Funeral etiqette

gubby

Can anyone answer this for me. Supposing you want to pay your respects to the family at a funeral, so you go the 3 day thing. Rosary, Removal, and Burial.. ok so on the first night you offer your condolences to the family.. next night, do you also go and do the whole shake hands again.. and again on the next day at the funeral?
I think that once is enough, but having said that I would like the family to know that I made the effort to also come to the removal on the second night. There is a good chance that they will see you on the day of the funeral but maybe not on the night of the removal. So, does anyone know what the correct thing to do is?
Also, I would like to know (to settle an argument) When doing a guard of honour.. does one wear the black band on the left or the right arm? it would be good to know these things.

Max Power1

you do know this is AH right? You arent likely to get many serious responses!

AFAIK the black band (like a watch etc) is worn on the left arm.

easyeason3

gubby wrote: »

Can anyone answer this for me. Supposing you want to pay your respects to the family at a funeral, so you go the 3 day thing. Rosary, Removal, and Burial.. ok so on the first night you offer your condolences to the family.. next night, do you also go and do the whole shake hands again.. and again on the next day at the funeral?
I think that once is enough, but having said that I would like the family to know that I made the effort to also come to the removal on the second night. There is a good chance that they will see you on the day of the funeral but maybe not on the night of the removal. So, does anyone know what the correct thing to do is?
Also, I would like to know (to settle an argument) When doing a guard of honour.. does one wear the black band on the left or the right arm? it would be good to know these things.

Are you planning on going to a lot of funerals?

Kiera

TBH, when my Dad died I couldn’t tell you who I saw the first, second or third day/night. It wouldn’t be any harm to go up on the second day with everyone else.

Beruthiel

gubby wrote: »

Supposing you want to pay your respects to the family at a funeral, so you go the 3 day thing. Rosary, Removal, and Burial..

Firstly, unless it is close family, or your very best friend in the whole world, I can't for the life of me get why you would go three times?

As for shaking their hand, I personally would think once is enough.
I seriously don't get how people cope with that part of an irish funeral.
It's not enough that someone you love is gone, you have to go through a million people coming up to you on top of that.
i would find that a nightmare, maybe that's just me though....

UpCork

I would normally sympathise at the removal (I only attend rosaries if they are for extended family/close friends as I believe them to be a very private affair) and then on the day of the Mass I would wait until after the funeral procession has left the Church (if I do not attend the burial) and as I am leaving, go up to the family and just say whatever you deem suitable at the time. If I am attending the burial then I would speak to the family at the graveyard.

Abrasax

gubby wrote: »

Also, I would like to know (to settle an argument) When doing a guard of honour.. does one wear the black band on the left or the right arm? it would be good to know these things.

Are you just back from New Zealand, OP?

rebel10

Agree with most things said here. Honestly, if someone close to you has died you won't remember the people who came to you from one night to the next. Can i just add, I agree with the person who said the Rosary is a private affair. I would never attend a rosary if i was not closely related or friends with the person who has died.
Also, the bereaved will be tired from the three days of mourning, so don't go up to them each night for the handshake. I remember when my father died, I was obviously touched by the amount of people wishing to offer their sympathy to me but I would also have liked more time to just look on him for the last time (removal) and say my own goodbyes.

Banned Account

Whatever you do, don't fap at the rosary - it will not be thanked.

Try not to poke the corpse or tell people you saw it moving

Whilst it is permissable to hit on any hot mourners, it is best to make sure no-one else sees you do it.

Always take the ham sandwiches straight away or you'll be left with the egg ones.

Don't wear a hawaiian shirt.

GavRedKing

Fitzcaraldo wrote: »

Whatever you do, don't fap at the rosary - it will not be thanked.

Try not to poke the corpse or tell people you saw it moving

Whilst it is permissable to hit on any hot mourners, it is best to make sure no-one else sees you do it.

Always take the ham sandwiches straight away or you'll be left with the egg ones.

Don't wear a hawaiian shirt.

Great advice, may I also add, when hitting on hot mourners make sure its at any drink fuelled event, like the afters in the pub or something.

UpCork

I remember when my grand-mother died many, many people came up to the family to shake our hands and sympathise. Afterwards each one of us could only remember a handful of people that came up to shake our hands. It wasn't until a good while later when we were looking at the book that is at the back of the funeral home (is there a name for this??) that we realised that we hadn't even registered some of the people who attended and who evidently shook our hands.

I think if you sign the book, shakes hands once just to let the bereaved know you are there, and then maybe send a card afterwards etc, then that's enough.

Often it's after the funeral is over that people need to know they have the support of others. Often the sheer grief and the upset gets you through the three days, it's afterwards that the bereaved usually appreciate a friendly face and a bit of support.

Some people unfortunately go to rosaries/removals/funerals for all the wrong reasons i.e. to gawp and gossip. I attended a funeral in the latter half of last year - an elderly lady who was close to the family and I had known all my life as had my family. I went in said my prayer, paid my respects and sat at the end. For about 20 minutes a group of old women stood around the coffin, looking at the body and 'whispering' among themselves how the deceased didn't look like she had in life, how she'd 'aged' etc. I say 'whispering'. I was down the back of a big room and I could hear quite clearly what they were saying, so no doubt the family heard to. If it had been me, I'd have been furious.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that in such circumstances often less is more.

ScumLord

For gawds sake it's bad enough the family have to stand for hours shaking the hands of every funeral crasher for miles around don't go back for a second go and drag it out even more.

If you really want to help what I do is hide in the fridge pretending to be Zoul from ghost busters.

krudler

Beruthiel wrote: »

Firstly, unless it is close family, or your very best friend in the whole world, I can't for the life of me get why you would go three times?

As for shaking their hand, I personally would think once is enough.
I seriously don't get how people cope with that part of an irish funeral.
It's not enough that someone you love is gone, you have to go through a million people coming up to you on top of that.
i would find that a nightmare, maybe that's just me though....

This, I hate the standing in the funeral home, watching dozens if not hundreds of complete strangers to you shake your hand and mutter "sorry for your troubles" over and over and over and over for the lenght of time it takes. I cant stand when people who barely knew the deceased come along to the funeral, I wouldnt go to someones funeral I only ever said hello to or didnt know personally. It should be a time for family and friends grieving, not randoms who once were in the same pub as the deceased and came to "pay respects", imo it'd be a lot more respectful to let the family deal with it without having hordes of people encroaching on their time and having to worry about etiquette and feeding people who they dont know for an evening.

Theres a guy in my town who goes to every funeral thats on, hes a complete oddball but "hes a character" is most peoples excuse for his sh1tty behaviour, he was at my grandfathers funeral 2 years ago and made a point of making himself visible at the removal, and even came up to the front of the line when we were walking behind the hearse going from the funeral home to the church, chatting away about stupid **** to my family, one of my uncles pulled him aside and told him in no uncertain terms to fcuk off or he'd make him.

Max Power1

Jason Voorhees costume FTW

ballsymchugh

shake hands once. if you know the family pretty well then call over after the removal for a chat and a sangwich but don't impose. i appreciated every single handshake i got at my own father's funeral, even though i hadn't a notion who most of the people were, apart from the local councillors that showed up, and felt the need to sign the book with their title too.
as another poster said, you'd be better off to call over once the fuss has died down and they don't have the wave of support to carry them on so much.

and fitzcaraldo, reading the other posts reminded me of sad times, yours was just brilliant. thanks!

gubby

Thanks for all the replies but I would like to say that I am not a "serial" funeral goer and like someone else said I try to only go to funerals of people I do actually know and have respect for. however, there are going to be times when you will go because you know/work with a close relation of the deceased. I appreciate that you may not know everyone who turns up but they may be friends of one of your siblings etc. I actually think it is very comforting for the family that so many people took the time to pay their respects to you and your family in grief. you always remember who DIDNT show up. I dont agree with people who say "oh I hate funerals so I dont ever go" or "I hate hospitals so I never visit" I am sorry but I think that is just plain selfish. thanks to all who answered my orignal question and I do agree that it would be kinda stupid to shake hands again but wouldnt you still like them to know you were there?

stupidusername

I know if it was me I couldn't give a shít what you do.

baldbear

If its a very close friends relative then its nice to go to both the removal and funeral. Shaking hands or hugging is grand the once. But if you're there the second day maybe go to the pub or wherever with the family for a hang sangidge or a pint after. They'll appreciate it.
When i was at a removel as a child i was about 4 i said in the funeral parlour "Mammy look at the gorilla" the place was packed.:eek:

bertie4evr

+1 to the Ham sandwich tip.Who eats egg sandwiches?

theboss80

OP this springs to mind for you to avoid doing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB7R14xBI6g

PS only the one time to shake hand is enough in my opinion.

NothingMan

Well if it's anything like my friends dads funeral, stand around outside and make inappropriate jokes about how he was suffocated between the thighs of a thai lady boy. That was the son who started that one off. That was the most fun funeral I was ever at, despite the man being relatively young and dying suddenly.