Sick of making the effort

LegacyUser

I need to vent and i need advice.
Been going out with the OH for 2 years, we hadnt done anything nice and just for us in a while so since i had the money this weekend i decided to take him out for dinner friday night despite been sick from tiredness as id worked a horrid long week. So went for a lovely meal and had a friend come in and decorate my room with roses on bed candles and massage oil, we came back led him upstairs and gave him a nice massage for a half hour he then turned over and fell asleep! The following morning i asked him did he enjoy last night and he said ya it was nice i suppose. Nice - it was nice! an icecream is nice! your girlfriend who's seen double from tiredness who you only see at the weekend who bends over backwards to ensure you have a lovely surprise and a beautiful romantic night requires more than its nice!
Im the one who is always leaving the little notes, buyin him the little presents, turning up to surprise him mid week. Never once in the two years has he ever done anything romantic or used his brain to surprise me with anything! i have to tell him what to get me for xmas or my birthday and well as for our anniversary "o i didnt know when we started going out" is the excuse!
Seriously girls is there much of a point in putting up with this and trying and trying and getting nothing in return???? and Lads do ye do it to simply piss us off??? is it so hard to go to lidl and by a 3euro bunch of roses??? its not the price of the gift or what it is - its the thought! i know some of you guys are great but why is it so hard for the rest?
Apologies for the vent its just tormenting.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Some people just aren't into the candles and romance stuff - if that's what you want you have to spell that out. It's pointless trying to rely on telepathy and then getting upset when he clearly doesn't get it. Sit him down, spell out what you like and what you don't, what your expectations and wishes are and then see if he can meet you half-way. I think you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that he just doesn't view bunches of flowers and the like as an important aspect of a relationship and so bending over backwards or buying him stuff in the hope it's reciprocated is pointless and only ever going to lead to resentment.

Best of luck

carmel27

Hey OP,
Sounds frustrating! I honestly think such things just dont cross the minds of alot of guys. Some are romantically tuned in, but an awful lot of them arent. I wouldnt take it personally. I suppose you could have a chat with him about it. Obviously dont come straight out with "buy me stuff please" but you could tactfully tell him that it would be nice if, from time to time, he gave you the odd little surprise/treat.

mylittlepony

For me romance is not the pressies or fancy treats, night outs, etc.
Its communication on anything, trust, his lovely compliments about me and kind actions that he does for me that is romantic in my opinion.
Like when i didnt have a car (NCT) and need to be somewhere urgntly literally this was last min, he pick me up and drove me + waited and bring me back home.
When I was sick he look after me. aww just remembering this..
He cook me dinner for the nights i stay over
I dont expect flowers, pressies etc cos money is an issue so he make up for it in other areas which is perfect for me really.
And I do the same for him.
He car broke down, try help fix, drove him home and help him him get replacement car cos need for work.
That would be a very romantic gesture for him. That I would help him like this when I could be doing other things with my free time.
Even me buying milk for his fridge (for our teas/breakfast) or small desserts/ after dinner treats like icecream/chocs is romantic for him.

Maybe write a list of things that he does for you that you didnt realise was a big help for you. Thats his way of being romantic.
Hope this helps.

If he have not done anything nice (thats is so simple) like my above post then kick him up the ass!!

Word of warning, i have a friend who been with her guy on off over 3years and never done anyting romantic or very nice for her except for 2 things driving and cooking the odd dinners. it didnt last.

R.D. aka MR.D

Talk to him about it. I find it hard to believe that any man these days would not know at least to be thankful for something that his OH did for him.

Unless your going out with a cave man then he seriously needs a talking to.

If romance/effort is what you want in your life then don't put up with a man that isn't willing to give it to you.

TitoPuente

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

If romance/effort is what you want in your life then don't put up with a man that isn't willing to give it to you.

QFT. As with any relationship, be sure you're getting what you want from it.

Taltos

Few things.

1. Expectations - have you been crystal clear in what you expect him to do?
2. Reinforcement - do you remind him every so often of what you expect
3. Reward - do you reward him when he remembers - more so when you do not have to remind him
4. Communication - two way street here - you both need to talk.
5. Realism - ask yourself is what you are looking for here something he has ever been capable of delivering? If not - then why are you there 3 yrs later?
6. Dictionary - Nice - for me when I use nice to my OH - it means amazing - it means I am lost for words, it means WOW. What she hears though is "nice" and it used to really infuriate her. I have tried to change this - but I think she knows how much I mean when I use "Nice" - but yes it still annoys the crap out of her.

I know the above sounds like you are training a puppy - but that is what some of us are like - not all though.

Finally - ask yourself - has he always been like this - and if so - why are you trying to change him?

It could just be you are not suited, but maybe you just need to improve your communication and setting of expectations.

Rev Hellfire

You've one life its not a rehearsal, simply put if your relationship is not working end it.

If this person is incapable for giving you need, walk away.