Female and don't want kids

LegacyUser

I'm female in my mid 30s and I've no desire to have children. I never wanted children.
This poses a lot of problems in terms of men - so many Irish men want kids (and that's their option) but where does that leave me? Men my age and older often have kids from previous relationships and I don't want to be involved in that kind of relationship easier.

It's getting increasingly frustrating. I find that when you say you don't want kids men either don't believe you or they think you're only looking for a casual relationship.

Also, my friends really don't accept my choice. They are always waxing poetic about how great kids are and that I need to have one and that I'd make such a good mother and how my life won't be complete without one. I just wish they'd shut the f*ck up!
I actually dislike kids. Hate being around them.

I like my life as it is - I can come and go as I please, I answer to no one. I'm actually reticent to even get into a relationship because I'm afraid of how that would change my life in terms of being able to do what I want to do.

So what do I do? Lie to men and my friends and say I maybe want kids so they won't think I'm a freak (because people think all women want kids and if they don't there's something wrong with them) or just tell my friends where to go and resign myself to being single forever?

alibaba12

Definately dont lie to suit other ppl, you are who you are nothing can change that. Tell your friends you are happy, dont lie to a man about it, if the subject comes up tell them honestly how you feel.I doubt you will be single for ever not every man wants children or can have children.Im a female am 30 and tbh dont think I want children, my fiance really really wants to start a family, hes only 24 I keep saying wait a while he is young enough.Like yourself I like to come and go as I please, I couldnt bear the thought of having to come home from work of an evening and look after a screaming kid and having to say goodbye to my chill out weekends.Your not alone, not all of us are hardwired into wanting kids!

Malari

First of all, you are not on your own with this one. Have a quick search in the Ladies Lounge on this topic and you will find lots of women who don't want children. I'm exactly like you - never want them, don't like them, and have an abundance of married acquaintances who think they know better than me!

dontwantkids wrote: »

So what do I do? Lie to men and my friends and say I maybe want kids so they won't think I'm a freak (because people think all women want kids and if they don't there's something wrong with them) or just tell my friends where to go and resign myself to being single forever?

Don't lie, please! It's not fair on a potential partner first of all, and might get you into problems further in the relationship. Be honest if the topic comes up but you don't need to appear hostile to children. At least not till you get to know the guy better Just remember, there can often be nieces and nephew in the family, even if a guy doesn't want kids himself!

I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years with a guy who thinks like me and was in his late thirties when I met him. You are not a freak, you just are making different choices, and hopefully you will find someone who wants to be child-free too. But, look, you say you are currently quite happy with your life, so enjoy it! Go on dates and just think about the positives. I actually think that for everyone who is certain they want a child, there is someone who never really thought about it properly but are just surprised by your certain attitude. I bet it's not always a "no way would I be with her" reaction. Remember, you are not a freak, but you are a bit unusual! And there's nothing wrong with that.

LegacyUser

OP, I totally understand. I'm in my mid 30s also and I've never wanted children.

Ireland is a small country, and it's a numbers game no doubt about it. I can honestly say that even the most hands-on, loving dads I know don't have their lives disrupted in the way that women do. Not to mention no man will ever have his body/health risked by pregnancy and childbirth. I find it depressing how blinkered a lot of guys are about the reality of parenting - and I'm not singling out Irish guys btw!

I can see how you'd be reluctant to take on someone else's kids - you don't want to raise your own, after all, so why take on anyone else's? I'm very fortunate in that my man has a daughter who'll be 18 soon, so it's not like she's really small. he's ten years older than me, and has absolutely no desire for more kids - if he had, I'd have to leave him cos I'm not changing my mind for anyone, harsh as that may sound. Before I met him, I'd resigned myself to the fact that I may never get married, which was tough cos even though I've ruled out kids, I've never ruled out marriage. But funnily enough, the older I get the less I care about getting married. Weird, huh?

I don't know if this is any consolation to you, but if you look at childfree forums you'll see that you're far from alone - other women are experiencing the same difficulties, regardless of where they're from.

your friends really need to be more respectful of your life choices IMO. No, you should not just have a kid if you don't want any. I wish people would understand that some women just do not want kids - ever!

Whatever you do, OP, please don't lie about wanting kids - it's not fair to yourself or any potential partner. I honestly believe that there's someone out there for you, and you'll probably find him when you least expect it.

Being childfree can be difficult and painful and isolating - but as hard as it can be, it can't be half as hard as having kids when you've no desire to just cos society expects it.

Stay strong

Stu

OP, there is definately nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I'd say there are lots of guys out there who don't want kids but where do you find them and how long should you go out with a guy before telling him you don't want kids. Its a tricky situation.

I don't have any children yet and when i see some of the spoilt brats that pass for children today i wonder if i'd be suited to parenting. When you meet a guy, try to slip something into a conversation early on about not wanting kids and gauge his reaction. Something like "a little kid threw a stone at me today, god i wanted to kill him, i'm glad i don't have any kids". Actually it might be a good idea to ask for suggestions on how to let a guy know you don't want kids without the guy thinking your trying to plan your life together after a few dates :eek: . There would be nothing worse than falling for a guy to find out a few months down the line that he loves children and would love a large family.

prinz

dontwantkids wrote: »

I'm female in my mid 30s and I've no desire to have children. I never wanted children.
This poses a lot of problems in terms of men - so many Irish men want kids (and that's their option) but where does that leave me?

With a smaller group to choose from. You put a limitation of what kind of men you want then it's tough but you have to accept that you are greatly reducing the possibilities for yourself. There are men who don't want kids either. It's up to you to find them tbh. If you're single forever then it's largely self inflicted tbh.

wylo

I think alot of people hate kids but I think having your own is a completely different story, anyway that aside, you've made the decision you dont want them and unfortunately that choice is extremely off-putting for the vast majority of men.
I'm in my mid 20s and if I was in a very serious relationship and she was insisting on this I would probably have to call it a day before that decision becomes more important. So I can imagine for guys in their 30s it must be a big enough surprise to them, and enough to stop things from getting more serious.

username123

Im female and in my mid 30s and I dont want kids either. Nor does my husband. Ive two other married friends who feel the same (so do their husbands).

Its becoming more common these days as women have different choices available to them. My mother never wanted kids but felt she had no other options. Im sure there were a lot of other ladies from her generation who felt the same (actually my MIL felt the same).

Its ok not to want kids - not everyone does. No one really gives me any stick over it, its just a different choice.

John Mason

just do what me and my partner do - when people ask the question, we just tell them that i cant have children.

trust me the conversation ends there and then people dont want to know details:D

sometimes if people are really annoying me i say, i cant have children and thank you for bring up such personal and private matter in a public place:)

aidan24326

wylo wrote: »

...you've made the decision you dont want them and unfortunately that choice is extremely off-putting for the vast majority of men.

For some men definitely, but the vast majority? Not so sure about that. There has been more than one poll on this issue on boards in the past, and you'd be surprised the number of people who either definitely don't want kids or expressed significant doubt as to whether they do. This included a fair few men and a surprisingly high number of women also.

OP, you don't have to lie to anyone. If you don't want kids that's your choice to make. Those smug mothers who chide you for not wanting kids are not respecting your decision, and I'll bet you that one or two of them may sometimes even be just a little bit secretly jealous of the freedom and spare time you have.

irishh_bob

dontwantkids wrote: »

I'm female in my mid 30s and I've no desire to have children. I never wanted children.
This poses a lot of problems in terms of men - so many Irish men want kids (and that's their option) but where does that leave me? Men my age and older often have kids from previous relationships and I don't want to be involved in that kind of relationship easier.

It's getting increasingly frustrating. I find that when you say you don't want kids men either don't believe you or they think you're only looking for a casual relationship.

Also, my friends really don't accept my choice. They are always waxing poetic about how great kids are and that I need to have one and that I'd make such a good mother and how my life won't be complete without one. I just wish they'd shut the f*ck up!
I actually dislike kids. Hate being around them.

I like my life as it is - I can come and go as I please, I answer to no one. I'm actually reticent to even get into a relationship because I'm afraid of how that would change my life in terms of being able to do what I want to do.

So what do I do? Lie to men and my friends and say I maybe want kids so they won't think I'm a freak (because people think all women want kids and if they don't there's something wrong with them) or just tell my friends where to go and resign myself to being single forever?

just curious , are your reasons for not wanting to have kids got anything to do with your own upbringing , im not trying to put you on the couch but i myself dont want kids and its mainly due to the fact that i grew up in such a dysfunctional home and with such a poor father , i know i wouldnt be any good of a dad myself

Stheno

That's not the only reason for not wanting kids bob, I'm 36, the oldest of ten, and my youngest brother is 20 years younger than me. My oldest niece nephew is 8 years younger than him so all my life as a younger person I was surrounded by babies, and learned how dependant they are on you.

I learned that I was/am far too selfish to put another person in front of me and take care of them and so I have chosen not to have children, I simply do not want to have the level of responsibility that having a child entails and the subsequent loss of freedom that arises.

I have many friends with and without children, and I get on well with the children I interact with, but do not ever want to have a child of my own.

There are many reasons why women and men do not want children, trying to pigeonhole it is not worthwhile as a result imo

OP I had a very long term relationship break up (11 years) as my partner at the time decided they wanted children and I didn't you'd be amazed at how many people feel as you do, be honest is what I would advise.

crotalus667

OP i am male and i dont want kids , there are loads of us out there .
I have a dog and thats as close to having kids that i want to get

dellas1979

I suppose I can understand in a way why you dont want children - I dont have any myself, early 30s and the thought of having something dependent on me terrifies me when I can come and go as I please, party all night, pick up and go on hols anytime, quietness time, having spare money and things like that.

The thing I think about is that if I never have kids, old age would be very lonely plus there would be no legacy of myself...how do ye get your heads around this part of the conundrum? Just wondering because I too am not sure if I ever want kids - I am not the maternal type - but when it comes to what I just said there, it kinda frightens me.

Mrs Garth Brooks

I think i would seriously find it hard to keep a man if he wanted kids. The reason is i still don't know if i want kids or not. They are cute but alot of responsibility which i don't want. You lose your freedom also and i have already wasted most of my 20s at home. I am moving out in a few weeks time and finally getting that freedom from home. I certainly dont want kids anytime soon to weigh me down. I dont think i ever want them.

bronte

Hey Op, you're definitely not on your own.
There are guys out there who don't want to have kids, but as others have mentioned, you really need to be honest about it from the start.
It's complicated enough without things like this popping up.
I had a break up about a year ago Re: the whole kids thing.
I had been honest from the start but sadly he had convinced himself somehow that I would change my mind.

As far as I'm aware there are Childfree websites.
Maybe these websites/forums have meet ups like on boards?
It's an idea anyways.

If my friends are going on about how I'll change my mind etc, I either smile and quickly change the subject, tell them they're being disrespectful, or out and out let them know exactly what I think depending on the level of patience I've got that day.
It's annoying but not all of them are like that thankfully.

You don't have to change how you feel to suit others and you most certainly will not end up single forever if you follow what you know is right for you.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

With a smaller group to choose from. You put a limitation of what kind of men you want then it's tough but you have to accept that you are greatly reducing the possibilities for yourself. There are men who don't want kids either. It's up to you to find them tbh. If you're single forever then it's largely self inflicted tbh.

I find this really offensive and quite hurtful, particularly the last sentence. You say if I remain single it's self-inflicted!! Are you suggesting I just have kids or take on someone elses just so I can get into a relationship??? That is not a good reason to have children!
You have children because you want them, you want to care for them and provide love to them and devote yourself to them! You don't have them because you are afraid of being alone in old age or certainly, so you can get a partner! I really just could not believe my eyes when I read that. This is exactly the judgemental stuff that I'm talking about. I hope the other posters are right and there are plenty of people out there who don't think like you - that basically I should be punished for not having kids!

Thank you to everyone else. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I'm not a poster on boards (am a lurker on one or two of the forums) so I was unaware that this issue was covered in the Ladies Lounge. I think us girls with similar thinking should set up a support group, lol!

To the poster who said she doesn't want them but is afraid of being lonely in old age. I don't think that's a good reason to have children. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on your children. Having kids is no guarantee that you won't be alone in old age. Firstly people die before they reach old age, also sometimes kids die before parents. Kids also move out of home and move away. How would you be less lonely if your children moved to Australia, for example. I look at my mom and how all her kids live half way across the earth from her. She's widowed 12 years and is still in her mid 60s. She's anything but lonely though. She has lots of friends and is involved in lots of groups and activities. She has a better social circle than I do....and that's the trick really. Children won't solve this.

So as someone raised, how then does one go about letting someone know they don't want kids without scaring them off thinking you're planning the wedding with them after one date?? Is there a point at which this should be raised to avoid hearbreak or fear (of being with a bunny boiler lol!)

TitoPuente

I have to be honest, I'd be hugely turned off by a woman if she said she didn't want to have children for the reasons that are being used here. "I'm way too selfish" or "I don't want anyone to depend on me so I can come and go as I please" - eh, these aren't good things people. These are things that would make one a rubbish partner as well as a rubbish mother.

I'm trying not to be judgemental and if there are women out there that don't have the maternal instinct then that's entirely up to them. I just think that the majority of men would run a mile. Society has already become self-obsessed and selfish enough - but I really don't think I could take a women seriously who sees children as more of a chore than a blessing.

Toxica

I never want to have kids either. It's not that I hate them or anything, I just can't see myself having them, I don't think I would be a very good mother at all. I'm even thinking about going to the UK to get sterilised. People can be pretty harsh when you say you don't want kids, the people who already have kids take offence and the people who don't normally say something like "Don't you want to have someone to look after you when you're old?" and that's a more selfish reason to have kids than the decision to not have kids is!

bronte

TitoPuente wrote: »

I have to be honest, I'd be hugely turned off by a woman if she said she didn't want to have children for the reasons that are being used here. "I'm way too selfish" or "I don't want anyone to depend on me so I can come and go as I please" - eh, these aren't good things people. These are things that would make one a rubbish partner as well as a rubbish mother.

First off, it's not selfish.
How is not wanting children selfish?
This is something I've never understood.
It would be selfish to bring a child into the world to keep someone else happy.
It would be selfish to bring a child into the world if you were less than 100% committed to them.
It is not selfish to want to maintain your freedom.

Being in a relationship is massively different from being a parent.
My boyfriend is an independent person capable of looking after himself.
The fact that I have no desire to have kids doesn't make me some kind of cold hearted monster. It is a very loving close relationship.
I think you need to open your mind.
It's not that black and white.

TitoPuente wrote: »

I'm trying not to be judgemental and if there are women out there that don't have the maternal instinct then that's entirely up to them. I just think that the majority of men would run a mile. Society has already become self-obsessed and selfish enough - but I really don't think I could take a women seriously who sees children as more of a chore than a blessing.

Thing is men don't run a mile.
This is my experience.
What can happen though is they start thinking "I'll be the one to change her mind" which just leads to heartbreak for both parties.

It's not about seeing children as a chore or a blessing , it's just a lack of a desire to have them be a part of your life, that's all.
They're a pretty big deal...something to be taken seriously.

You're either going to really want them or really not want them.

TitoPuente

bronte wrote: »

First off, it's not selfish.
How is not wanting children selfish?

I didn't say it was selfish to not want children. I was simply paraphrasing someone else on the thread who admitted she was 'too selfish' to want to have children.

bronte wrote: »

It's not about seeing children as a chore or a blessing , it's just a lack of a desire to have them be a part of your life, that's all.

Which is fair enough. It's not for everyone.

irishh_bob

TitoPuente wrote: »

I have to be honest, I'd be hugely turned off by a woman if she said she didn't want to have children for the reasons that are being used here. "I'm way too selfish" or "I don't want anyone to depend on me so I can come and go as I please" - eh, these aren't good things people. These are things that would make one a rubbish partner as well as a rubbish mother.

I'm trying not to be judgemental and if there are women out there that don't have the maternal instinct then that's entirely up to them. I just think that the majority of men would run a mile. Society has already become self-obsessed and selfish enough - but I really don't think I could take a women seriously who sees children as more of a chore than a blessing.

having kids is not unselfish ( or generous for that matter ) in itself , in fact i would say , some people are selfish to have kids as they may not be emotionally , financially or in other ways, equiped for parenthood

TitoPuente

irishh_bob wrote: »

having kids is not unselfish ( or generous for that matter ) in itself , in fact i would say , some people are selfish to have kids as they may not be emotionally , financially or in other ways, equiped for parenthood

I agree completely. What I was saying is that not wanting to have kids beause you're admittedly selfish would be a bit of a turnoff to a lot of men. Like raising children, keeping relationships together can take a good deal of sacrifice.

irishh_bob

TitoPuente wrote: »

I agree completely. What I was saying is that not wanting to have kids beause you're admittedly selfish would be a bit of a turnoff to a lot of men. Like raising children, keeping relationships together can take a good deal of sacrifice.

the person who said that may be unjustified in branding themselves as selfish , they may have subscribed to the cliche that not wanting kids is inherintly selfish , while not quite up there with the cliche of suicide being cowardly , its an age old and ingrained one none the less

tman

Whatever you do, don't lie about it! There really is no point in building a relationship around a lie.

This came up after a few months of me being with my GF and I respected her choices, neither of us really pushed it into conversation, it just sort of came up one day... I'm sure you'll have no problems finding someone like me who is prepared to forgoe children for the sake of a relationship with a wonderful person, or someone like you who just plain doesn't want them.

Best of luck

Mascarpone

I never want to have kids, nor does my partner.

I find them annoying,expensive and life confining

From what ive seen recently,many men dont want kids but their partners insist on it and they go along with that

username123

Mascarpone wrote: »

From what ive seen recently,many men dont want kids but their partners insist on it and they go along with that

I totally agree with this. For people who feel they are not going to be fulfilled unless they have children, that can be a difficult thing for a partner to turn down and many people do have children to please the other partner - or to please family, or to follow societal norms.

Im not remotely maternal. I dont feel guilty about that. I have no interest in having children. I am totally fulfilled without children. I dont need a child to focus on to define myself. Nor do I feel the need to pass on my genes. Im perfectly happy to live my own life (full and busy that it can be) and do my own thing. For me to have a child would be a terrible affliction on the child, as Id have very little interest in it.

My husband is even less interested in children than I am, he actively dislikes the idea of having children. He doesnt even like calling to his family if he thinks kids will be there.

Its different strokes for different folks, not everyone wants children. Not only that but not everyone can have children and that doesnt stop them having loving relationships.

scentedcandle

dontwantkids wrote: »

I'm female in my mid 30s and I've no desire to have children. I never wanted children.

Me too. And me neither.

We all have our own different reasons, mine a f*****d up childhood,
whereby I am left with a depression that wont lift.
Apart from being unemployed and having no education
(not exactly anything to offer),
I also feel somehow having childeren would 'weaken' me - I would be less attractive to men if a hypothetical relationship with childs father broke down,
I'd feel like a whole 'package'! Love me, love my kid too!
Not for me.
Havent had a life yet so to speak, I've got a lot of catching up to do.
I cant stay this way forever (nor for much longer either).
If I could be 18 again and go straight to college I would.
Have the career, I would. But the babbies after career? No way ever.

Beruthiel

dontwantkids wrote: »

So what do I do? Lie to men and my friends and say I maybe want kids so they won't think I'm a freak

You are not a freak.

because people think all women want kids and if they don't there's something wrong with them

Who gives a damn what other people think?

or just tell my friends where to go

It really is none of their business how you lead your life or what you wish to do with it. If they insist on butting in then sure, feel free to tell them that you do not desire children. There are many women out there who feel the same as you.

resign myself to being single forever?

There are men out there who also do not desire children. I found one.

prinz

dontwantkids wrote: »

I find this really offensive and quite hurtful, particularly the last sentence. You say if I remain single it's self-inflicted!! Are you suggesting I just have kids or take on someone elses just so I can get into a relationship??? That is not a good reason to have children!

No, that's not what I am suggesting. I am suggesting it will probably be harded for you to find a man who doesn't, although obviously still possible, but at the end of the day the reason it will be harder is because of your choice, nobody else's. Putting any restrictions on potential partners reduces the choice basically, and you cannot blame anyone else for that.
You asked where it left you? I answered: It leaves you with a harder job to find a partner.

dontwantkids wrote: »

I really just could not believe my eyes when I read that. This is exactly the judgemental stuff that I'm talking about.

It's not judgemental. it's realistic. You are reducing the pool of men, so you are reducing your chances of finding a partner. That's the reality of the situation. That's not judging you it's calling it as it is.

dontwantkids wrote: »

I hope the other posters are right and there are plenty of people out there who don't think like you - that basically I should be punished for not having kids!

Nobody has an automatic right to a partner, so saying you are limiting your choice is not the same as "basically saying you should be punished" for not wanting kids. You are not being 'punished' for not wanting kids, you are living with the consequences of your own choices. Completely different. Neither is it the same as saying you should have kids just to get a man.

If a lady came on and said she was only interested in relationships with guys over 6'6", blond hair, green eyes or whatever and wondering why she was still single and where it left her??.... Same answer, it leaves you with a much smaller pool of men to choose from and much more likely that you will stay single for longer.