Can I change his mind?

LegacyUser

Ex and I broke up a few months ago. He did it, citing a change in feelings. I was obviously heart-broken, but also really angry and convinced myself that it had been entirely his fault - he had been a bad boyfriend, while I had been a near perfect girlfriend. Recently I've started to realise that actually I wasn't a great girlfriend. I accused him of being unwilling to compromise and immature, when in fact I was the same. Looking back, I'm cringing at the way I treated him at times. I think I took him for granted and behaved very badly.

I really want to give things another go, but seeing as he did the dumping, obviously he'd need to be convinced. We met recently, as friends, and had such a lovely time together. I left feeling great, but afterwards was when I started to realise a lot of things had been my fault. I also realised how much I've grown up and changed since the break up. I sent him a long email yesterday, not asking to get back together, but outlining what I said above. I did mention I'd like to give things another shot. I haven't heard back yet, and I don't really know if I will. There's no hard feelings between us anymore though.

Basically, what should I do? Should I wait for a reply to the email, should I just phone him and ask to meet to talk, or should I just leave it? I find it very hard to let things like that go, especially in this case when I know we didn't do enough to try and save it in the first place. I don't want to seem like a bunny boiler, but when things were good with us, they were fecking great.

Do you think it would be possible that he might be willing to change his mind? I've no idea where he stands right now. About a month after the break up, he hadn't changed his mind (I asked) but it's been another couple of months now. Is this just a fool's errand? Am I setting myself up for a fall?

carmel27

I definitely dont think you should do anything else until you get a reply to that email, however long that takes. It might sound harsh, but he broke up with you, so you're probably best to leave him be, for a while anyway. If you keep making contact, you will probably piss him off a bit, and you may come across as desperate/bunny boiler-ish! Its hard when you like someone, but it'll give him time to think, whilst your dignity and self respect will also remain intact. If you pester him, you risk putting him off altogether.

Good Luck OP:)

Kiera

All you can do now is hope he replies to your email. If he doesnt then you know where you stand. Do not contact him again. The ball is in his court.

dublingal80

your title asks if you can change his mind. no you cant. Only he can change his mind... would you want to be with him if you had to force him into giving it another chance?

You have done all you can. you have emailed him and you have been completely honest and open with him. there is actually nothing more you can do. You have to see if he replies back and if he does, he might just reply to say thanks for the email, but he doesnt love you like that any more and he just wants to be friends, or he might not reply at all

Dont call him. Just leave him be and he should hopefully reply

Faith

I'm in such a similar position :eek:! I know it's hard, but like the others said, you just have to wait. There's nothing more than can be done without looking desperate, and if you want to show him that you really have grown up and changed, being clingy and chasing him down isn't going to help.

LegacyUser

In regard to email, What happens if their is no reply, What does it mean?

Does that leave you in limbo?

I honestly cant understand why a person would not reply to an email, basic good manners.

I rather get a return email to say not to contact again them to be ignored

Hope you get an reply

you might be one person in the world but to another person you might be the world

LegacyUser

You're right, I just have to wait I suppose. ct12000 he's really bad with non-direct communication. It can take him weeks to reply to an email. He was always awful at texting when we were together too. Maybe it's laziness, maybe he just forgets. But that's part of the reason I'm anxious about it too. I'm afraid he'll just forget to reply or something. I suppose I should take it that I'm not that important to him in that case really . I would definitely prefer a reply saying he's not interested in working on things than him ignoring it.

I'll do my best to put it out of my mind now. He has to come back to me of his own accord if things are going to work, I suppose. I just wish I could telepathically cattle prod him into replying soon to settle things .

I'm so convinced that we could make a decent go of it if we were to try again. I'd love if he could think that way too.

dsmythy

ex issues wrote: »

You're right, I just have to wait I suppose. ct12000 he's really bad with non-direct communication. It can take him weeks to reply to an email. He was always awful at texting when we were together too. Maybe it's laziness, maybe he just forgets. But that's part of the reason I'm anxious about it too. I'm afraid he'll just forget to reply or something. I suppose I should take it that I'm not that important to him in that case really . I would definitely prefer a reply saying he's not interested in working on things than him ignoring it.

If he wants you back, he'll be in touch. He certainly won't forget. He could have read the e-mail and is now considering things. In the meantime just work on the presumption that he doesn't want you back and try move forward. Maybe you'll get a pleasant surprise one day, maybe not. Hard as it is just try think about yourself and what you want to do with you.

dublingal80

im in your situation op

Just be aware that if he does reply to your email, he may not give you anything concrete that you can go on. i did the whole, email the ex, 2 weeks ago and he replied back a week later and he still doesnt make sense

GRR MEN :rolleyes:

ash23

This is a phase you are going through.

People say that the end of a relationship is like a death and in a way it is.
And I think you go through similar phases.

1. Denial - where you think that it's not actually happening, he'll change his mind, lots of people break up and get back together......
2. Anger - stupid bas*ard, he's a useless piece of sh!t, I'm much too good for him, how dare he dump me, he'll regret it, he;ll never find someone as good as me ...........
3. Bargaining (this is where you are at) - I'll change, I'll do anything, it wasn't just his fault, I was bad too and if I get him back I'll never nag, give out, be moody or cranky again.........
4. Depression - self explanatory really. You feel sh1t about yourself, like you'll never be happy again or you'll never have as good a man as him again. And you don't really care if you are or not.
5. Acceptance - the best bit. You know it's over. You know you'll be ok. You know you're better off. You also know that while you made your mistakes it wasn't all you, there were two people involved. You also know that it wasn't meant to be and that you can be happy, maybe even happier than you ever were with him. And you move on and get on with life.

Of course, this isn't applicable to everyone and not everyone follows this pattern. Stages are varied in length.

Personally I went from denial to bargaining and back to denial and back to bargaining again. All very short. Then a long bout of anger, a small dip into depression which was short lived (I think the anger stage is still ongoing a little bit though ) and acceptance.

You've said what you had to say and now it's up to him. But odds are, even if ye do get back together, the same problems will arise again.

PeterTheHermit

He did the breaking up so it is up to him to mend things.

You are second guessing your decisions and behaviour because this is only natural after a relationship ends. That's dangerous.

Meeting him again triggers happy memories and that's only natural too.

But if you back to him, if you make the first move, there is every possibility that things will not work just as they didn't work before.

You should cut your losses and move on.

You shouldn't be waiting around and pining after him.
Meet someone else and cut your ex out of your life if you have to.

Miss Fluff

Poor OP, it's awful feeling so helpless I am sure.

You will thank yourself if you behave with dignity though. You have sent him an email spilling your heart out to him. He needs to digest that. He may reply. He may not. But you can't expedite the outcome so you just have to leave it now. You have said your piece and that's better than leaving it with a lot left unsaid sure, but you can't keep doing that either.

He won't "forget" to reply if he wants to reply. And he may not reply because he genuinely has nothing to say. You asked him to get back together after a month and he said no. You are now asking him for a second time. You can't continue asking him that question either. Never a truer statement than "if you love someone let them go and if it's meant to be they will come back". If he wants to get back with you, it is a decision he will make on his own. He now knows your position thanks to your recent email so you don't need to follow it up with phonecalls or texts.

This pain WILL ease with time m'dear but it is also important to try and realise that you may not be getting back together with him. The moment you realise that that is a possibility, is the moment you can start moving on. Hugs.

LegacyUser

It does seem as though he's moved on. I suppose he made the decision, so he came to terms with it before I even knew about it. He's also had several serious relationships, so maybe he knows from experience that it probably won't work out. Still, I'd genuinely like the chance to make that mistake myself. I'll never learn from it if I don't make it.

I'm trying my best to keep my mind on the fact that we're over. I keep telling myself that's it, we're done, he's not coming back, and I'm better off. But the more I try to stop myself thinking that he'll come back to me, the more i think it! He still hasn't replied, so either he's really mulling things over, or he's not going to reply. I should add, at no point in the email did I ask him to come back to me. I simply alluded to the fact that I'd be open to us trying again. Most of the email was talking about how I've changed since the break up (in good ways).

To be honest, if he doesn't reply to such a clearly important and personal email, I think that's a pretty good sign that he's not that great of a guy after all. He's the one who begged me to stay friends with me; and ignoring something like that isn't the mark of a good friend or a good boyfriend.

Shivers26

A few months ago, I was in your position. I had been in a serious long term relationship, mostly good but not without its problems.
He ended and went overseas to work. I emailed and believe me, desperate doesn't even come close to what I was. Whatever is worse than desperate, that was me.
I realised eventually that he was not coming back and I needed to get a grip. I read that book 'Its Called a Breakup because its Broken' and it helped a lot. Plus telling myself that it was over, move on. I did start to move on and things began to look up.

Then, almost out of the blue he decided he had always loved me, missed me etc etc and could we please be together again. So.... we got back together and things have been going ok. I have to be honest here, the relationship was broken and we are forcing it back together. We love each other very much but we are just not right for each other. Anyway, thats my sad little tale.

Point of the story: under no circumstances should you contact him any way. No call, text, email, snail mail, pigeon. You have put yourself out there. If you chase any more you will get hurt. Right now you still have some of your self respect (I had none of mine). Hang on to it and let what happens happen.

You'll be ok

Micahelxcx

Hi,

You have twice asked him back. After a month and he said no. And no a few months later he 'alluded' to being open to trying again.

And he broke up in the first place.

I would move on. Forget him. There are plenty of other guys out there single and who would love the opportunity of meeting a nice girl like you.

You say you've changed since the break up and that is good. Use the experience you've gained, both positive and negative, to help in your personal development and in your next relationship.

Don't contact him again. Don't be looking at your inbox every hour hoping to see his reply.

If you really love this guy you will want what is best for him, so let him go.