Why Cant i just leave

LegacyUser

Long story but been with my OH for about 3 years now, living together the last 9 months. I love my boyfriend or so i thought anyways but lately ive been really thinking about our relationship and i think i could actually hate him! He has a seven year old son who he thinks is the bomb but i cant stand the child, in fact i think its safe to say i despise him. He is bold, unmannerly,rude, loud, the most annoying things about him is that he will not go outside the door to play he just sits in front of the TV all day regardless of the weather and my boyfriend allows it. The child also listens into adult conversations and interupts you when your talking. It drives me mad and because he has him every weekend now im forced to go stay with friend or family every single weekend cos i just cannot tolerate being around that child. ( and before anyone says it no im not a fan of children) Ive threatned to leave a few times and my boyfriend has stopped me saying things will change etc and things only get worse, by trying to be romantic he went and booked us a holiday for the end of July and i was over the moon (havent had a holiday in years) then he says me, himself and the kid will have a ball. Im not going on the holiday i refuse to go as it will be a nightmare. Basically my question is surely if i loved my boyfriend then id love his child cos its part of him?????

LegacyUser

stupid girl wrote: »

Basically my question is surely if i loved my boyfriend then id love his child cos its part of him?????

Short answer-yes.

I'm truly gobsmacked at a grown woman saying she 'despises' a little boy. I'm also gobsmacked that you called him 'it'. He doesn't does all these things to annoy you, it's just the way he is. The worst thing is, the child knows in his heart and soul that you despise him. Yes he can probably be an annoying little so and so, but HE'S JUST A CHILD!

I don't know what your partner sees in you, to be honest.

dublingal80

wow

Id think if i was in your situation i would spend the weekends witht he boyfriend to get to know his son better and hopefully grow to love him

you say - i despise him.

walk... dont stay with the bf anymore. if you cant try to make a go of it you have to leave. they are a package deal. what happens if you and the bf got married? Would you still spend every weekend at friends or family?

MissFlitworth

You 'despise' a 7 year old? heh? He's only a kid, what could he possibly have done to deserve that.

Maybe he's not going outside to play as he's only in your house at the weekends and so more than likely doesn't know anyone to play with? Or maybe in the 2 days he gets to spend with his Dad he wants to be inside, around him and talking to him. What's wrong with him interrupting adult conversations anyways? Should he sit quietly in the corner until it's time for him to leave? To be honest if I was your boyfriend I'd be very wary about having you round my kid at all, your attitude is awful. I also can't imagine what your boyfriend thinks he should change to keep you around? Less time with his kid? Kicking him out the door at the weekends so that you (a grown up who should seriously know better) are comfortable being at home?

If you can't find a way to get on with his kid you should seriously consider leaving.

AngryBadger

The thing is, when you get into a relationship where there are already children involved it can be very difficult to work things out because

1) YOU are not the priority, the child is, and proper order. This is no reflection on you, it applies to any similar situation, unfortunately it also means you may wind up playing second fiddle.

2)Certainly a relationship can develop to the point where both your partner, and their child can see you as a parent/spouse and things can proceed accordingly, but this can take a LONG time, and is going to be complicated by the fact that, like it or not, you are essentially trying to become part of an established relationship between parent/child, which has been developing over however many years, and where you are automatically on the backfoot.

In your specific case you seem to resent your partners child because you're basically competing for attention. The child is obviously a higher priority for your partner, (and who can blame him for that whether he is a good parent or not), and this is frustrating for you because it means you're fighting an uphill battle all the way.

As evidenced perfectly by the example you gave of him booking a holiday, and you being delighted at first, but throwing a wobbly when you realised the child was coming too.

I think your difficulties are more to do with the situation than the child, (regardless of how bold he may be), which tells me you need to find a partner who doesn't already have a life-long commitment to his own children.

Ickle Magoo

Despising a 7 year old? Your other-half dared to suggest himself and his son would have fun? You sound like a jealous child yourself. Seriously OP, if you want the relationship to work then stop trying to pull the "me or him" stunt because there will only ever be one winner - and it won't be you.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I was in the EXACT same situation. Going unreg coz no one likes admitting they despised a child. I walked away, there is just no way to make yourself stop feeling jealous/resentful/hatefilled etc if that's what you feel, you can pretend you don't feel that way but you do. I walked away and met a guy who sees me as his absolute priority in everything, I've never for one second regretted the decision, it feels so good to be number one when you were number two for so long (tee hee number 2). Anyways I suggest walking away before you end up turning into a nasty person, I nearly did, that's why I'm so glad I walked away. I would suggest you do the same.

Best of luck.

Taltos

What's changed - he had a son when you met him - so no surprise there.
As to the son's behaviour - just sounds like an average lazy 7 year old - who may be also craving attention - good or bad.

Hence the staying in and involving himself in conversations and interrupting. Kids are not stupid - I am sure at some level he knows you despise him and in his own way he may either be trying to ingratiate himself with you - but making it worse or maybe he has picked up on this and hates you too.

What are you asking the Dad to do here? Choose between you or his son?
Cause we both know he will choose his son.

Feeling this strongly about the child I really believe you have 2 choices.
1. Seek to improve this by intensive counselling for the 3 of you.
2. Leave - leave now - go home - pack a bag and walk out. Change your number and just stop messing this family around.

I really hope you choose 2 as my Dad was brought up in a family like this where he was despised and his childhood was miserable as a result. So bad it scarred him for life. Is that how you want to be remembered? - That "B1tch" that ruined my childhood???

Leave.

Neyite

if you are not a fan of children, then this man is not the one for you.

other peoples kids are a tricky area, my own nieces and nephews i think are very well behaved, but some other kids can wreck my head. and i generally like kids.

kids are very perceptive - so your hatred of the child will be sensed - at the very slightest, he will know that you are indifferent to him. do you think that he might dread going to his dads knowing that someone there doesnt like him? do both of you a favour and move out.

SarahSassy

stupid girl wrote: »

I love my boyfriend or so i thought anyways but lately ive been really thinking about our relationship and i think i could actually hate him!

That sounds like one of the most childish things I have ever heard - which of ye is the 7 year old?

stupid girl wrote: »

He has a seven year old son who he thinks is the bomb but i cant stand the child, in fact i think its safe to say i despise him.

This is a really shocking statement...

stupid girl wrote: »

He is bold, unmannerly,rude, loud, the most annoying things about him is that he will not go outside the door to play he just sits in front of the TV all day regardless of the weather and my boyfriend allows it.

Well maybe your boyfriend should be bringing him outside to play. He obviously doesnt want to go outside alone to play. Does he have any friends where you live?

stupid girl wrote: »

The child also listens into adult conversations and interupts you when your talking.

Again, your boyfriends fault. I would have no qualms about saying 'Johnny, dont interupot when we are talking' and say this a few times and he will get the message.

stupid girl wrote: »

It drives me mad and because he has him every weekend now im forced to go stay with friend or family every single weekend cos i just cannot tolerate being around that child.

I assume you knew he had a kid 3 years ago, so why did you get involved to this level if you dont like kids?

stupid girl wrote: »

me, himself and the kid will have a ball. Im not going on the holiday i refuse to go as it will be a nightmare.

He is doing his best to have a relationship with his child and invcude you. I have the height of respect for him for not dumping his son when a woman came along...

stupid girl wrote: »

Basically my question is surely if i loved my boyfriend then id love his child cos its part of him?????

Not necessarily but you should have respect for his son and for their relationship and not be putting yourself first all the time.

Miss Fluff

Your post has actually floored me. How could you "despise" a little tot of seven? Please please do the decent thing and break up with your boyfriend. Neither him or his little boy need someone so toxic and intolerant in their lives.

LegacyUser

Hey,

Can all of you who've never been in that situation stop tearing the OP a new one!!! She knows it's wrong to feel the way she does, being told she selfish and childish isn't going to help stop her feeling resentful in fact it will just make it worse. It's all very well to put a child first when it's YOUR child, easy to do, the chemicals in your brain alone help you be selfless. This isn't HER child. She didn't know she'd end up feeling like this when she got into the relationship, she doesn't feel like this on purpose, she's being honest and asking for advice, so can the judgemental people here just cop on. She WANTS to do the right thing, she's looking for some support and advice, she obviously can't get that from people around her because as evidenced by the reaction here, she'll just be treated like a leper.

DEAR OP,
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be number one to your number one, I know how ****ty being a number two makes you feel, I've been there. From the bottom of my heart and with all the will in the world I could't make myself love the child and I walked away. Please do the same thing, you have to do what's best for YOU, don't bother feeling guilty, there's nothing to feel guilty for, staying and f*cking up the relationship between your OH and son or taking it out on the son, now that would be wrong. Leave before that happens because if you do stay it will happen and EVERYONE will be against you. You cannot win your OH's number one spot, it's just the way it is. Please just walk away and find someone who can give you their highest priority as you will give them.

Also don't mind all of the above, you're not a bad person. It's very easy to imagine that you'd fall in love with a child and make them your number one priority when you've never been in the situation but I'd say everyone that's bashing you above has never been there.

You need to put yourself FIRST, no one else will, ESPECIALLY your OH, his number one spot is already unalterably filled, sad but true.

Big HUG OP, very hard situation but I can't urge you strongly enough to walk away.

LegacyUser

stupid girl wrote: »

Long story but been with my OH for about 3 years now, living together the last 9 months. I love my boyfriend or so i thought anyways but lately ive been really thinking about our relationship and i think i could actually hate him! He has a seven year old son who he thinks is the bomb but i cant stand the child, in fact i think its safe to say i despise him. He is bold, unmannerly,rude, loud, the most annoying things about him is that he will not go outside the door to play he just sits in front of the TV all day regardless of the weather and my boyfriend allows it. The child also listens into adult conversations and interupts you when your talking. It drives me mad and because he has him every weekend now im forced to go stay with friend or family every single weekend cos i just cannot tolerate being around that child. ( and before anyone says it no im not a fan of children) Ive threatned to leave a few times and my boyfriend has stopped me saying things will change etc and things only get worse, by trying to be romantic he went and booked us a holiday for the end of July and i was over the moon (havent had a holiday in years) then he says me, himself and the kid will have a ball. Im not going on the holiday i refuse to go as it will be a nightmare. Basically my question is surely if i loved my boyfriend then id love his child cos its part of him?????

This relationship isn't going to work OP. Whatever the issues or causes behind your attitude towards your boyfriend and his child, it doesn't sound like they're going to change in the short to medium term. Your boyfriend isn't going to give up his child for you, so you'd best call a halt to this relationship before you do more harm to one or more of the three folks involved in this situation - the child in particular. Children who grow up exposed to too much resentment and bitterness tend not to do very well out of it.

Move on and mark this one down to experience. In future you'd best avoid folks who have kids or who want to have kids, as it sounds like it won't work for you.

dellas1979

Fair enough if you are not a fan of children - that is your perogative and you are entitled to feel as you wish (I know plently of people/women who dont like/want children - nothing wrong with this in my opinion)

but....

What do you think is going to happen? That he will dump his child and run off into the sunset with you? What exactly are you looking for?

You are not selfish in your opinion, but in how you are enforcing this on other people. In all reality, the child has a father that, very fortunately, wants to be in his life and look after him - and you are going to throw a strop?

Maybe the child needs to be parented a little better - who knows - but at the moment you are acting a little more childish than the 7 year old.

I think you should leave them be...there is nothing your bf can do for you - he can tell you all the things in the world to keep you from running, but in reality the child is a permanent fixture in his life. You are not.

PopUp

To be honest, the kid does sound like a bit of a nightmare. I've relatives who spoil their kids and they are rude, unmannerly, and lazy little brats.

But I don't despise the kids. I despise their parents for doing such a crappy job at raising them.

It sounds like you have big problems with the way your boyfriend parents. It's his kid, so it's his business, and his way goes. But what is going to happen if your relationship progresses and the two of you have a kid? Will you be stuck as the disciplinarian? Will you have any common ground at all?

It's not unreasonable to object to him overindulging his kid and letting the kid run riot. But you can't influence his parenting. If it bothers you that much, you have to leave.

I don't blame you, actually. I love kids, I'm pregnant myself right now. But spoiled brats are a nightmare and there's no way I could respect a partner who didn't parent responsibly. So you're going to have to either get over it, or leave.

katie99

I'm shocked! You actually 'despise' the child. He's 7 years of age. He doesn't see his Dad except at weekends so he probably wants to stay in and watch telly and be around his Dad. And you say he is rude and unmannerly, in what way is he?

I think you are the child in all of this. You are acting like a spoiled child.
Why don't you try to get to know the child? Buy him small treats when he comes to stay? Take him somewhere special?

You are being very selfish. So, in short, Get out of the relationship. Your partner's child will always come first, before you and will be the priority in his life. And that's the way it should be.

Firetrap

I think your loathing of the boy could possibly eat away at your relationship anyway. Your boyfriend is trying to keep both you and him happy at the same time and it's got to be a strain at some level. The boy is always going to be part of your bf's life and it's surely only a matter of time before your boyfriend starts getting resentful of your behaviour towards him.

Cheap Thrills!

He is bold, unmannerly,rude, loud, the most annoying things about him is that he will not go outside the door to play he just sits in front of the TV all day regardless of the weather and my boyfriend allows it. The child also listens into adult conversations and interupts you when your talking.

I would lose the plot too OP with that spoilt brat in the house.

Your boyfriend and his ex have obviously no clue how to raise a polite kid that knows its place. Your boyfriend is enabling this kid to be the way he is and think on better you found this out now before you had kids of your own with him.

Society is filled with these free range kids who are allowed run wild with no fear or respect for authority.

The kid is NOT more important than you, I hate that child centric way of thinking. Children are priveleged to be here and get all they do, they should be capable of doing what they are told, helping with the housework, playing quietly and understanding that adults are in charge not them.

I think society is far too child centric now and is creating these little monsters.

I think the kid is only a side issue anyway, I think the scales have fallen from your eyes when you see what a weak parent your boyfriend is. Hard to respect someone when you have such a fundamental different way of thinking on something so important.

dellas1979

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

I would lose the plot too OP with that spoilt brat in the house.

Your boyfriend and his ex have obviously no clue how to raise a polite kid that knows its place. Your boyfriend is enabling this kid to be the way he is and think on better you found this out now before you had kids of your own with him.

Society is filled with these free range kids who are allowed run wild with no fear or respect for authority.

The kid is NOT more important than you, I hate that child centric way of thinking. Children are priveleged to be here and get all they do, they should be capable of doing what they are told, helping with the housework, playing quietly and understanding that adults are in charge not them.

I think society is far too child centric now and is creating these little monsters.

I think the kid is only a side issue anyway, I think the scales have fallen from your eyes when you see what a weak parent your boyfriend is. Hard to respect someone when you have such a fundamental different way of thinking on something so important.

Oh my gosh...that was total character assassination on a 7 year old child and his father and mother with information from an anonymous poster on boards.

If she was that worried about the parenting, being an adult herself dont you think she could make a difference? The child doesnt know how lucky it is etc because he is a child. What were you doing when you were 7? Saying "gosh how lucky I am and appreciated all my parents done for me"? She is the adult here not the child.

If the child has problems, she should be assertive enough to say or do something. I cannot understand how the father of the child lets you away with this...honestly cannot fathom it. If you dont like children, the door is that way.

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

I think society is far too child centric now and is creating these little monsters.

The reason we are so child centric nowadays is because psychological studies have shown the damage negative consequences can have on a child. Negative consequences which carry into adulthood, and the whole cycle starts again unless the adult happens to be strong enough to address what happened him/her when he/she was younger.

One such negative consequence a child might bear is the feeling that he is despised.

Yes some children get away with being little monsters, but it's up to all of us (not just parents) to make sure these children know what is or isn't acceptable behaviour. OP does not like the way her partner's son carries on. Instead of despising him (which has the potential to be extremely damaging to anyone's esteem, not just a child's), why can't she just tell the boy to stop d*cking around if the father's too afraid to do it?