Affair?

johndoyle22

Hi,

I am a 27 year old lad from Dublin and I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. However the last 2 years have not been so good. She got ill 2 years ago & was in & out of hospital for a while. Since then she has been suffering with some depression. At first I thought it was only a short term thing but she its still going on. I still love her but I dont think I can go on like this. I now go through life hoping she will snap out of it and things will be like they were. I dont want to leave her as she doesnt have many friends & I dont know what she would do if I split with her plus I still do love her.

We rarely have sex anymore which is really frustrating me at the moment. A work colleague suggested that I look elsewhere for sex if I am not going to leave her. I have been really tempted to do this as it is getting too much lately. However I know it would really hurt her if she ever found out which is what is stopping me! The same colleague suggested that there r plenty of married bored women out there & we would be doing each other a favour! Im at a loss as to what to do!

Any advice or suggestions would really help.

Thanks,

John

dublingal80

what ever you do, dont look for sex outside the relationship while you are with her. dont disprect her like that. you have spent 7 years together and have been through a lot.

You need to figure out if you are staying with her for pity because she isnt well and because she doesnt have many friends, or if its because you are bored in the relationship

you have to be a little bit selfish right now and think about what you want and if its to be with her you really should talk to her about how you are feeling or arrange a rosemantic weekend away to see if that can get that spark back for both of you

Canard

If you're going to break her heart, do it the better way and break up with her.

Seriously. These things always get found out, and what do you think will happen then?

StarryMoon0

I know it sounds like a good idea..but its really not.

If you love her, then the both of you need to work on things.
If your with her out of pity, then end it.

If you have an affair, you'll only feel guilty maybe, and if your worried about how she'd take a break up, how do you think she would feel if you disrespected her like that. In my books cheating is the worst thing you could do... but, its your life and you have to choose the path you will take.

AngryBadger

You have the right to pursue a relationship that satisfies all of your needs, you've stayed with this woman through her illness and at some point she needs to come around or she's going to lose you.

I'm not saying that to be sexist, or encourage infidelity, I'm saying it because expecting someone to stick around for an unknown length of time in a relationship where their partners problems are making things difficult is like asking the impossible.

I wouldn't suggest having an affair, mostly because it will eventually get back to your partner, and whatever pain you think you're sparing her by sticking around will be nothing compared to the pain you'll both feel when an affair gets out.

Instead I'd suggest putting it to her that things cannot continue like this, you understand that she's still having difficulty but there has to be some way you can work through this together, either with or without help from a third party, but if she can't see that, or is unwilling to then you need to walk away, for both your sakes.

johndoyle22

Thanks for the replies. I have tried to reignite the spark with rosemantic weekends etc it gets little better for couple weeks then back to the usual! I know that the better thing to do would be to end it before i go looking elsewhere. Its lot easier said than done especially as been together so long, still want to be with her, and that I am worried about what will happen to her if i do! i dont think its out of pity that im still with her she is lovely person really but just stuck in a rut at the moment! I am so tempted because the lack of sex is what is really frustrating me at the moment! I kinda feel like if that was sorted it wouldnt be half as bad. I have talked to her about it & she always agrees to try improve it but it never lasts.

Ickle Magoo

If the issue is lack of sex within your relationship then having sex outside your relationship doesn't solve the problem, it just introduces a whole heap of new ones.

You have to talk to your girlfriend. She has to know you are not happy, that you are unsatisfied with the status quo and need change, any issues she has she must try to work through. I appreciate that she's been ill but it's not fair to expect someone else to live in a sexless relationship and not do anything about rectifying the situation in the longer term. I think you both need to work out a plan how to get your relationship back on track so you can both be happy - perhaps making it clear just how important this is and how close you are to breaking point would help?

Best of luck.

Taltos

johndoyle22 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I have tried to reignite the spark with rosemantic weekends etc it gets little better for couple weeks then back to the usual! I know that the better thing to do would be to end it before i go looking elsewhere. Its lot easier said than done especially as been together so long, still want to be with her, and that I am worried about what will happen to her if i do! i dont think its out of pity that im still with her she is lovely person really but just stuck in a rut at the moment! I am so tempted because the lack of sex is what is really frustrating me at the moment! I kinda feel like if that was sorted it wouldnt be half as bad. I have talked to her about it & she always agrees to try improve it but it never lasts.

Maybe I read this wrong, maybe you caught me at a bad time - but nowhere in all of the above did I read "but I love her with all my heart and know we are to spend the rest of our lives together." - Whatever justification you need - just END IT NOW.

You both deserve so much more - and one person is NOT responsible for the choices another makes. You have every right to be happy and loved and so does she.

RealistSpy

Hi OP,

You want to have an affair fair enough, just for sex or whatever. Will you be telling your other lady that you in a current relationship or would you lie to the other woman?

MsHolloway

Dress it up whatever way you want, op, but basically you think becoming a deceitful, lying cheater is going to help your relationship in some way? That somehow by you sticking your penis in some other woman's vagina that your problems in the relationship will be magically fixed. Must be some magical sex fairies!! Have I got that right? Sorry if I'm confused here but how, exactly, is that going to help anything, other than you - getting your leg over?

How is that going to help your girlfriend? Do you not think she's been through enough? Does she really need to be going out with someone who is willing to cheat on her, deceit her, lie to her and make a fool out of her?

The problems in the relationship are still going to be there. Sex is important in a relationship I'm not denying that. So either talk to your girlfriend, consider counselling to sort these issues out or leave her.

The pain of the break up while acute, will be far less than if she discover that you cheated on her. And yes, sooner or later she would find out.

Op, really, do you want to become a cheater?? Is that really the path you want to go down??

johndoyle22

Thanks for all the replies.

I think the main point most people r making is that looking for sex elsewhere will only end in disaster & not fix any problems (except for my own selfish problem!). I actually agree that this is true & I feel bad enough even talking about it! But I just cant see what I can do anymore to help the situation. As i said I do love her and want to be with her but I have tried everything to help the situation but nothing seems to work! I think I am just so frustrated in trying to fix the situation that I have kind of given up hope of it going back to normal and have ended up now almost accepting it as it is but cant shake the sexual frustration! I have thought of just finishing it with her many times (even though I dont want to give up on her) but I cant do it considering her situation & what would happen to her in the future. As i said she doesnt have many friends or family so Im kinda all she has & I dont think I could live with myself knowing that I moved on & left her all alone like this!

Ickle Magoo

So tell her how close to breaking point you are and tell her things HAVE to change. You will end up cheating or growing to hate her for puting you in the position of having to sneak around to get a basic human wish.

I know you say you can't leave her alone but she's a big girl, she's well able to look after herself and if she can't contribute meaningfully to a relationship as things are then you'd be doing both of you a favour moving on from that than cheating. There is no point flogging a dead horse out of pity for the girl, she and you deserve better than that.

LegacyUser

go out to a nightclub twice a month and try to get your hole, try to do it in a place where none of her friends go. at least you will have some good one night stands..i siggest not seeing anyone more than once because this will lead to complications. you have every right to be satisfied sexualy. go for it but just keep it on the down low. i reckon once you see whats out there you will do the right thing and end it.. try one or two ladies first ..it will put everything in perspective and make the decision to move on easier.

Taltos

If you have tried everything - then why are you still there?
Walk away.

2 things might happen.
1. It might prompt her to get the help she needs - and you may or may not get back together - but I suggest you do not.
2. In the long run you will both be happier

And more importantly you will not have crossed that line and have become a cheater with all that entails.

I know you don't want to hear it - I know you didn't hear it yesterday. But end it now.

p.s. really hoping your user id is random and is not actually your name - otherwise it will be relatively easy for someone to identify you (her or a friend of hers).

Orla K

johndoyle22 wrote: »

Hi,

I am a 27 year old lad from Dublin and I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. However the last 2 years have not been so good. She got ill 2 years ago & was in & out of hospital for a while. Since then she has been suffering with some depression. At first I thought it was only a short term thing but she its still going on. I still love her but I dont think I can go on like this. I now go through life hoping she will snap out of it and things will be like they were. I dont want to leave her as she doesnt have many friends & I dont know what she would do if I split with her plus I still do love her.

We rarely have sex anymore which is really frustrating me at the moment. A work colleague suggested that I look elsewhere for sex if I am not going to leave her. I have been really tempted to do this as it is getting too much lately. However I know it would really hurt her if she ever found out which is what is stopping me! The same colleague suggested that there r plenty of married bored women out there & we would be doing each other a favour! Im at a loss as to what to do!

Any advice or suggestions would really help.

Thanks,

John

Alright you have said she is suffering with depression, depression isn't something that will just completely disappear forever one morning, she's not going to snap out of it. One of the things that can happen to people when they're depressed is there sex drive just gos right down(don't remember if antidepressents make this worse or if it's the cause of it)

I don't know what help (if any, you never said) she's getting but both of you need help, because it's difficult for someone to cope with someone that's depressed and most of the time people don't have a clue what to do.

Have a look at the aware website, it's one of many I've linked the page 'supporting a loved one'

Also, having an affair just because your fustrated is stupid.

johndoyle22

ok im going to try some of this advice! I am going to tell her again that things HAVE to change which will probably end up with her agreeing & then back where i am in few weeks when I will have to just end it no matter how much it hurts both of us! I am hoping that her not having me around will have a positive result in that she has to get herself together and not push her into deeper depression. I suppose if it works she may not want to see me anymore but if shes better than now that will be a good result. If it doesnt work then I think I will just have to keep an eye on her & hope that she can find some way out!

Thanks every1

mood

johndoyle22 wrote: »

ok im going to try some of this advice! I am going to tell her again that things HAVE to change which will probably end up with her agreeing & then back where i am in few weeks when I will have to just end it no matter how much it hurts both of us! I am hoping that her not having me around will have a positive result in that she has to get herself together and not push her into deeper depression. I suppose if it works she may not want to see me anymore but if shes better than now that will be a good result. If it doesnt work then I think I will just have to keep an eye on her & hope that she can find some way out!

Thanks every1

Is she getting any professional help for the depression? It sounds like she isn't. It isn't something that will go away with out professional help.