Problem with a friend of mine ...

LegacyUser

Sorry, long posst!

Well, we're not friends any more. Apparently. I was the last to find out. Just looking for other perspectives on it.

Basically, he (was) a good mate of mine and then I moved in with him just a little under 2 years ago. There were regular ups and downs but nothing terminal, or so I believed. He owns the place so he's a live-in landlord.

Anyway, I got notice to quit served on me at the start of this month (I have to leave by the start of August) - which I wasn't expecting at all and then after that he began giving me the real cold shoulder treatment. Apparently, before now I was supposed to be noticing it ... but he won't talk to me now except in an official capacity - i.e. when he wants something. He will avoid me at all costs.

Most recently, he knocked on the door to my room to tell me to remove a bottle of mine from kitchen table and two used glasses. Fair enough - I had genuinely forgotten to put away my stuff and he wanted to use the table - but it was just the officious way he was going about it that unnerved me.

Our other flatmate is also a friend of mine and he told me that the landlord was most recently giving out to him about cigarette burns to the tablecloth. They're fairly small - and I smoke, but I always use an ashtray. A good friend of the landlord also smokes and is often seated at the same table when he visits: yet he is not blamed.

Apparently it also pisses off the landlord that I do not do the washing-up for the whole house once in a while - despite the fact that I seldom use the cutlery (I'm a terrible cook and mostly eat out or get take-away or ready meals) and wash what I use as I go.

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Some background to this. I asked a mutual friend of the landlord and myself what the story was. Apparently it has its roots in something that happened months ago. Long story short, in the course of this regular social event in our house (a card game every Tuesday) I'd make a few jokes at the landlord's expense, to his face, and I thought nothing of them. Thing is that we'd all poke fun at each other - jokes would be told about me as well, and my flatmate and the other people in the game. But apparently this began to build resentment with him because I simply was cutting too close to the bone.

Eventually, I dropped out of playing in this game regularly but there were a lot of people I knew playing so I'd sit in and make the usual jokes. Anyway, about three months ago I think nothing of passing a remark and very calmly the landlord tells me he doesn't like it and he'd prefer if I didn't say anything if I wasn't playing. I thought that was the end of it. Certainly, from that point on he continued to be civil to me and would ask me about my day and engage me in conversation and I still regarded him as a really nice guy.

But apparently that wasn't what he was really feeling. The mutual friend I've consulted about this says that I should have seen the signs that I had pissed him off earlier and that the reason the landlord didn't tell me he now dislikes me was because he is averse to confrontation.

That he is. He appears to be more passive-aggressive in how he's approach this. It really has me afraid to be living under the same roof: I feel I can't do the usual things I used to do without getting a knock on the door. I fear I'll leave out some papers or wrappers or forget to rinse out a coffee mug or close a door or something and I'll get a knock on my door informing me that I must correct the offending item forthwith.

Yeah, I understand that I have a share of the blame here: but I feel like he's being excessively nasty because, apart from how he's now behaving around me:

a.) he never told me what the problem was straight up, he went straight to serving a notice on me and I've known him for nearly 4 years now. Now he didn't even so much as congratulate me about my college results last week - yet I could see on Facebook he was congratulating mere acquaintances. That really hurt: because I actually thought he gave a crap about me.

b.) I genuinely never did anything intentionally to hurt him or out of malice. I do realise that I ended up hurting his feelings but he seems to be genuinely nasty to me now and that's not how I've ever felt towards him so it doesn't seem proportionate (basically.)

c.) I have had a tough year this year, medical problems and such, and you think he'd make
allowances and at least try and talk things out with me rather than letting a silence fester and expecting me to know what was wrong with him.

The mutual friend I've talked to has sided with my landlord and I just feel so slighted. I made the right noises to the mutual friend: said that yes, I was in the wrong just so as not to lose him as a friend - but I just want affirmation of some kind that this isn't 100% my fault.

And I guess my other reason for writing this is to clear it out of my head.

annemarie13

cant believe he is treating you like that. have u tried talking about everything with him?? he too chicken to actually talk to ur face and is being a bit childish. i think you should talk it out with him, say sorry for the jokes u made because he seemed hurt by them or mayb he considered it bullying.

lilminx

Hey OP

It does seems that it's got this way because ye just didn't talk about it - and yes, you can't really discuss an issue if you're not aware of it, but looking back can you honestly say you didn't get a hint that he was upset with you?

When he said that he'd prefer if you didn't hang around when they were playing cards did you say anything then? And the jokes you made that were a little too close to the bone as you admitted? Did you apologise then when he stated that he wasn't getting the joke?

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a hard year and getting notice to quit over an issue like this that would have been so easily sorted a while ago, with perhaps the saving of a friendship, is tough and perhaps a little harsh, but obviously whatever happened upset this guy enough that he feels so strongly about it.

I would encourage you to talk to him though and see what upset him so much. It might be something that you've done that seems small to you but is huge to him. Friends should be able to talk about these things.

LegacyUser

Hi, I was in a similar situation with a friend recently, except I was in your landlord's position (I didn't live with my friend, though, but we were very close and spoke almost evey day). I can see where he's coming from. In my case, my friend made some comments about me as a 'joke' in front of other people that I found humiliating, and after she never apologized, I decided to cut her out. Everyone else in the room could see that what she had said was pretty mean, but she acted like it was the usual jokes. She commented to a mutual friend that I was being very cold to her and she didn't get why, but she never asked me about it either. I actually found it more insulting that she didn't even realize how out of line her comment had been and that I was being made out to be a drama queen, rather than her questioning her own behaviour. A few months later, I decided to be the adult and give her a short explanation via email, after my other friend told me that she didn't get why I had stopped all contact with her.

What I mean is that if what you said upset him enough, he probably thinks to know this too, and the fact that you didn't aknowledge it or apologize made him feel like he didn't mean anything to you. I see your point too, he is being childish by not confronting you directly, but it takes two to make a friendship work and apparently you haven't spoken to him about it to his face either!

kjl

Jesus, just say sorry to the guy. Not a huge deal.

Stu

Something doesn't add up in my opinion. You are friends with the guy for 4 years and yet yous can't have a simple conversation about a bit of slagging gone too far. Whatever you were slagging him about, it seems you wouldn't let it drop and he must have thought you were getting a kick out of it. Why else would a mate blank you and serve you with notice to move out.

Maybe with hindsight you realise you were out of order, i don't know, but it seems you went overboard with the slagging and didn't take the hint to lay off him. Apologies if i'm wide of the mark here but you said that hes a nice guy so looking at it objectively, it seems you overstepped the mark in some way.

Its funny, you could slag somebody all day and they would laugh but then you could unknowingly say something that hits a raw nerve and then its not so funny anymore. Maybe thats what happened in this situation but your mate probably doesn't want to discuss it in case it gives you a bit of ammunition to give him some more stick (lighthearted offcourse). You obviously didn't mean to upset him but at some stage you didn't see the signs that he was unhappy and kept it going and at that stage he probably thought you were really taking the piss as opposed to giving him some light hearted stick.

LegacyUser

Thats such a lousy situation to be in. I sympathise, it sounds like a really tough one to figure out as well, if he's the kind of guy who doesn't like confrontation. And this thing of nagging you over little things left on a table, its ridiculous, it amazes me how often people will stoop to such levels. You live there you pay rent you shouldn't have to worry about little things you do, its just so petty! I lived in a house before where I got a text message from someone asking me to remove my coat from the back of a chair! I think sometimes people just want someone to take all their anger/frustration out on and they pick an easy target...either that or they are just complete control freaks. I think if someone's feelings get hurt badly its pretty hard to remedy that. Living with people is so tough sometimes maybe once you move out or just before you'll be able to make peace with him and save the friendship, if you explain your point of view and he refuses to take it on board then I guess there isn't much more you can do. Sorry this isn't of much help I was just selfishly glad to hear that I am not the only one that is a victim of petty people.

blodvyn

So you took the piss out of your landlord / mate whilst you were involved in a game of poker..

You leave the poker game but you still hang around to take the piss of your landlord / mate ????

You can see where he would be getting irritated from, If a friend of mine no longer played a game I participated in but hung around just to take the piss I can tell you under no illusions he'd be getting a mouthful, stop playing the victim with your medical / college results, get a grip you seem to be one seriously self indulged individual, just because he didn't acknowledge you passing your results it doesn't negate the fact you DID pass and received your piece of paper.

Ya so what some people are passive aggressive, if you're not then confront him if you don't want to then server the notice and move out.