Am I an Irrationally Jealous Person?

LegacyUser

So lately I've started to question myself. I believe I am quite overly jealous, suspicious and paranoid when it comes to my girlfriend. It all started about a month ago. She is friends with this guy and they would regularly meet. I dont have a problem with that but a month ago I discovered they had been upstairs in her bedroom. Now she told me she was just showing him some pictures from the wedding but my immediate reaction was suspicion. Personally I dont find it appropirate for a women in a relationship to bring another man into her bedroom even if it is a friend. What was worse was her housemates were all having friends over and after the guy left and I arrived I could just tell what they were all thinking just went on with my girlfriend and her friend. Honestly I was completely embarassed but my girlfriend told me I was being completely unreasonable. I admitted I was being completely irrational but I just couldnt help how I felt. We had a huge argument and eventually we got over it.
Now recently theres a new guy that has started working with her. Shes told me on a few occassions how handsome this guy is and from talking to her female friends they all seem to adore him. My girlfriend started asking could we take him out and I said yeah sure. I was obviously a little insecure but not immediately taken aback. Then I find out that my girlfriend and her co-worker have been meeting with him quite regularly. My girlfriend says she wants to keep meeting with him because she really likes him and I said fine but I also stated that I was a little insecure that she was trying desperately to befriend this guy (shes had plenty of male co workers come and go and never such an effort) so of course I am wondering why such a difference towards this guy and not other guys who have worked with her in the past (the fact that he is extremely goodlooking perhaps?)
She also told another co-worker about my insecurity with this new guy and that really upset me because I would never discuss her insecurities with any of my friends and now am worried this is going to get back to the guy.
So I've been told in both instances I have been completely unreasonable, that I am paranoid, suspicious and extremely jealous and need to see a pyschiatrist. I can see where shes coming from but I tried to argue that I just feel its a normal human reaction to get jealous when finding out your partner was spending time in her bedroom alone with another man and when your partner constantly tells you how goodlooking another man is and how much she likes him and how she wants to meet with him again.
Things came to a head when 2 days ago she said she was going for a drink with her friend. I then asked "oh is anyone else going?" and she sheepishly added oh yeah X (new guy from work) I got angry that she had tried to hide that from me as it just seemed like she was sneaking around and that is a bad sign. She argued that she told me when I asked but I said she was being evasive and she wouldnt of told unless I asked. She said she only didnt tell me because she thought I'd get paranoid. I said I dont know how I would of reacted but sneaking around and trying not to be honest is not a good sign for the relationship.
So I just want some insight. And If I am completely in the wrong here then what avenues can I use to work on my jealously and suspicious nature?
Thanks.

ilovetosing

Look your jealous and for your insecurities you seem fairly level headed and never DEMANDED or TOLD her what she can and cant do. You approached her in the correct manner and asked her to consider you which she blatently did not!

Now for the bit you prob don't want to hear! If I was you I would be dumping her straight away. Total lack of disrespect from her dude! I know you have insecurities, nearly every man does but you have to MAN up! She is treating you like a conselation prize and I don't know any man who would be happy with that kind of treatment from his GF. No man or woman in a relationship deserves to be treated so foolishly.

Things happen for a reason man, you WILL find much much better in the future after her if you dump her.

Ickle Magoo

Okay, you have a choice. You can either trust that she's with you and wants to be in a faithful relationship with you or you can keep with the jealous, suspicion driven digs until you turn your fears into a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Sit her down and tell her how you feel, ask her to stop playing games with you & let her know what boundaries you want to have in your relationship. If you feel unappreciated or if she keeps disregarding or disrespecting boundaries then the relationship is never going to work anyway.

Best of luck.

trebor28

ok i can only see one outcome here.
and it doesnt look good for your relationship.
everyone gets jealous, and that can lead to irrationality, but she is kinda walking all over you rubbing it in your face.
i bet she wouldnt like if you told her a jessica alba (or whoever) lookalike started in your workplace and you were hanging around with her.

you have two options,
1. try and move on and get walked on and tear yourself apart trying to force down these feelings of jealousy and ends in you completely not trusting her every minute of the day.
or
2. walk away and leave her to her own devices. she isnt gona change til she has you and the relationship destroyed.

seenitall

Yeah... another case of attention-seeking, head-wrecking g/f (there is a similar thread going on here atm).

This kind of carry-on is OK for teenagers, but it is the kiss of death for mature relationships.

It will all end in tears anyhow, so better end it now. Sorry.

LegacyUser

iratjea wrote: »

So I've been told in both instances I have been completely unreasonable, that I am paranoid, suspicious and extremely jealous and need to see a pyschiatrist. I can see where shes coming from but I tried to argue that I just feel its a normal human reaction to get jealous when finding out your partner was spending time in her bedroom alone with another man and when your partner constantly tells you how goodlooking another man is and how much she likes him and how she wants to meet with him again.

I would raise my eyebrow if my boyfriend was doing what your girlfriend is doing. She calls this other guy good looking in front of you-if my boyfriend started calling another girl good looking in front of me, and started spending lots of time with her, I'd tell him to make up his mind who he wants to be with. She also crossed the line when she spoke to a colleague about your insecurities. Your girlfriend is giving you mixed messages. You asked her what's going on and she replied by saying you're insecure, jealous and in need of psychiatric help, which is an over the top response to a straightforward question. You made the effort to communicate your worries, and she's thrown them back in your face.

Whether you have any right to be worried about this new guy or not is totally beside the point. We all get a little jealous or a little irrational at times. The important thing is to calmly talk about it, which is what you've done. Is there really any point in being with someone who dismisses your worries like the way your girlfriend has done?

StarryMoon0

Ok, lets assume innocance here for a moment.

You wonder why she hid the fact she was going out for drinks with him? Well, pretty easy to see why..because you don't want her to. You may not have demanded she not, but you're probably giving off a pretty strong vibe.

Some people are like this..ok, she shouldn't be going on how great he is ect..however, that could be in innocence.

99% of my friends are male. I go for drinks with them, I go for dinner with them, to movies, they have stayed over and slept on my sofa while (shock and horror) my OH hase NOT been in the house. I am going away for a weekend break with one of them shortly in fact, on my own.. yes, without my OH. I am a big girl, and I have NEVER, repeat NEVER done anything with a male friend to jeprodize my marriage.
The thought would never ever cross my mind at all. They are friends. I have hugged them, kissed them on the cheek, supported them through thier trials and they have done the same for me, even to the extent of holding me while i sobbed uncontrollably in thier arms for hours..or sat on the other end of the phone to listen to me rant rave and cry during some recent problems.

Women are different to men like that maybe..why would i not have a friend into my bedroom to look at something, or fetch something? I treat these guys no different than i would a female friend. Here's a big juicy one: I have even changed clothing in the same room as some..i simpy demand they turn thier back and close thier eyes..

When i got with my OH, i told him all my mates are males, he seems ok enough with it. Oh I'm sure somedays he wonders maybe, but he trusts me enough to live my life as I please. You have to give trust in relationship, unless its proven otherwise. If she breaks your trust, then fair enough..but till then, stop looking for problems. Will drive you mad and destroy your relationship.

If anyones looking for a reason for my close friendships with males , or thinks thta my actions are not on, well, i have issues with females and do not feel comfy around them, can't relate.. I'm all girl in every way, but prefer to hang out with guys. Nothing wrong with that as long as i don't break rules or trust.

Talk with her. How old is she? Sometimes when we are "younger" we get "into" a friend..and its all "x does this, x does that, x says this". Doesn't mean she has a thing for him, she's just excited to have a new friend.. its not a bad thing, maybe just a bit too much enthusism As for telling people how you were insecure, again, is she young enough that she doesn't realise that some things just aren't said? Or maybe she was quite upset about it and just needed to talk with people about it. If you can't speak to your friends when your upset, then you have no support whatsoever and life just ends up being cr@ppy. Sometimes we need to look outside to get perspective on things, maybe she was fishing to see if other people agreed with you??

AngryBadger

If the tables were turned I suspect you'd be getting the rough edge of her tongue for this sort of behavior.

It's not like you're trying to dictate who she socialise with, but it's unfair of her to take issue with your response when she's constantly talking this guy up, going out of her way to befriend him, and apparently being less than open with you about it.

I don't think you're being irrational, I think your gf is being insensitive, and inconsiderate.

But I'm crazy like that

JayC5

I'm kind of on your side iratjea,

Others may disagree with me on this but I think there are limitations to what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship. I'm not in anyway saying that we should stunt our social lives or interactions when in a relationship but hone them slightly out of respect for our significant other.

For example, a previous poster commented on being held for hours in the arms of a male friend whilst sobbing uncontrollably or going away on their own for weekends with them, undressing in front of them, the excessive exchange of platonic kisses etc etc, now I know that any partner I've ever been with would not be happy at all with that level of intimacy with someone outside of the relationship, and I'd tend to feel the same way. It's not a 'trust issue' which I'm sure people would jump to label it, I just don't think it's appropriate. I, for one, would not indulge in behaviour like this when I'm seeing someone and would expect the same in return. Call me a prude but hey, that's how I see it - fair enough if we are talking about teenagers here but I don't think late 20s / early 30s types would be so 'touch feely'... maybe I'm wrong, am I? Put it this way, I've a large group of friends and I can tell you now that all of them would say the same.


In your case I think she is being a bit unfair, granted this work chap may be a bit of a looker but why the need to broadcast this - so what, he scrubs up well, surely she would have the cop-on to know it's information you don't need. She just seems very eager to befriend this fella and I think any normal-thinking guy would be curious as to why? If you came home spouting about some hot blonde and orchestrating 'drinkies' with her in secrecy something tells me you'd be met with a few stern words. It all smacks of immaturity to be honest, fair enough she might be attracted to him (we all enjoy a look every now and again) but if she cares about you then your feelings should be her priority - by this I mean she should tone down the praise and if meething this chap for drinks keep it on a professional level, in a neutral setting with other colleagues and nothing more. How old is she if you don't mind me asking?

I also think she's being unreasonable with you by becoming irate when you expressed your opinion, if you can't talk to someone on an adult level then I'm fairly certain it spells doom for the relationship further down the line. What is she achieving by throwing a strop? - I went out with a girl before who threw the tantrum card when I expressed opinions that were out of sync with her solipsistic outlook on life, needless to say we didn't stay together very long. A relationship IMO is about communication, trust, acceptance peppered with a certain element of sacrifice i.e. knowing that the rules of a partnership are slightly more refined than that of a singleton.

To summarize: she sounds childish and a tad selfish if you don't mind me saying so - Maybe you should show her this thread and let her read it before approaching her on it again...?

StarryMoon0

JayC5 wrote: »

For example, a previous poster commented on being held for hours in the arms of a male friend whilst sobbing uncontrollably or going away on their own for weekends with them, undressing in front of them, the excessive exchange of platonic kisses etc etc, now I know that any partner I've ever been with would not be happy at all with that level of intimacy with someone outside of the relationship, and I'd tend to feel the same way.

I do appreciate your point..and I can see where your coming from. Bear in mind I'm in a long term relationship, if I'd only been with my OH a year or somthing, not behaviour I'd expect him to accept. However, 11 years and never a reason not to trust me. He knows all my male friends, I don't hide them away. He is also friends with some of them..in fact most of them.

I'll make explanations, not because I feel I have to, but just so you don't think I'm a total tart.
The undressing was done with the OH in the room, well in the bathroom ..was nothing to hide, and there was no peeking. This friend is like my brother..
The kissing on the cheek..umm..this is pretty normal in some countries. Its not a "i love you kiss" its a kiss on the edge of the cheek while saying hello or goodbye..
The holding me while crying was because i had been betrayed deeply by my OH and I had no where to turn to but a great friend who happened to be male. The betrayal was so significant that the OH and I separated.
Would it have been different if he was a female and i cried on her shoulder because the love of my life broke every bond of trust a couple can have? I'm not cranky here, just curious as to your thoughts.

A friend holding another in support when they are at emitional breaking point is not really touchy feely..

Maybe I'm more liberal than others. I'm fine with my behaviour because I set very high moral standards for myself and anyone who knows me knows that I would never cross "that" line.

I was just trying to point out that the OP's girlfriend could be like me, or maybe a bit immature and is excited over her new friend.