Breaking an engagement

LegacyUser

Hi All

I have been engaged for the last 2 years and due to be married in about another year.
As with most couples who get engaged our relationship was excellent. We enjoyed each others company, laughed at each others jokes and were basically both on the same wavelength on nearly everything.

This past year has been the year from hell though. It really began when My fiancee's parents offered us the opportunity to move into a house that they were letting. I was against the idea from the get go but the rent was cheaper and I basically had 3 Mrs Doyles (Fiancée, her mother, her father) going "go on, go on, go on, go on." until I caved and agreed to move into the house. Initally we were sharing with a tennent who had been there previously, after a while though he moved out and we were left in the house on our own paying a stupidly low rent. I know that most of you will be playing the smallest violin in the world for someone in that particular predicament but please think for a moment about the though of your girlfriends father being your landlord and knowing everytime that you see him you indebted to him. also it is something that will have a deep impact on your sense of self worth and independence. These are things that of course I can get over or we would have moved out. however a few months after this the gf's mother was trading up cars and decided that she wanted to give gf her old car a 07 to drive and that I should get my gf's old car. This is something that I was instantly against. First off I did not want a car. were saving and tbh I don't see the special need for a childless couple in there mid 20s to be a two car family and paying the additional roadtax and charges associated with that. again I voiced my objections and again I was overruled by the 3 other people in our relationship.

These are things which alot of people would see as a great deal of luck. Being given a roof over our head for next to nothing. being given a car for next to nothing. and there is a part of me that is truly grateful for these things. There is another part however that says "no, What right do you have to rob this part of our development from us" Houses & cars are things that couples have to work for and not something that you should be indentured to someone else for our of gratitude.

At this stage your probibily thinking ok the guy has particularly generious parents in law to be. Why is that grounds to break an engagement? have a chat and everything will be okay.

TBH the above is only really the point where any kind of strain began to show on our relationship. That was the point where I realised it wasn't going to be us against the world but rather her, her family and the world against me and that my opinions would matter little if they were in agreement on something and that would always be the case.

we got along okay for a while the the recession hit us. I lost my overtime pay and she lost her job all together, It hit her really hard. in fact she ended up being on anti-depressants and still is. We struggled and kept ourselves busy but more and more we began to argue. sometimes over big things but mostly over little things. also I found that I the few times that I would go out that it would be alone with friends because she would busy or not want to come. or love life dwindled away and I became more and more distrustful of her. not that she would cheat on me but just that I could not say anything to her or do anything no matter how trivial that would not be repeated to mammy and daddy and our circle of friends at large. I started to think that I had my own little member of the thought police living with me.

Anyway six months went by and she began to overcome the depression and begin first looking to claim her social welfare payments and second find a new job. The second was look for a new job. she manged to get maybe 3 months of her social back payments but never bothered following up for the rest. A few CV's were sent out but not to great an effort was spent job hunting. she seemed to have settled nicely into her rut.

I did my best to get her out of it but it was becoming apparent that she was by no means over the depression and that I really needed to walk on egg shells around her or else the night would be spent in tearful argument and I would be going into work asleep as happened too often.

We have come to a point now where things just do not seem as if there ever going to change and only get worse. I came home today and could see that she had only got out of bed and had a shower a few minutes earlier and that she had not taken a few minutes to do anything around the house. hence when I got home from work I needed to tuck straight into the housework cleaning the house and cooking dinner. while this was being done she sat on the bed playing games on her ipod not even bothering too change out of her towel for two hours.

Please do not misunderstand me. I love this girl. I love her more than anything but right now all I feel is resentment. I can feel the seeds of a hatred growing and I don't want to end with her like that. I want some semblance of control of my life back. I want to go out with friends and not have the shadow of my phantom girlfriend hanging over me ready to tell everyone the next day that I came home jared when she should have been out with me.

I'm sad, lonely and feel pathetic. I feel like I just written the obituary for the last five years of my life and I'm wiping away the tears as I do it but I need help.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to move out of our home. I've lost contact with most of the friends I had before I met her and know that when I do tell her I want to leave that I will need to be able to do it that minute.

Has anyone any experience in a situation like this. Someone please give me some council because One minute I think that I am such a selfish bastard and another I think that I have to do this because were both holding each other back in this rut. any advise whether to tell me that I'm right or wrong or things that I need to do is very much appreciated.

LegacyUser

Why have you lost contact with your friends? You say that she is too busy to go out and you end up going with your friends instead?


"I don't know how I'm going to be able to move out of our home."

But its not your home, your not happy living there nor are you happy with her father being the landlord

bottom line is if you not happy, can't see yourself getting back to happiness with her, can't see her making any effort to save the relationship, then you leave, and leave soon.

Yes it will hurt for a while but not as much as you are afraid of, thats the big thing I am getting from your post, your afraid to be alone. I'm seperated and I now really enjoy being alone, yes it was crap at the start but I'm much much happier now than I was during all the bad years

best of luck op

Ickle Magoo

Would you consider mediation? I think you really need to sit down and put all your cards on the table, there seems to be several issues and that way you get everything out in the open so there is no resentment building and take it from there - but if you think an all night tearful argument will ensue then perhaps a third party would be able to help more?

First off, I think you have to tell her that you've had enough of her telling her parents and your friends absolutely everything that goes on in your life. Give some boundaries and expectations and ask that they & you be respected, then tell her how unhappy you are with the status quo and ask her to attend couple counselling with you - if she runs off and tells all your friends or refuses to try to work things thru then you have your answer and you will know you tried your best to save things.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

We have been to counciling in the past number of months and I do think that she has taken my request for privicy more seriously. there is still little chance of her parents butting out in any way shape or form and no hope of us moving out of there house and becoming less dependant on them.

after the counceling we were good for a few weeks, then things really fell apart again. we had a argument over something and both got in a huff and then got into another argument over the fact that we were in a huff. I believe what started that was me asking are we okay and her thinking that that means that im going to dump her and that I'm being a bastard.

Ickle Magoo

Keep going to the counselling and see if you can get specific relationship mediation. There is no point being in a miserable relationship, not one that can only sustain peace and loving fun for a couple of weeks before things disintegrate. Again, you have to tell her how unhappy you are and how much you don't like the above. People usually don't change unless given a stark choice between making a concerted effort to change permanently or losing something they cherish.

Your entire post screams to me that you are miserable, walking on eggshells and really starting to resent this relationship - and rightly so if your post is in anyway an accurate representation. If you say you are considering moving on because you can't stand the way things are now and the constant crying, gossiping, huffing, fighting, is that really such a bad thing? Things will only work out, and you will only achieve a relationship you enjoy if you are completely honest and work together. You (both of you) need to find a better way of dealing with conflict resolution, you need to learn to talk to each other and more importantly you need to learn to listen and take what you've heard and change the relationship dynamics to better suit you both - and if one of you can't do that then there is zero point flogging a dead miserable horse.

fungun

agree in general with magoo.

usually its fairly easy to see early on that with some women if you marry them, you marry the family. Some people like that, some dont. Getting help with house/car sees normal enough to me tbh, but if they are involved in all your decisions then they need to step back.

Id also say if you have been with her 5 years and it was all very positive and this is a problem for ~6 mths Id be tempted to stick with it for a bit...but Id make it clear to her how unhappy you are about this.

LegacyUser

giving up wrote: »

I'm sad, lonely and feel pathetic. I feel like I just written the obituary for the last five years of my life and I'm wiping away the tears as I do it but I need help.

Has anyone any experience in a situation like this. Someone please give me some council because One minute I think that I am such a selfish bastard and another I think that I have to do this because were both holding each other back in this rut. any advise whether to tell me that I'm right or wrong or things that I need to do is very much appreciated.

You are in no way pathetic. You are working hard to save your relatoinship with a girl you love. It takes real strength and courage to face up to how things really are, so don't be so hard on yourself.

What's happening at the moment is that you're going through a rough patch, and you can be sure that there are families/couples up and down the country going through the exact same thing due to the stress of unemployment etc. So you and your fiancée are not alone.

Be very clear about your expectations-ie you want open communication in the relationship, and you don't want your private conversations being aired. It'll be tough to have your expectations met because your fiancée is going through a rough time at the moment as she's unemployed. I'm unemployed myself and can understand how easy it is to fall into a rut of drifting endlessly through days, not even mustering the energy to prepare dinner. So I got a routine of sorts together for myself-I'm doing odd jobs around the house, joined the gym, went back to practising music, meeting friends for walks etc. It's helped me to have a routine in my day, and maybe the same could be said for your fiancée.

Good luck. You sound like a very caring man, and your fiancée is a very lucky girl to have you by her side : )

tbh

mate - I feel for you. I really do.

I'm pushed for time, so I'm gonna try to say what would normally take me hours in a couple of bullet points

1. remember that her parents want what's best for her - and you - and aren't trying to subjugate you. They think they are helping. You're probably going over and over this in your head, but don't allow yourself to get angry with them for motives they don't have.

2. You have the right, and the obligation - to follow your own course in life. You can't make anyone happy if you're not happy yourself. You have the right to make decisions for yourself, and you can't make those decisions based on how her parents may react. They have their perspective, you have yours. If you make a decision and they don't like it, that's fine. You don't need to apologise.

3. Don't make any decisions based on how your girlfriend is now. Part of the relationship is work, and part of that work is carrying her for a while. My advice would be to sit down with her and say "This is where I want us to go. Can you come with me? Do you *want* to come with me? are you willing to compromise so that we can both get there?"
Make your goals realistic. Explain to her that you want to be independent - so, for example, you won't be getting married until you have the deposit for a house, or some other clearly definable goal.
tell her you're not expecting her to get a job tomorrow, but you are expecting her to do something tomorrow that will help her get a job next month (or whatever).

Above all, don't be afraid to stick to your guns here. Better to lay out on the line now, and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it and that's fine. It doesn't mean you're a prick and it doesn't mean you have no heart.

Sometimes being a grown-up is making unpopular decisions for long-term benefit, this is one of these times. The very fact that you're stressing so much about having to do this is all the sign you need that you're a decent guy.

Cheap Thrills!

The girl doesn't sound as if she's grown up or properly separated from her parents.

She's involving them in your private business and failing to make her own way in life. Mammy and Daddy have given her the roof over her head and a car etc

She has the best of all worlds. She gets to be Mammy and Daddys baby, yet still have a live in boyfriend who can't leave due to being in Daddys financial shackles.

She gets to doss around the house all day and you come home and clean and cook the dinner. Yet you can't say anything because she will use her depression to make you feel guilty.

You are being rightly manipulated here. NEVER accept something you don't want from someone just for a quiet life. There are ALWAYS conditions attached as you have found out to your dismay.

I'm not suprised you are bitter and resentful. You are more like a fly in a trap than an equal in a relationship.

I'm so sorry for you, it's horrible to have to leave someone you do love. But unless you think she is capable and willing to change then what else can you do?

Good luck OP

sara-lou

You sound like you have no space at all! Having to answer to your father in law as a landlord is a suckfest..... It is awkward and money is always messy between families and in laws.

Where is your fiancee at? does she want to get married? She can hardly plan a wedding with no job? maybe you should try and bring this up with her? Finding a job could give her a bit of motivation but to be honest she has it too easy at the mo.

Think you need to decide what you want from this relationship? ye can get back on track if ye want although it will take more counselling. Unless ye get a bit more space i think you will feel even more demasculinized.

SarahSassy

giving up wrote: »

please think for a moment about the though of your girlfriends father being your landlord and knowing everytime that you see him you indebted to him. also it is something that will have a deep impact on your sense of self worth and independence.

No it wouldnt - he is family.

magneticimpulse

You need to get out of this all together. Your gf is used to having her parents do everything for her...she is like a baby. She does not sound like a grown mature woman ready for marriage.

Just walk away. Theres lots of clubs, sport, triathlons, meetup.com, couchsurfing.org etc where you can make new friends. You are not alone, but you will be if you stay in this awful relationship.

You should feel like a better person being with her, but obvisously not.

seenitall

SarahSassy wrote: »

No it wouldnt - he is family.

Yes it would - being family has nothing to do with it. Some of the worst emotionally messed up people I know have got there by not being able to handle their problematic families (boundary problem). Indebtedness to anyone at all is not a good idea - actually, especially if it is family!

SarahSassy

seenitall wrote: »

Yes it would - being family has nothing to do with it. Some of the worst emotionally messed up people I know have got there by not being able to handle their problematic families (boundary problem). Indebtedness to anyone at all is not a good idea - actually, especially if it is family!

No - he is just not willing to put his shoulder to the wheel when she is obviously depressed. I dont think the 'through thick and thin' would work very well if they got married.

seenitall

Aaaah, I see what you are saying. I just happen to disagree wholeheartedly. The joy of boards.ie and differing opinions...:)

LegacyUser

Ah OP, that sucks.

I do actually know where you're coming from. Personally, I don't want to accept anything from my parents or my OH's parents. You're not mad for thinking like that about the house and car. And I know you feel like an ungrateful ba$%^d, but personally I'd be deeply angry with her and her parents for doing this if I was in your position.

The way I see it is this: you can go back to the counsellor, with her, and following that put your foot down and try and move out. Away. Anywhere. Either that or consider going abroad. That's assuming you still feel you want to stay with her, and that she's willing to come. If you want to try and make this work though, you need to lay everything out and tell her it's you and her in the relationship and not you, her and her parents.

Your other option obviously, is to finish it.Which will be incredibly hard, but not half as hard as spending the rest of your life with someone you resent.

Unfortunately you've no easy option here OP.

Nevyn

Depression is hard to deal with and hard to understand, is she just taking the pills or she is in counselling/theraphy?

www.aware.ie

Aware run meetings for those struggling to deal with depression and for family members/partners, they help you to cope and explain what some of the effects of living with someone who has depression is.

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone OP here again. I think I should give you update and see what you think of our our next steps could be.

I discussed with her putting our engagement on hold until we had some things sorted out, jobs savings etc. I did this at what I suppose could be called a good time. quietly at a moment when we wern't fighting.

She wasn't pleased by any means but was calm about it. she allowed me to explain my feelings. she said that she didn't agree but could understand.

she suggested that we should perhaps take a break. this was something which we both agreed too. she has moved home for the time being and I am staying in our house. I am seeking meetings for people related to those with depression and she is attending meetings her self. were looking at spending the month mainly apart while we get ourselves in order. In both our minds this break is only tempory and even after we decided on it our relationship seemed better as we both saw relief down the line.

Thanks for the advice and any other contributions are most certainly welcome.