Boyfriends friend

LegacyUser

Hi, Im just wondering what to make of this. My boyfriend is good mates with a girl in work (based in Galway), she has relied on him for alot of personal problems (relationship break up etc), she left the job a few weeks ago and at her leaving party, she asked him not to bring me (but as it was work thing, that was fine). He has his own house in Kerry and was home last weekend, she happened to be in Kerry that same weekend and stayed with him on the saturday night, he told me the following day and said she slept in the spare room, they were out the saturday night in a local pub and he text me at like 3 that night... just find it suss, the fact he told me shows he is trustworthy but should I be weary of this girl (he said that she pretty much invited herself down). We are from the same place so maybe he told me cos word would get out anyway. Is it possible to have a deeply intimate platonic friendship with a girl or should I be worried, dont want to be a nagging girlfriend but I dont want him making a habit of spending a weekend with this girl. Thanks

Miss Fluff

Should I be worried wrote: »

she left the job a few weeks ago and at her leaving party, she asked him not to bring me

The cheeky bitch!!:eek:

WATCH. YOUR. BACK.

Seriously. Doesn't sound like her intentions are at all innocent. Yes, you should be worried. While something may or may not have happened, her behaviour is totally inappropriate imho....

SarahSassy

Well I wouldnt like it but i dont think you should say anything to him. Make sure she doesnt get the opportunity to do it again though

seamus

Yes, I would be wary of her. Unless something was very strictly "work people only", nobody would ever explicitly tell me that I cannot bring my wife to something. In fact most people would ask me to bring her.

But if you trust him, then trust him. You could perhaps make yourself more visible when out socialising - make the effort to go to Kerry with him when you can, and so forth. If she starts appearing randomly at nights out when you're not there, but usually isn't around when you are, then you can get suspicious.

fungun

why would she explicitly ask him not to bring you?

sounds much like other thread on here, she doesnt want to face that she is not #1 woman in his life. So Id be wary of her, yes.

Exclamation Marc

I think whether you should or shouldn't be wary of her is irrelvant. It is possible to have a deeply platonic relationship, but thats not the issue.

How does the whole situation make you feel?

If you feel it is something that is going to bother you to no end and cause worry/angst, then its best to say it to him. If you feel like you can be comfortable with it, then there's no need.

There's no need to say that you're worried about her actions, you should merely say that you are uncomfortable with the time they spend together and the manner of how they spend time together.

Everyone's different, so its really whether you are comfortable with it or not. If you're not, the feeling won't go away, and you should maybe say it to him.

Personally speaking, I believe that specifically asking for you not to come to the party is quite unusual, and reeks of her not acknowledging your presence or respecting your relationship.

gpe

Snake with tits imo.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for your responses, at least I know Im not being paranoid. We are going out just 9 months, if he is that keen on that girl, maybe I be better off cutting my losses, dont think I am bothered fighting over a guy. At least then, there would be no chance of being cheated on. Also, the night of the leaving party, she ended up staying in the room with him.

SarahSassy

Should I be worried wrote: »

the night of the leaving party, she ended up staying in the room with him.

As in sharing a bed?

I would be out of there....

LegacyUser

No, there were 2 beds in the room. He got a room cos its the sma eprice as getting a taxi home. He told me about it the following day, didnt think about it until this time around.

Miss Fluff

Should I be worried wrote: »

Hi, thanks for your responses, at least I know Im not being paranoid. We are going out just 9 months, if he is that keen on that girl, maybe I be better off cutting my losses, dont think I am bothered fighting over a guy. At least then, there would be no chance of being cheated on. Also, the night of the leaving party, she ended up staying in the room with him.

:eek:So she expressly said that you were NOT allowed come to the party and then shared a room with your BF? Sorry, I'd find that totally unacceptable. What does your bf have to say about this? Does he think that it's ok?

Nevyn

Can we please keep things clam and helpful.

This woman can do what ever she likes and never get anwhere if he loves you and respects your relationship.

Exclamation Marc

Should I be worried wrote: »

Also, the night of the leaving party, she ended up staying in the room with him.

Thats a serious dealbreaker for me.

Wouldn't be happy with this in the slightest. Firstly getting you out of the picture, then staying in the same room as him. No way should you put up with that.

SarahSassy

You are in a very awkward spot here because if you come across as jealous and possessive and untrusting here you will only push him closer to her. Its very likely nothing happened but it’s also very likely she does want something to happen. Have
you ever met her? Why don’t you have a party, invite her and see what she gets up to. Keep your friends close and enemies even closer….

Emme

Should I be worried wrote: »

Hi, thanks for your responses, at least I know Im not being paranoid. We are going out just 9 months, if he is that keen on that girl, maybe I be better off cutting my losses, dont think I am bothered fighting over a guy. At least then, there would be no chance of being cheated on. Also, the night of the leaving party, she ended up staying in the room with him.

If anything like that happens again I'd cut my losses and bail out - that includes her staying in his house in Kerry and staying with him in the room in Galway. In my experience it's never worth fighting over a guy. It's obvious she wants him. If he wants to be with you he'll ignore her but I wouldn't continue if that's going to be the pattern of your relationship with this guy.

I agree with SarahSassy, get your bf to introduce you to this girl. If he doesn't want to well...:rolleyes:

Taltos

I can see why folk are worried here - but OP - as to you bailing?

Do you know that your BF cheated on you?
Or is it just you know this other woman is interested and you could not be bothered fighting for him? (not that fighting is an appropriate term)

If it is the 2nd then yes leave him as you clearly do not value him or trust him enough. If he is into you then this woman could be parading around naked and nothing will happen.

Show him some trust - but talk to him - lay out all these things and then ask "How would you feel if I did all of this with <insert good looking fella's name he knows>? Would you find it acceptable?"
Stress that this is not about you not trusting him - it is about you feeling not valued where this friend is being placed ahead of you...

LegacyUser

Thanks, that has been very helpful. I do trust him alright and he is very kind so thats why he is so good to this girl. I have met her on a night out before but she seemed really into him alright. I would rather finish things before he got a chance to cheat but that would just make him go to her even more. Its only these two occasions so should I just forget it?

trio

+1

I'm not sure that the boyfriend is acting dubiously here. He's telling you quite openly about her sharing the room - he could have lied and said she slept elsewhere.

Even at the club he texted you.

I do think her behaviour is clingy - he was her shoulder to cry on when her previous relationship ended, and she obviously has a bit of a "He's My Rock" thing going on.

I think she would probably have gotten off with him by now if he'd been giving her those vibes but it doesn't really sound like he has (though of course we'll never know).

Don't take it for granted that he's finding all this flattering either - she was the one who invited herself over in Kerry, and whilst he obviously likes her personality enough to go "OK sure", he also could be finding having to listen to her woes all a bit tiresome.

You need to talk to him as Taltos said about the boot being on the other foot and whether it'd make him uncomfortable. Stress that you trust him, but you don't know her enough to trust her.

OR you could do the old trick - tell him you'd like to get to know *all* his friends better, and you haven't really spent much time with "Mary". Ask him if he'll invite you along next time he meets up with her as you'd like to be friends with her too!

If he doesn't want the two of you to meet, he'll nip that in the bud pronto. If he's cool with it, he'll be glad you've such an interest in his friends and invite you. And you can be really amazing and coolest girlfriend ever in front of her. That'll either put her off right there - OR she'll act all territorial.

Either way you'll have a clearer picture than you do now.

Neyite

it sounds like she is into him, but he is blissfully oblivious. face it - if anything had happened both of those nights there is NO WAY he would even mention she was out with him.

i would mention that you think her behaviour is a bit inappropriate, and that you think that she fancies him. then point out why you think that.

Denimgirl

she has a hidden agenda this girl! the fact SHE ASKED him not to invite you! shag that! noway watch this girl!she sounds very cunning and dangerous!!! make an effort to speak with her and get to know her suss her out!!

Ickle Magoo

Why does your boyfriend want to be friends with someone who explicitly requests your absence at events? Red flag. Just happens to bump into him on a weekend in Kerry? Red flag. Sharing hotel rooms? Red flag.

Your fella may be the most trustworthy and most naive man in the world but I don't know any healthy reason to encourage or spend more time with someone who has blatantly tried to get your partner off the scene.

Taltos

Should I be worried wrote: »

I would rather finish things before he got a chance to cheat but that would just make him go to her even more.

OP - please re-read that.
Not getting personal - but that is adolescent thinking. "I kissed Johnny before Mary did so he's mine" kind of stuff.

Look if you are this keen to dump him then dump him.
If you don't want to dump him because he will end up with the friend - then dump him.
If you love him and trust him and want to be with him - then for gawd's sake WORK on your relationship - talk to him - let him know how you are feeling...

Life isn't easy - nothing just drops in our laps - if you want to be with this guy then just talk to the git.

<sad now>

LegacyUser

Hi Guys, I had a talk with him tonight and he explained things. She didnt stay that time in the leaving party, she only got ready in the room and no partners came. He said he invited all the work colleagues to his house as he is quite proud of it and when she rang he couldnt say no so I think its all good... exempt I prob come across as a jealous weirdo!

Ickle Magoo

He invited all his workmates from Galway to his house in Kerry? And she just happened to ring him about it, demand she come and he couldn't say no - and no-one else came? And she didn't stay in his room at the leaving party - even tho he was the one who told you about it? Is it just me who is a bit ...