Trying to assert myself to my mother

LegacyUser

It's something I can't seem to do. And it's making me sad, lonely and frustrated. In fact, its come to a head with some post I got today. I've to make a decision that will ultimately, in my opinion, cause upset with someone. I suffer from general anxiety, and I've been to therapy but not completely finished the treatment.

For the past while, I've moved home much to the delight of my mother. She likes me being at home, but I've come home due to my course finishing and me not having any job. It's really depressing me, and in fact, I don't like living here but I try to cope as best as I can.

Anyway, this post I got today concerns going back to college. I've been offered a place to live on campus and as such, it's an option I want to accept. Financially, in the long term, it'd be cheaper than keeping circumstances the same. And for the sake of my relationship with my partner, it'd end what has become a challenging long distance relationship. In fact, I don't see any negatives to it.......only that, I simply cannot tell my mother these are my plans.

for the past while in college, she's helped me out and paid my way when things got tough. As such, she's made me live in digs (i.e. as a tenant in a family home). A situation which she made and unfortunately, I put up with. As such, I don't want that anymore as I want to live independently.

I just don't know how to have this conversation with my mum. I've let her do this to me for three years and I don't want it anymore. But of course, my anxiety gets in my way of having any sort of conflict (or of any situation were I assume conflict will happen) but I know I need to tell my mother that I am an adult and that I deserve to be treated as so and I can live independently.

Can anyone offer any advice for me to overcome nerves and issues I have in just telling my mother what I want?

lilminx

Congrats on the offer and getting back to college! It's great news and why not approach in that context..

Show your mother the letter and let her know how excited you are by the prospect! I'm sure if you say - Hey Mam, look what I got in the post - with a smile on your face and have a discussion about what this will mean for you personally, she'll be delighted to see that you're happy and that things are progressing for you.

How do you get on with any other family living there - maybe bring it up in conversation when there's another more supportive person there?

Hope this helps OP. Best of luck, with telling your mam - and college.

PeterTheHermit

You are not a child anymore.

Your mother treats you like a child because you let her.

She is only looking out for you but she's probably thinking that it is high time you did things for yourself.

She will give you a hard time because she will be skeptical that you can stand on your own two feet after your past record of leaving her to make the decisions for you.

You will have to be firm and tell her in no uncertain terms that this is what you want to do.

She will only stop interfering when you have demonstrated your independence.

You haven't done that.

Once you have struck out on your own your mother will be proud of you and will leave you at it.

However until the day she dies, you are still her little baby and she will be always there to give you advice and help whenever you need it.

You have been delaying growing up.

Assert yourself and get out into the real world on your own.

That's frightening, I know, but you must do it.

up for anything

acoward wrote: »

Financially, in the long term, it'd be cheaper than keeping circumstances the same. And for the sake of my relationship with my partner, it'd end what has become a challenging long distance relationship. In fact, I don't see any negatives to it.......only that, I simply cannot tell my mother these are my plans.

for the past while in college, she's helped me out and paid my way when things got tough. As such, she's made me live in digs (i.e. as a tenant in a family home). A situation which she made and unfortunately, I put up with. As such, I don't want that anymore as I want to live independently.

From the point of view of your mother, your post makes me cross. You seem to be using her and wanting your cake and eating it too.

She is delighted to have you home but you don't like living there but you cope as best as you can! That's good of you. Get a job. I know it's hard these days to find employment but if you are that desperate it should light a fire under you.

Living on campus is expensive enough and the fees need to paid pretty much up front in lump sums, don't they? It could be the reason your mother has insisted you live in digs (owned by family from what you say) is because it is easier for her to supplement whatever your income is by paying a bit at a time. Maybe she can't get her hands on that type of money all at once especially in these times.

If you believe you are an adult and deserve to be treated as such and live independently then it is time to stop taking her money. There is no such thing as a free dinner and once you take money from someone it does give them some say in how it is spent.

limklad

acoward wrote: »

It's something I can't seem to do. And it's making me sad, lonely and frustrated. In fact, its come to a head with some post I got today. I've to make a decision that will ultimately, in my opinion, cause upset with someone. I suffer from general anxiety, and I've been to therapy but not completely finished the treatment.

For the past while, I've moved home much to the delight of my mother. She likes me being at home, but I've come home due to my course finishing and me not having any job. It's really depressing me, and in fact, I don't like living here but I try to cope as best as I can.

Anyway, this post I got today concerns going back to college. I've been offered a place to live on campus and as such, it's an option I want to accept. Financially, in the long term, it'd be cheaper than keeping circumstances the same. And for the sake of my relationship with my partner, it'd end what has become a challenging long distance relationship. In fact, I don't see any negatives to it.......only that, I simply cannot tell my mother these are my plans.

for the past while in college, she's helped me out and paid my way when things got tough. As such, she's made me live in digs (i.e. as a tenant in a family home). A situation which she made and unfortunately, I put up with. As such, I don't want that anymore as I want to live independently.

I just don't know how to have this conversation with my mum. I've let her do this to me for three years and I don't want it anymore. But of course, my anxiety gets in my way of having any sort of conflict (or of any situation were I assume conflict will happen) but I know I need to tell my mother that I am an adult and that I deserve to be treated as so and I can live independently.

Can anyone offer any advice for me to overcome nerves and issues I have in just telling my mother what I want?

Well OP, I see that you have looked at the financial implications of your college course. You probably ahead of the possy on this. Over the years in Collage I stay in different houses and you would not believe the thing college students leave out of the finance such as heat, electrical bills, books, food, thing such as Physical items need for the collage course for example a lab coat for Science subjects and in recent times mobile/internet access, etc which I am sure you are aware off.

If your mother is truly into you been happy, you can easily have this conversation with her, letting her know you are taking your independence seriously at one step at a time and that your are not going to ignore her because you want your independence.

Victor

up for anything wrote: »

From the point of view of your mother, your post makes me cross. You seem to be using her and wanting your cake and eating it too.

She is delighted to have you home but you don't like living there but you cope as best as you can! That's good of you. Get a job. I know it's hard these days to find employment but if you are that desperate it should light a fire under you.

Living on campus is expensive enough and the fees need to paid pretty much up front in lump sums, don't they? It could be the reason your mother has insisted you live in digs (owned by family from what you say) is because it is easier for her to supplement whatever your income is by paying a bit at a time. Maybe she can't get her hands on that type of money all at once especially in these times.

If you believe you are an adult and deserve to be treated as such and live independently then it is time to stop taking her money. There is no such thing as a free dinner and once you take money from someone it does give them some say in how it is spent.

Perhaps a less critical and more constructive post would be more useful.

---

OP, why not raise it as a possibility with your mother? Suggest that it would be good practice for you towards eventually moving out ful-time. Perhaps practice on someone else beforehand and have them pretend to be your mother.

Note that there are other bills besides rent - typical list here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055786505 and that you will have to pay for food and everything else as well.

up for anything

up for anything wrote: »

From the point of view of your mother, your post makes me cross. You seem to be using her and wanting your cake and eating it too.

She is delighted to have you home but you don't like living there but you cope as best as you can! That's good of you. Get a job. I know it's hard these days to find employment but if you are that desperate it should light a fire under you.

Living on campus is expensive enough and the fees need to paid pretty much up front in lump sums, don't they? It could be the reason your mother has insisted you live in digs (owned by family from what you say) is because it is easier for her to supplement whatever your income is by paying a bit at a time. Maybe she can't get her hands on that type of money all at once especially in these times.

If you believe you are an adult and deserve to be treated as such and live independently then it is time to stop taking her money. There is no such thing as a free dinner and once you take money from someone it does give them some say in how it is spent.

Victor wrote: »

Perhaps a less critical and more constructive post would be more useful.

There is such a thing as constructive criticism.