Hygiene & Cleaniness issue

LegacyUser

Hi guys!

Need some help as to how to deal with this one...

One of my very close friends has a very bad hygiene and cleaniness problem, which has been going on since I have known him.

When I see him, he always has a smell of not having washed for a few days, his clothes dirty and crumpled, really dirty fingernails, and sometimes actual dirt on his skin, dirt on his collar etc. He is the worlds nicest guy, very friendly and lovely, but I am finding it very difficult to be around him anymore... I get a little embarrassed if we are out together (that sounds awful, sorry) and I don't think anybody has ever had the courage to tell him about this, as its a little awkward.

His apartment isnt clean either, and it worries me, as I know that he is looking for a girlfriend, and I want him to be happy, but how is he ever going to get a girl with these bad habits?

I don't want to offend him in any way, but somebody has to talk to him about it.. but I honestly have NO clue where I would start on this...

Could anybody help!?

Martha.

crotalus667

If you really want to help tell him , just try "i am really stressed out I want to help you but i dont want to offend you"

smiles302

Start to say it in a jokey way?

Something like, em pet how in the world did you manage to get dirt on your collar?

mikemac

A friend will pull their friend up when they get out of line.
A false friend will just lie to them and give be a "yes" person.

I've was in bad shape once, pretty overweight but thought I was grand. Then a friend pointed it out to me, it was like a punch to the stomach but I worked through it and solved it.

And that's what you can do here.
But no need to be blunt, be joking about it to begin it. If that doesn't work then a conversation is needed, they'll thank you in the end

MistyCheese

I agree with feelingstressed, but, are you overly clean? Are you impacting standards on your friend?


If not and all your friends are in agreement then, yes, something must be said to this person. It sucks to be ready, willing and able for a serious relationship and stalled openly by something as silly as lack of hygiene.

Overheal

I usually call lapsed personal hygeine one of the first signs of a depression but if he's socializing it doesnt really match. You'd think he'd be self concious about it if that were the case.

His apartment isnt clean either, and it worries me, as I know that he is looking for a girlfriend, and I want him to be happy, but how is he ever going to get a girl with these bad habits?

Ask him if he wants your advice on getting a girl, then start by getting him to clean himself up.

liah

Some of the most confident-looking, sociable people you meet have depression.

Not saying that's what it is, mind. Just saying it's something to maybe consider.

How close are you two? Would you be able to sit down and have an honest heart-to-heart? (it's not bad if you can't!)

If so, then maybe offer up something of your own. Say to him your habit of doing/saying/acting like/being like x is really stressing you out. It'll lower his defenses a bit if you're not badgering him and if you can relate to him by having something you're vulnerable about. Then just say "can I ask you something? I have an awful lot of respect for you, you're an absolutely deadly guy. Is there anything going on with you?"
Make it clear that you will not judge him. Stress that! Tell him everyone feels like <insert feeling here> at one stage or another if it is down to that, and say it's a shame people can't have the confidence or trust in people to share their whole, true selves with people they aren't amazingly close to, that you will keep it to yourself, and that you have the utmost respect for him, and because he's someone you like having in your life you want to help out so everyone else could get the priviledge of getting close to him.

But make sure you uphold everything if you do say that, though. Don't judge him, even if what he's saying is beyond what society deems the right amount of time to be able to talk about stuff with. Remember it really is only human and people shouldn't be made to feel embarassed or a joke if they feel that way.

If it's really, truly nothing to do with depression (and it may definitely not be, so don't bank on what I said too much! I'm no psychologist!), then.. well, next time you're out for a meal or whatever, comment on the smell of the food and ask him what he thinks and watch for his reaction. Also works with aromatic drinks, flowers, potpourri. Or farts. Whatever your kinda situation would be. He may not actually have much of a sense of smell, and just doesn't realize the state he's gotten himself into?

And if it's not that, then I'm not sure. If he's not that great a mate and you don't think it's worth it, don't feel pressured to do anything about it. He'll figure it out in his own time regardless. If he's not that great a mate but you think it is worth it and want to consider him a better friend eventually anyway, well, just be frank with him. Friends won't let friends go around being unknowingly made a fool of, and they're not going to lie to them like everyone else, either. And express that to him. Then go into the earlier suggestion, but tweak it, so keep the "show your vulnerability, we're all human" stuff, and add the "so I'll be honest, don't be offended, but you kinda smell." Probably best to try to make that as funny-sounding as possible, if wit is your gift (it ain't mine!).

If he gets offended, well, so be it. Shrug it off and change the topic. If he doesn't want to recognize it no one can force him, and you know you've done all you could, and everyone's gravy.

Sorry for such a long-winded reply. Overtiredness is all. Someone condense that into like, three sentences, please? Or will I just turn it into a script?

AnonMous

Hey Op,

I could have written that post myself word for word about a friend of mine. He has been like this for years now and it stems from home. His parents are dirty, the house is dirty etc. and there are no signs of it improving.

He is a very nice guy and girls would only be too happy to go out with him, if only he'd clean up his act.

I have debated long and hard over the years with other friends about how we should tackle the problem and it is a very sensitive subject to bring up with someone. One of the lads pulled him up on it years ago when they travelled abroad for a summer and he took it very badly. People on here will tell you "if he's your friend, you'd just say it" but I know it is not that easy.

I think if you wrote an anonymous letter and sent it to him explaining to him about the problem that it would force him to start cleaning himself properly. While the letter would be harsh, very harsh in fact, he'd still get the message without feeling like he was being attacked by all his friends. So, he'd know things were said, but he won't know who by.

Just my opinion anyway :-)

dan_d

Tricky. Does he have any brothers/sisters? I know we used to have a friend, who had questionable hygiene. As in, he was fairly clean himself, but his clothes weren't washed often enough and his hair definitely wasn't (it was longish). One day he suddenly started washing..!!Nobody passed any comment, until he told us in conversation one night that his younger sister (16!) had told him that when you take a hair tie out to let your hair down from a ponytail, your hair should not stay in the same position as if it was still up (grease holding it in place - gross, I know. You can always rely on teenagers!). He was a bit shocked but he's a lot better now.

It's a very tough one though.If he does have brothers and sisters, you could maybe see what they think?

IzzyWizzy

I would advise against 'hinting'. I find that really annoying, and I can't stand when people try to drop 'subtle' hints instead of coming out and saying something. I worked for an awful Spanish woman a few years ago who obviously thought my acne was repulsive and was convinced it was because I wasn't taking care of my skin. She always used to ask what I washed with, and if I ate chocolate she'd say 'oh that's not good for your skin.' One day I snapped and told her it was down to hormonal issues, that I was on some pretty strong medication for acne, and that I had been told by about ten different doctors that changing my diet wouldn't make a blind bit of difference, so to please stop with the irritating hints. I know other people who have been so irritated by people doing that. Some people just have issues with BO although if his nails are dirty and clothes crumpled it does seem like he's not washing enough. But if you try to be subtle, he might not get it, and he'll probably be hurt and confused, knowing you're trying to imply something but not getting it - after all, if he realised how bad his problem was, he'd have sorted it out by now. In my experience, people with bad hygiene often have no idea how bad it is to others, they think people won't notice. Just come out and say it. Tell him in the friendliest way possible that he smells bad and he should shower more often. Might be hard for him to take in but he'll most likely be grateful for it.

LegacyUser

somepeople are just like that. had family member like that just would not have him in house.wate of time trying to change someone like that they have different standards