Always going to be alone?

LegacyUser

hey going unreg for this. Anyway, I am a 19 year old male, currently living at home with mother, but even with all my family and friends I still feel so lonely. I never take my friends and family for granted ever, I am very grateful every day! I was always a kind of quiet, shy and lacked in confidence, even from a young age. Primary school was a bad time for me, I had friends but still felt lonely and different. I felt I was different to other kids because I had divorced parents at a young age, I had to deal with a lot, I found myself sadder than most kids, I used to eat to help suppress my emotions (I still do), and as a result I became a little overweight at a young age (not huge fat, just a little). I used to get bullied badly for it, I used to hate it, from then until now I still am the same person, I'm still shy and quiet but I'm a nice person, people have criticized me for being too shy or w/e but to be honest I think it's not fair

Anyway, as I grew up I learned more and more, and I have become a little more outgoing, and I have gotten some new friends, but I am still very shy. I'm talking about when it comes to women, and even in general. I'm not open with a lot of people, but I can be, I'm very self conscious (I think I am a little too ugly/fat) and that no one will like me for it, Sadly I have come to the conclusion that obv. people are attracted to other people and I am not attractive (not looking for attention just laying it as I thought/see it), therefore no one will like me or I will never get a chance with a lady

I know you are thinking at my age, I should be out having fun etc, I do, but I'm not mad into it, I just want to have a relationship and make someone happy even though I am very young. I sit alone in my bedroom every night for as long as I can remember feeling sad. I've always had an underlying sad streak in me as long as I can remember and I have come to terms with it by now, but is it normal? I will admit I have only ever kissed one girl in my entire life =[ I feel like such a loser because I've never talked or fooled around with girls when everyone else my age has, I feel like I'm going to be lonely for ever or be a virgin my whole life

All I want is to somehow escape this vicious circle and make people see me for who I am, project myself onto someone I like/care about, I have tried but to no avail, am I missing something or am I just doing it wrong? I'm so bored of everyday life, even though I can have fun and be happy at day I always end up reflecting on the past, feeling sad or just being depressed at night time

limklad

Hi OP,
There is nothing wrong with been shy and quiet. It is good to see as you got older that you got a little more outgoing. At least you are going in the right direction, coming on here to explain you situation is a good step forward.
Just to note that everybody different, some people like certain sports, some people hate all sports with a hug amount of passion. while others don't care about sports. Some like to paint or sing or talks a lot or have long walks or cycle or create stuff, etc, or just simply be and feel the environment around them.

Do not concentrate on having relationship right now, you are still young and there will always be time. If this old man manage to have his 21th kid in his nineties:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-476980/Worlds-oldest-father-21st-child-90.html

and this man at 112 marries to his fifth wife then there is hope for all singles men.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8331136.stm

or this 96 year old man marries his younger 90th year old woman where spark of love can still exist into old age, then there is definitely hope for us all.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/berkshire/4622625.stm
If the spark of love is there then great. I have seen two very attractive people who got married and were not "In love" with each other but was attracted by status. Their marriage did not last and their kids eventually got over it. Yet my Uncle and Aunt (Both heavy weights) and you could not get in between them as they are very much in love 40 years later and still go away out of the blue (unannounced) on weekends. One summer they took off to the Caribbean for two weeks and gave my grandmother (who live in the next house to them) 1 hour notice to watch over their 3 teenagers and 1 kid who were practically running the farm as they love doing it and did it very well with maturity and smart and they also help out the neighbours farms too.

But on a serious side it is worth seeing a good counsellor and talk about the past. There seem to be some suppress feelings you are holding on to and you need to talk it out and comes to terms with it. It is ok to cry or to laugh or feel sad or to smile at some thing ridiculous. The most mature of us can be able to feel and express our feeling openly without shame. All of it make us aware that we are alive and we all have feeling no matter what they are. I have pity for those who negativity criticise others for they too feel bad about themselves and need others feel worst than them so they like to pretend they are better than everybody else.

There are people who live their entire childhood/teens in complete misery and mange to break out of that cycle and lead happier lives. I am one.

Life is what you have of it and holding on to negative feelings will hold you back or make you smarter with experience that most people cannot understand and that does not matter. Your next step is to talk to the counsellor and be completely honest with yourself. Eventually you will let that negativity and shame go and it takes time. One step at a time you can build yourself a better future. Remember not everybody life follow the rule book. If it did, then life would be very boring. Now look after yourself and I do not need to wish you the very best in the future as I know you can do it.

Taltos

OP - I kind of know where you are coming from. Apart from the divorce you could be describing me at your age.

I too used to enjoy spending time on my own at home either reading books or watching TV and not really interacting with people. Similarly the sad streak - used to sit there in the miseries not understanding why I was alone...

Looking back now for me it is easier to see some of the things - and reading your post I am really reminded. Here it is though - sitting at home - well who are you interacting with? Who are you meeting? What friendships are you building and maintaining? What are you doing to make you feel better about you?

The previous poster hit the nail on the head - do NOT concentrate in going out and meeting someone or having that relationship. Instead you do indeed need to go out - but it needs to just be for now - about you doing things that make you feel better about yourself - small little steps mind. Find an activity - course / sport / event that you may not normally be interested in and just do it - give it a few tries. While there - just say hello to folk - not with an intent of hooking up - but just to introduce yourself. "Hi there, I'm Steve.." kind of thing.

As you do these activities - that you should be enjoying you will be so concentrating on having fun that you will forget the sadness, forget the loneliness and hopefully for a while it will be enough for you to be in the company of other people. All of this will help you with your confidence - but.. but you have to keep pushing yourself - out yourself out of your normal comfort zone and just talk - even if it is about the weather or Emmerdale or Zoolander - just something - not drivel - but ask questions - leading ones.

I know it sounds trite - but when the time is right (and when you are happier in yourself though this) - hopefully then you will meet someone - at the very least you will have learnt how to be truly happy on your own or in company without relying on an "OH". Relationships are great - but you know sometimes they can be limiting. Learn to enjoy your life today so you can share those experiences with someone tomorrow.

LegacyUser

You could wait and maybe you will meet someone like the other posters have said, or maybe you will end up never meeting anyone and dying alone. From my own experience the more time that passes the harder it will become. I have seen some very sad stories about people who waited and grew old and bitter.

People will always say there is nothing wrong with being shy but I disagree. We live in an extraverted world, a world that encourages you to be outgoing and treats those who prefer solitude in a negative light. This applies to everything from the world of work to getting a date. Look at the other topics on here, there is one about the dublin dating scene which shows how many women feel about men who wont ask someone out in a direct manner. They see them as not being real men.

There are more proactive solutions than just waiting. Becoming more extroverted is a good start. If you feel clueless around girls then I have heard there is much success to be had in learning about the pick up community. It doesnt have the best reputation but whats wrong with changing yourself to become a better person which people find more attractive. Its not for me because breaking down the process of social communication (even if it would improve how I act in public) takes the excitement and natural flow out of it.

Something less extreme than whats proposed is to just go out with the intention of making female friends. You will make some great new friends, get a sense for how women think and eventually get introduced to their friends (the more girls you know the better your chances).

Whatever route you take good luck in finding someone.

tenchi-fan

Hi
If you're a bit overweight you should probably start the gym. Doing a bit of moderate exercise, even 30 mins a day will make you feel less stressed and more positive.. which is a really good way to feel in the evenings ..much better than sitting around feeling sad.

You said you end up reflecting and feeling sad.. but that's because you're concentrating too much on the past. It's a much better idea to use this time to plan what you want to achieve, how you're going to achieve it... and then reflect on how your plans are working out.