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Best friend doesnt care

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  • 28-06-2010 1:37pm
    #1
    dublingal80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,540 ✭✭✭


    I have a friend of about 10 years and we are super close. We always have such a laugh together and we tell eachother everything

    The 1 down side to her would be that she is a little bit self centred. Always talking about herself, not just to me, people from her old job said that about her, but i still love her and it was just part of being her

    I thought that until recently. Me and my long term oh recently broke up. She knew him for years too and we were madly in love. Moving in together this year and planning to get engaged next year until he broke up with me completely out of the blue

    Now, for the 1st week she was amazing meeting me after work for chats and calling me and always checking in to see how i was. And then it stopped. And that was 6 weeks ago. Not once in the past 6 weeks has she asked how am i coping, have i heard from him, have i contacted him, are we going to meet up, the usual stuff any friend would usually ask another friend when they go throguh a bad break up.

    Its honestly shocked me that she hasnt asked me anything about it. The last few years she has been with a lot of guys and ive always always shown interest in them, given her advice whether i thoguht the guy wasnt right for her, that she could do better, or the fact one was married and to stay away. I have been there for her so much and i just cant believe she hasnt said anything to me about it

    But i dont know whether i should say it to her or not. In my heart I want to ask her why. Why she hasnt shown the slightest bit of interst in it, since he was the love of my life for years just to see what she says. I dont want to get into an arguement over it, i jsut wanna find out why.... but then, if i do bring it up to her, i just know myself whenever, if she did ever ask if i had heard from him, it would feel like she is only doing it cos i had made an issue out of it before

    what would you do?


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    #2
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    You have to say it to her. If she is self-centered she probably doesn't realise she hasn't shown enough tlc so you need to spell it out to her and tell her you're a bit hurt by it. She will either be mortified and didn't realise or tell you she didn't want to bring it up because she thought it might upset you. I have a friend who is a good soul but terribly self-centered too and if I think she is inhabiting her self-obsession bubble I normally say it to her tbh....


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Maybe she's waiting for you to bring it up as she's not sure whether you want to talk about it or not?
    Have you tried to bring it up and she's ignored it or is it a case that you are waiting to see if she asks you about it?


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    #4
    dublingal80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,540 ✭✭✭dublingal80


    nah its not that she is afraid to bring it up. we have been friends for 10 years. we talk about everything - im just not good at confrontation which is why i havent said anything yet.

    Just a simple- so how u been doing, have you heard from him
    thats all

    she says to me loads that she is delighted im single now cos so is she and all the fun we are gonna have togheter but thats it

    i just htink its strange. especially with all the effort i put into her relationships with men over the last 4 years... and believe me, it was a lot of effort i put in. there were loads of guys and even now there are 2 she has her eye on and kssing and im always asking how she is getting on witht hem, if she has heard from them etc... just usual friend stuff


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    #5
    Unknown Unknown
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Unknown Unknown


    Maybe she just not interested in it. You say them a bit self centered.
    I say leave it be, that's how they are if you a friend accept it.


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    #6
    Funky Kingston
    Registered Users Posts: 131 ✭✭Funky Kingston


    Just a simple- so how u been doing, have you heard from him
    thats all

    i just htink its strange. especially with all the effort i put into her relationships with men over the last 4 years... and believe me, it was a lot of effort i put in.

    I could have written the above myself OP . My bestie is exactly the same . She even showed me a text message her BF sent her about how much he loved her the same night my ex dumped me :eek: It hurt at the time and i was off with her ....

    But that is just how she is , its not intentional or nasty , she just doesn't realise . Like you i'm not confrontational and i tend to rely on others for advice on these situations instead of her now . When she has a problem its the only thing she can think about .... Its a lonely place when you are going through something and she won't mention it to you.

    You just have to be aware of the person she is , bring up the subject and mention you are a bit down about it and would like her advice from time to time . If you confront her about it she will only make the argument about herself and not your problems . She is your bestie for a reason .... remind her that you have problems too sometimes

    I hope you are okay xxx


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    #7
    fungun
    Registered Users Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭fungun


    even in friendships we usually have our 'roles'

    Seems like you are a 'carer', she isnt


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    #8
    Denimgirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 392 ✭✭Denimgirl


    Maybe she does'nt want to bring it up and feels like if she did it would upset you and stop you from moving on!Personally I don't like my mates asking me about my ex after I told them the story of how it ended we have a good chat and thats it,you try and move on but if I needed to talk I would bring it up first I guess my mates know me like that I'm not very good at speaking about my personal feelings like that.She may not be asking on purpose out of respect and bringing on a downer when mentioning his name.


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    #9
    bellylint
    Registered Users Posts: 230 ✭✭bellylint


    Heya ,
    You ask what would 'you' do. I have been in a very similar scenario and I asked. Took me a bit to ask, as I felt a bit needy doing it, but I said feck it and did it. I think you have answered it for yourself anyways, with "In my heart I want to ask her why". There could be any number of valid reasons for someone to behave that way before you need to go to negative ones.


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    #10
    Ticktactoe
    Registered Users Posts: 763 ✭✭✭Ticktactoe


    dublingal80 wrote: »
    I have a friend of about 10 years and we are super close. We always have such a laugh together and we tell eachother everything

    Obviously not everything or you wouldn't have this problem OP.

    Talk to her about it and if your friendship is as good as you say, well this should only make it stronger.


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    #11
    dublingal80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,540 ✭✭✭dublingal80


    Ticktactoe wrote: »
    Obviously not everything or you wouldn't have this problem OP.

    Talk to her about it and if your friendship is as good as you say, well this should only make it stronger.


    Thats what im saying... after 10 years of such a close friendship and me always there for her and her usually there for me, the worst year of my life i have had the past 12 months (my dad passed away and then this) and the fact it isnt even a wondering in her head to see how i am.

    I dont think i'll say it to her, at the moment i dont think i will. I have enough on my plate with my dads 1st anniversary looming and i have other friends who ask me literally every single day about me and himself and how am i doing and literally talk talk talk talk talk about it constantly with me which is so lovely. and some of the friends i wouldnt know half as well as herself. The last couple of years she has become extremely me me me and when i do bring up something about myself the reply is usually "oh really... i did xxxx today" and its straight back to her. I thoguht she would have contacted me fathers day since it was my first one without my dad and i told her how much i was dreading it, and she never did


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    #12
    Ticktactoe
    Registered Users Posts: 763 ✭✭✭Ticktactoe


    dublingal80 wrote: »
    Thats what im saying... after 10 years of such a close friendship and me always there for her and her usually there for me, the worst year of my life i have had the past 12 months (my dad passed away and then this) and the fact it isnt even a wondering in her head to see how i am.

    I dont think i'll say it to her, at the moment i dont think i will. I have enough on my plate with my dads 1st anniversary looming and i have other friends who ask me literally every single day about me and himself and how am i doing and literally talk talk talk talk talk about it constantly with me which is so lovely. and some of the friends i wouldnt know half as well as herself. The last couple of years she has become extremely me me me and when i do bring up something about myself the reply is usually "oh really... i did xxxx today" and its straight back to her. I thoguht she would have contacted me fathers day since it was my first one without my dad and i told her how much i was dreading it, and she never did

    dublingal80 wrote: »
    have other friends who ask me literally every single day about me and himself and how am i doing and literally talk talk talk talk talk about it constantly with me which is so lovely.
    dublingal80 wrote: »
    she has become extremely me me me and when i do bring up something about myself the reply is usually "oh really... i did xxxx today" and its straight back to her..
    dublingal80 wrote: »
    I thoguht she would have contacted me fathers day since it was my first one without my dad and i told her how much i was dreading it, and she never did

    If your not going to talk to her about it, I think you already know the answer to this then. I mean this in the nicest way possible - get other friends. Shes not worth it.


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