Girlfriend says Men Can't be Trusted with Kids

LegacyUser

Ok, this has been bothering me a few days now. The other day somehow the topic of kids came up with my girlfriend. We're both 21, and neither of us wants kids any time in the next decade.

But she said that 'if' she had a kid, she would never leave it alone with a man, as she'd be afraid they were a paedophile, and she wouldn't want to take that risk. I was pretty shocked, and I asked if we had a kid together, would she leave it with me, and she said no.

I can't believe that she feels that way (and is, in a sense implying that I, her boyfriend of over a year could be a paedophile). As far as she's told me, she's never been the victim of any kind of abuse, and I believe her in that.

I tried to explain, that contrary to what the media say, paedophelia, is thankfully, pretty rare, and also, that women can be paedophiles too (she said she'd happily hire a female babysitter). We've had this arguement about three times now, and she's not moving an inch. I don't know what to think. I like her, but i'm not sure if I could be with a woman who'd think like this. I asked her what would happen if I made her pregnant, and she said that she'd raise the baby alone, and wouldn't ask for any money or support off me.

I'm beginning to think she's a bit mental. This is beyond paranoid. Is this a sign that I should get out of this relationship? I'm really confused, cause other than that, she's fine, and we get on great.

Silverfish

Did she mean strange men or men she doesn't know or..?

Does she understand that women abuse kids too?

While it is a concern for every parent I would imagine, its a very extreme view in my opinion.

However, 21 is still quite young, and sometimes some people can have extreme views at that age that mellow over the years.

Acoshla

That is a little crazy alright, there is no rationale behind that idea. My first thought was she must've been abused by someone very close to her, but you say you don't think she was. That is not a normal attitude, I understand people have fears but that is completely irrational to suspect every man of being a paedophile.

I personally would try to talk it through with her, and if I thought that wasn't working I would leave, because I couldn't spend my life with someone as paranoid as that, but that is just what I personally would do.

Ickle Magoo

Hang on...she wouldn't trust you not to abuse your own child, any child - and you are wondering if you should get out? :eek:

Being suspicious of strange people having contact with your kids is fairly normal - assuming your partner is a paedophile to the point you declare you wouldn't leave your child with him, is definitely not. I think she needs some professional help because that level of paranoia is really worrying. More importantly, I'd take a step back, especially out the bedroom, until this is sorted.

LegacyUser

I tried to explain, that contrary to what the media say, paedophelia, is thankfully, pretty rare, and also, that women can be paedophiles too (she said she'd happily hire a female babysitter).

is she maybe (meant as nicely as possible) a bit thick? you know one of those girls who fills her head with heat magazine and what not and thinks tabloid newspapers = world news ?? Because it seems like a bizzare attitude for any reasonably intelligent person to have tbh

Anyways this girl is telling you she wouldn't trust you with your own child!! alarm bells, shes beyond paranoid, i'd seriously think long and hard about whether you want someone like that in your life, sounds like this could just be the tip of the iceberg...

tenchi-fan

This post makes me so angry. There was a time when young women looked for a boyfriend to provide for her. If she didn't have one she had to rely on her family.

Now the government is pushing this line that we cannot expect the children to pay for the mother's mistakes. So the government pays enough money into their bank account to house, clothe, pay medical expenses, run cars and still have enough left over for a social life. And the young, immature woman believes she is better off without a man.. financially anyway. And just so she can justify it further, she invents stories of pedophilia and neglect.

I'm hoping she is just very immature and will grow out of it. I'd say you could count on one hand the number of men in Ireland who would sexually abuse their own flesh and blood.

Personally, I would be very careful about who I chose to babysit a child. And I would chose a woman over a male babysitter precisely over the fact that men are more likely to be pedophiles. But your girlfriend's attitude towards you (as someone who could potentially get her pregnant) is so disrepectful, I think it's crazy you're still going out with her!

carmel27

markyramone wrote: »

Ok, this has been bothering me a few days now. The other day somehow the topic of kids came up with my girlfriend. We're both 21, and neither of us wants kids any time in the next decade.

But she said that 'if' she had a kid, she would never leave it alone with a man, as she'd be afraid they were a paedophile, and she wouldn't want to take that risk. I was pretty shocked, and I asked if we had a kid together, would she leave it with me, and she said no.

I can't believe that she feels that way (and is, in a sense implying that I, her boyfriend of over a year could be a paedophile). As far as she's told me, she's never been the victim of any kind of abuse, and I believe her in that.

I tried to explain, that contrary to what the media say, paedophelia, is thankfully, pretty rare, and also, that women can be paedophiles too (she said she'd happily hire a female babysitter). We've had this arguement about three times now, and she's not moving an inch. I don't know what to think. I like her, but i'm not sure if I could be with a woman who'd think like this. I asked her what would happen if I made her pregnant, and she said that she'd raise the baby alone, and wouldn't ask for any money or support off me.

I'm beginning to think she's a bit mental. This is beyond paranoid. Is this a sign that I should get out of this relationship? I'm really confused, cause other than that, she's fine, and we get on great.

Shes told you that if you had a kid, she wouldnt leave you alone with it? Says alot about what she thinks of you. Id get out now if I were you. Your supposed to be in relationship with this person. Shes supposed to trust you. She shouldnt even have to consider leaving you alone with ye're hypothetical baby. If you dont mind me saying, I think what she said to you sounds very cruel and hurtful.

Miss Fluff

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hang on...she wouldn't trust you not to abuse your own child, any child - and you are wondering if you should get out? :eek:

+1. What does that say about the esteem she holds you in OP or how much she trusts you? She sounds very immature and very unhinged. It sounds like a totally irrational and crazy stance to have. Of course people are wary (and rightly so) of leaving their kids with strangers (I wasn't allowed go to sleep-overs as a kid!) but not to trust the father of a child enough to permit them to be alone with the kid? That's just f8cking crazy!I'd be wary of a building a future with someone with such a strange outlook tbh....

Denimgirl

markyramone wrote: »

Ok, this has been bothering me a few days now. The other day somehow the topic of kids came up with my girlfriend. We're both 21, and neither of us wants kids any time in the next decade.

But she said that 'if' she had a kid, she would never leave it alone with a man, as she'd be afraid they were a paedophile, and she wouldn't want to take that risk. I was pretty shocked, and I asked if we had a kid together, would she leave it with me, and she said no.

I can't believe that she feels that way (and is, in a sense implying that I, her boyfriend of over a year could be a paedophile). As far as she's told me, she's never been the victim of any kind of abuse, and I believe her in that.

I tried to explain, that contrary to what the media say, paedophelia, is thankfully, pretty rare, and also, that women can be paedophiles too (she said she'd happily hire a female babysitter). We've had this arguement about three times now, and she's not moving an inch. I don't know what to think. I like her, but i'm not sure if I could be with a woman who'd think like this. I asked her what would happen if I made her pregnant, and she said that she'd raise the baby alone, and wouldn't ask for any money or support off me.

I'm beginning to think she's a bit mental. This is beyond paranoid. Is this a sign that I should get out of this relationship? I'm really confused, cause other than that, she's fine, and we get on great.

Maybe she heard too many stories about kids being abused by men and she is very nervous of this happening with her own kids one day and I think that is understandable, If anything the fact that you only like her and being with her over a year would be a bigger problem!

SheRa

Denimgirl wrote: »

Maybe she heard too many stories about kids being abused by men and she is very nervous of this happening with her own kids one day and I think that is understandable

:eek::eek::eek: I dont think that it is understandable at all.

OP I think that you need to talk to her about this a bit more, see where she is getting this idea from.

LegacyUser

If anything the fact that the fact that you only like her and being with her over a year would be a bigger problem!

ehh what the woman doesn't trust him and is paranoid that theres a chance he could be a paedo ffs, i think thats a slightly bigger problem

Maybe she heard to many stories about kids being abused by men and she is very nervous of this happening with her own kids one day and I think that is understandable

yeah thats understandable...however not trusting her partner(the man she choses to go out with) enough to look after his own child because he *might* be a paedophile is insane!!!

Ickle Magoo

Denimgirl wrote: »

Maybe she heard too many stories about kids being abused by men and she is very nervous of this happening with her own kids one day and I think that is understandable, If anything the fact that the fact that you only like her and being with her over a year would be a bigger problem!

You seriously think a poster using off-handedly using the term "like" to describe a girlfriend of a year is a bigger issue than his girlfriends declaration that due to the likelihood of the OP being a paedophile she wouldn't trust him alone with his own child?! :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

trebor28

this is crazy.
so she trust you enough that you wont rape her but not enough that you wont rape your own child??
very strange.

PopUp

markyramone wrote: »

As far as she's told me, she's never been the victim of any kind of abuse, and I believe her in that.

This was my first thought. Are you really sure?

Because her views are completely unbalanced. Either her perception of reality has been distorted through severe abuse of herself (or perhaps someone close to her) or she is actually mentally ill.

There's nothing normal about this. Believing no man can be trusted around chlidren is not quirky or weird, it is a sign of genuine paranoid delusions.

Does your girlfriend have any other strange fears? Is she abnormally worried about being mugged or burgled, for example?

fungun

craziness. :eek:

the problem with that statement is that she is saying she doesnt trust you.

I dont think I have ever had a male babysitter, even a cousin/brother - partly cos they dont want to and if they had expressed an interest we might have been a bit hesitant anyway - but to think that my partner wouldnt have trusted me would have been just beyond bizarre.

Reku

There I was getting ready to regale you with stories of the accidents I had as a kid while my dad was "watching me" (i.e. TV with me doing my own thing in the background! lol), but totally different concern about males as child minders I see.
Perhaps you might point her to these:
http://www.independent.ie/world-news/europe/nine-years-for-woman-who-had-sex-with-12yearold-boy-2081977.html

http://www.independent.ie/national-news/incest-mother-is-convicted-of-sex-assault-on-her-two-sons-1433727.html

http://www.independent.ie/opinion/analysis/women-are-ruthless-sexual-predators-too-131056.html

I'm sure there's plenty more such instances if you look for them.

Though on the basis of paedophiles convicted I do have to say there does seem to be a bias of gender in terms of paedophilic behaviour, it is possible that it's public belief that a woman interested in kids just wants one of her own, nothing nefarious, but I don't think that alone could explain the huge difference in the number of males vs females convicted for paedophilic acts.

Kooli

tenchi-fan wrote: »

This post makes me so angry. There was a time when young women looked for a boyfriend to provide for her. If she didn't have one she had to rely on her family.

Now the government is pushing this line that we cannot expect the children to pay for the mother's mistakes. So the government pays enough money into their bank account to house, clothe, pay medical expenses, run cars and still have enough left over for a social life. And the young, immature woman believes she is better off without a man.. financially anyway. And just so she can justify it further, she invents stories of pedophilia and neglect.

I'm hoping she is just very immature and will grow out of it. I'd say you could count on one hand the number of men in Ireland who would sexually abuse their own flesh and blood.

That's a bizarre response to be honest, and I didn't see anything in the OP that could provoke a response about social welfare encouraging single motherhood!
And as for 'on one hand the number of men who would abuse their own flesh and blood' I'm sure the statistics about sexual abuse would disagree on that one.

PopUp wrote: »

This was my first thought. Are you really sure?

Because her views are completely unbalanced. Either her perception of reality has been distorted through severe abuse of herself (or perhaps someone close to her) or she is actually mentally ill.

Seriously? No, really? She is either the victim of abuse, or she has a mental illness? There is no other option?

Yes her perception of risk is WAAAAY out of whack, and more importantly the fact that she includes you, her partner, in this pool of 'potential paedophiles' is particularly worrying.

I would suggest that you are very direct with her about what it is she is actually insinuating, and how that makes you feel as her current partner, and her potential long-term partner. Challenge her on it, and make it clear how angry/hurt/confused it makes you feel, and ask her to expand on it. It may be that she is just someone dramatic who see things as black and white (if you can't be 100% sure then it's best being safe than sorry), or maybe she has been witness to the other side of the fence when someone (not necessarily herself) was abused by someone that no one would ever have suspected.

Try to understand her reasons first. If she won't help you understand, then you have a decision to make...

LegacyUser

markyramone wrote: »

I'm beginning to think she's a bit mental. This is beyond paranoid. Is this a sign that I should get out of this relationship? I'm really confused, cause other than that, she's fine, and we get on great.

Does she watch Jeremy Kyle?
Does she read women's magazines with real life stories?
Does she watch TV3?
Does she take a morbid interest in unusual tragedies such as the killing spree in the Lake District, and feels like she should go there to help people feel better about their misfortune?

She is mental. And hysterical. Why is she going out with you if she thinks all men are paedophiles? Does she think her own father is a paedophile?

Get shot of her as quick as you can. Her hysterical attitude to a few men's actions is totally unjust. She needs a dose of reality.

Victor

unregistered wrote: »

Does she watch Jeremy Kyle?
Does she read women's magazines with real life stories?
Does she watch TV3?
Does she take a morbid interest in unusual tragedies such as the killing spree in the Lake District, and feels like she should go there to help people feel better about their misfortune?

She is mental. And hysterical. Why is she going out with you if she thinks all men are paedophiles? Does she think her own father is a paedophile?

Get shot of her as quick as you can. Her hysterical attitude to a few men's actions is totally unjust. She needs a dose of reality.

Perhaps people might look at themselves with the "calm down" advice.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

Perhaps people might look at themselves with the "calm down" advice.

I told him to get shot of her. I didn't say anything about telling her to calm down.

muinteoir09

Sounds like a mental. I'll be gone in a shot.

Denimgirl

Hold on before everybody starts going overboard! maybe I did'nt explain what I previously posted clearly. yes I feel she is nervous and it's understandable that she is nervous! but not the fact that she would think her bf is a paedo!i get the impression they are a quite young couple!and she is a little immature,and yes I do feel he has issues anyway in his relationship if he only likes her and being with her for over a year! I'd leave the relationship anyway because of that! My opinion!

Ickle Magoo

He's only telling us that he likes her in a post about something else entirely, I wouldn't assume he's making proclamations about her or a statement on their relationship from that.

She very clearly didn't just express a general nervousness, understandable or otherwise, she categorically stated she wouldn't let the OP spend time alone with his own child....

Denimgirl

My Opinion to the OP only Ickle, I don't agree with yours but I don't give a big rant about it on here!

Ickle Magoo

I thought you must have read the OP incorrectly...who's ranting? You posted "hold on before everyone goes overboard" - that's hardly to the OP...

Denimgirl

Because of your persistence of commenting on my posts!My initial posts were not for you they are for the OP!as I stated already!

Ickle Magoo

Oh there is a whole heap of people commenting on your posts - your advice is usually on/around the money, I seriously thought you must have misread the post to make the comments you did - my bad.

Silverfish

Hi,

Can we please keep on topic thanks.

Jack B. Badd

Reku wrote: »

There I was getting ready to regale you with stories of the accidents I had as a kid while my dad was "watching me" (i.e. TV with me doing my own thing in the background! lol)

This was my first thought too on seeing the title but having read the OP's post I'm genuinely wondering if it's a case of the girlfriend just being an idiot. And if so, should she even be allowed to have children - surely this is not a trait that should be passed to another generation :rolleyes: Honestly OP if this is really her opinion, I wouldn't even entertain the thought of having children with her.

Smyth

markyramone wrote: »

I asked if we had a kid together, would she leave it with me, and she said no.

wtf

get your ass outta there OP. That's some seriously warped thinking.

Not only that, but it's an insult of the highest order. Should have told her to jog on the minute she said that.

Silverfish

markyramone wrote: »

I asked if we had a kid together, would she leave it with me, and she said no.
.

Somehow I missed this line. Sorry OP, that's just possibly one of the biggest insults you can make to a partner.

How can you stay with someone who would think this about you?

ordinary_girl

I can't believe she honestly believes that. Are you absolutely sure that she was never abused? Seems like a very odd and ill educated way to think.

Wagon

markyramone wrote: »

But she said that 'if' she had a kid, she would never leave it alone with a man, as she'd be afraid they were a paedophile, and she wouldn't want to take that risk. I was pretty shocked, and I asked if we had a kid together, would she leave it with me, and she said no.

Your girlfriend is insane. Sorry mate. Look on the bright side of life, you find out now rather than a few years down the line when you might have actually had a child with her.

cch

There's not just this...

markyramone wrote: »

I asked if we had a kid together, would she leave it with me, and she said no.

but also...

markyramone wrote: »

I asked her what would happen if I made her pregnant, and she said that she'd raise the baby alone, and wouldn't ask for any money or support off me.

For someone in a long-enough-term relationship to say this is absolutely shocking, sounds like she doesn't realise what it means to be part of a healthy adult relationship and has some warped ideas about men...

Also does she have many female friends and/or relatives that are single parents? If just one of these was particularly bitter about their situation for whatever reason, do you think this may have an influence on her views...?

trio

Oh everyone relax - she's 21 years old. She's a bloody eejit. When I was 21 I was a nightmare. I feel sorry for anyone who went out with me.

I was all DRAMA! and OMG! and "BUT IT'S TRUE IT WAS ON THE NEWS!1!!"

Yes, her opinion is wrong - feel free, OP, to argue about it a bit more. You've argued about it 3 times already and you're not going to have kids for another decade??

In case you haven't realised, you're wasting your breath a bit. She's as thick as two short planks about this but is absolutely 1000% sure she's right. And there's nothing more irritating than a 21 year old (male or female) who's certain they're right in their nonsensical opinion and you're wrong!

If you're not careful you're going to end up breaking up now over an opinion that will most likely change 180 degrees in the next couple of years as she grows the hell up.

Mind you, I have to point out OP - she does sound very stroppy - especially about the "I'd raise the baby on my own and F*** you". Is she trying to wind you up? Cos that's just RUDE!

Why the snottiness???

TitoPuente

Yeah she's young and she's supposed to be a bit dumb in comparison to how she'll be when she grows up a bit. All the same though... I wouldn't want anything to do with her. If she said "strangers" then fair enough but she's already dripping in misandry and that'd still be enough for me to ditch her.

Chinafoot

trio wrote: »

Oh everyone relax - she's 21 years old. She's a bloody eejit. When I was 21 I was a nightmare.

Have to say, I completely disagree with using her age as an excuse. She's 21, an adult..she's not some 13 year old girl who has seen the sex abuse scandals on the news and now thinks every man is like that. You could excuse the persons age there...but a 21 year old?! I don't think so.

OP, thats a very, very warped opinion to have and I would definitely question if there has been some sort of abuse in her life, either involving her directly or someone she knows. If there genuinely isn't then I would advise you to get out of there, as that is one of the most insulting and hurtful things she could say to you. She is clearly not metally able for a relationship.

The Lovely Muffin

Chinafoot wrote: »

Have to say, I completely disagree with using her age as an excuse. She's 21, an adult..she's not some 13 year old girl who has seen the sex abuse scandals on the news and now thinks every man is like that. You could excuse the persons age there...but a 21 year old?! I don't think so.

OP, thats a very, very warped opinion to have and I would definitely question if there has been some sort of abuse in her life, either involving her directly or someone she knows. If there genuinely isn't then I would advise you to get out of there, as that is one of the most insulting and hurtful things she could say to you. She is clearly not metally able for a relationship.

+1.

I'm 19 and couldn't think like this.

And I certainly wouldn't say to a boyfriend/partner (regardless long we were together) that if I had a child with him I'd never leave him alone with the child.

Seems to me that your 21yo gf has some growing up to do - and if she wants to have an adult relationship - she'd want to do that growing up sharpish.

Personally, OP, if I were your position/situation - I'd be out of there so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground.

HavingCrack

Seriously OP get the hell out of there. If she has never been abused as you say your girlfriend has effectively accused you of being a paedophile by saying she would not trust you being alone with your hypothetical child. I honestly couldn't imagine a greater insult than that. Also I don't buy the immaturity argument. She's 21, a grown adult and I'd admit to being absolutely terrified that she has views like this. You'd have to wonder what other opinions shes keeping to herself.

Denimgirl wrote: »

Hold on before everybody starts going overboard! maybe I did'nt explain what I previously posted clearly. yes I feel she is nervous and it's understandable that she is nervous! but not the fact that she would think her bf is a paedo!i get the impression they are a quite young couple!and she is a little immature,and yes I do feel he has issues anyway in his relationship if he only likes her and being with her for over a year! I'd leave the relationship anyway because of that! My opinion!

I would have said her refusing to leave her boyfriend alone with their hypothetical child to be a far far far far more serious issue than him merely writing like on an internet post. Perhaps I'm misreading your posts but you seem to be turning the tables on the OP.