The Fight

tekken021

Critique please

The Fight

The initial rage he felt had by now subsided to a useless sense of violated dignity. He skulked about, affecting anger at his enemy’s failure to show. Inwardly he hoped for a way out. Cowardly absenteeism would grant him the win, make it seem as though he was ready and willing in contrast to his fearful opponent.

He must be scared to fight you, man. Pats on the back. People he knew and others he didn’t know waited in the yard, baying for blood and punishment. Make him pay, man. That ******* needs to get his comeuppance. People he barely knew acting like they were his friends.

- What you gotta do is outbox him ‘cause he’s stronger. Use your speed.
- Nah man, I’m gonna take it to the ground and pummel him.
- Haha cool, as long as you do some damage.

At the time of the insult, the white hot passion of his fury had wanted to beat the invertebrate to a pulp there and then. Unfortunately circumstances didn’t allow. He couldn’t laugh it off; the allegation was too serious, its tone contained no banter or jest. Just cold, calculated malice. He stared at him with hatred. Onlookers knew it got to him. Public emasculation.

There was a sudden buzz amongst the would-be spectators in the yard, and amongst those who had spilled on to the street. He’s coming. He’s turning up after all. Somebody he didn’t know rubbed his hands together eagerly. We have a fight, boys. His stomach lurched, and with an effort he feigned keenness to take vengeance. You gonna sort this guy out? Of course. Declared with mock dismissive confidence. He cast about inside his head for some spur, some venom with which to inject his insipid will. He returned to the insult, tried to recreate the hatred and anger. But it was gone, it had deserted him. He had nothing to fight with. Even his earlier indignation deserted him. He had nothing to fight for. In days past, he had trembled with fury. Now all he had was emptiness.

He took off his sweater. His best endeavour at intimidation, or a desperate attempt to arouse some kind of primal instinct? He wasn’t sure. Loud cheering, yelps of satisfaction and anticipation, his foe coming around the corner.

He remembered his face, just before they commenced. The savage look of a cornered animal, prepared for any act of barbarism. It was not until after that he knew whatever fear he had then was matched at least twofold by this man trying to brutalise him. He had no desire to hurt him, not even the dull ache of elbows to the temple, somewhat disguised by adrenaline, could awaken him to rage.

Blood on his shoes and all over his face. The pathetic fighting stance of a beaten man. The observers, who had watched not with loud encouragement or jeering, but rather with silent fascination, as at a freak show, began to disperse. Someone handed him a sympathetic tissue. The crowd seemed to forget in a moment what they had just witnessed, and spoke now of other things. Picking up his sweater, he ran to follow them.

EileenG

A fight is short, brutal and nasty. The description of the fight should be too. Instead, you have a lot of adjectives, long words and convoluted sentences. Apart from a few of the comments to and from the bystanders, it didn't ring true.

And "..sympathetic tissue"?

tekken021

Hey there, thanks for the response.

EileenG wrote: »

A fight is short, brutal and nasty. The description of the fight should be too.

I pretty much omitted the description of the fight itself because that's not really what the story is about. Well, it is, but the details of the fight itself aren't significant.

EileenG wrote: »

Instead, you have a lot of adjectives, long words and convoluted sentences. Apart from a few of the comments to and from the bystanders, it didn't ring true.

I agree, I have a serious adjective problem

EileenG wrote: »

And "..sympathetic tissue"?

Not sure what you mean here.

Cheers for the response

EileenG

As a reader, I felt short charged, getting the build-up, but not the fight.

There is a place for adjectives (though not as much as most writers think), but in a story like this, I'd stick with short sentences and strong nouns and verbs.

"Sympathetic tissue". Unless the tissue was sentient and felt sorry for him, it was the owner of the tissue who was sympathetic.

tekken021

EileenG wrote: »

"Sympathetic tissue". Unless the tissue was sentient and felt sorry for him, it was the owner of the tissue who was sympathetic.

I didn't want to say "he handed him a tissue sympathetically."

I'd like more feedback, did other readers feel short changed by the absence of an actual fight?

EileenG

tekken021 wrote: »

I didn't want to say "he handed him a tissue sympathetically."

I'd like more feedback, did other readers feel short changed by the absence of an actual fight?

You could say "sympathy tissue". "Sympathetic tissue" gave me a vision of a tissue saying "There, there, it will be all right."

tekken021

EileenG wrote: »

You could say "sympathy tissue". "Sympathetic tissue" gave me a vision of a tissue saying "There, there, it will be all right."

That's pretty much what I want, he gets the tissue because somebody feels sorry for him....the tissue is to clean the blood though, maybe that wasn't clear?

EileenG

Yes, I knew what the tissue was for, but if you use the wrong adjective, you immediately jerk the reader out of the story and into thinking about your vocabulary. Instead of seeing a guy with blood all over his face, I was picturing a talking hanky.

pickarooney

I think you might be labouring the point a little. I personally don't find 'sympathetic tissue' any stranger than 'sympathetic word' or 'sympathetic round of applause'. In each case, an inanimate noun is associated directly with the adjective, but it is understood that the person offering the word, the applause, the tissue is transmitting his sympathy via the object.

This is all ignoring the medical meaning of 'sympathetic tissue' obviously.

I'd have far greater issues with the fact that I couldn't figure out who won the fight, or what it was about in the first place.

tekken021

pickarooney wrote: »

I think you might be labouring the point a little. I personally don't find 'sympathetic tissue' any stranger than 'sympathetic word' or 'sympathetic round of applause'. In each case, an inanimate noun is associated directly with the adjective, but it is understood that the person offering the word, the applause, the tissue is transmitting his sympathy via the object.

This is all ignoring the medical meaning of 'sympathetic tissue' obviously.

I'd have far greater issues with the fact that I couldn't figure out who won the fight, or what it was about in the first place.

Yeah, I should probably sort that out

Overall though, do you think the bones of a half decent short story are there?

pickarooney

tekken021 wrote: »

Yeah, I should probably sort that out

Overall though, do you think the bones of a half decent short story are there?

I think so, but I would definitely try change the opening line, to give it more punch. There are also a few parts where it's not clear if the action is in the present or the past:

He stared at him with hatred

Maybe add a little more dialogue and concentrate on making the sentences shorter and more compact (jabs rather than wild swings).