He won't ever leave and I don't love him

LegacyUser

As title says, I don't love my husband anymore and truthfully I stopped loving him about a year ago, have tried to but just can't. I have more hatred towards him. He is a bully, has ruined my life, is extremely devious and makes me squirm when he is around, which is all the time as he is unemployed for a year now.

We are together 9 years in total, married 4 and have 3 children. I adore my children and I am so grateful for having them but their father is a rotten man who has tried to destroy me, their mother and is no good to them. He is only nice to them to get to me and is so jealous of how close the kids and I are. I work 4 days a week incl a Sat, so the fact that he minds them when I go to work makes me such a great lad, it's stomach churning. I was actually considering getting a childminder just to get him out of the picture. I have everything done before I go to work so all he really has to do is mind them really and they are just the best kids ever to mind, so good and great fun.

I hate his family, they along with him have tried to destroy my life and I actually found an email from his sister hoping for my death to occur. What lovely people they are, wanting 3 children to be left without their mother, that is what I am up against. He has also tried to turn my friends and family against me aswell and it has worked with my family but he is such an actor it's unreal. He has attaked me a number of times and I had the police up twice and he still wouldn't leave. We had a massive fight a while ago and I threw a plastic bottle at the wall and he walked by and it hit him on the head, he called the cops and went around telling people that I split his head open!!. I have had to stay in for weeks due to facial injuries and had to cover up my arms cos of him and i didn't go running to peoples houses with the evidence. He makes me sick.

The kids are so happy when it's just the 4 of us, when he is around I have such hatred in me that he puts me in bad form. I don't even speak to him really and wish he would just go and move in with his parents or something, but he won't leave. Depsite the fact that I pay all the bills here now and the mortgage and he sits on his arse drawing the dole, pays nothing towards back to school or a recent communion we had and he puts on the great fella act in front of everyone, it's terrible.

I have asked him to get out and he can see the kids whenever he wants but I get the "you won't get me out of this house" speech. If I had the money I would be gone out of here with the kids, the house means nothing to me. Just shows you what matters to him, would love to just leave him here in the place all to himself, he deserves to be alone.
I have lots of friends and am so happy away from him and with the kids, I am the person I am but when he is around all I want to do is cry with unhappiness and the guilt I feel for having a rotten pig like him to be the father of my children and the dispicable family he comes from related to my children, but the kids don't see them I won't have them near them.
I had a very tough 2 years but got thru it without any support from him plus I recently miscarried at a late enough stage and it devastated me, he was his usual disrespectful self the next day after I came home from hospital. He couldn't care less about anyone but himself. The only time I have ever been intimate with him I have been drunk, couldn't be close to him sober it would make me sick.

Someone help me get him out of my life I am so unhappy and miserable.

Emme

If only wrote: »

He has also tried to turn my friends and family against me aswell and it has worked with my family but he is such an actor it's unreal. He has attaked me a number of times and I had the police up twice and he still wouldn't leave. We had a massive fight a while ago and I threw a plastic bottle at the wall and he walked by and it hit him on the head, he called the cops and went around telling people that I split his head open!!. I have had to stay in for weeks due to facial injuries and had to cover up my arms cos of him and i didn't go running to peoples houses with the evidence. He makes me sick.

The kids are so happy when it's just the 4 of us, when he is around I have such hatred in me that he puts me in bad form. I don't even speak to him really and wish he would just go and move in with his parents or something, but he won't leave. Depsite the fact that I pay all the bills here now and the mortgage and he sits on his arse drawing the dole, pays nothing towards back to school or a recent communion we had and he puts on the great fella act in front of everyone, it's terrible.

Has your husband ever worked? Has he always been violent, or has it only happened since he became unemployed?

If the police have had to be called to your house twice (on your behalf) and on his behalf (once) I would consider getting professional legal advice about his behaviour.

Good Advice

GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously op your too good of a person to be around this animal...does he hurt you infront of the kids?????

go to a friend house and stay there , he obviously was never like this at the start??prob acted all along makes me sick..

your kids should not be around him its actually a danger, why would his sister send an email like that some family is right..your probjust broken down now but you have to fight him all the way, are any of your family talking to you?you have to get help ASAP..

good luck OP..xx

LegacyUser

If only wrote: »

I recently miscarried at a late enough stage.

So you were going to have another kid with this man that you hate!!!!!! Why?

Goesague

Get a barring order.

Beruthiel

OP
For the sake of your sanity and that of your childrens mental health, it is not worth staying in the house if you cannot get him to go.

Leave and rent somewhere.
Hire a good family law solicitor and sue for divorce. Make him sell the house so you can have half the profit.
Do whatever it takes. As it stands, you are not doing yourself or your children any favours by living with this man.

Colonel_McCoy

Throw his clothes out when he is out and change the locks

Nevyn

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

Throw his clothes out when he is out and change the locks

That is an illegal act, if his name is on the deeds of the house and it's his home you can't lock him out and if you do he is entitled to break in.

Pack up the kids and go stay with friends/relatives until you get it sorted out
or check and see if there is a women's aid shelter near you.

If you are not ready to take that step yet then contact them any way.
You do have grounds for a safety order and maybe a barring order as well if he has been physically abusive.

Life is too short and your children's childhood too precious to be living like that.

Please get help asap.
http://www.womensaid.ie/

StarryMoon0

Start making plans to get out of there..if not for you, for your children.
Do you want them growing up and behaving like he does?

I feel for you, and I really hope you can see that YOU are worth having a good life and that you can pick yourself up, gather your courage and make that break. Its hard to do, I know...but down the road you will look back and wonder why you didn't do it earlier.

LegacyUser

I can't leave as I don't have the money to rent anywhere and the sw won't help until you are 3 months legally seperated so I am screwed that way. We are in negative equity with the house so no point in selling and no profit to be made from the house, just wish it was worth what is owed and just sell the place and get out of here. The way he intimidates me in my own home and the lies he tells people with his mister nice guy act is terrible but thankfully I have good friends who don't fall for it but he has hoodwinked so many people I thought were close to me and family it hurts so much. I never told all the problems as I am a private persona and I don't really have a family that would help me out leaving him, attitude is that I was the eget that married him and should have left years ago.
All my friends have their kids and I can't move in with another family, would not be fair and my kids love their home and their surroundings, why should I have to take them out of their secure home because he won't leave, he is too selfish to see that part.
As regards miscarriage, when I found out I was expecting my 4th child I was so devastated and angry with myself but then like any mother I quickly started to love the baby that I was carrying and am finding the loss so hard to deal with and I blame myself to, shouldn't have got pregnant in the first place to loose a baby like that. I am lucky to have the 3 fab kids I do have and am thankful everyday for them and their health.
He is unemployed for a year now and I heard recently he has been telling people he is not getting a job because he cannot leave the kids with me!...the dirty lying pig has been saying that to disguise the face he really should have a job by now. I am with them the whole time and do everything with them and we are so close and love each other to bits, what he is trying to do is just hurt me with no regard for the effect on the kids.
I am falling apart emotionally with the stress of living with him and the worry for the future as I want a normal life and will never have it with him. All I want is me and my kids and nothing else. I have not got a barring order yet as I am afraid to because there will be murder and he just will never go away and neither will his rotten family.

jam_mac_jam

If he is on the dole there is no reason in the world to stay with him. Not that I would advise staying for money but even that reason is not there. If he is violent get a barring order and he will have to leave the house. You cannot stay with this man and if you cannot get him to leave then you have to.

Emme

He's not going to leave voluntarily when he has a cushy number with you. You work, pay the bills, put up with his abuse and he doesn't work, draws the dole and is basically a kept man. I know jobs are hard to find and I don't condemn anyone for being on the dole but it sounds like your husband has his bread buttered on both sides and knows it.

If he is being violent please get a barring order or at least get legal advice. If not for your sake do it for the sake of your children.

up for anything

OPhereagainthanks wrote: »

I can't leave as I don't have the money to rent anywhere and the sw won't help until you are 3 months legally seperated so I am screwed that way.

I don't know where you got this information but if the Social Welfare told you that it is not strictly true. Your best way out is to put a proper safety plan into place. Also make contact with your nearest refuge who will help you with a workable plan and give you the most up-to-date information on what help will be available to you if you want to leave or get him out of the house.

If you would like I can PM you. I won't encourage you to make a change in your circumstances, that must come from you, but I can let you know what my experiences were like in a similar case to your own.

jurgenscarl

If you would like I can PM you. I won't encourage you to make a change in your circumstances, that must come from you, but I can let you know what my experiences were like in a similar case to your own.

I think that is the best plan.

You need more detailed advice than just a string of comments on this thread.

If someone can give you a detailed plan, point you toward people who can help you out, you can work a strategy to get out of your predicament.

This is going to be very hard but the circumstances you are in are unbearable, this character knows he can milk it for all it's worth but you have stick your guns.

This man is a sociopath. He will not react kindly to you out witting him. You have to be prepared that he may turn violent and harm you or the kids so do not be shy about calling the cops.

Best of luck and take care of yourself.

panda_cub

OP, please take action, for yourself and your children.

I'm not sure where you are living, but if you are in the South, I would highly recommend you contact OSS - www.osscork.ie.

You might be able to ring them for advice regardless of where you are. I know they can take you step by step through whatever route you chose, be it barring orders or taking the first step to leave etc.

Best of luck.

xzanti

abbobboob wrote: »

So you were going to have another kid with this man that you hate!!!!!! Why?

That's a bit unfair, not all children are planned and not everyone is pro choice.. I love the way people log out to make comments like this :rolleyes:

Discodog

This may sound a little harsh but there are countless cases of women who live with abusive men but will not leave them. Anyone who has worked with abused women can recall tales of women going back to their abusers.

Whatever your thoughts your children come first. You can get out. It won't be easy & it will mean sacrifices but it is possible. You have an inner strength that has carried you through the dark days. You need to summon it up & use it to make the break that can change your life.

You know that he will not change. You know that he will not leave. So it is up to you & you can do it. Take all the advice that is out there. Make a plan & stick to it. You have a lot of life ahead of you & you are entitled to start enjoying it.