Pre-bereavement?!

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm a regular boardsie, but don't like to admit to having feelings etc! Hence posting unreggd.

When I was seventeen and just finished my Leaving Cert, I somehow noticed (despite my me-me-me teenage phase) the fact that my dad seemed to be downing a hell of a lot of pills every morning. I asked him what he was at, and he said to ask my mother. My mother, when asked, said that he had a wee bit of a bone disorder, it was called multiple myeloma, he would have to take those pills for the rest of my life but it was no big deal.

I thought, "wow, my parents are getting old", but didn't dwell on it. The next day, I was in the library with a few of my friends (we weren't that uncool, one of my friends was working there for the summer!) I looked up a book on bone disorders, saw that multiple myeloma was a terminal form of cancer with a very short prognosis. I vividly remember that day. I first told a friend of mine whose mother had had breast cancer a couple of years beforehand; then I told another close friend ... but I didn't tell my best friends for about six months later. I needed to get my own head around it first.

It's funny, in a way. My friends needed more consoling than I did, and that's why I didn't tell those of my friends who actually knew him until I needed to. I needed to be strong enough to console them. He's been a daddy to them all, he always has.

Anyways. He was diagnosed when I was doing my Leaving Cert in June 2003. I found out about it in September 2003. In February-June 2004, he was in hospital receiving some hardcore treatment, and I dropped out of college to be there for him. To say it was tough would be beyond an understatement. Can't go back to that awful place, sorry. Can't discuss it.

But he made it through. Now, he goes for his monthly bone treatments and is doing unbelievably well. It's unheard of, really, for this particular disease. But he was very young (57) when it was diagnosed.

But I sort of feel that, from when I heard the diagnosis, I was very aware of it. I feel like I totally make allowances etc for him, because I know he's not here forever. But then I feel like I shouldn't make any allowances, seeing as none of us are going to be here forever!

Is that weird?! Has anyone been in a similar situation? Am I overthinking it?!

metrovelvet

is mise sophie wrote: »

Hi. I'm a regular boardsie, but don't like to admit to having feelings etc! Hence posting unreggd.

When I was seventeen and just finished my Leaving Cert, I somehow noticed (despite my me-me-me teenage phase) the fact that my dad seemed to be downing a hell of a lot of pills every morning. I asked him what he was at, and he said to ask my mother. My mother, when asked, said that he had a wee bit of a bone disorder, it was called multiple myeloma, he would have to take those pills for the rest of my life but it was no big deal.

I thought, "wow, my parents are getting old", but didn't dwell on it. The next day, I was in the library with a few of my friends (we weren't that uncool, one of my friends was working there for the summer!) I looked up a book on bone disorders, saw that multiple myeloma was a terminal form of cancer with a very short prognosis. I vividly remember that day. I first told a friend of mine whose mother had had breast cancer a couple of years beforehand; then I told another close friend ... but I didn't tell my best friends for about six months later. I needed to get my own head around it first.

It's funny, in a way. My friends needed more consoling than I did, and that's why I didn't tell those of my friends who actually knew him until I needed to. I needed to be strong enough to console them. He's been a daddy to them all, he always has.

Anyways. He was diagnosed when I was doing my Leaving Cert in June 2003. I found out about it in September 2003. In February-June 2004, he was in hospital receiving some hardcore treatment, and I dropped out of college to be there for him. To say it was tough would be beyond an understatement. Can't go back to that awful place, sorry. Can't discuss it.

But he made it through. Now, he goes for his monthly bone treatments and is doing unbelievably well. It's unheard of, really, for this particular disease. But he was very young (57) when it was diagnosed.

But I sort of feel that, from when I heard the diagnosis, I was very aware of it. I feel like I totally make allowances etc for him, because I know he's not here forever. But then I feel like I shouldn't make any allowances, seeing as none of us are going to be here forever!

Is that weird?! Has anyone been in a similar situation? Am I overthinking it?!

Wow you are lucky! IT may not seem like that but you have the awareness and wisdom that comes with facing mortality without the actual loss. You still have your dad.

I know what you mean about allowances- I do this for my mother after having lost my father, but I dont for everyone. But it has made me very impatient with life and with people because WE DONT HAVE TIME!

I think what you are talking about really is compassion and perspective, hold onto and make those allowances. Its a good thing.

Rev Hellfire

metrovelvet wrote: »

But it has made me very impatient with life and with people

Quoted for truth.

Babooshka

metrovelvet wrote: »

I think what you are talking about really is compassion and perspective, hold onto and make those allowances. Its a good thing.

I totally agree with the above and do think it's good advice.

But also, I think I know where you're coming from on the making allowances thing too. I lost a parent to a terminal illness. For me, it was like, I knew I had to make the best of every moment with this person that I knew I was going to lose soon, but sometimes "normal" life still kicked in and everyone still just has their sh*t old boring days as well as trying to keep up a bond with the person, make the best of every single minute like they always do in the movies, type of thing. I honestly don't know if that's what you mean or if you mean something completely different. For me, I had my own anger about the situation to deal with too, everyone handles it differently. I can safely say that for me, it was and still is one of the hardest things I've ever had to come to terms with. It's just such a vast void and unfathomable.

I am not really sure what the allowances you're making are or if they're compromising your life in a big way, all I can tell you is, now that my parent is no longer, I am glad of the things I did do, that I could do, to make him happy in any way I could, because when he was gone, he was gone, and you don't get a second chance to say what you need to or hug them ever again, it's not till they are gone that it really hits like that. I apologise if what I say here hurts or upsets you in any way at all...perhaps (and I hope that) your dad will be here for a much longer time to come. But, when I saw your question I felt strongly about answering you. I have siblings who refused to make any allowances for mine because, well, I won't go into it but to be honest he didn't have half a leg to stand on when it came to father of the year awards or anything like that, and I don't blame them at all, I understand why they couldn't face holding his hand or seeing him off because they owed him nothing to be honest. But I still see the pain in their faces now when his name is mentioned as a result, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it's them that I wish had a chance to undo what I know they wish they could undo now because they know they'll never change the situation now or get closure with their own father. I get my peace of mind knowing that when all is said and done I did as much as I could, it still hurts but a lot less than a heart full of regret.

Is there anyone you can talk to about how they're coping with it? Luckily I had one or two people and that really helped me stop my head completely melting off of me and listening to how they felt about stuff helped me too, it can even get you laughing again, at the most bizarre of times but it's true that to share the burden does half the weight...even with your dad if you can talk with him. Can you?

Nevyn

Greif isn't just tied p with death it is tied up with endings and change.

It is possible for things in your life to have changed and so you end up ggoing through the grieving process unaware as you don't make the connection as you have not had anyone die but there many ways to loose someone out of your life or to have what you thought was to be how you'd be living your life change and you grieve for what now can not be.

I have lived with my father's impending death for about 20 years.
He's still alive, we thought he's not see any grandkids never mind 4 of them so far.
He's changed a lot esp over the last 10 years, he's not the man or the father I used to know but that can happen with long term illness and the strokes the last 3 years.

We found ourselves grieving the Dad we knew feeling that loss while he is still alive,
it is hard. The cycle of grieve keeps going and at times it can be hard not to get stuck in the anger, be it at fate/universe or at him for being so different now.

I completely understand the making allowances and then being pissed off at doing that all the time, there are many types of grieve and bereavement and they are not always related to death.