Serious cracks and not the good ones

LegacyUser

A bit of background. Me and my girlfriend are from two different countries. I'm Irish and 23, she is from a different part of Europe and 21. We met when she was working in Dublin, she had to move home very soon after that but i went to see her and we have done the long distance, have now been together for about 2 years. I moved over to her country for a few months last summer and again this year to be with her and also to find work because Ireland, as many of you already know, is complete shíte at the moment. I got myself sorted here, have a job and live in a place where I have plenty of friends. She couldn't move to Ireland because she is in college and will be for a few more years. Fair enough. No argument with that.

However, some cracks have surfaced in the past, mainly over her actions before we met. I don't post on boards but I've read over a few threads here and the general concensus is that what happened in a persons past is their business and that is where it should stay. In an ideal world, christ i may as well be honest, in MY ideal world that is exactly what would happen! But it hasn't. And ive been trying to get this issue out of my mind and so far, it hasn't worked.

Well that's not completely true. It has, but not for very long periods of time. For the last couple of months, I've barely given it a moments thought. Now however, I've been reminded of it all over again and to be perfectly honest, I have no idea why.

There is a few things I need to clear up. No, I didn't ask about the milage and previous owners. It came up in conversation because she can be one of these eejits who just "lets things slip". Yes, I later did ask her something about an ex because something at the time told me it was worth enquiring about. Wasn't a good thing to ask because she cheated on him and in a pretty lousy way too. It later surfaced that she slept with married men, one in a jacks. The other I assumed was a drunken mistake (hey, we all make them) but of course, it wasn't. It was something that lasted a few months and all behind his family's back. she didn't give a **** initially bit she eventually felt bad and ended it. Lesson learned? I honestly don't know. How does it take a few months to work out something like that is wrong? The rest I'm assuming were just one night stands and I don't know what went on there and have no intention of finding out.

She basically has a history of treating lads like crap. I didn't see this initially because it was long distance. When I moved to her last year, she was a complete bítch. She admitted this herself months later. I was well into her and so through rose tinted glasses, let it slide. But eventually her past was a real issue then because i found out yet more stuff AFTER i left my home. Yeah yeah i know, never ever ask but it's too late for that now and to be honest, I felt like a complete tool. I thought she was something she wasn't. We were on holiday last year and she told me that she found my mate in the hostel more attractive. Who in the name of christ tells that to their boyfriend/girlfriend?!

There seems to be a double standard too. Recently, she had a bit of a problem with a friend of mine who liked me. I refused her, she got over it and we are friends and she has a boyfriend now anyway. No bother. What does my girlfriend do? Get's pissed off and starts saying things like "no respect for other people's relationships". This kind of crap annoys me and so I told her that it wasn't a big deal and anyway, she hasn't exactly restricted herself from attached men! Why was my mate such a bítch for it? Because "that was different". the fact that she didn't want to steal a guys wife, just sleep with him, made it less serious.

She has apologised and assured me she isn't like that anymore. She hasn't once cheated on me...she says. I've never cheated on her either. Ideally, i should put all this behind me and never mention it again.

But i can't. I'm absolutely broken in half about this. I do love her, there's a lot of things I love about her but there are other things that I hate. And for ages i thought it was jealousy (because that seems to be the general tone of the other threads here in issues like this) but I'm starting to think it might be a bloody warning! or my gut instinct telling me to get out, despite all I've put in. I have a friend who has a similar past to my girlfriend and I honestly wouldn't trust her as far as i can throw my car.

So I'm just looking for some advice from people and maybe some other people's experiences. Better yet, I'd love to hear from people who might have had a colourful past like hers and maybe give some insight because you would know better than me.

Sorry about the length of this. I intended to make it as short as possible but thanks if you read down this far.

Ickle Magoo

You have two choices. You can accept all that's gone on in the past and trust her or you can end things. Sitting stewing about details you have no power to change or worry about what ifs & maybes into the future is utterly pointless.

You need to talk, tell her how you feel, tell her how you feel about her insensitive comment about your mate, etc, etc. Talk, talk, talk is the only way to get past any insecurities and if that doesn't work then cut your losses and start afresh - tho be aware, the older you get the longer a history people have. There is no point getting worked up about what people have done in the past, some cheat or have a lot of partners and then meet someone and never cheat or have another partner again. If you are constantly looking over your shoulder then it's always going to be an issue. Move on or move away, is my advice.

LegacyUser

You need to talk, tell her how you feel, tell her how you feel about her insensitive comment about your mate, etc, etc. Talk, talk, talk is the only way to get past any insecurities and if that doesn't work then cut your losses and start afresh - tho be aware, the older you get the longer a history people have.

I'm well aware of this. It isn't so much the high numbers, it's the way it was done and the thing I'm asking myself is why not just sleep with people who were single? There's plenty out there!

A.Partridge

Op...not being funny but if she is only 21 now that means she was just 19 or younger when all this happened?

How would she have been mature enough at 19 to know what's right or wrong?

I'd say give her a break. In fact I'd also say give her some space too.

Ickle Magoo

AbsolutelyExausted wrote: »

I'm well aware of this. It isn't so much the high numbers, it's the way it was done and the thing I'm asking myself is why not just sleep with people who were single? There's plenty out there!

If you are well aware of it then why haven't you done it?

If it's some kind of moral stance you are taking then the same applies, ask your questions, accept the answers or move on - there is nothing to be gained from speculating. I don't know many people that don't have a few skeletons kicking around in their closets, at least she's been upfront about it - it's up to you now to decide if it's something you are happy to live with.

Glenshane Pass

Anyway, if you can't trust her and you are constantly uneasy about it, get out of it.

No doubt, fair balls for moving over and all of that.

Silverfish

Glenshane Pass, please read the RI charter, thank you.

trebor28

i dont see how you are going to get over this.
its always gona be in the back of your mind.
i dont think i could be with anyone who has acted like she has in her past, shows a real lack of character to me and that just wouldnt sit right.
a big turn off for me.
i would walk away, wont be easy but then its not easy for you now either.

sara-lou

Maybe you are associating what she has done in the past to how she has and sometimes treats you? You are prob doubting whether she is a good person or not.....

How would you feel though if you were being judged from yrs back?

All you can do is talk things through with her and honestly discuss things properly

LegacyUser

First off, thanks a million for all your replies.

sara-lou wrote: »

How would you feel though if you were being judged from yrs back?

I've asked myself that question many many times. I'd hate it and when i put myself in her shoes I hate myself for it.
A

ll you can do is talk things through with her and honestly discuss things properly

We have. A few times. but it makes no difference. no matter how much effort i put in, it goes to shít.

Id love to know why people do this. Maybe i could understand a little better.

Glenshane Pass

AbsolutelyExausted wrote: »

First off, thanks a million for all your replies.

I've asked myself that question many many times. I'd hate it and when i put myself in her shoes I hate myself for it.
A
We have. A few times. but it makes no difference. no matter how much effort i put in, it goes to shít.

Id love to know why people do this. Maybe i could understand a little better.

How do you go about discussing it? Do you ask all the questions you need to ask and are you getting your answers?