I want my ex back.....

KarenR1981

I had been seeing a guy for over ten years since I was 18...over the last year some bad things happened mainly due to me and my controlling nature....its started a few years ago when I pushed for us to buy a house out of nowhere, then as soon as we moved in I went on and on and went about getting engaged and told him I would leave him if he couldn't commit to me, when he proposed I had it planned out and I chose the ring and I kept asking him when was it going to happen, even when he was trying to surprise me I badgered him into doing it when I wanted...when he proposed then I went off and booked the wedding without consulting him......soon after the problems began to surface I wasn't right and I knew he wasn't either....we started arguing and everything little thing would set me off...I was then diagnosed with anxiety and depression and started taking medication and going to therapy....a few months into the engagement we had a fight and he told me he couldn't see the wedding going ahead and he didn't want a big wedding, he said he felt like this for a while but he thought once we got engaged he would get into it....he said he still loved me but things changed...I cancelled the wedding hoping in time it would be ok, then the arguments kept happening and I resented him for what happened and was ashamed....within a few months of that again I couldn't take the arguments and I moved out.....six months on I am only now realising how it was me who messed everything up and I was blaming him..I have done a lot of soul searching and I know now more then ever that I love him and I dont care if we ever marry I feel terrible for what I have done and I just want to show him how sorry I am and how I just want to be with him and nothing else matters...I have tried talking to him and he says he still loves me but his feelings have changed and he cant see it working out.....My heart is breaking and time has not been a healer for me....I just want to show him how sorry I am and I have changed, I have changed dramatically and am so ashamed of my carry on...he was one of the good ones and I ruined it......

Sorry for the rant but if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to Relationship Issues.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

He seems to be pretty clear about his feelings so I think you have to let go of the idea of getting him back so you can start to move on with your life. You've spoken with him, he knows how you feel, now if you really don't want to slip back into old territory of hounding him and pressuring him then show him you've changed and back off now and concentrate on yourself and making sure you are happy enough in yourself that you don't get like that again.

Best of luck.

KarenR1981

Thanks Ickle.....I wish it were so easy...I am happy in myself now and haven't been this happy in years so I know I did have problems which affected my personality.....I just have all this love in my heart for him and more then anything I want to show him how sorry I am.....it heart breaking...its worse now then when I left him over 6 months ago....

I have dated a few guys to see what it was like but it just made me sick to my stomach...

I am such a fool

Whats funny though is the second he sees me he immediately gets a hardon that I can see so I know that he is still madly attracted to me

Ickle Magoo

Well, sexual attraction does not a relationship make, unfortunately.

Have you told him how you feel? Asked him if there is a chance of reconciliation? Maybe ask for a definitive answer so you know one way or the other?

KarenR1981

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Well, sexual attraction does not a relationship make, unfortunately.

Have you told him how you feel? Asked him if there is a chance of reconciliation? Maybe ask for a definitive answer so you know one way or the other?

Well I have asked him and the conversation always goes like this

Me :- So thats it, its over then..

Him :- Well I just cant see it happening, I feel anxious when you are here..you look at me like you hate me sometimes

Me :- alright so you want to stop seeing each other and draw a line

Him:- its not like that

Me:- what do you want then

Him : (no answer)

LegacyUser

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Whats funny though is the second he sees me he immediately gets a hardon that I can see so I know that he is still madly attracted to me

No man gets a hardon (ie. you can see it through their trousers) when they meet someone

Dublin_Gunner

From what you've posted I'd say you have zero chance of a reconciliation.

In fairness, the guy is now the free-est he's been in over 10 years, and you tried to be the CEO of the relationship - that's not how it works.

If he was a friend of mine, and told me all of that, I would tell him he's better off without you, miles better off in fact.

I don't mean to be too harsh, but being a bloke myself, and have had relationships that went that way before, I would be very surprised if he went back to you.

Its always the same, you never know what you have until its gone.

Move on, and next time a relationship gets serious, stop with the bunny boiling, controlling desperation.

You could go ahead and say you'll change etc but I don't think it would work. He's had 10 years of you trying to control him and your relationship, I'd say he's absolutely loving the freedom.

Sorry

Ickle Magoo

OP,

If you don't mind me saying, that conversation comes across as very aggressive for someone who wants to show how much they have changed, that the break up was their fault and who claims to have messed everything up - and nowhere do you address the points he's making.

Are you able to sit down and have a calm, honest heart to heart about what you both want from a relationship and what about your old dynamics must change in order to make a relationship work?

LegacyUser

You sound very agressive and domineering.

I think you need to be going back very meekly, apologising for your behaviour for ten years, thankign him for putting up with you, and asking him to please take you back as you are willing to change,

NOT, doing what you did in that conversation and fronting up to him.


good luck.

KarenR1981

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

OP,

If you don't mind me saying, that conversation comes across as very aggressive for someone who wants to show how much they have changed, that the break up was their fault and who claims to have messed everything up - and nowhere do you address the points he's making.

Are you able to sit down and have a calm, honest heart to heart about what you both want from a relationship and what about your old dynamics must change in order to make a relationship work?

I have but I get stonewalled....he always stonewalls

then that is when I start doing the straight talking to gets answers


Surly Dublin Gun if there is love still there, there most be a chance....I am happy not to be fighting anymore I dont have a scrap of fight left in me.... and just to note my controlling only started in the last two years
we broke up prior to that because he was an ass and he came back after going to OZ realising he was an ass and wanted a second chance and I gave it to him we had broken up for 3 years but I gave him another go

now I want my second chance:(

Miss Fluff

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You've spoken with him, he knows how you feel, now if you really don't want to slip back into old territory of hounding him and pressuring him then show him you've changed and back off now

+1, totally agree. No point in reverting back to your bad behaviour and pressure him and hound him and hassle him into getting back with you. Actions speak louder than words. You have to show him you have changed. You show him by respecting his wishes.

Miss Fluff

KarenR1981 wrote: »

I have but I get stonewalled....he always stonewalls

then that is when I start doing the straight talking to gets answers

Which basically means you are hassling him. Again.

KarenR1981

Yeah I dont want to pressure him or hound him....I just think he sends mixed messages
Last week when I called over he kept asking me to stay the night and two weeks before that he told me to leave...then the other night we went out for dinner
its hot and cold

I had left him alone for a long time

its hard I fear if I dont stay in contact that he will meet someone else

I love him to bits and will do what ever it takes

seenitall

You remind me of someone I once knew, OP.

This guy was controlling and obsessive to the n-th degree (I know how to pick them ). He wanted me to change for him in major ways, nothing was ever good enough, if I relented on one thing, he would immediately start hounding me on to another. When I started standing up to him, he would immediately break up with me, so as to exercise his control. This worked for him a couple of times, and I took him back, but the last time he broke up with me, I wouldn't take him back. Guess what followed? Lots and lots of "soul-searching" on his side, moaning, badgering, apologies, promises of how he had now "changed", anything to get me back again (he never did). Sound familiar?

You don't sound the least bit happy, OP. You sound obsessed with your ex.

Find yourself a decent therapist, work through your issues with control and MOVE ON.

PS. Having said all this, it was not unreasonable of you to expect more commitment of him through the course of a 10 year long relationship. But you really messed it up with the way you went about it, although there is no guarantee he would have done any different otherwise - meaning you probably weren't meant to be anyway. Any which way, you have got a lot of sorting out your head to do. Get help ASAP.

Miss Fluff

KarenR1981 wrote: »

its hard I fear if I dont stay in contact that he will meet someone else

I think you constantly being there an on his case could have the opposite of the desired effect. I think you need to give him some space.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I know he's giving mixed messages but I'm sorry to say but you still sound quite demanding and controlling, even controlling his decision about reconciliation, seriously if you want to stand half a chance of getting back with the guy then back off and understand that he doesn't want things the way they were, he wasn't happy and he's just going to be reminded of that every time you demand, control, get aggro with him. Being in contact won't stop him moving on or finding someone else and, again, is controlling behaviour.

KarenR1981

I have been to therapy and this is where I discovered the error of my ways....I have been going for months.....granted now there are some problems that my ex was responsible for I do accept my blame

I have told him I will leave him alone and I plan sticking to it

KarenR1981

I am going to take it one day at a time and pray really hard

Fingers crossed all will work out ok whatever happens

His a good man and at the end of the day I want him to be happy too with or without me

Bellablue

KarenR....I was reading your post and thinking "oh goodness, this all sounds very familiar" and then saw you had also replied to my thread below!

I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom for you.....things are still much the same in my situation, in that I'm afraid things have gone to the point of no return for us. I'm crushed that this has happened, but have also realised as I said above - you can't "make" someone want to be with you. (And even if you could, would you really want that kind of relationship anway?)

I guess that's where I've made most progress even in a very short amount of time. A few months ago I probably would have said "Yes, I do! I'd much rather we just stayed together, I don't care why you're with me, just be with me!" But I don't feel like that any more. If we're not both 100% committed to wanting to be in the marriage, well then we shouldn't be in it. I'm still scared that things are moving too fast, and things are ending too quickly without really trying to resolve our problems. I also still think we could really be throwing away something great here but at the end of the day, it won't work if only one person wants (or has the will) to save it.

So I would echo the advice given to you by others above. Try your best to move on...it's what I am trying to make a plan to do. But a word of caution...don't "move on" for the wrong reasons. What I mean is, don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking that if you show your ex how great you are now and how you are a changed person coping so well with everything on your own that he will suddenly decide to come back. Because that's only keeping yourself in limbo and not really moving on. You need to do this for your own reasons. Hard as it is (and believe me I know its hard) you need to try to find a way to try and forgive yourself and get rid of that horrible guilt that you feel for "ruining " things.

And by the way, if you find a way to do this....will you let me know? :rolleyes:

Keep your chin up!

Bella

dublingal80

Bellablue wrote: »

KarenR....I was reading your post and thinking "oh goodness, this all sounds very familiar" and then saw you had also replied to my thread below!

I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom for you.....things are still much the same in my situation, in that I'm afraid things have gone to the point of no return for us. I'm crushed that this has happened, but have also realised as I said above - you can't "make" someone want to be with you. (And even if you could, would you really want that kind of relationship anway?)

I guess that's where I've made most progress even in a very short amount of time. A few months ago I probably would have said "Yes, I do! I'd much rather we just stayed together, I don't care why you're with me, just be with me!" But I don't feel like that any more. If we're not both 100% committed to wanting to be in the marriage, well then we shouldn't be in it. I'm still scared that things are moving too fast, and things are ending too quickly without really trying to resolve our problems. I also still think we could really be throwing away something great here but at the end of the day, it won't work if only one person wants (or has the will) to save it.

So I would echo the advice given to you by others above. Try your best to move on...it's what I am trying to make a plan to do. But a word of caution...don't "move on" for the wrong reasons. What I mean is, don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking that if you show your ex how great you are now and how you are a changed person coping so well with everything on your own that he will suddenly decide to come back. Because that's only keeping yourself in limbo and not really moving on. You need to do this for your own reasons. Hard as it is (and believe me I know its hard) you need to try to find a way to try and forgive yourself and get rid of that horrible guilt that you feel for "ruining " things.

And by the way, if you find a way to do this....will you let me know? :rolleyes:

Keep your chin up!

Bella

that is SO true!!! my ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago after 4 years together... but instead of trying to move on, ive been like - im gonna go out, friends will take pics and put them on facebook and he will see through that how much fun im having, how well i look and how im not hurting

And its not him that its hurting, its me.

You have to move on. stop contacting him. He will come back to you if he wants to be with you

KarenR1981

Yeah I have been going out and I have been really enjoying myself meeting new people and have been asked out by a few guys but I just don't have any interest...also have plenty of pics only thing is he isn't on facebook.....

In once last ditch attempt I sent him a single rose with a card with some of the lyrics to the song he wanted to use as our first dance.....

Its may be silly but its my way of saying sorry..

From hereon out I will let him be and accept dates from guys...

all you girls lets invest our energy into making us happy - easier said then done I know...I am so weak, but the heart wants what the hearts wants

Taltos

I'm sorry OP but I am not sure I believe that this is just it for you.

From your posts and your need to let him know how sorry you are to the rose - I think it is only a matter of time before you get back in touch again with some other excuse.

Strongly suggest that you do whatever you can to leave this guy alone and I mean for good. Otherwise how do you expect to heal and move on with your life?

KarenR1981

Well we have a house together that has not been sorted....he is staying in the house and I am renting but this needs to be sorted...he is the one that needs to get the ball rolling and he agreed to pay me a sum however he still has nothing done - I take this as a sign he is not ready to cut ties

seenitall

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Well we have a house together that has not been sorted....he is staying in the house and I am renting but this needs to be sorted...he is the one that needs to get the ball rolling and he agreed to pay me a sum however he still has nothing done - I take this as a sign he is not ready to cut ties

Of course you do. :rolleyes:

Meanwhile, on planet Earth, he is just like a lot of people and doesn't like to part with money.

Taltos

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Well we have a house together that has not been sorted....he is staying in the house and I am renting but this needs to be sorted...he is the one that needs to get the ball rolling and he agreed to pay me a sum however he still has nothing done - I take this as a sign he is not ready to cut ties

You are doing it again OP - all coming across as very passive aggressive - and reading into things. Seriously please take a few steps back and re-read your posts.

What is to prevent you from engaging with a solicitor and getting the ball rolling yourself. So you cut the ties...

KarenR1981

Taltos wrote: »

You are doing it again OP - all coming across as very passive aggressive - and reading into things. Seriously please take a few steps back and re-read your posts.

What is to prevent you from engaging with a solicitor and getting the ball rolling yourself. So you cut the ties...

Why a Solicitor??......if I wanted I could so move back in until he pays out, I am the one being shafted when it comes to the house

Taltos

Solicitor takes you and emotion out of the mix.
It should be all about breaking contact - and as per Seenitall - of course he is still there. He needs an incentive to move - he does not have one to stay - it is just the easiest thing in the world to do, so don't read anything into it. Actually stop reading into things - in your head just keep repeating "it is over ...."

The suggestion of a solicitor maybe a bit extreme - but do you really think you can do what needs to be done to get him out and your house sold?

stackerman

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Why a Solicitor??......if I wanted I could so move back in until he pays out, I am the one being shafted when it comes to the house

Oh dear

Your just not really in the real world.
You break up and then ecpect HIM to be the one to sort out the house, yet as you said yourself it was you that pushed to buy in the first place. Sounds like you like having the ties (house). How exactly are you the one being shafted on the house ?? Surely you are both incurring extra costs due to your current situation. Is the house in neg eq ??
Why not just try to rent the house untill you can shift it on ?

I dont mean to sound harsh Karen but . . . well thats how it seams to me.

KarenR1981

keving wrote: »

Oh dear

Your just not really in the real world.
You break up and then ecpect HIM to be the one to sort out the house, yet as you said yourself it was you that pushed to buy in the first place. Sounds like you like having the ties (house). How exactly are you the one being shafted on the house ?? Surely you are both incurring extra costs due to your current situation. Is the house in neg eq ??
Why not just try to rent the house untill you can shift it on ?

I dont mean to sound harsh Karen but . . . well thats how it seams to me.

All the money I put into the house the flooring, tiles,fireplace furniture I bought plus covering legal expenses not to mention I will be loosing my first time buyers grant and mortgage relief and am not getting the benefit of any it currently....that is how I am being shafted...and of course its him that has to get the ball rolling...I obviously contacted the back about putting the mortgage in his sole name and they said that he would have to contact them...I passed on this information to ex and he said he would sort it out that was over two months ago..Solicitors has also given same advice

Taltos

How did we go from:

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Why a Solicitor??......if I wanted I could so move back in until he pays out, I am the one being shafted when it comes to the house

To

KarenR1981 wrote: »

I passed on this information to ex and he said he would sort it out that was over two months ago..Solicitors has also given same advice

OP - look at this stage I can see that you just don't want to hear the truth no matter how carefully or bluntly we put it to you.
So instead of persisting in this all I will do is wish you the best with the counselling and I hope that you can soon let go and wake up to what is really going on here.

KarenR1981

I guess I am looking for positive tips - I am going to leave him alone
but if I am too move on and close out house then I have to be in contact
so I am going to let him be for a few weeks

I dont suppose showing up at the door in nothing but a trench coat would do me any favours?????

dublingal80

*puts head in hands*

no

Miss Fluff

KarenR1981 wrote: »

I guess I am looking for positive tips - I am going to leave him alone
but if I am too move on and close out house then I have to be in contact
so I am going to let him be for a few weeks

I dont suppose showing up at the door in nothing but a trench coat would do me any favours?????

Are you still in therapy? Not being harsh but it seems like you still have quite a few issues to work through so I think you should concentrate on those. Any correspondence from hereonin should be through your solicitor (which I am still unclear as to whether you have engaged or not going by the contradictory posts.....)

KarenR1981

Sorry I should have stated that I miss read the comment originally when I asked "Why Solicitor"....I have a strange sense of humor which is not translating well over text....
I have discussed the matter with a Solicitor yes....and he said my ex should also engage a Solicitor....my ex says his work is too stressful at the moment for him to deal with the house etc..
we still have regular sex and its great - sex with the ex is so much better....but no more I say

Ickle Magoo

You have sex but he's stated his feelings have changed and he doesn't want to be in a relationship? You have regular sex but think showing up naked in a trench coat could be a go-er?

Look, I don't know who is biggest head fukc, you or him - either way, you need space to work through your issues and he needs space to make a decision, maintaining sexual relations is just stringing you along and giving you false hope otherwise.

LegacyUser

OMG op, seriously, to put it mildly - you need to get a grip! you're coming across as a total bunny boiler. you need to get yourself back into therapy and leave all this alone.

Why don't you set yourself a time limit, say 6 weeks, where you PROMISE yourself that you won't contact him - NO MATTER WHAT and then see how you are then? this is really not doing you, or him ANY favours and sorry to sound harsh, but if you're carrying on like this with a bunch of faceless strangers, i can only imagine what you're doing to his sanity.

i know its tough, i just broke up with someone a few weeks ago and i would love to contact them and tell them i'm still in love etc, but first of all, i have too much self respect to do that to myself and secondly, i have too much respect for them to start wrecking their head aswell.

seriously, get a grip.

KarenR1981

The trench coat was my humor...

I know your right about the sex....

But OMG your not going to believe what just happened...I am in the process of changing my car loan and the bank just called and said the sent me the new terms of loan agreement and they need it back asap....
So now I have to contact me and arrange for either me or someone to collect the letter
before you comment on having the letter sent to house its cause that is the address on the loan agreement

Kiera

KarenR1981 wrote: »

The trench coat was my humor...

I know your right about the sex....

But OMG your not going to believe what just happened...I am in the process of changing my car loan and the bank just called and said the sent me the new terms of loan agreement and they need it back asap....
So now I have to contact me and arrange for either me or someone to collect the letter
before you comment on having the letter sent to house its cause that is the address on the loan agreement

Leave this poor guy alone. Get someone else to collect the letter. Like someone else said above, you really need to get a grip!

KarenR1981

Gosh I really dont need negativity right now...granted when I am on medication I don't seem to rationalize very well

LegacyUser

OP, you're causing so much unnecessary drama and i'd say you're driving yourself insane with all this. get out and keep busy and try to take your mind off it for a few hours every day.

life really is too short for all this. you know what they say - if you love someone enough, let them go and if they come back, it was meant to be..... like i said, i know its tough, but you're not making things any easier for yourself by obsessing over this.

Nevyn

KarenR1981 wrote: »

I have been to therapy and this is where I discovered the error of my ways....I have been going for months.....granted now there are some problems that my ex was responsible for I do accept my blame

I have told him I will leave him alone and I plan sticking to it

I suggest that you go back to the person you were doing therapy with and look at the patterns of behaviour in the relationship and ask thier advice about getting your letters back.