Is it possible to completely change?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I hope this isnt a long rant but I guess Im just trying to see can people relate to this and wondering is it possible to change? I know in this post I will probably across as some miserable bitter bloke, the truth is Im not, I have good friends, a relatively happy life and on the outside I mostly seem like a chirpy decent bloke.

However here it goes:

To say I have NO confidence would be an exaggeration, Im not that bad, but Im just tired of being afraid of very basic things that people my age(27) probably shouldnt be afraid of.
I have always been a slightly quieter shyer person, that said no matter where I went ive had no problems making friends which I count myself lucky for.
I still have major confidence issues, I back out of any uncomfortable situations, I absolutely detest confrontation of any sort and I am afraid of approaching women.
I have always tried to ignore these problems, sometimes I try and face them but it gets too uncomfortable. I am talking about basic things.

In work, whenever I have to approach my boss about something thats not normal I feel very uncomfortable, I try and hide it but I know Im probably coming across as slightly nervous or just not relaxed. If I have any problems I tend to put up with them instead of doing something about it.
I know others who are kind of the same but that doesnt matter , I dont want to be like that, I want to simply not care about things that are not worth caring about.

I avoid meeting friends I havent seen in ages. Why, I dont know, some of these people might have been very very good friends yet Im almost afraid to meet them sometimes.

I hate confrontations, I really do try and avoid them, like an example would be if I bought something in a shop and there was a problem with it, if I went back in and told me no refunds I would find it very difficult to stand up to it and complain. I would probably walk away and come up with a reason why they might be right (to justify avoiding the situation).
I cant stand up in a serious argument, if Im being disrespected I find it hard to tell people off. I work with a guy who is the opposite , the funny thing is, he probably gets in more trouble than me, probably has one or 2 people that dont like him but I completely envy him, he doesnt care and in general hes liked for it.

Although Im extremely passive I don't think Im someone thats walked all over if you get me, but I think this is more due to my nature of trying to be good, and do things right and fair, this makes it hard for people to treat me badly. This means I generally don't have to deal with the situation in the first place.

I have a fear of approaching women, its not a fear of rejection, i have no hang ups about my looks, I actually think im good looking. Its just a fear of looking awkward, nervous, not being able to chat and creating a silence. Its a fear of looking stupid in front of my friends even though they wouldn't care anyway. I am pretty positive they all know about this fear anyway but would just feel awkward talking to me about it, as would I.
I havent had a girlfriend in years, when I do pull (rarely) its more just pot luck of a girl being very very forward to me.
To make things worse I recently avoided a chance to get with a girl I know liked me, I dont know why. Its like im afraid of life!!

It can very crippling and tiring leading a life like this, normal days can be stressful. I think I may suffer from depression from time to time, but I dont like to use that term too loosely because im not sure I fully understand what being properly depressed is.

I basically just want to stop caring about things that aren't worth caring about. Im tired of being the weaker 'nicer' person that cant tell someone f*ck off when they should be told.

This is all in my own head and I can be sure if anyone I knew read this they would be shocked.

Im just wondering has anyone here tried CBT? And Im also wondering is it possible to do this without a therapist, Im going to be unemployed soon and am quite broke.

Has anyone here tried meditation and if so what has been its long term results? I am not looking for a quick fix, im looking for something that can change me forever so at some stage in my life I can look back and say that that was the old me.

Thanks for reading, nothing beats a nice old rant to get stuff off your chest.

Bellablue

Hi OP,

I know exactly where you are coming from. I've had problems with anxiety and confidence issues for years, and I know how exhausting it can be when you have to struggle so hard with the things that seem to come naturally to others. The more people say to you "Hey, let it go. It's not worth worrying about," the more it builds up in your mind until you are a.) much more anxious about it than you were in the first place and b.) constantly thinking "Well, what's so wrong with me that I can't be as easy going and confident as everyone else??"

Im just wondering has anyone here tried CBT?

Recently, a lot of different things in my life came to a head and I got to the point where I decided I was not going to continue like this and I would have to do something about it. I had actually been referred to a therapist for CBT a couple of years ago but never went. I maintained that the main reason for this was the cost (which was a big factor) but underneath that I was afraid to go because I didn't think I'd be able to cope with going through the process of facing up to the things I was scared of, which I knew the therapist would get me to do.

This morning I went for my 3rd appointment with the therapist, and I have to say even in 3 short weeks the difference is amazing. Last night my best friend said to me that I was in the best form she'd seen me in for at least 7 years and it was so good to have the old me back as I'd been "missing" for so long! :rolleyes:

I'm finally realising that by changing the way I think about/react to situations I can largely avoid the stress/worry I've been experiencing for years. In other words - it's not what happens to you - it's how you handle it.

And Im also wondering is it possible to do this without a therapist, Im going to be unemployed soon and am quite broke

I have tried to do this for myself in the past. I read self help books and websites, I made plans and set goals and I would always make a great start but not get much further than that. I'm not sure yet if I seem to be having more success this time because I had reached the point where I couldn't take it any more or because I needed the therapist as an impartial 3rd party to help me sort through my feelings. I do think though that without her I would never had much this much progress so quickly and believe me it's such a relief - like a huge weight's been lifted off me. Cost wise - if it's possible at all, don't let that be the factor in stopping you seeing someone. My therapist has said that most of her clients are paying just what they can afford at the moment - as am I! It's also worth saying that she told me that most of her clients see noticeable results in a month or so, so while it seems like a lot of money to pay out each week, it won't be forever....(and would be definitely be so worth it)

Has anyone here tried meditation and if so what has been its long term results?

I have also tried meditation in the past, but always found it really difficult due to my over active and anxious mind! I'm trying again with both meditation and yoga at present....so I'll let you know if I have better results this time...;)

I am not looking for a quick fix, im looking for something that can change me forever so at some stage in my life I can look back and say that that was the old me.

That's exactly the right attitude to go into this with. By no means would I say I am "all fixed" in the space of a few weeks, but I feel like I'm on the right track. I feel like by seeing the therapist I'm being given the tools to deal with future problems I will face in life, rather than just a "quick fix" to get through what I'm facing now.

Best of luck with everything....always here if you need a listening ear!

Bella

liah

Right. I was pretty severely socially stunted through my childhood and teenage years, and if I'm honest, it wasn't til I was 21 that I was sick enough of being that way and being misunderstood because of it and not seen as who I am that I made one of the biggest moves I ever had in my life before.. and it will still be a monumental thing for me for years to come, I believe.

What I did was applied for a job online, got the job, and moved here, to Mullingar (the location was chance.. ).

I didn't know a single soul. Not a one. I could barely understand what anyone was saying. I didn't know where the places to go were in town. And this was devastating to me, as I had never been so far out of my depth before in my life. I was a kid who could not answer a phone, order a burger, buy clothes, get a bus ticket, anything 99% of people would never even think twice about, because my shyness was so painfully exaggerated. I have my reasons for it but they're irrelevant and would just take up space, but point is, I know what it's like. I really do.


So basically, long story short/TL;DR version:
Imagine what your absolute worst social nightmare would be, and make it happen*. And if you're wondering why you would voluntarily subject yourself to a potentially horrifying experience? Well.. because it happens to everybody, and when it happens again you'll think "you know what, I've dealt with this before, it may suck now but I'll be just fine afterwards." And once that base of not-quite-confidence... the quiet assuredness, i guess, is present, you can start to build on that to become the best person you have the potential to be.

Just remember not to try for perfection. You won't succeed. Perfection doesn't exist. You're allowed to have flaws, absolutely every single person on this planet has loads of flaws. You are allowed to try to improve on them. Just keep in mind this appreciation of flaws in relation to other people, too. You're not the only one who's worried about something they think is weird about them.

There really isn't any reason to be shy. Most people are lovely, so go out and appreciate them! And let them appreciate you!

Challenge yourself with putting yourself outside your comfort zone every single day, and reward yourself with your favourite ever treat when you go through with it. Scare the living bollocks out of yourself. Because once you've done it, you'll realize it wasn't so bad after all. But the next time you think "I shouldn't," just stop thinking and go do it. And don't be afraid to disagree with people, even if you're scared they might react badly. People don't want a doormat. Saying things just to aim to please will be seen through straight away. You can still be nice without being a doormat. Find your balance.

*obviously this applies within reason, i'm not saying abandon instinct and walk up to a lion's den to scare yourself. know what you want to improve on and target those areas. simple!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, both of them were very insightful and uplifting, Ive read them thoroughly and I think I will definitely go for CBT, sometimes I try and play the problem down in my own head , especially if im in a good mood,but its still always there and its not gonna go away until I deal with it. I said to myself that I would reply to this when im in a good mood so im not just forgetting about it. I guess just simply facing the problems is the best , buts its so much easier said than done. Even this week, as a quick example, my boss said something to me about being late back from a break, he was polite enough about it in fairness, but still I know for a fact he came back later than me the day he said it, and that's the reason I wasn't in a rush. Now hes actually generally a nice guy, but I simply couldn't bring myself to say that back to him, strange.
Since my original post, ive also made a conscious effort to be less passive, just in terms of decision making and small things, less "i dont minds" and more "yes we'll do that", or "no I dont want to do that" etc.
Anyway thanks again!

CluelessGirl

OP it may not be your confidence you may just have low self esteem.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem

This link will explain it to you. I thought I lacked confidence but it was my self esteem.

It is to do with how you feel about yourself......whether you have self belief in who you are and what you can do.

I was kinda like you......did some counselling and haven't looked back. There are many self help books etc you can get but just try first to understand what self esteem is.

Hope this helps.

A book CBT for dummies.............you can read it and see what you get from it.

Beruthiel

OP, liah has it spot on.
It is very possible to change but you do have to force yourself.
From now on quit backing out of situations and throw yourself at them. Go out as much as you can. Talk to everyone (they won't bite). Approach women, you won't die from the encounter and if you get knocked back, so what, plenty more fish in the sea.
Keep pushing yourself.
One day you will wake up and see the huge change in yourself.

LegacyUser

OP, I'm almost exactly like you. Particularly the bit about not meeting friends you haven't met for a while. I do that all the time, to the point where my circle of friends is dwindling, because I almost fee afraid to meet people from my past. I think I'm afraid they'll judge me (negatively) so I avoid the situation at all costs.

I bought 'Feel the Fear and do it anyway' years ago. Nver read it, but recently found it in the back of a drawer, and have started to let it sink in. It seems to be working (so far). I also booked CBT for myself a few weeks back - same as someone else here just said, I cancelled due to lack of finances, but the real reason was that I was terrified it woulndt work.

Anyway, no real advice OP, just wanted to let you know that you are most certainly, NOT alone in how you feel.

AckwelFoley

Yea, it sure is possible to change. I have, i was very very quite when i was younger, i had reasonable confidence but low self esteem, brought about by verbal bullying when i was in my mid to late teens, it made me hate and mistrust people and now that i look back on it it was frightining direction i was heading. Things changes with the peers i surrounded myself with.. for want of a better word - outgoing man whores - I met most of mycurrent mates in college and subsequently. The person i am today is a complete oppsite of what i was, i still remain friends with those i was friends with when i was a shy young chap, however if it were not for the lads i met on my first day in college - there would be no snyper.. snyper is the fun side of me.. the chap you meet when im in good form.

Now im the type of person that has no problem giving their opinion to people whether i think it will be a popular one or not - ive lectired to 100's of peope and ive no problem in talking to women - something that would be an impossible for me before.

People now woudd generally find me out going- ive often had people be almost physically sick with laughter when i get going - its all a simple matter of confidence -Regardlless of what you think you have or dont have you always have something that will appeal to other people, you simply need to learn what that is!

People literally laugh in my face when i tell them how shy and backward around women i was when younger - they often dont believe me when i tell them i suffer from Manic Depression - Why? Because of how i have changed - people just cant talk to me and picture someone who was at anypoint shy.

Yes you can and will change

Just to add to what i said earlier which is a little off topic, people that are shy and lack confidence are prone to been bullied.. since ive become more confident and changed ive never ever had a prblem with verbal bullies... why? Because if someone ever says something "smart" to me i say something ten times worse back to them - i call it the shock value.. they, i've found are unlikely to ever try it again

steddyeddy

If you think you can change and be positive about it then yes you can, if you think you cant and are pessimistic then you cant and wont change, its all up to you op good luck!

45772

hi OP...I can relate to everything you said...im a 27 year old female..currently unemployed and confidence has plummeted as the months roll on by. While being unemployed for the past 13 months is certainly doing my confidence levels no favours, I am basically a quiet individual that can be sensitive to others throw-away remarks to undermine me, which has nearly always been from one or two female colleagues as I worked in a male dominated profession.

Wish you the best;)

Zen65

CBT works OK, but only if you are willing to make the changes that you need to make to your lifestyle and thinking processes.

It seems to me you have problems standing up for yourself in social & work situations. People often refer to this as "low self esteem" but that's not necessarily true. You can love yourself and still be in fear of standing up for yourself. Self-confidence is very different to self-esteem.

Consider taking up a martial art. I'm not suggesting you need to become violent, but a good MA helps you link physical actions (including talking for yourself) to self-belief. This is not as an alternative to CBT, but rather as a support for it. It's also a good way to widen your circle of friends.

Learning a martial art teaches you ways to manage conflict, not just physical conflict. This does not happen quickly though, so combining it with CBT will help bring about results more quickly. Like everything else in life worth having, learning these skills takes time and effort. There is no "Lotto" for self-confidence.

Be at peace,

Z

greengiant09

a lot of good replies from the posters above. i'd tell you my story but it would only repeat whats already been said. definitely do the cbt, it has worked for me. remember you are trying to completely change your life so you will need to put in a bit of work. cbt is not hard but it requires practice, persistence, patience and consistency.

it is possible to see good results in a month or 2 but be prepared to be in it for the long haul. the length of time it will need to be used will depend on the severity of your symptoms. however i guarantee that you will feel better after even a month or so because you will get little break-throughs and start to feel like your changing. you'll also feel a lot more control over these situations that cause you discomfort.

it would be ideal to see someone first to diagnose what condition you are suffering from.......your problems could be symtoms of social anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, etc. these are all subtly linked in together but i have found that ideally you should use cbt which is specific for certain conditions.

you can do a lot of research on the net, you'll be surprised by how many people suffer from these things. there are also a lot of good books out there which address these issues. i actually did cbt myself for my social anxiety through an audio tape series by dr. thomas a richards called 'overcoming social anxiety'. i thought it was excellent but this cbt is specifically addressed to people who have social anxiety.

anyway, whatever you choose, it seems like you have the right attitude to overcome your problems which is probably the most important factor in your recovery!