men are so confusing :(

mainstreets

Went through a bit of a rough patch with my ex, I broke up with him twice in a short period of time. I began to regret it MASSIVLY and nearly begged for him back. He said no. he was definite about it. he told me he still wanted to be friends, and we met up a good bit, but I always ended up in tears and him telling me “he would never be able to give me a chance, he didn’t feel the same for me, we would never ever get back together”. This went on for a while, then it got to a point where I told him I couldn’t speak to him anymore. Then, in the space of 2 days he texts me asking me would I be as upset again if he gave me a chance and it didn’t work. I told him I probably would be. But now he is “giving me a chance”. We have spent every day together, and he seems pretty happy but at the same time he’s a little standoff-ish. I’m afraid of getting hurt again, and I don’t know what to do here .... I’m afraid he’s only back with me for sex even though he is a pretty trustworthy guy.

Anyone any tips on how to go about this chance so I don’t blow it and maybe he will fall properly for me again? I’m so confused.

Ickle Magoo

Discuss what issues caused the break-up in the first place and what stopped him getting back together with you at the first ask - if those are solved then you reduce the chance of it happening again.

I would hold off on the sex for a wee while until the rest of the relationship is sorted out so it can't cloud how either of you are thinking or give motivation to keep the relationship going that wouldn't otherwise be there.

Best of luck.

dellas1979

Well, two things to me stand out here - if he is giving the relationship a second chance, fair enough. If he is giving you a second chance, did you do something to him?

The reason I ask is, because if its his feelings that have changed - i.e. just fizzeled out or what ever why is he giving you a second chance?

It sounds like you are going to have to do alot of work to get him to change his feelings for you - which I dont think is right. If the feelings arent there for you, you shouldnt be bending over backwards to try and create them for him. This is dangerous territory - be careful you dont destroy self respect.

LegacyUser

mainstreets wrote: »

Went through a bit of a rough patch with my ex, I broke up with him twice in a short period of time. I began to regret it MASSIVLY.....

OP you say YOU broke up with him twice and really regretted it? Maybe you should have titled your thread Women are so confusing?

Anyway not trying to have a go at you OP and with the information provided can't really tell why you broke up with him twice. But I can say if I was in his position I would be extremely confused and wary of giving a relationship with you a third chance.

It does sound like the two of you were really hurt by whatever happened. Being a little stand offish is a natural enough reaction on his part. It's how someone who is afraid of getting hurt again reacts. For all you know he thinks you're acting the same.

Maybe you should both sit down and get to the root of why you broke up in the first place, as at the moment it sounds like you're circling each other on eggshells. Very exhausting and not much fun.

LegacyUser

mainstreets wrote: »

he seems pretty happy but at the same time he’s a little standoff-ish..

When I start to be stand-offish with a girl it's because in my head I'm not in the relationship. I've made up my mind that I'm outta there although I haven't told her yet.

I can do it for the short term (to see how it goes) but generally I know inside that it ain;t going to work out

PeterTheHermit

he told me he still wanted to be friends, and we met up a good bit, but I always ended up in tears and him telling me “he would never be able to give me a chance, he didn’t feel the same for me, we would never ever get back together”. This went on for a while, then it got to a point where I told him I couldn’t speak to him anymore. Then, in the space of 2 days he texts me asking me would I be as upset again if he gave me a chance and it didn’t work. I told him I probably would be. But now he is “giving me a chance”. We have spent every day together, and he seems pretty happy but at the same time he’s a little standoff-ish.

He psychologically bullied you into submission.

He blew hot and cold to keep you off balance.

This is what he wanted all along.

I’m afraid he’s only back with me for sex even though he is a pretty trustworthy guy.

He has you eating out of his hand. Of course he just wants sex.

SarahSassy

Well stop having sex with him and then you will know. Why did you break up and what has changed?

Canluum

PeterTheHermit wrote: »

He psychologically bullied you into submission.
He blew hot and cold to keep you off balance.
This is what he wanted all along.

He has you eating out of his hand. Of course he just wants sex.

Um... no!
She broke up with him twice in quick succession. This puts a man on a very defensive footing. So he still liked her and wanted to spend time with her (note there was no sex here during this friendship). She threatens to remove herself from him completely. He can't deal with this so puts down some of the walls he built after being messed around by her.

So now he's standoffish, obviously, because she's screwed him around before and he doesn't want to get burned again. Why someone would jump to the conclusion "he's just with me for sex" is beyond me.

Tbh if it was the bf asking advice I'd tell him to run a mile, OP sounds unstable.

mainstreets

Canluum wrote: »

Um... no!
She broke up with him twice in quick succession. This puts a man on a very defensive footing. So he still liked her and wanted to spend time with her (note there was no sex here during this friendship). She threatens to remove herself from him completely. He can't deal with this so puts down some of the walls he built after being messed around by her.

So now he's standoffish, obviously, because she's screwed him around before and he doesn't want to get burned again. Why someone would jump to the conclusion "he's just with me for sex" is beyond me.

Tbh if it was the bf asking advice I'd tell him to run a mile, OP sounds unstable.

maybe he should run a mile ... but iv definatly gotten my priorities stable now . i dumped him because we were having arguments over him being jealous of guys i was friends with . it was stupid of me . he was head over heels for me and i took that for granted and ruined it .
he is a very honest guy and has alot of respect for girls . for a long time i begged wit him to get back wit me , and i went along with how he wanted us to be just friends but it got to much and i told him i wasnt going to speek to him for a while . he was so definate that he wudnt get back wit me .. then so suddenly a turn around .
now he is quite blunt when we text and stuff , but then he will ask to meet up and hes all lovey to me holding my hand touching off me kissing me .. but i dnt like they way he is speeking to me other then when we are together . one minute im thinkin hes pissed the next , when we are together hes so happy .... What is going on ? i tried askin him he never answers straight

Canluum

mainstreets wrote: »

now he is quite blunt when we text and stuff , but then he will ask to meet up and hes all lovey to me holding my hand touching off me kissing me .. but i dnt like they way he is speeking to me other then when we are together . one minute im thinkin hes pissed the next , when we are together hes so happy .... What is going on ? i tried askin him he never answers straight

You mean the tone of his texts? I've moderated my text tone before with girls: removed smileys and exclamation marks, get rid of xx at the end, just say what I mean and say it straight. Why? I don't want to come off as a something to be taken for granted, a love-sick lap dog always there even after being discarded. This is not what you want either...
Just assume he has a new way of texting that's less flowery and you just read the tone as happy unless he explicitely states otherwise.

He's not being disrespectful so chill out lass. Don't make an issue where one doesn't exist.

mainstreets

Canluum wrote: »

He's not being disrespectful so chill out lass. Don't make an issue where one doesn't exist.

thanks very much for your advice ... i think you are really right im just so on edge with the whole thing i really dont want to ruin it with him .. and i dont want to be annoyin or neurotic either ! im trying to keep it cool! !

Giblet

You dumped him twice, of course he's standoffish. You need to relax before you dump him again and then you will have really lost him

i would move on unless your mad about him he obviously likes you but after being dumped twice i would be cautious too !

G-Money

I haven't read all the replies but if you've dumped him not once, but twice and now you're wondering why he's hesitant and how you're afraid of getting hurt? Sounds to me like you've got things mixed up there OP. It should be him who's afraid of getting hurt seeing you dumped him twice already.

To be honest, I think if I was dumped even once by a girl, there's no way she'd get the chance to do it again. I'm pretty unforgiving when it comes to stuff like that. In my mind if you give someone a chance and they throw it away, you don't give them another.

Also, please don't try to get back with him because you're lonely or bored or for some other disingenuous reason. Some people will do that and all they're doing is really just using that person as a backup until someone better comes along. I'm not saying you are doing that, but for his sake, make sure you don't.

Micahelxcx

Once you dump somebody that's it. You can't expect them to have you back, no matter what you say or do.
If I was given the red card by a gf I would never take her back. She made a decision to dump me so let her stick by that, even if she regrets it very much.
You can't just dump somebody and then take them back. Sounds like you are scared of being alone and just want him until a better, more attractive guy comes along.
And then you will dump the guy again!!

mainstreets

Micahelxcx wrote: »

Sounds like you are scared of being alone and just want him until a better, more attractive guy comes along.
And then you will dump the guy again!!

no better or more attractive guy is going to come along .