Completely freaked

LegacyUser

HI Guys,

Im in a bit of a pickle, the girl im with at the moment is heading away in sept, i have contacts to where she is moving and i could move and get a job there, thing is she is on an erasumus. we have only been together a few months, about five. Major connection though.
We have talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend a while back but avoided going down that route as it would complicate things further when she does go away. now the thing is i am after falling madly head over heals for this girl. Have been in many relationships before but this is a whole new emotional level. we also talked about how we should keep in contact by facebook, emails, skype etc. well she mentioned it, not me. im just not too sure any more!

I dont want to hold her back and i feel that if i do decide to head over it could be our downfall, but then on the other side of things if i dont, i will only see her once between september and christmas. and thats a maybe.

we are both early 20's, im slightly older than her.
what are your opinions. i really need some guidance on this please

Exclamation Marc

I assume when you say that you're "with her" but not boyfriend/girlfriend, that its a casual thing. And because of this, I would say that following her over might not be the best idea.

Considering the most she has put to you is that you should "stay in contact", to move over with her could be construed as a bit too much and OTT considering you've only been with each other a couple of months, and not actually bf/gf.

If you really want to test the waters though my advice is to mention to her you have a friend over there and could get a job if you wanted, and see what her reaction is. Break it to her in a light-hearted way and see how she reacts to it, so if she's a bit negative towards it, your light-hearted manner will let you get away with asking it.

However if she really wanted it to work or to develop into a relationship, I would assume she would stay with you even though she's away or at least give it a try. The fact that you've both avoided going down that route of bf/gf seems a little like she might not be interested in a relationship right now, as she may want the time away on her own to experience something new without being tied down.

And even on your end, can you really just up and leave and move to wherever she is going? Do you not have commitments or job/study? The worst thing you can do for you, is give up a job/study or skip on a commitment, move over for a month or two, it not work out and be back home out of a job or whatnot.

As I said though, personally, it doesn't seem like she wants to develop the relationship due to her suggestions of keeping in touch but not staying together, but how she really feels deep down is something only you can work out. As I said, lighthearted suggestion, say it in a throwaway comment and see the reaction.

I could be wrong on her feelings, but I'm just playing devils advocate for you.
Good luck OP.

Chinafoot

freaked wrote: »

HI Guys,

Im in a bit of a pickle, the girl im with at the moment is heading away in sept, i have contacts to where she is moving and i could move and get a job there, thing is she is on an erasumus. we have only been together a few months, about five. Major connection though.

Bad, bad, bad idea. She's going away for college. She'll be there for what? 9 months? What are you going to do when her college year is over? Pack up this new job over there and come to what? After a 5 month, casual relationship following her over would be a very bad move. Have you even spoken to her about that idea?

freaked wrote: »

We have talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend a while back but avoided going down that route as it would complicate things further when she does go away. now the thing is i am after falling madly head over heals for this girl. Have been in many relationships before but this is a whole new emotional level. we also talked about how we should keep in contact by facebook, emails, skype etc. well she mentioned it, not me. im just not too sure any more!

Right, so you're not boyfriend and girlfriend because she's heading away. Have you had a conversation regarding seeing other people during that time? Are you effectively breaking up when she leaves? You need to be having that conversation, not picturing yourself moving to where she's going to college and getting yourself a job so you can be with her.

freaked wrote: »

I dont want to hold her back and i feel that if i do decide to head over it could be our downfall, but then on the other side of things if i dont, i will only see her once between september and christmas. and thats a maybe.

Tbh, people have endured longer breaks in contact. You need to speak to her and find out for definite where you both stand. By all means tell her what you're thinking, but don't be surprised if she doesn't want you to do go with her. On a personal level, I certainly wouldn't want my year of college abroad involving someone I'd been casually dating for 5 months moving to where I am so we could be together. Its going to be a fantastic experience for her and if she has mentioned facebook and skype to you, I reckon it's a safe bet that you coming with her hasn't even crossed her mind.

Denimgirl

I think you will freak HER out if you mention this going over business, If she feels the same way as you, maybe you can stay in touch and maybe you could pop over there after a few months if she likes,but seriously don't suggest this as she will think your too full on! you want her to still desire you right? play it cool I know it's hard but she will want you more.not play it cool like be distant but just don't be too full on with her giver her space and let her enjoy college and it's OK to let her know this and to say you'll miss when she's away,but nothing TOO heavy.

tbh

let her go. 9 months will fly by. If the two of you are meant to be together, it'll make your relationship stronger. If you aren't, well, may as well find out now rather than later.

LittleBook

freaked wrote: »

i have contacts to where she is moving ... i will only see her once between september and christmas. and thats a maybe.

Consider using your contacts to visit her rather than move there.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Think ye have all just said what i was fearing to admit to myself really.

As for the relationship not "developing" it was her idea to keep it going this long, we never intended on it gettin this far and we are hugely emotionally connected. For example she has two weeks left on a holiday and when she initially left she cried so much, it was heart breaking to see her cry, and we have been in contact alot since she went away, the longest being three days with out chatting in some from. she and i have discussed starting something when she returns home, and it was her who brought this issue up one night.

As for the visit over, yes i will be going over to visit her, once before christmas anyway. i said i jokingly to her a while back and she jumped at the idea so thats a positive i think.

thanks for the responses too guys, puts logic into my thoughts rather than the current blind stupidity!