Who's in the wrong here?

LegacyUser

Hi there

Dublin guy in long distance relationship - I'll keep it as short as possible.
I was down with my gf over the weekend, and we went out with her parents for a drink.
They prefer rounds when out drinking which I'm happy enough to go along with.
As far as my understanding of rounds goes, each person taking part in the round
takes turns in buying a drink for themselves and others who are taking part, and you repeat this for the night.

While we were out, I bought the first round, then my gf's dad, and when it came to my gf's turn, I went to up to the bar for her. While I was up there, she told me her Dad made some smart remark about me not paying for the round, even though it was my gf's turn.
When she told me this when we got home, I was really taken aback. In my eyes I had not done anything wrong, simply following the system. Am I wrong in my understanding of rounds?

My gf suggested that in future, I should just buy always buy the first round. I initially went along with it, but as time goes on it bugs me more and more. On another night out, it was the four of us again plus my gf's best friend, who is a student. Again, it was myself and her dad buying all the drinks, not any of the girls, and I really resented that.

He might have some old-fashioned, patriarchical notion of drinking etiquette but in my own family and social circles, everyone takes part equally. Maybe it's the protocol in certain places outside of Dublin, I'm not sure, though I have drank in practically every county in the state and never before seen this system in action.

When I asked some family members for their opinion, they thought it was really unfair too, particularly given that I travel to see my GF every weekend at my own expense as she is in a public sector job with unsociable weekend hours, while I work mon-fri.

I know it's not the biggest deal in the world as relationship issues go, but at the same time I work hard for my money, I try to be as fair as possible in these situations and I certainly am not happy that someone has criticised me behind my back for something I don't consider to be improper at all. Very interested in any constructive responses.

Thanks

Good Advice

hey op!!

you are not in the wrong at all,fair is fair and rounds are each go in turn to buy a rounfd for everybody...he must be very oldfashioned, maybe get your gf to make sure she buys a round when its her turn..
he may feel you should pay for her in every way but its 2010!!!!!!
id never let my bf pay my rounds ,maybe once when i was broke but id alays get him back,and she has a job so no excuse!!

sara-lou

Her dad is more than likely just looking to pick out flaws!

In very old fashioned circles the women never buy the rounds cos they usually don't have jobs.

You need to tell your girlf that this is the way you see it and that it is the way you do it, if that's their way of doing it then so be it. Meet in the middle and make sure her dad has the balls to say it to your face if he has a problem!

AngryBadger

Why would your gf even tell you something like that? Unless she also felt you should be paying for her drinks? Which is a bigger issue in my view, although only you can know if that's the case or not.

Seems to be you did nothing wrong here.

LegacyUser

Depends if you care what he thinks of you - and i find it a big problem with people here that they don't stand up for themselves and say "well, this is the way we do it" and instead try to please someone else while going against what they believe in. I think that creates a lot of tension and it's something other nations are good at avoiding by being more truthful and less accomodating (not rude, just saying it as it is).

I'd explain it to your gf and next time that you're out, (having already asked her to do so), let your gf buy the first round.

If the dad says anything, just say to him "well, I guess that's the way we do it as a couple" or even better, let her say it. Then drop it and don't try to justify yourselves - you are both adults.

Again, maybe she doesn't want to rock his silly boat thus putting the two of you in a situation which might get stressful if not sorted. There is another issue about you travelling down at your own expense - you might need to clear things up before you start becoming resentful over the money issue.

You are a person with your own principles as well as his daughter's bf - you;ve taken it on the chin so far. Now it's time to stand up for yourself (and by that I mean just act like you normally would)

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Yeah I was sort of struck as to why she would tell me that in the first place. I'm hoping she won't be expecting me to buy her drinks given that, as I said already, I'm doing *all* the travelling at my own expense, and besides her net pay is about the same as my gross pay!

I'm not sure what the story with her dad is. He seems like a nice enough chap but he is a bit short on tact sometimes, he can be very anatagonistic towards my gf when he has a few beers on him about her weight, and in general conversation he talks in a very dominating, opinion-as-fact tone.

He definitely views me GF as his little princess mind you. Nobody will ever be as busy or as stressed as her in his eyes - when we we're leaving the other night he said to me "i'd say you two are both wrecked from the week's work, though probably more so her" - yeah, sure, because working all week and then hauling yourself across the country week in week out isn't tiring at all!

I guess I just have to keep the chin up and ignore it!

seenitall

baffled_dub wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. Yeah I was sort of struck as to why she would tell me that in the first place. I'm hoping she won't be expecting me to buy her drinks given that, as I said already, I'm doing *all* the travelling at my own expense, and besides her net pay is about the same as my gross pay!

I'm not sure what the story with her dad is. He seems like a nice enough chap but he is a bit short on tact sometimes, he can be very anatagonistic towards my gf when he has a few beers on him about her weight, and in general conversation he talks in a very dominating, opinion-as-fact tone.

He definitely views me GF as his little princess mind you. Nobody will ever be as busy or as stressed as her in his eyes - when we we're leaving the other night he said to me "i'd say you two are both wrecked from the week's work, though probably more so her" - yeah, sure, because working all week and then hauling yourself across the country week in week out isn't tiring at all!

I guess I just have to keep the chin up and ignore it!

Tbh, he doesn't sound like a "nice enough chap" at all. He sounds like a fcuking nasty, domineering nightmare of a "chap", the sort of "chap" who likes to play on people's insecurities and control and opress everyone around him. If you stay with this g/f long term, you have my sincerest condolences on having him as the FIL.

LegacyUser

her father sounds like a bully.

Wait until he makes some stupid/ignorant statement and give him both barrells, I hope you don't sit by while he slags your partner about her weight in front of you?

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Why would she tell you her dad made some comment? Is she trying to set up some kind of competition between the men in her life? :rolleyes:

The dad sounds old fashioned and is giving off more than a whiff of "show the young pup a thing or two" vibe. Just go with it, is a few rounds really worth falling out over? Getting agro with partners family is a recipe for disaster, just make your excuses if you know he's going to be there and keep contact to a minimum.

Best of luck.

Stu

Give her father the benefit of the doubt. Hes probably trying to push your buttons as fathers do with their daughters boyfriends. But yeah, the next time you are meeting up with her father for drinks, pre-arrange it with your girlfriend that she gets the first round in. The father will probably ask why you aren't paying for the drinks. Thats when your girlfriend needs to step in and say that she wants to pay her fair share as well.

If he starts bitching at you after that just tell him that times have changed and couples who both work generally share the costs on nights out. He'll get the message eventually, just don't rise to any of his taunts. He might be sussing you out to see if you have a short fuse. A lot of fathers think that no man is good enough for their daughters.

My dad could be a right cnut with my sisters boyfriends when she was in her early 20's and would wind them up looking for a reaction to see if they were unhinged in any way :rolleyes:. I think some of the other posters are going overboard about the father being a bully, yeah old fashioned maybe but a bully is a tad strong. Play the game OP but be assertive as well when needed and her father will have respect for you and yous will get along grand.

mood

Why are you doing all the traveling instead of taking it in turns?

Emme

You did nothing wrong. Her father is just picking holes and sounds a bit old-fashioned and patriarchal - rather like my Dad! I remember when I used to introduce guys to him he would always find fault with the guys and sometimes wouldn't talk to them.

You and your gf should just stick to what you do - paying your own way, this is 2010 and if her Dad doesn't like it that's his problem.

If you gf doesn't travel to see you already maybe she should do this some time? Why are you doing all the travelling? I think your gf needs to cut the parents apron strings a bit.

Trashbat

Some men like to excercise control over their family and by by paying for everything they are showing that they are financially dominant and creating a system of dependence.

You said she is "his little princess", yet she is a grown up with career and a life. I wouldn't advocate living at home or even close to home when starting out in adulthood as it causes problems with seperation from the family nucleus. While it is his decision that he pays for his wife's drinks, it is not his business how other people organise rounds.

sambuka41

Hi OP, Sounds like she is afraid to stand up to her dad and doesn't want to upset him. So if he makes a comment about you not paying,she'll say it to you, because she is probably so used to pacifying him and everyone in her life pacifying him that it's natural for her.

But she could at least slip you the cash later rather than just expect you to pay.

How Strange

Her dad sounds very old fashioned. My mam wouldn't buy a round of drinks if she were out with my dad in a group but then again she's a housewife so they're money has always been shared.

In this day and age when women work they most definitely should stand their round. My dad would never expect me to sit out my round or make a comment to my OH about it or suggest he should be buying them.

Her dad is one thing and perhaps he is a bit precious about his little princess but I'd be taking issue with your gf and why she felt the need to tell you this and make you feel like you'd done something wrong. I'd tell her straight out that it was unfair and made you feel uncomfortable and you would've expected her to support you. Moreover it's not 1950's, she has a job, she earns money and is independent so she should be contributing 50/50.

I think perhaps she quite enjoys sitting on the fence and playing princess when daddy is around.

tbh

baffled_dub wrote: »

I guess I just have to keep the chin up and ignore it!

best advice op. You could butt heads with him - you might even win. But it wouldn't be worth it.

i would keep doing what you have done you going to change normal behaviour just to appease this man ?

wadk

Keep the nerve op,next dig is yours so when its his twist tell him to sit tight and save his dollar that he's a wedding to pay for,:D that'll bring the old mucker into the times.

bohsboy

Im sorry to say this but the father looks like he's going to cause a lot of problems. I dont get the "I'll test the boyfriend" rubbish, who is he? A CIA agent?

Keep an eye on it and I'd let the girlfriend know you're not happy with any further comments about you OR her. You'll soon find she wont be passing on anymore of his snide remarks to you.

SarahSassy

I think you are being a bit tight and over dramatic. What odds does a few drinks make in the grand scheme of things???? My father is old school and would not like to see a woman paying for a drink. When my parents were dating he paid for all their nights out and it looks like he thinks you should treat his daughter in the same manner.

How much did it cost you - €25?????? A bit much also bringing up that you pay for your own transport each weekend... Its not like she can change that?

pookie82

OP I don't think you were in the wrong at all. You guys are not married, you don't live together, you only see each other at weekend... why should you cover her rounds? Sounds like financially speaking she's far more equipped to double on a round than you are. The FIL sounds like a sexist git.

I really hate this culture of rounds in this country. I can't stand when someone drags you into one without your permission. You walk into a pub and someone puts a drink in front of you and suddenly you're obliged to get the next 8 drinks, not to mention trying to keep up with people who are faster drinkers than you. Wherever possible I always try to steer well clear of them.

ANXIOUS

If i was in your situation I would've just expected myself and her dad to buy rounds. If I was out with my family it'd be the exact same thing my dad would freak if I expected a girl to buy my mam and dad a round.