Reflections in a raindrop

LegacyUser

I have very few friends. I feel very different to other people. It is partly borne of years of insecurity and self esteem issues. Most of which I have dealt with. The days of turning red in front of strangers, of not being able to talk, of being afraid of everyone and every thing, of feeling like a complete ass, are gone. I have read all the self help, done the counselling, and above all, had years to think and think about what I was doing wrong. There is an element still, of subconsciously shrinking into the background a bit, since that is what I programmed myself to do for years, but seriously, the old fears are gone, and I am well able to put myself out there now.

The problem seems to be, that I spent so long in self imposed isolation, that I learned to be self sufficient, and learned too well. I can sit in a quiet, empty room for hours, perfectly contented. I can absorb myself in a book. I can wander alone outdoors, in the city or in the country, and marvel to myself at a stone wall, a telegraph pole, leaves on a tree, an old building, a wire fence. I watch and notice everything, and feel stimulated by the tiniest things in the world around me.

Yet I am not stimulated by the things and constant activity other people need. I go to pubs sometimes, I socialise, I try to participate actively with others. But while I have learnt to be comfortable with others, indeed to go out and seek them, I feel a very definite sense of disappointment in them towards me. I remain someone slightly outside the loop. Nobody looks for my company. If I am in a group, I am accepted, but as I am left alone with one or two others, they invariably get up and leave me. Conversation is often difficult, and while I can talk for Ireland if I need to, I seem to bore people. I have learnt to use humour, to keep things light, but no matter what I do, I meet very, very few people who seem to click in conversation with me.

I would love to meet a girl who liked to stroll quietly hand in hand of an evening, and do absolutely nothing. So many people seem to need far more to stimulate them though. They have to be busy all the time, either working endlessly, or involving themselves in endless rounds of sports, parties, activities. They can't sit still. The very few people who bothered to get to know me, found a very good and loyal friend, and someone who seems to grow on you over time. It is the initial encounters that never work. For whatever reason, you have to get to know me over time, but I cannot seem to put an attractive case on first appearances. Most people are polite, but don't want to know.

I am a loner by default, and generally happy to do my own thing much of the time, but no man is an island, and I am lonely. It's hard to meet other people who live life at a slower pace like me. I don't think I am a boring person. But I think I appear that way if you don't get to know me. Where do you go to meet the quiet ones?

Moomoo1

I can sympathise to some degree. Some people are just not born to be effective or interesting communicators. And by that I mean all forms of communication - voice, intonation, body language, the lot. And the bad news is, imho, that the insecurity and self-esteem issues you talk about are not the cause, but a consequence of being unable to communicate well.

I think the important thing for you is to be as well-read and erudite as you can be, to be as nice and open towards people as you can be, and to basically put yourself out there. Lots of people will no doubt find you un-interesting, but your aim is to find the ones who won't.