Need help - suicidal kind of. Very long.

LegacyUser

I've edited this a lot before posting, and have left out a lot of detail because I don't want people to know who I am >__>

Yeah, so I'm not some over emotional brat before anyone gets that impression. I'm posting this because although I am indeed suicidal, I know logically that I do NOT want to die, so I need some help.


Anyway. I've had something of a traumatic upbringing and life. I'm not going to go into major detail about what I've been through, but I've dealt with domestic abuse from both a partner and a parent, rape, ED, mental illness, physical illness and the like. I presume that all of these combined are what is causing me to feel so down right now. I'm bi-polar with anxiety, by the way. Diagnosed, on medication, in treatment.


Anyway. In the last month or two, I've been on a pretty major "down" in my moods. I don't normally feel suicidal, and when I do I can generally quell those thoughts within a few hours or a day. Not this time though.

I've been on such a bad downer that all I can contemplate is suicide. I really DON'T want to do it, but at the same time, I do (if that makes sense?). I don't have many friends anymore because most of them took my rapist's side when I came out about what he did to me. I've been in therapy for years and am between therapists right now and my psychiatrist only sees me once every 3 or 4 months, so I don't get much (if any) benefit from seeing him. Switching psychs is not an option right now. I can't say why, but it isn't, no matter what you guys say.

I sought counselling from the RCC but it was "not successful" to put it mildly. No matter what is said to me, I will never even contemplate going back there.

I have been actively seeking therapy but am unable to get any at the moment. The only places that can see me on a long term basis (I need long term, 6 sessions won't help me and that's all the short term therapists offer), I can't afford or they are too far away.

I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. I mean, I love my family and my boyfriend, but that's not enough. I need to get past what happened to me and I'm trying so damn hard and nothing is working. I'm actively seeking therapy all the time, I'm searching for work so that I can pay for the therapy, I'm making new friends, I socialize regularly, but it's not enough. The things like friendships, socializing and family are not enough for me. They don't make me happy. I know that I need to move on from my past before I can really embrace the present. The problem is, I have tried time and again to get help to conquer my "demons" and have been unable to find any suitable to me.

I feel that my main problem is that I need to talk about what has happened to me. I mean, I've never had the opportunity to tell anyone the full story of what my rapist did to me (I was raped on several occasions by a partner, it's not like one rape that I can blurt out), or about my family life. I feel like it's all becoming too much for me to handle by myself and unfortunately, I can't talk to my best friend or my partner about it. I have tried and they have tried to help, but they don't really understand so I'm not able to feel comfortable enough to talk for long about it.

Has anyone got ANY suggestions? I can't try any harder than I'm already trying so please don't post if all you can suggest is that I try harder. I want to curl up into a ball and ignore the world but I know I have to keep fighting until I find therapy, so I'm researching places and emailing them all the time (I never have credit on my phone to call them), but it's rare that I receive a response.

yummymummy2

Firstly let me just clarify that im not a qualified counsellor and this is just my opinion.
My heart goes out to you but seen that you actually wrote looking for advice and admit you dont actually want to die means that you are strong enough to overcome this and overcome it you will, believe me there is a light at the end of the tunnell, just at times it takes a long time to get there.
You say you try to talk to your partner but he dosnt understand, he probably does understand but doesnt know what to say to help you, he cant "fix" the situtation to make you feel happy again and sometimes that can make a partner feel inadequate so they avoid the topic at the beat of times.
You do need to therapy, you know that and are desperatly seeking that, you need to tell your story from start to finish but i dont think your looking for answers , your looking to be heard.
take each day as it comes one step at a time and give yourself a pat on the back, considering the ****e youve been thru youre a lot stronger that you give youreself credit for.
I know this post didnt give you any answers but hang on in there and start to love youreself again, cause apart from what the ad says "your worth it".

If you are seriously suicidal, if you are in the darkest depths of the night and you really don't think you can make it through - walk or get a taxi to your local Garda station - present yourself, tell them you are feeling suicidal and need to get help. I did exactly this in Shankill station a few years ago and they were brilliant. They took care of me, a bangarda sat with me all night, she brought me outside when I wanted to have a fag, they called my boyfriend at the time, didn't scare him, just explained who they were and said that it would be good if he came over, but didn't have to - he did come over. They arranged for is to have an assessment at my regional psychiatric unit, arranged transport for us there and everything - of course THEY turned me away, long story - but the gardaí were awesome.

I suffer very often with suicidal thoughts, but I've had them for so long and so many years now that I know how to either wait them out, or, like I did in Shankill, I go to the garda station. They wont belittle you. They will take care of you. Feeling suicidal is no joke, I know it's a horrific feeling and I also know it's hard to act on - but don't take your reluctance to act on it this time as proof that you never will.

Never take a suicidal feeling lightly. OP please seek help from your GP, or if like me you are struck with it late at night, do take action in the positive and head to your local garda station. They are trained to deal with this sort of situation and it is my experience that they do it very well.

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for the posts, guys. I really appreciate them.

If I get to a point where I feel like I'll actually attempt suicide, I'll immediately call the police or go to my mother. I did it when I was about 17, and felt ready to OD so I told my mother and was sent to a psychiatrist in St. Itas for an assessment. They offered to admit me but I didn't feel happy about that so I declined. I will definitely seek help if it gets to that point again because I have attempted in the past and I really don't want to go there again.

yummymummy, thanks so much for the encouragement I know that I do still want to get past this and stuff, it's just that it feels like doors are being closed on me time and time again. I'm even considering going back to the RCC and I swore I'd never do that after what was said to me in there.

Thanks very much everyone