Biting my tongue

LegacyUser

Hey all.

I have a close female friend (I am male and we're in our mid twenties by the way) and she's had some tough times with men. Some of the things she has told me have left me speechless and I get the feeling that she has even more skeletons in her closet but feels too ashamed to tell me. She really has been dicked around by, well, dicks. So naturally I feel quite protective of her.

The problem I have is that she recently went abroad for a month. She met someone and from what she has told me, he seems like a nice lad. However she seems to be really into him, to the point where she's going over to see him again in a month or so on a holiday she can't really afford (she's been unemployed for months).

Now before you say it, this isn't jealousy. I am not in the "friend-zone" (I have nothing but contempt for that phrase). As I said, some of the things she has told me about herself have shocked me to the point where I couldn't really look at her in a sexual way.

My dilemma is simply this: I want to intervene and tell her to calm down. Usually I am the type to let people make their mistakes and to just be there for them when things go wrong. However I fear that she can't take another blow the way she is in this current moment in time. I'd fear for her mental health.

So yeah, any advice in regards to my dilemma would be much appreciated.

hotspur147

the way i would look at it is this.
shes an adult,old enough to make her own decisions/mistakes.you said yourself that he seems like a nice lad so let her go.maybe you should tell her your slightly concerned and you dont want to see her get hurt again but if you intervene too much she might take offence and it could end your friendship altogether.

carmel27

Shes lucky to have a friend like you to look out for her. However, as Hotspur has pointed out, your friend is an adult, and will probably go with her gut instinct, regardless of what you say. I'd say continue biting your tongue and let her off. Maybe things will go well for her and this guy. Maybe not. But let her make her own mistakes if thats what she has to do. Shes obviously made a few bad decisions where men are concerned before, going by what you've said, but maybe she needs to make a few more? I suppose all you can do is be there for her to help pick up the pieces if needs be.

2manyconditions

Bite wrote: »

Hey all.

My dilemma is simply this: I want to intervene and tell her to calm down. Usually I am the type to let people make their mistakes and to just be there for them when things go wrong. However I fear that she can't take another blow the way she is in this current moment in time. I'd fear for her mental health.

So yeah, any advice in regards to my dilemma would be much appreciated.

Never intervene in a girls love life. A girl will always choose the b/f. You'll only damage your relationship with her, I fear for nothing.

Just be there for her when it all falls apart.

Mind, if you think severing your relationship with this girl is worth expressing your opinion, disregard the above. Some things are worth sacaficing.

Sebastien De Valmont

You have to ask yourself if you are living in a delusion.

You ARE firmly in the friend zone and I think you know it. You wouldn't have brought it up in your OP if you already didn't.

A woman who tells a man her problems thinks he is either (a) gay (nothing wrong with being gay and being there for a girl friend but if you are a straight man this is garanteed to wound your self-esteem) or (b) weak and insecure and non sexual.

Why put yourself through that? You are actually hurting yourself.

Instead just back off and leave her to her own devices and find yourself a girlfriend and create some personal problems of your own.:)

Chinafoot

Sebastien De Valmont wrote: »

Stop deluding yourself.

You are firmly in the friend zone and you know it.

In my experience a woman who tells a man her problems thinks he is either (a) gay (nothing wrong with being gay but if you are a straight man this is a personal defeat if you give women that impression) or (b) a total wimp.

Why put yourself through that? You are actually hurting yourself.

Instead just back off and leave her to her own devices and find yourself a girlfriend and create some personal problems of your own.:)

Lol, your pearls of wisdom are hilarious.

OP, you should only offer your opinion if you are asked for it. She's an adult and you need to leave her to it.

Daisy Steiner

Sebastien De Valmont wrote: »

Stop deluding yourself.

You are firmly in the friend zone and you know it.

In my experience a woman who tells a man her problems thinks he is either (a) gay (nothing wrong with being gay but if you are a straight man this is a personal defeat if you give women that impression) or (b) a total wimp.

Why put yourself through that? You are actually hurting yourself.

Instead just back off and leave her to her own devices and find yourself a girlfriend and create some personal problems of your own.:)

Wow :rolleyes:

I'm a woman and the above post is massively insulting. tch tch tch, you think you have us sussed?


OP It's so hard to see your friend hurtling towards another mistake. The ball is really in your court as to how you approach her about this. It may be that she is looking for a bit of escapism and may not get hurt. Or she may be pinning all those hopes on the guy.

I know you feel protective of her; but there is only so far a friend can or should go to get their point across.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

Sebastien De Valmont wrote: »

You have to ask yourself if you are living in a delusion.

You ARE firmly in the friend zone and I think you know it. You wouldn't have brought it up in your OP if you already didn't.

A woman who tells a man her problems thinks he is either (a) gay (nothing wrong with being gay and being there for a girl friend but if you are a straight man this is garanteed to wound your self-esteem) or (b) weak and insecure and non sexual.

Why put yourself through that? You are actually hurting yourself.

Instead just back off and leave her to her own devices and find yourself a girlfriend and create some personal problems of your own.:)

This post is wrong on so many levels. Firstly the reason I brought it up is because I am familiar with the site as a lurker, and I know that the friend zone accusation is a regular one to be thrown at people. So I was just dealing with it before it became an issue.

This is a personal problem for me because she is in truth my best friend right now.

As for finding me insecure and non sexual, nice generalisations, anymore idiotic cliches you want to throw out?

Anyway, thank you all for your positive advice. I think you are right Chinafoot, I think it's best I stay quiet unless she asks for my opinion. You've all (bar one) been most helpful.