I'm on the edge of what I can take..

LegacyUser

I need help... though in reality not that much can be done.. I just want to release some stress.

Background - I'm a 20yr old guy and I have extreme social anxiety due to my hatred and embarrassment of my physical appearance. It peaked when I reached my late teens and noticed all the other guys maturing physically, while as far as I can see, I didn't. I was a 5'9, small boned, ugly, disproportioned thing at 15, and still am now at almost 21.. So I don't see that changing. And all this despite my dad being a f*cking 6ft well built, decent looking bloke..

I'm therefore some freak of nature and an inferior being (which I have determined from my brief experiences of the outside world, and also get reminded of that around my family). I stay at home, in my relative comfort zone almost 24/7, and apart from walking the dog, I don't go out unless absolutely necessary. And every time I do put myself through such torture that is the prying eyes of the outside world and see how much better off other people are, I come back ready to put my lights out...

Now on to the topic.. Due to my parent's bad financial situation, we have recently (and for the first time) taken in two american students around my age.. who will be staying for a month.

I can't cope with this of course. I'm at breaking point here... It's bad enough being ashamed of, loathing my appearance, but at least before I could escape from the outside world and that torture. Now I'm in constant hell.

And what makes things worse is the students are both your typical 'hot' american girls and major extroverts...... It's hard enough being around other men, let alone good looking women I'm attracted to!! Now I get to feel undesired all the time..

Doesn't end yet. On top of that one of them towers over me in height... I feel bad enough being around my taller father. Two women come over, and I'm still one of the shortest in the house..

There literally is no end. The situation covers every area of my insecurities. This is the absolute worst case scenario I have ever found myself in. No escape. I can't function socially due to my issues (which I have described best I could above) Daily I've been forced to make decisions in my own home to either make an effort to interact with the guests with constant risk of making a fool of myself, or hide away and avoid them wherever possible. Which of course means these people then realize what a miserable, pathetic loser I am (if they haven't already). So I can't win. I have to feel constantly humiliated and ashamed of my appearance and ashamed of being a hermit and a loner.

Right now I just feel I'm on the verge of what I can take mentally right now. If I had a restricted life before... then now I truly have..

gerardo1982

I can imagine it's pretty tough dealing with all that stuff. I think you should look at this situation in a positive way. You have a great chance to develop your social skills with two hot ladies. Chances are they realise you are shy but if you make an effort to get on with them they will probably make an effort too. I am sure it isn't easy but don't hide away from them, this will only make things worse. Good luck anyway.:)

coffee_cake

OP you absolutely definitely need professional counselling on your self esteem issues as this is taking over your life.
Please go talk to someone. They'll have seen this before, and I can tell you now that you're not as bad looking as you've convinced yourself you are. There's nothing wrong with being slight and of AVERAGE height.
Just go talk to someone about it and you'll feel much better. You don't have to lock yourself in!

Emme

The tone of the OP's post makes me think of Franz Kafka - he suffered similar anxieties because he was smaller than his father. However, 5'9" isn't small for a man in this country. Join a gym, get fit and do some weights - it won't make you taller but you'll feel better about yourself. Some of the most confident men I've known have been under 5'7".

greengiant09

don't want to sound demeaning op but the way you're looking at things is seriously irrationally and inaccurrate. i suffered from SA so i can relate to what you're saying BUT by getting help i realised that the way i was looking at things was completely 'faulty'!

i look back now and actually laugh when i think of some of the things i used to believe about myself. for instance, i used to think my friends were talking about me behind my back when i was in another room and would imagine conversations they were having about me in my head. i used to believe this crap until i started getting treated about my SA.

i suggest you do too....it is is highly treatable through cbt and medication can provide relief from your symptoms. you can either continue the way your going which is making you miserable or you be pro-active and take control of your life and start treating it. the choice is ultimately yours...

LegacyUser

I have gone to dozens of therapists, gone through different techniques. Nothing has worked.

I can't have normal conversations with strangers. I often stumble over my words, especially when I am asking a question. When I'm replying to someone it's not as bad.

I act really awkward as well. For example these guests are basically strangers to me. If I walk into a room which they are in, and none of the family are in there talking with them, I just want to get the f*ck out of there the first chance I get.. I might manage to say one thing/ask one question and that's usually it. My mind is racing and I can't think. In these situations I'm just desperate not to make anyone aware of my awkwardness...

This is why I usually close myself off in one room. To avoid this. Of course there are times like dinner where I have no choice..

I also don't like to appear rude. So when these students come in the door at the end of the day, my mind goes into overdrive trying to decide if I should be going out to greet them or if the risk of coming across as an awkward, mumbling idiot is too great.

And of course usually I would only go through these stressful moments while out of the house.. So you can see how I'm feeling so trapped..

LegacyUser

Right well I've done it. It's finally happened. These people now know how much of a complete loner I really am. And I have to live with them for the next damn month!!!!

At diner tonight, an unexpected question was thrown at me by one of the girls. 'Do you work?'.... Taken by surprise I had no choice but to say uh... no.. uh.. (classic hesitation) I do the odd bit of work for my dad though. Then came a follow up... 'Have you ever had a job?'.... I said no again and mumbled out some rubbish about not being able to hold down a job..

Then here was the finisher.. 'Where do you like go for a night out?'.... Taken off guard again here as well of course... so I basically started with a f*cking stutter before spouting out.. 'uh wherever my friends are going'..

And I could quite clearly identify the meaning of the expressions on their faces, as I witness such looks all the time.

So I was hoping this wouldn't have happened so soon but it has and I now feel like the sorriest, most pathetic loser on the planet. It's in these moments where I just don't want to go on living.

greengiant09

listen mate, that might be all well and true about what happened 2nite but talking about it till the cows come home about how bad it is, is NOT going to improve your life one jot!

i don't doubt you tried dozens of therapists but i do question their quality. i myself tried a few before i got anywhere. i eventually found cbt and after dedicating myself to this therapy for a few months i started to make progress. i'm still doing it over a year later and found my anxiety is gradually reducing as time goes by. it's not an easy fix, it takes time, peristence and patience!

my SA was on the moderate scale but i do attend a behavioural group were others with extreme SA are present. i see it with my own eyes their own progress. it will take a longer period of time for people with extreme SA to get overcome it but i do know that their lives can become a hell of a lot more bearable than they were before.

if you go on to the national health service website for the Uk, you can listen to a clinical psychologist do a video about how anxiety disorders such as social anxiety can be successfully treated through cbt and/or medication.

i remember a time when i didn't have one single friend in the world and now my life is completely different. the only way you can fail is if you give up! i know you can do it!.....sure you're just after carrying out an entire conversation with us and you managed to communicate it successfully

LegacyUser

Right.. I've been really trying my best the past couple of days to be friendly and socialize with the students sharing the house. One of them came in in the early hours of the morning (albeit pretty drunk) and came down and joined me where I was watching tv and we just hung out and had a good long chat. Having good laughs and all. We both had a few beers too which definitely got me talking with more confidence.

Next day.. and she barely says a word to me.. What the hell!? And of course this has now sent my confidence right back down with a bang again as a result, and I'm basically back to closing myself off again..

What the hell am I doing wrong?? I'm beginning to think it is just me. The way I look or naturally act.. I dunno.. I can't stand this.

greengiant, I appreciate your advice, but I have been there already. I'm sick of going to therapists at this stage. They don't work for me. Right now I'm just really trying to deal with the current situation I am in.

InReality

nothing you said the other night sounded weird to me. could be the girls think your cool and the quiet type.
its difficult knowing what people are thinking or doing most time.
figuring out why the girls are doing x or y , while your own thinking is already skewed by anxiety and low self esteem , is pretty much impossible.

At best guess they are have a miilion other things on their mind .

up for anything

Trapped1 wrote: »

Right now I'm just really trying to deal with the current situation I am in.

You have been given some very good advice. However unfortunately, nothing is going to suddenly change unless you institute the change. Easier said than done I know. Join a gym, as someone else suggested. Find out the quiet times and go then. Take along an ipod and plug yourself in to it, if you find trying to make small talk with people difficult. Physical activity will not only build your body up but will also release endorphins which will make you feel good about yourself.

When you talk to people tell them straight off that your social skills are crap but you're working on them. Make a bit of a joke out of it. Then if you screw up, you can laugh and say I told you so.

As for the student - don't straight away think that her attitude the next day was anything to do with you. It may have been all her. Maybe she had a rotten hangover, maybe she felt she told you too much (I'm conjecturing here), maybe she has some personal problems that she is preoccupied with. It could have been some sort of unintentional vibe you were giving her that was pushed her away without you realising it. Without being mean, the world does not center around you. Other people have problems in their lives that cause them to act a certain way that has nothing to do with you. Don't close yourself off because of that.

Don't get hung up on your height. My brother is 5' 6½". He makes much of that ½" . 5' 9" is an average height in this country. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Shoulders back, chin up - as I used to get lectured. It does make a difference to your height, if that is truly bothering you, but more importantly it makes a difference to the way other people perceive you.

Try volunteering. It doesn't have to be skilled volunteering. There are a lot of old people out there with no one to talk to/at. Get in contact with Age Action, Age Concern, your local hospital, the Vincent de Paul... the list is endless. When my mother was in hospital recently it was heartbreaking to see the amount of old people who don't have visitors. You could find that you are not just giving something but getting something back - the elderly have a lot life experience that they are dying to impart to someone. It could be you.

People tell me I post shite but I don't let that stop me. In your case you are the one who is telling yourself that you are hopeless. Stop it.

trebor28

i dont have any experience of cbt or sa or some other stuff like that and you seem to have gotten a lot of good advice already.

one thing i would say to you is that you are thinking to much and over analysing everything to the nth degree when there is probably nothing there to really analyse.
you need to get out of your head.

maybe the girl was just really hungover and embarrassed about something she had said the night before or something.

you need to just let go of all this crap that is weighing you down.
you are in a vicious spiral, and im not saying its easy but you have to start somewhere.
i dont know you from adam but i bet that there is nothing wrong with you and its all in your head so to speak.
im not the most outgoing of people myself.
i often meet people and if i dont know them that well i cant think of anything to say to them and just dont say anything or very little, its no big deal it happens to loads of people, anddont get me started on talking to women i fancy....

sorry if you think i am a bit harsh, not meaning to be.

angelxx

OP I think speaking to a therapist or at least your GP would help.
You seem to have very low self esteem. Have you tried socialising
and getting to know new people?

LegacyUser

These girls are away from home in a new situation and I can assure you that 99.99% of the time they aren't thinking about you or worrying about your behaviour. Not that there is anything wrong with your behaviour! From what you have told us you have been polite and cordial to them - sharing your beer, asking some questions, being attentive when in their company. You have adapted well to a new situation. In the long term, I agree with other posters, you should talk to someone and get to the root of the problem.

php-fox

Hey OP.
I am not in any way qualified to give advice, but if I may, I'll share my thoughts with you.

>>due to my hatred and embarrassment of my physical appearance
First of all, appearance is nothing. Personality is all that matters. I have seen the most visually unattrictive people who are the greatest fun, messers and slag themselves for what they are Relax and take it easy.
Mate, you have one life, it's your choice: spend it worrying about unimportant people and their opinions, or spend it rocking the universe.

>>Next day.. and she barely says a word to me.. What the hell!?

I'll tell you a little secret. She was thinking the same thing! He barely says a word to me.. WTF?!
You're the man, remember? If you need something, take it :P

I have not heard anything about your education, hobbies, intererests? Do you do any? People are interesting if they have an opinion about stuff and a skill in something.
Get yourself a hobby and an interest. Read books, shoot photographs, write a blog about your social anxiety (you'll make a forture! or just annoy random strangers It's all a lot of fun.
In fact life is a gift. People spend their whole life's waiting for some miracle not realing that they are living that miracle! Make the most of it and put a dent in the universe! :P

Best of luck to you!

mikemac

5' 9'' is short? When did that happen? That's average or maybe slightly above average in Ireland

great post from php-fox above and you're getting great advice on the thread here.

OP, the girls think you're pretty cool, maybe the strong silent type.
Look if they had no time for you they would ignore you and possibly leave the room when you entered.
But you can talk away to them and they like you from what I've read here.

As for getting ignored the next morning, she was probably hungover or afraid she shared something she shouldn't have.

Get an ipod, some uplifting music, I like classical and epic music scores, most young people don't ( you don't know what you are missing folks! ) but whatever works for you.
And go for a long walk, it's a nice day and it'll change your mood. You're pretty introverted and that's cool so this is time for you to relax. Maybe do this at a set time everyday, like early at 6am when it's very quiet.

I think if you join the gym you're going to be self conscious around the weights due to your confidence and build.
Get a trainer to help you out, remember nobody is looking at you at the gym and everyone is there for same reason.
But you certainly don't need to built like a machine to attract and get on with others, that's confidence man and you need to build up yours.

You are over analyzing everything and I'd say you beat yourself up a lot in your mind.
I don't know much about therapy, you did well to start this thread though

LegacyUser

Like a lot of other posters have said, you are getting good advice here. Just wanted to say I bet that girl really enjoyed talking to you. You sound intelligent and witty. You're very very young, don't waste your precious youth beating yourself up. In years to come you may look back and think 'Jeesh, I wasn't half bad looking, why did I waste so much time giving myself a hard time and worrying about what everyone else thought'. I know its easier said than done, but try and focus on your good points, your talents, talk to someone who will help you do that. I don't know much about cbt but other posters have mentioned it and it might be a good option. Maybe think about where you want to be in 10 years time or even 5 years time and focus on that. You may be skinny but you could still have a bit of 'filling out' (for lack of a better description) to do. I've seen lots of guys only get bigger well into their 20s. Try the gym, there's all shapes and sizes going to gyms just trying to get fit and healthy. Best of luck!

LegacyUser

up for anything wrote: »

As for the student - don't straight away think that her attitude the next day was anything to do with you. It may have been all her. Maybe she had a rotten hangover, maybe she felt she told you too much (I'm conjecturing here), maybe she has some personal problems that she is preoccupied with. .

Was just thinking that!! It could be that she was embarrassed about the way she came across the previous night being drunk, or maybe she was tired! I talk to nobody ANY morning, let alone drinking nights out.

OP - i think you really should speak to someone about all this, a professional. We all have thoughts like this about ourselves, to some extent - but it can take over your life if you don't get help with it. Maybe its just me, but i find as i get older, i dont give a c$%P about what anyone thinks about me.

jurgenscarl

There are videos on youtube that show you how to do proper press-ups and sit ups and squat thrusts if going to a gym is too much of an ordeal. They are the easiest exercises of all and if you really push yourself to do as many as possible a day you will e fit in no time and will feel good too.

Go for a run or a ride on a your bike every day in some secluded natural area if you are scared people are looking at you. If you push yourself hard each day over the summer you'll feel fit as a fiddle.

Maybe you need to channel your aggression because it seems to be all inward. Take up karate or kung fu or MMA which are great fun, great ways of meeting people and great for confidence and discipline.

It will get you out of the house and take your mind off the two hotties.

If you are in the house and the girls are there and you have to converse with them, keep the banter cheerful and light. Ask the girls about what they are doing, how they feel about Ireland, their homeplace back in America, what they like to get up to etc etc and shut up and listen and take in everything they say. Keep the talk entirely situational and don't bring up anything about yourself unless they ask you. Keep them talking about themselves. People like to talk about themselves and nobody else.
If they tell you what they are interested in, talk about that and don't bring up a subject of conversation they have no interest in.
If they have different beliefs in politics, religion or other controversial stuff don't argue with them about it.

Most of all force yourself to a positive attitude.

Every day is a new day and something exciting can happen.

Make things exciting for yourself and stop waiting for other people do it for you.

You are good fella and all this sh8te is really just in your head.

The more you think negative the more negative things are going to get.

The more positive you think the more positive things will get.