surviving until exit

flay

Hey im writing this out of desperation im a man still living with my parents under 30 years of age. Im sorry if this seems a bit blunt but to spell out my situation i feel its nessacery. My father physically and emotionally abused me for years, the physical abuse ended when i was sixteen the emotional abuse has went on since then but as i get older its not as direct more ambient ie talking about me within earshot calling me names ect.

I went to a counsoler about this and i am trying to return to education i have also gone to the community welfare officer to try and get rent allowance, i put my self on the housing list a few months ago to qaulify for rent allowance and i am just waiting to be put on the housing list before i move out.

The thing is this man, this abuser has more or less ripped my soul out being around him is horrible and i literally shudder out of disgust when he comes into the room but im stuck untill i can apply for rent allowance as i havent got the money otherwise i have thrown my cv around everywhere in the mean time in hopes of getting any job. its killing me being around him, theres a horrible sense of injustice at what he got away with, fortunatly he never hit my brother or mother but he emotionally abuses them both often demeaning my mother to the point of breaking her spirit. i intend to confront him when i move out with all hes done wrong and how hes hurt me and to put it mildy i wont lose any sleep if i hit him.

How do i cope witt the anger and extreme stress of living with him until i move out and i know its personal but has anyone confronted their abuser and tried to turn around their life after abuse?

scentedcandle

flay wrote: »

My father physically and emotionally abused me for years, the physical abuse ended when i was sixteen the emotional abuse has went on since.

I went to a counsoler about this and i am trying to return to education i have also gone to the community welfare officer to try and get rent allowance.
...demeaning my mother to the point of breaking her spirit. i intend to confront him when i move out
all hes done wrong and how hes hurt me and to put it mildy i wont lose any sleep if i hit him.
How do i cope witt the anger and extreme stress of living with him until i move out and i know its personal but has anyone confronted their abuser and tried to turn around their life after abuse?

Very similar situation myself Flay. Too similar.

Except I suffered the violence at the hands of MY MOTHER and all her phycological abuse that came with it.
My father was too out of it on drink to notice, never at home either. Around 14 she stopped lashing out at me but the verbal abuse continued. My confidence became shattered and I met this loser at 15 and ran away with him. This was a direct result of my upbringing
- BAD CHOICES ARE MADE IN ORDER TO ESCAPE A WORSE SITUATION.
I left school (bullied) and things have never really been right for me.
I have no education. I feared meeting people/classroom type learning because of school, slight phobia of lunchtimes ect.
I am unemployed and have been most of my adult life.
I let depression get the better of me. I am in councelling too but found the person not to be helpful - I know there are better ones and you should maybe change yours too, or from male to female, vice versa.

Is this person your real father or stepfather?
Dont bother your hat confronting him - if he got violent with you, he could get the upper hand and you would feel worse. He is a vile person and you will NEVER have a normal relationship with him, so dont even waste your thoughts. Burn a photo of him and cut him out of your life forever.
Act like he's already dead. He will never apologise.
Even if he did it wont take away what he did to you.

I think its you mother you need to speak to - HOW does she endure this man and more importantly - why has she exposed you to his abuse,
she is a parent, its her job to protect you in the home no matter what
age you are.

My mother was so self-absorbed in her own problems that I raised myself! I had no care, attention, I was an invisible child, except for when I came out of my room and got screamed at for being in the kitchen....
Women like these project their unhappiness onto their childeren
I'd take a guess and say she'd fall apart if you left and make you very aware of it too
- the household dynamics would change and the situation may become worse for her if you go. She needs to be told this.
Because it could very well be that YOU are the one who is holding the house together, just by being there.
and you CAN NOT REMAIN for the sake of your own sanity.
Nor can you live this misery out of pity for her.

Can she leave him/throw him out? Is she financially dependent on him?
Or is she happy to live the status quo, happy to 'just put up with it'?
If you receive the slightest incling of guilt from her about you going
- GO FASTER. Do not feed guilt. I did and it took me 27 YEARS TO
LEAVE HOME!
My own mother made me feel like it wasnt HER fault how she was and HER DEPRESSION BECAME SO INFECTIOUS THAT I AM NOW BLIGHTED WITH IT.
SO depressed I couldnt even get out of bed to learn or to work.

I am now renting, under the rent allowance scheme.
I was working for 3 years and paid the rent myself.
I think the scheme has changed now where you have to fund your own deposit (I paid all my own as was working but think they USED pay deposits).
I dont know how I'll get by.
I have insecurities that I could wind up homeless some day or offered a dump council house in a very bad area.
Rent Allowance is a very unstable way to live.
They have a 'cap' where the rent cant be above a certain rate, if it is they wont give it to you, as by law you are meant to have enough money leftover for food and bills. Depends what part of the country.
Dublins cap is the highest (due to more expensive rent).
Would you be able to live with other people? Even one other guy in a fairly big house? You'd get rent allowance easier than if you were to live alone.
You say you want to go back to education - DO.

In the meantime to deal with stress you should go to a gym and/or self defence/kickboxing classes.
Have you got friends? Rope them in.
Be a tourist in you own City and go see things a visitor would.
Hang out in the library. Have coffee outside.
Whatever you do, commit long hours online researching careers and courses, look into careers you'd like - call to workplaces and ask to speak to someone from staff about what their job entails,
call to colleges, speak to tutors, have a focus, be clear and determined or it will never happen.

Let us know and PM me if you need to

flay

Very similar situation myself Flay. Too similar.

Except I suffered the violence at the hands of MY MOTHER and all her phycological abuse that came with it.
My father was too out of it on drink to notice, never at home either. Around 14 she stopped lashing out at me but the verbal abuse continued. My confidence became shattered and I met this loser at 15 and ran away with him. This was a direct result of my upbringing
- BAD CHOICES ARE MADE IN ORDER TO ESCAPE A WORSE SITUATION.
I left school (bullied) and things have never really been right for me.
I have no education. I feared meeting people/classroom type learning because of school, slight phobia of lunchtimes ect.
I am unemployed and have been most of my adult life.
I let depression get the better of me. I am in councelling too but found the person not to be helpful - I know there are better ones and you should maybe change yours too, or from male to female, vice versa.

Thanks so much for your reply it means a lot, im aware bad choices are made in order to escape but i have made worse while staying here, im sorry that all that happened to you sc but you seem very intelligent and write about it so eloquently. its so nice to see im not alone here. Yes i have many symptoms of someone who was abused, slight low self esteem and anger towards me abuser. My counsoluer is female and is fantastic but i only have her for a year is it is a free consouling service for victims of abuse and only lasts a year.

Is this person your real father or stepfather?
Dont bother your hat confronting him - if he got violent with you, he could get the upper hand and you would feel worse. He is a vile person and you will NEVER have a normal relationship with him, so dont even waste your thoughts. Burn a photo of him and cut him out of your life forever.
Act like he's already dead. He will never apologise.
Even if he did it wont take away what he did to you.

He is unfortunatly my real father and to be perfectly honest its hard to understand just one of his most aggresive actions towards me and the worst of it is he still tries to control me and put me down again and again. Vile is right i dont want a relationship with him he is scum. he really really hurt me and yet he finds the arrogance to talk to me as if nothing happened and im to blame although i dont feel to blame. I think i have to confront him to a certain degree im not looking for a apology he wont mean it but to vent my anger on him and if he gets hurt i wont lose sleep.

I think its you mother you need to speak to - HOW does she endure this man and more importantly - why has she exposed you to his abuse,
she is a parent, its her job to protect you in the home no matter what
age you are.

My mother was so self-absorbed in her own problems that I raised myself! I had no care, attention, I was an invisible child, except for when I came out of my room and got screamed at for being in the kitchen....
Women like these project their unhappiness onto their childeren
I'd take a guess and say she'd fall apart if you left and make you very aware of it too
- the household dynamics would change and the situation may become worse for her if you go. She needs to be told this.
Because it could very well be that YOU are the one who is holding the house together, just by being there.
and you CAN NOT REMAIN for the sake of your own sanity.
Nor can you live this misery out of pity for her.

My mother says she loves me but never stood up for me once i did confront her over it and got the excuse that she was afraid of him, whatever she says i will be out when i can its me i have to look after now.

Can she leave him/throw him out? Is she financially dependent on him?
Or is she happy to live the status quo, happy to 'just put up with it'?
If you receive the slightest incling of guilt from her about you going
- GO FASTER. Do not feed guilt. I did and it took me 27 YEARS TO
LEAVE HOME!
My own mother made me feel like it wasnt HER fault how she was and HER DEPRESSION BECAME SO INFECTIOUS THAT I AM NOW BLIGHTED WITH IT.
SO depressed I couldnt even get out of bed to learn or to work.

you guessed it shes is financially dependent on him im sorry about your mother its good that you realize it wasnt your fault, and i am 27 too now so i know how that feels, its nice that someone understands i was bullied and had my spirit broken when i tried to leave my confidence was ruined.

I am now renting, under the rent allowance scheme.
I was working for 3 years and paid the rent myself.
I think the scheme has changed now where you have to fund your own deposit (I paid all my own as was working but think they USED pay deposits).
I dont know how I'll get by.
I have insecurities that I could wind up homeless some day or offered a dump council house in a very bad area.
Rent Allowance is a very unstable way to live.
They have a 'cap' where the rent cant be above a certain rate, if it is they wont give it to you, as by law you are meant to have enough money leftover for food and bills. Depends what part of the country.
Dublins cap is the highest (due to more expensive rent).
Would you be able to live with other people? Even one other guy in a fairly big house? You'd get rent allowance easier than if you were to live alone.
You say you want to go back to education - DO.

I live in dublin so and i dont want to survive on rent alloawance i handed cvs in everywhere and continue to look for work. I will definatly live with other people i would be too lonley on my own and i intend to go back to education i have a interview coming up in august.

In the meantime to deal with stress you should go to a gym and/or self defence/kickboxing classes.
Have you got friends? Rope them in.
Be a tourist in you own City and go see things a visitor would.
Hang out in the library. Have coffee outside.
Whatever you do, commit long hours online researching careers and courses, look into careers you'd like - call to workplaces and ask to speak to someone from staff about what their job entails,
call to colleges, speak to tutors, have a focus, be clear and determined or it will never happen.

Let us know and PM me if you need to

I love the gym idea and will go again, i already do the libary and coffee its good to see the simular survival tactics we have. i did tell some friends but no one knows how hard i have it here. i will pm you sc thank you!

AckwelFoley

Im very sorry to hear of your situation, its difficult to try and advise you when i can say ive never had any such expierences.

Look to the future if you can.

My way with dealing with a man like your father wouldnt be the most prudent for some, but the one way in life to deal with a bully is to be a bigger bully. I understand that years of mental torture has probably worn you down.

I dont know what to say really other than i wish you the best now and in the future

flay

snyper wrote: »

Im very sorry to hear of your situation, its difficult to try and advise you when i can say ive never had any such expierences.

Look to the future if you can.

My way with dealing with a man like your father wouldnt be the most prudent for some, but the one way in life to deal with a bully is to be a bigger bully. I understand that years of mental torture has probably worn you down.

I dont know what to say really other than i wish you the best now and in the future

you dont know how right you are, the only thing i want from him is fear so that he knows not to try his sh1t