The Siren

Robbyn

link to a new short story I wrote. feedback would be really appreciated, thanks

http://webothcanspeakintongues.tumblr.com/post/719755710/the-siren

cobsie

Hey Robbyn

Best line:
"...beautiful Kendra and her ugly worries"

You have loads of potential. Your grasp of narrative is very good, and the piece is very confidently written. You need practice in some technical aspects - don't worry about taking the reader through every action (phoning the emergency services, for e.g.) - your reader will follow you intuitively. Think of the technique of jump-cuts in cinema and find points in your story where you could employ that method to move the story forward a little faster.

You move between the narrative viewpoints of Kendra and Alastair in a very assured way, it was definitely a strong aspect of the writing, so well done there.

Towards the end, you seem to get 'plot fatigue' - you don't need to summarise what has gone on - stay focused on showing the story, rather than telling what just happened. The last line should really be 'The song of the “angel” was silenced.' or somewhere close to there.

Finally, I'd just like to say how cool it is that you put your stuff up for input and that you obviously have imagination and ability, so keep at it. And keep reading!! It's the best way to learn to write.

Robbyn

Thanks a lot

Yeah I kept re-reading this and SOMETHING was off. I'll rewrite it sometime and take on board your advice