Distant, cold, unhappy father.

LegacyUser

I was at a friends house last night and it got me thinking. We were heading into town and her dad offered to give us a lift. I was talking away to him and my friend was too, and I noticed how well they got along. It's not that I thought this was unusual, but it got me thinking about issues with my own dad.

I've never had a proper conversation with him. I'm not exaggerating, there's not one time in my life where I can recall having a meaningful deep conversation with him. We hardly ever speak, there's a terrible tension between us in a room when we're on our own because of an awkward silence.

He rarely congratulates me if I achieve something, a 'well done' if he's in a good mood. I'm not encouraged to do anything from him and he usually points out the negative points about anything I've done.

I've only hugged him a few times in my life. Again, not an exaggeration. Communion and confirmation, a few other times, that's about it.

I never ask him for a favour every now and then because he just flips if I do. He'll moan till the cows come home if I ask for a lift when it's lashing and I don't ever ask for a lift when friends are around because I'm embarrassed by his lack of social skills with them.

He's nicer to his few friends than he is to any of my family. He'll laugh and chat to them but it's just disdain towards us.

On top of all that, he's blown thousands, tens of thousands even on booze over the years. I don't know how big the amount would be if it were all added up but it would be phenomenal. And he refuses to acknowledge this. There are loads more things but I'd go on writing all day if I did go on about them, these are just a few examples.

I'm not asking why he acts like this any more, I'm through with that. It leads nowhere. What I am asking is how do you move on from thinking about these things all the time, how do you stop it from dominating your thoughts?
I've got all this bottled anger and hurt and bitterness towards him, and I have absolutely no where to vent it. It's like my chest is going to explode with these emotions sometime. I want to tell him all this, but I can't because I'm still living under his roof and moving out isn't an option for me right now. I don't know if telling a friend would help, but I'm just so embarrassed by it all I feel I can't tell them, so embarrassed by the fact he's such a strange, cold man and not like my friends normal, nice fathers.

I just want to know how do I stop the crap relationship and atmosphere there is at home from playing up on my mind all the time? The only thing that stops me from blanking out these thoughts with drink is the reminder that I could end up like him if I turn to it.

username123

Reminds me a bit of my dad. He was an alcoholic too.

Alcoholism in the family = dysfunctional behaviour.

Go to Alanon and it will help you work through the issues you have because of this upbringing. What you describe sounds totally normal to me - which is only because I also had a father with a drink problem. Like you I saw other peoples relationships with their fathers and realised that mine was abnormal. I couldnt get my head around any of it until I went to Alanon - I actually went to try to deal with the chaos of the alcoholism - but from going I learnt a lot about the whole area of alcohol related family dysfunction and managed to sort my head out.

Good luck - remember none of this is your fault, you didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it - like the drinking itself, the behaviours are beyond your abilities to fix. Its the behaviour that is most damaging.

Dudess

Some of that (not all to be fair) reminds me of my father too - although he's not an alcoholic. I'll never forget e.g. the mortification of introducing him to friends/guys and his rudeness to them, even if unintended - eventually I just stopped.

OP, you can't change him, especially if he doesn't want to change. I just learned to accept it - and strangely enough, after that, things improved.

LegacyUser

My father is the exact same and I also had a lot issues with him. My father drinks but isnt an alcoholic although he drinks a lot more now he is retired. Drink brings out the worst in him. He is horrible to my mother and to all of us. He has ruined christams' before by getting grumpy and not speaking to anyone even though we try and do everything to please him.

My father is the same where he is great at picking out our negatives but finds it hard to praise us. Always complaining. He still finds it hard to speak to us.

My only advise is to accept who he is and that he probably will never change. Im not sure if you are the same but I wouldnt be able to speak to my father about this as he would fly off the handle!

Fathers are such an important person in a childs life and I know he has damaged my esteem. I think some of them dont realise.

My father only feels sorry for himself and think 'poor me' all the time. I think it might be down to a depression thing within them and they cant see what damage they are doing to their children. I am 27 now and have moved away since I was 17 and still find it hard to go home for a night if he is in one of his moods. Its really horrible as like you Im very envious of anyone being close to their fathers and their fathers praising them.

I think they just dont realise how anyone else feels. If you think you could talk to him about it maybe you could try and say how you are feeling?

LegacyUser

I really get what you mean. While I wouldn't say that my relationship with my dad is terrible, it's pretty much...non-existant.

It's pretty much the same, never showed me or my brothers any affection, never came to anything at my school, has a very bad relationship with my mother (but won't divorce her), and has given us some pretty bad Christmases and birthdays over the years. He is not an alcoholic, and while he drinks, that is definitely not the cause of his behavoir.

I used to get a bit jealous of friends with 'nicer' dads too, but I have to admit that instead of resenting him over the years I've come to pay less and less attention to his moods and his mean comments, and have grown to be indifferent. In some ways I even understand why he is that way, as he had some pretty dysfunctional parents himself. I still care about him, obviously, because he is my dad, but he really doesn't have a big effect on my life anymore and I am happier for it.

My advice would be to just try and not let it affect you. As the previous posters have said, that's the way he is and he's probably not going to change, so just focus on your own life and don't let him get you down. Once you don't expect him to be better, it all gets easier and his behaviour just becomes background noise.

And from your post I assume you still live with him, is there any chance you can move out? It is so much easier having a good relationship with your parents when you don't live under the same roof...

mikewest

Is it possible - ever - to ask him why he is unhappy. You mentioned this fact in the title and then never mentioned it again. You may find out the reasons for his coldness and distance if you find out the reason for his unhappiness. It may never change the way you get on with him but it may allow you to understand him. Just a thought OP

Taltos

OP - one way to move forward is to make yourself a promise - right now - that when you are a parent you will never repeat the mistakes of your father.

You will be warm, loving, caring and above all be there always for your child. So that they know from your actions that you love them.

I am not suggesting that your dad does not love you - it is just probably not easy to see from his behaviour. All you can do is rise above it and stop letting him get to you.
As an alcoholic dad - you really should try to get some help here. With their help it might be easier to learn how to just accept him for who he is and to stop blaming yourself.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP here, just want to say thanks for all the replies, it's given me a lot to consider/ think about.

To answer a couple of questions, approaching him about how he is/ how he's feeling would most likely end badly, any time my mam tried he just flew into a rage and stormed off, and moving out won't be possible for another year or so, I'll just have to learn how to deal with him and not dwell on things in the meantime.

Thanks again , - op.