing has too. I've said this to him but he's kind of of the attitude that we're not horny teenagers anymore so why would we be "shifting" each other outside of the bedroom anyway? I just want to feel loved and wanted and be kissed differently than you'd kiss your granny! Who's right? If I go on about it enough he will promise to give me more kisses and does so for the next day or two but then it slips back to the "housemates/peck on the lips" situation again.

Before anyone says that he's not into me etc etc we have had that discussion also and that's not the problem. We love each other very much and he says he still fancies the pants off me but when we've been together so long and he has so much other stuff on his mind right now then eating the face off me isn't one of his top priorities! He thinks we're at a more mature stage of a relationship and I do see his point. I don't know, am I being silly wanting to be "shifted" by my OH of 3.5 years at my age?!

Sorry OP I know you're looking for advice and I can't exactly offer you any when I'm looking for some myself. But just wanted to let you know you're not alone and that maybe our OH's just have reached the "comfortable and mature" stage of our relationships before us? It definitely doesn't mean, as some posters here have said, that she doesn't love you anymore or isn't attracted to you anymore coz like I said I have no doubts about my OH in those areas. It could be a million other things.

Do let us know how you get on or if anything changes/works! If so I can try it in my own situation!

LegacyUser

honeymoon wrote: »

Going unreg for this so I will make it short, basically the relationship with my GF has gone stale(Im not sure if this is even the right word) and I am not sure exactly why. We have known each other for 3 years and have been going out for about 8 months and recently in the last few weeks things have just been getting more and more stressful on me and here is why.

She is gorgeous, I love her and to say I am not an affectionate person would be a huge understatement so For me we are still in the honeymoon period and I always basically want to be all over her. The problem I've been having of late is that I have to work so hard just to get a kiss from her. A moment of passion like what I have for her would be non existent on her end and she just doesn't seem bothered. Having said all this we are great. I know she loves me and she is not the type to cheat but I have no clue why she is like this.

We don't live together but we see each other a fair amount and when we do sex is the last thing on her mind and when we do have sex it has been initiated by me id say 99% percent of the time. When it happens its great.

I am or was a very secure confident dude and nothing could get me down but these issues have killed my confidence and now I don't even want to have sex because it feels like a one way street at the moment. I am now a little insecure about my looks/appearance something which has never bothered me. I don't know how to even approach her with this because she gets in a huff when I engage any kind of serious conversation. Am I being a tool and imagining things here? Apart from the "You need to talk to her" advice is there anything I can do to try intice her or even get some indication of what she feels?

you could be describing me earlier this year except hit that just 2 months after going from friends to boyfriend/girlfriend. Everything physical which was originally at least 50/50 had to be initiated by me.

Confidence plummeted and head was wrecked. In the end I never even got the chance to ask what was going on as said goodbye one morning after a weekend together and haven't seen or heard from her since.

OP it's not a nice situation to be in, looking back I can't believe how low my confidence in myself had sunk as like you I'd normally be very confident, assertive etc.

I didn't bring it up with her for two reasons.

Thought it might be a little early to be asking those type of questions and last thing I wanted was to look needy and insecure, never have or would be like that.

At the same time and if I'm completely honest maybe I was afraid if I asked I would get an answer I wouldn't like.

Hate to say it but it is kinda classic behaviour, and a way of breaking up without being the one to do it. Affectionate contact becomes minimal, person gets irritable over the slightest thing etc etc.

Generally means the person wants to finish but doesn't have the balls to say it. Instead they start treating you badly in the hopes that you'll get fed up and do it for them.

Only way you'll know for sure is by sitting her down and asking straight out what's wrong, not confrontational but you at least deserve an honest and open answer as to what is going on in her head. If it's the above then you'll get your answer pretty quick.

Not nice but believe me if that is the case better to get it over with asap. Relationships are meant to be fun, fulfilling, where you share your time, thoughts and affection with each other. By the sounds of it you're getting the scraps from the table.

LegacyUser

Guest 1234, I'm sorry about your experience but I don't think it's fair to tell the OP that because that's the way things happened in your case that that's what is happening to his relationship too.
OP has said that even despite this issue they are "still great" and that he knows she loves him so it's a massive leap to presume that she wants out just coz she's been a bit off sexually lately. Sex, especially for girls, is largely emotional and is therefore affected by outside pressures, stresses and circumstances. As I said in my post, I am finding the same with my OH at the mo. He is under so much pressure work-wise and has so much going on and tiring him out that sex has slid way down the list of priorities for the moment. I understand this and while it's difficult right now, I know it won't last and look forward to when it eases off in a few weeks time and things can get back to normal.
That's life I'm afraid, there are always real-life issues and commitments getting in the way of the fairytale relationship. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still love me every bit as much (he does!) or that the OP's girlfriend doesn't still love him every bit as much.

OP, any update on your situation?